A Wrestling News Report 3.01.02

Hey guys! You know how Scott Keith asks you to buy him crap? DVD’s and stuff because he doesn’t spend enough of the day sitting down? Well, starting next week, I’m going to start doing that to, but only for one week and for a very special reason.

Something horrible has happened to one of my friends, something I can’t do anything about. No matter how many times I beat the hell out of my chair, it has still happened. In a selfish bit of being a jerk, I told my friend I needed to do something to help them. My friend laughed at me and told me there was nothing I could do. Well, they are wrong. There is something I can do for them. I can do it here.

I’m going to go online to amazon.com and find a whole bunch of DVD’s and books and CD’s that my friend would like. My friend needs some serious, serious cheering up right now and you guys are the people I’m turning to. What happened to my friend is something that is so horrifying, well, it kills your spirit. It makes you stop trusting everyone. I want my friend to know that there are still good people out there, people my friend doesn’t know, people who will do what little they can to help my friend in my friend’s time of need. I’m going to set up the account so that everything is sent to me, and then I’ll send it to my friend from myself and many anonymous strangers. Believe me when I tell you there is nothing finer in this life that you could do for a complete stranger then clicking on this link or copying and pasting cause I don’t know HTML unless Widro did it and then buying something. It’s all such meaningless crap, it’s all just stuff, but maybe we can make it mean something.

Also, if the goodness of your heart stuff doesn’t make you want to shell out 20 bucks, I will owe you a favor. A plug for something, a birthday gift, maybe even a spot in the column for a few weeks depending on what you buy. Most of all, next time you need someone to be a good person for you or a friend, I’ll be there for you.

Again, this will be sent to my address, but only because I want to keep the identity completely secret, according to my friend’s wishes. Let me tell you though, this friend is your friend also. It seems that all of our lousy friends are unique, while all of our really great friends are so similar. You have the nice but quiet friend who listens, the party friend who always tries to introduce you to new people, the best friend who’ll do anything for you, the best friend of the opposite sex who always seemed to be more like a sibling then a friend, and the ex-girlfriend or boyfriend who you still think you’ll wind up with. We all have them. This friend has done really great things for me, moreso then the other friends I’ve asked you to wish a happy birthday before and stuff. This person is one of the greatest people you’ll ever meet. What happened to my friend is something they’ll have to live with for the rest of their lives, and maybe we can make it easier right off the bat. Please help me make my friend feel just a little bit better, and that goes for you guys on the site too. I’ll owe you guys one also. Again, I can not reiterate enough how much this is not a scam. I personally don’t want anything from you guys for myself. Thank you.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/wishlist/2AVSA7XIJI341/ref=wl_em_to/102-9912718-6318566?add-fav=1

Thanks so much. Well, how about some

NEWS!!!!!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Tough Enough 2 will premiere tonight with some kind of casting special. Maven’ll probably show up, along with Al Snow and Bob Holly. Darryl is fat.

I’m about to report a report of a television report. 411, where you hear it first!

Randy Savage said the lawyers couldn’t iron out a deal with the WWA for the PPV, which basically means that he pulled out without telling anyone. The lack of spousal abuse made the WWA PPV just that much worse.

I think that a WWF Developmental wrestle died. Robbie D? He will be sorely missed by all who knew him. This is the observer, so don’t quote me on him being dead.

On PAX TV, the White House is having a salute to gospel music. I don’t know why I typed that. I’ve been in a bit of a fog today.

Michinoku Pro will be on Harder then Hardcore Japanese Wrestling thingy. I guess that’s important to 3 of you.

We live in a world where just terrible things happen. Just thought you should know. Not much news tonight. Let’s do Smackdown.

SMACKDOWN!

No opening video. Cole and Jerry plug HHH and Kane vs. The Super Secondary Heels.

We’re straight to Hardyz and Lita vs. Dudleyz and Jazz. Cole finds it hard to believe we’re 3 weeks away from Wrestlemania. I find it hard to believe that he’s the third best announcer in wrestling right now. Lita has a bit of a tummy. I didn’t see Bubba explaining the Stacy injury. Did they dub that over? Jazz starts out kicking Lita in the crotch. I feel like Lita is the sexiest woman while wrestling in the WWF. Just the way she bobs her head and stuff. I’m already sick of wrestling tonight. It’s not that I’m not a fan, I just have bigger issues right now. Please buy something for my friend. I’d give you more information, but I promised to not reveal anything. Jeff is getting pounded by Bubba and stuff. I bet every 3 months, everyone at the bookers’ meeting groans when the Hardyz and the Dudleyz are brought up. LITA WITH THE CROTCH BOMB! JEFF WITH THE SUICIDE CRAP! MATT WITH THE SUICIDE CRAP! JAZZ KICKS OUT FROM LITA! Stacy with a really nice kick, I guess. Dudleyz and Jazz win, and all is wrong with the world.

