A Wrestling News Report 03.07.02

I’ve been on the phone all afternoon as it looks like big things are happening in the WWF. One second, it’s ringing again.

Yes? Hello! What’s that, unspecified WWF superstar? Scott Hall is considering getting married to Tommy Dreamer? Hulk Hogan is truly immortal and shall still live while we all rot in our graves? Rhyno is a cat person? Jeff Hardy isn’t actually gay, but is in favor of brotherly love? You’re being a little vague there. Oh. Oh, I understand. Eww. Okay, later.

Well, so much for big news. Actually, it’s been a very slow news day, so I’ll takes what I finds. Oh, by the way

Thank you, all of you who went here and bought something for my friend. When I’m done getting all of the gifts, I will post a list of all the names of the people who helped my friend out. There are very few things in life that I hold holy, if I’m using the word correctly. Helping someone without knowing anything about their condition other than that they need help is one of them. You should have heard my friend’s voice when my friend realized what we did for them. I don’t think my friend will ever be the person I remember for a long time, but we showed her that people can still be decent.

Let’s do some more for my friend. Let’s overwhelm this person with kindness. You can still click on the above link and purchase stuff for them, if you already haven’t. I don’t want someone to go broke over this, but I’ve added some inexpensive items to the list for those of you who wrote me, asking me to put some inexpensive items on the list. A couple of things I promise you if you do this.

1. You will be helping someone who desperately needs it right now, someone who if you’re lucky you have a friend just like.

2. I will owe you a favor. A birthday present, a showing of kindness to someone you feel is in need, whatever you’d like. I was amazed by the number of people I told this to who bought something for my friend who told me they didn’t do it for personal gain.

3. I swear this is not a scam. I am not out to get you guys to buy me crap. If I was, I’d be straight up with you. I think that I have plenty. The only thing I want from you guys is a letter every once in awhile, telling me that you enjoy my work.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/wishlist/ref=cm_wl_recs_ywl/102-0657084-4976120. Click there if you’d like to help a great person with a stupid DVD or something. Like I said last week, it’s just stuff and what happened to my friend stuff won’t fix. The random acts of kindness from anonymous strangers is what I’d truly like for my friend. We’ve shown them that people aren’t all bad, now let’s drive the point home. Thank you guys so much. I promise to never forget this.

News!!!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The Rock will be hosting MTV’s Spring Break’s Most Outrageous Moments. #1? Scott Keith’s strip tease on Say What Kareeokee (sp?). “Like a virgin, DUD, touched for the very first time.”

Smackdown was UPN’s top rated show last week, coming in 77th place. Wrestling is in a sorry place when it’s losing to Family Guy reruns.

UPN is thinking about adding a new WWF show to it’s schedule which will basically be WWF’s women in bathing suits or something. How did a television company and a wrestling company come up with the idea of exploiting women? It’s genius!

Raw’s rating fell this week, despite a pretty good show. Hulk Hogan is blaming this on weak segments featuring up and comers like HHH and Kurt Apple or whatever his name is.

The WWF’s stock rose a dollar today. Vince McMahon was ecstatic, proclaiming, “Hooray! I’m slightly richer!”

Trish Stratus, Edge, Triple H, and Chris Jericho will be featured on 4 covers of TV guide. Triple H was cool with this, so long as his covers were on top and a plate of glass separated him from the rest of the wrestlers.

Look for Chris Jericho to appear on Mad TV sometime in the future. No, this isn’t based on any news source, it’s just pretty damn likely.

Junk News! Huzzah!

DAM LET’S HIS FEELINGS BE KNOWN ON THE NWO.

With lot’s of internet columnists talking about how much the NWO sucks, Dog, Ape and Man wrote me a little column to tell me what he thinks about the whole thing.

I AM DOG! I AM APE! I AM MAN! I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

But that’s not what you care about, is it? You are by now used to my mindless ramblings about my genetic make up, which is the only way I can deal with the horror of my situation. If I ever allow myself to think for a second that I am only man, the joy that will fill me will lead me to climb upwards and try to rejoin society. I SHALL THEN BE KILLED BY THE MOB THAT HUNTS FOR ME DAILY!