Flair comes in to talk to Undertaker, who’s watching Arn Anderson on Monday Night Raw. Flair is defending the helpless damsel, Arn Anderson. I have a feeling these two are going to fight at Wrestlemania. I don’t think that anyone who wears tight black leather pants should be allowed to laugh evilly.

That robot guy in the Wrestlemania commercial is weird. How’d they get the show on a portable tv anyway? Is there some kind of wireless cable now? Can you get DirecTV on a portable now? Idiocy. I need a smoke. This is the worst Smackdown report on the internet anyway, only slightly entertaining when I get drunk.

I’m glad a lot of you like Dog, Ape and Man. He’s a pretty nice guy from very far away.

As If premieres on UPN after Buffy. Color me apathetic.

Did you know we’re all eagerly awaiting the casting special of TE2? I don’t have cable. Her comes Stone Cold. I bet he’s kind of upset over the prop joke. We’ll never know, cause here comes HOHANA! Will Hogan talk to an actual wrestler this week? Not yet, cause Steve Austin is talking first. It took the audience 3 times to remember to say what. HOGAN IS TALKING TO AUSTIN! Austin is too injured to fight the nWo this week. Now the audience is doing the what to Hogan. I’m going to write an 8 page paper about how what destroys the WWF. Hogan is going to film an epic saga. I guess that Mini Ninjas 3 wasn’t enough for him. Hall’s accent sounds horrible. Is that his real voice? He still has the spanish hair and all. First time I saw the cinderblock shot. Up next, Hall is going to hit him with the dreaded Bag of Popcorn shot. Hall and Nash are going to beat up Austin, but instead, Austin is going to take them both on and meet them at the top of the ramp. Austin had a net gun or something. They didn’t really show the gun so much. That was stupid. That was just so stupid. Remember guys, if you’re out numbered, just bring your gun and they’ll run away.

I am so dependant on you guys right now. I need your help. You guys rule, and no matter what happens, you will continue to rule.

Whack of the night did not happen on Raw during the IC contender match, trust me.

Regal is going to fight The Big Show in a non-title match for some reason. Big Show’s beard is growing in. Good for him. Regal’s facial expressions are just so great. Quickest bear hug ever. Just as the match felt like it had a little kick to it, Regal went outside and stalled. Hey! Big Show kinda reminds me on John Tenta with that beard. Big Show beating the hell out of Regal but nope, still beating the hell out of him. Now the match is boring. He threw Regal into the corners about four times in a row. Regal with the knucks, Big Show falls on him, that’s the match. You could almost see the Big Show smiling at that spot. That’s that.

Rats and rabbits shouldn’t dance or talk. Blockbuster has broken the laws of nature.

Oh my God. This is the third time they’ve show the commercial this ad break. Get some sponsors, wads.

Booker wants to be on a Japanese shampoo commercial, so he’s making racist comments and talking to Tajiri. When did Torrie start to speak Japanese?

Jericho is shining the belt. Steph thinks someone else should do it for him. Steph was talking in a normal voice, and I thought for a second that Jericho was rubbing off on her. You know what? Maybe he is. Maybe he’s saying it for her before she does it nope, the brains part ruined it. But the if you hurry part was well done. That was good. If she stops screaming, she’ll be okay. About a millions times better then any promo she ever did.

Maven and his eyebrows of death take on Goldust. Maven is WALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good for Maven.

Disney made a movie about a horse who gets kicked off its land by white people. Yeah, well, we gave you guys those reservations in the Glue district, didn’t we?

Still an hour and fifteen to go. Drowning Pool is the official song for Wrestlemania, and here comes Maven! Could he win tonight, with Tough Enough coming up? Chris is there, and Maven is cracking up looking at him. Here comes Goldust. Goldust was giving some awesome promos there for awhile. I guess it was so successful they had to make him stop. I love the jump-butt move of Dustin’s. Oh, JR was a big part of Tough Enough. Gold glitter is still coming down. If somebody shot at me, I’d be at the police station right now. If somebody shot me with a net gun, I’d be a whale. Goldust with the Fire Extinguisher. Maven sets it off. Schoolboy. Maven wins. Goldust with a boot to the head. Here comes Taker to pick the bones. Dust is gone. Lots of punches for Maven. Snow is here. Al gets rid of the Undertaker. Al is now fighting the Undertaker. Al is going totally on adrenaline and butt juice, according to Cole. Maybe I misheard it. UT with another chair. Al gets chokeslammed on the floor. Al rolled back in the ring. Taker with his dragon sleeper or something. Flair with a pipe. Flair tells UT no at Wrestlemania. Flair is the dirtiest player in the game? That’s kind of like the most shit covered dick in Triple H’s ass. That’s that.

Come on, stupid commercials. Jakks commercial. PK is jerking it right now.

Tonya Harding and Amy Fisher are headed to the ring. That’s going to do so much for our credibility.

Wrestlemania preview right now. Billy and Chuck and the APA. Well, so much for the Wrestlemania match. I smell a big tag team mess at Wrestlemania. Maybe a tag team battle royal, followed by a match? This is an interesting match, with no one going to their corners. Cole has never seen the APA in this kind of mood. Did Cole just call a powerbomb a spine buster? Have I decided to become Scott Keith? Well, that was a lousy match. Better now then at Wrestlemania. The fags win.

Goldust attacks Maven backstage, pins him for the hardcore title. Yay! Watch Tough Enough tonight, where dreams come true.

52 minutes.

Tajiri is on the phone. Torrie looks hot. Uh oh. Booker mentioned the CW word.

Hogan is making an epic. Hogan beats the Sheik. Hogan Bundy. Hogan Andre. Hogan Savag. Hogan Slaughter. Hogan Yokozuna. Hogan with Carson, Collins, a lot of people. I’m going to stop recapping this and drink a beer. Flea, this stupid video did it. Ooh, they missed the Hulk Hogan yellow and red face turn in WCW. Whoops. That ate about 7 minutes.

Hey, WWF. Put Flair-Steamboat iron man and Royal Rumble on one tape and sell it for twenty bucks. 5 minutes of commercials. That’s nice.

We’re going back to Stone Cold netting Nash. Good. I didn’t see this yet. Nash kinda no sold the net at first. The net is backstage bitching about Nash’s work rate.

Here comes Booker. Good for him. Here comes Scotty. I smell a squash. Then again, Booker did job to Spike. Scotty with some offense. That’s that. Or maybe not. Scotty coming back after getting killed. No he’s not. Throwing people corner to corner has been popular tonight. Scotty almost hit with the worm set up move, but no. Now he did, but didn’t hit the chop. Scissors Kick. Spinarooni. Booker wins! That’s something that wasn’t said at his trial. Edge gets the commercial while Booker is fighting. I smell a zestfully clean Wrestlemania match.

Commercials.

Wrestlemania moment. TLC match, the first one. We’ll see what Bill and Chuck can do.

Hey! The crowd is popping for DDP. Christian going after the kids was funny. The crowd loves this. Little kids sticking it to Christian is always funny. The crowd didn’t like that the kid’s dad left them. I think it was too much.

Hey! Let’s watch Steph on Monday! Now Kane is leaving HHH with Steph. I’m going to ignore this crap and talk about Kane. I hate being that friend. The other guy’s ex is there, you had plans to do something with your buddy but you don’t want to watch the two fight. Also, you’ve been horribly burned and lived with a Dog, Ape and Man for most of your childhood. It’s just a tough situation.

It was weird. With Jericho, she didn’t overact too much. With Hunter, she did. Weird.

Main event is up next. Good. What was the boot of the week? Jericho beating Angle with Kane’s help. What differentiates the boot of the week from all the other crap? There wasn’t a boot involved.

Kane enters first. That’s about a minute. Here comes Hunter. This is already a minute. Pushing two. Two minutes. Here comes Angle. That was about a minute. Here comes Jericho. That was a little more then a minute. Wow. I never noticed how really, really long all the entrances are. They’re beating up Angle. I peed. Kane is being German suplexed. Angle is taunting Triple H. I smell an Angle victory at Wrestlemania. I also think HHH and Hogan will win, but Austin will lose. They’re doing the Kane crawling part two times in a row. Lot’s of stalling tonight. HHH IS IN! HOUSE O FIRE! HOUSE O FIRE! JERICHO HITS ANGLE! KNEE TO ANGLE! KANE HITS JERICHO! PEDIGREE NO! STEPHANIE IS IN! ALMOST A PEDIGREE! HHH KICKS OUT AFTER SOMETHING! ANKLE LOCK! KANE WITH A CLOTHESLINE! STEPH WITH A WEAK CHAIR SHOT! KANE HITS ANGLE WITH A CHAIR! HHH WITH A PEDIGREE! ONE TWO THREE! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GAME! THE GOOD GUYS WIN AND ALL THAT! YAY! YAY!

Well, I thank you guys for your time and ask you to please buy something. Flea has already cause he is the coolest older guy with a hot girlfriend and probably an adorable kid. I promise to remember this if you help me now. Thanks. Have a good weekend. See you next week.