Onto the NWO. It is true, they are being portrayed as cowards, and that is hurting the overall product. But did Vince McMahon not promise that the NWO would lead to a loss of fan interest? Did you all think that the return of three out of shape, old, mediocre wrestlers who lost all appeal in WCW would help the WWF? I did not. Combining three ugly things into a group, or if you will, a single being, never helps anything. All it does is doom whatever is around the being to eternal torment. With the NWO running rampant, the WWF shall be viewed as a freak and flushed from all types of popular entertainment, as well as life. At first the WWF will respond to this by hiding out with loved ones, trying to keep out of their view unless it is absolutely necessary. Eventually the WWF’s loved ones will tell the mob where the WWF is, and then the mob will attack the WWF with fish hooks and termites, as those will be the only weapons the mob will be able to get their hands on. Termite infested and with fish hooks hanging off of it’s hairy ape arms, the WWF will descend to the sewer, never to be seen again, except when the mob goes down to the sewer and chases the WWF around until they get tired.

I AM DOG, APE AND MAN AND MY BROTHER IS N, W AND O! THIS IS DONE! I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

Thank you, DAM.

SMACKDOWN PREVIEW

Smackdown is live tomorrow, but we know the Rock is coming back and probably 10 Wrestlemania matches need to be hard sold. Look for Regal to kill RVD or something, I dunno.

NO NEWS TODAY! STRAIGHT TO PLUGS!

Fight Club is back with random thoughts. Nason’s random thoughts are more important then yours because he has a column. Go read it!

Keith’s Raw Rant actually made me laugh this week. I forget where.

And no disrespect to the internet wrestling cop, but 411’s best PPV reviewer, Ken Anderson, is back with a killer report on ECW’s Barely Legal. I was asked to comment on it at the bottom, but I’d never seen it. I think this was the first time I read about the Mass Transit incident, believe it or not. Anyway, Ken talks about things that Keith would probably talk about if he had more time. Anderson puts out one review every 3 months or so, but the quality reflects the time off.

I like playing with toys. Go to the Figure sections. Hey, PK is a wrestler, so check it out or he’ll body slam ya. Oh, and the Simpsons characters are up. That’s cool. Go to it!

That’s that. Ummm, let’s find a way to end this quickly.

GOTHS ARE FUNNY!

http://www.happyscrappy.com/goth.html is where I got this. Knulprek is a funny ass guy. Also, Chris Williams used to be goth or something, so he will be incredibly offended by this.

I think we’ve all wondered, at one point or another, whether wearing all that black gets you in trouble when the lights go out. Here, faithful ponderers, is your long-awaited answer:

KNULPREK: do you think death bumps into things at night, wearing all that black?

CrYiNgCuRe: mostlikely not.

KNULPREK: do you ever bump into things at night, wearing all black?

CrYiNgCuRe: uhhh nope

KNULPREK: what about black cats? they ever bump into you at night, being all black?

CrYiNgCuRe: yes

KNULPREK: do they meow, or maul you?

CrYiNgCuRe: both

KNULPREK: which do you like better?

CrYiNgCuRe: im indifferent

CrYiNgCuRe: gee didnt i specify intelligent conversation on my profile…?

KNULPREK: what if it mauled you to death? boy, then you could find out if death bumps into things at night, wearing all black!

CrYiNgCuRe: this hardly constitutes as intelligent.

KNULPREK: care to discuss NAFTA?

KNULPREK: do you think NAFTA bumps into things at night, wearing all black?

CrYiNgCuRe: i dont know who that is

KNULPREK: well, that isn’t very intelligent!

Seems this one won’t be doing any trade in North America anytime soon.

Everyone’s favorite song!

KNULPREK: come on, now, sing along! “You put your whole soul in…”

Dethnita: ::trying to understand::

KNULPREK: “you take your whole soul out…”

Dethnita: i think “you shake you soul about”

KNULPREK: that’s right! “you do the hokey mopey and you mope yourself about…”

Dethnita: “that’s what’s its all about” or something

KNULPREK: GREAT! have YOU ever played the Hokey Mopey?

Dethnita: uh

Dethnita: wasn’t that it?

KNULPREK: why, i guess it was!

Dethnita: ::jumping for joy:: hmm…

KNULPREK: you know what i hate? every time i do the hokey mopey, i tear my stockings. all that in and out with the soul. it’s so tiring.

Dethnita: awwww

Dethnita: if its so tiring..why don’t you stop?

KNULPREK: well, the more i go, the more i suffer. that’s what the Hokey Mopey is all about!

I’ll be back tomorrow. Remember, buying something for my friend will put you on list of incredibly great people. Thanks for reading. Later.