A Wrestling News Report 3.08.02

Yes, I messed up the link. Here is the proper one. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/wishlist/2AVSA7XIJI341/ref%3Dwl%5Fs%5F3/102-0657084-4976120 You can help out my friend here.

Also, one of my friend’s told me that he hates wrestling and all wrestling fans are morons. You can e-mail him at afv203@nyu.edu. He was cruel to us, but we should be the bigger people here. No death threats, okay?

Also, still big thanks to everyone out there helping the cause. Best goddamned people on the internet as far as I’m concerned.

News!!!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The WWF is very happy with how the Paul E. produced Undertaker/David Flair skit went. They are considering making them a tag team called Underflair.

People thought Shawn Michaels might show up last night, but that didn’t happen. Especially upset by this was Jeff Hardy, who had tied his penis between his legs and everything.

At the next WWA pay per view, Devon Storm will face Sabu and Eddy Guerrero will face Jerry Lynn. Macho Man will show up, no he won’t, maybe he will, nope, yeah, I’m not sure, it looks like he will, no, no he won’t, yes he will, no, yes, no. No he won’t.

Apparently there will be some kind of draft between Flair and McMahon concerning the split. In response to this, the wrestlers plan to strip naked and burn their draft cards.

Flair and son will team up in OVW to face two other guys in OVW. I dunno, I keep thinking ovulation wrestling for some reason.

Go forth, young man. Go forth and have 3 people go before you. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Eh. Junk news. Yarg.

PLUGS

McCluskey has Smackdown up. I mean, I have it below, but it’s pretty lousy.

Ken Anderson did Barely Legal. Anderson rules.

Pat Brower has Jakked. If I could do Jakked and give up my coveted role as news reporter, I would try, but I wouldn’t come close to doing as good a job as Brower does. Kudos!

Go http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/wishlist/2AVSA7XIJI341/ref%3Dwl%5Fs%5F3/102-0657084-4976120 here. It’s for a great person who could use some cheering up, and you will be written in my book of great people.

Smackdown? Smackdown.

SMACKDOWN IS LIVE!

I turn on the television and just catch the end of the Jamie Foxx show. I must be blessed or something.

Here we go. Flair knocks UT’s nameplate off his door to start off the show. Undertaker watches himself beat up David Flair on the other side of the door. Flair’s on his way to the ring, UT will probably follow him, and maybe UT will finally let that poor camera man out of bondage.

People are beautiful. Smackdown is sold out in San Antonio. Could we see a big return tonight? No, not the Rock. It shouldn’t be called a return if a guy is gone for two weeks. Wrestlemania needs another Texan to make it special.

Flair is coming to the ring. He is saying Undertaker’s name. Flair said his dream came true when he became an owner instead of a wrestler. My dreams won’t come true if I become a webmaster instead of a writer. I know you don’t think it’s the same thing. Is Flair rambling? Did he just slip up? I dunno, I’m typing and stuff. Arn Anderson told Flair not to fight Undertaker because Arn loves him. Hey! Today is David Flair’s 23rd birthday. I have a feeling that someone is getting a bj tonight from Stacey Kiebler! And that someone is Matt Hardy. Ric is talk about trophy cases, and he’s a wrestler again. Flair is promising to bleed. Hey! He opened himself up. That actually looked pretty easy. Here comes the Undertaker, the bad guy making the best feud in the WWF work right now. Undertaker doesn’t want to fight Flair anymore. This is really cute. Undertaker has S Pride written on his chest. BSA Pride? Big Stupid Asian Pride? Oh, UT will respond tonight.

Steph is walking. Hunter is talking to her. I JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT HER PROBLEM IS! OHMIGOD! I GOT IT! I GOT IT! Screw Smackdown and this crap! I can help her! See, every time she makes an egotistical statement or gives an evil look, she’s trying to be her father! It’s not that Vince’s horribly overdone faces and melodramatically spoken lines are any better then Steph’s, it’s just that he is a big guy with a deep voice. These things look ridiculous coming out of Stephanie’s mouth. WWF, Stephanie, you need to reinvent yourself if you insist on staying on television. You need to be the anti-Vince. You need to be the quiet evil. Quiet evil is something the WWF doesn’t do very well, but when you do it, it’s a million times better then your loud evil. Don’t you get it?

Whack of the night! Storm getting beaten by RVD, who then whacked him off.

Regal is at ringside. RVD is coming to the ring to fight Goldust. Will it be champion vs. champion at Wrestlemania? Will these two belts finally be united? The Harternenticore title? RVD starts things off by attacking Goldust as he dances outside. RVD looks kind of pissed about something. Hey! Dustin has golden weapons! That’s cute. They seem to be blowingspots with abandon. Not that one. Or that one. Regal sticks his nose in. Goldust setting up the ball shot. Takes forever. Regal with a knucks shot. Sloppy match. Goldust wins. At Wrestlemania, he will face who is Goldust fighting? Probably some kind of battle royal.

Those movie watching rodents are freaky.

That woman in the Blimpie commercial must be good friends with Stephanie.

These matches, Rock-Hogan and Hall-Austin would have been much better at No Way Out. Steve Austin is the biggest star in the business. He should not be third from the top of the card. Hall video that never ends. Somebody wrote this week, I forget where, “Did you ever think you’d see the day when Hulk Hogan would through Spike Dudley into a ringpost?” That bothered me, because I don’t think about stuff like that.

WE NEED MORE STEPHANIE! Jericho is her man servant or something. Vince, just have them make out or something. Well, they hugged after Steph gave him Triple H’s gay first robe. Man, if someone gave my enemy my first gay looking robe, I’d be all like, “Hey! That’s my gay purple robe with little gold things on it! That’s very important to me, cause it represents my start, my gay start! Now, if you don’t give it back, we’re going to have to have a match at Wrestlemania over my gay robe.”

Or something like that.

Tajiri is coming out. This is a non-title contest. Torrie has such a pretty smile. Here comes Booker T in the great feud over shampoo. Cole cracks me up by saying the fans in Japan were excited that Edge got the shampoo commercial over Booker T. Remember when Tajiri was dangerous? Remember his kick to the end made fans cringe? Remember how over he was. I just don’t understand why the WWF kills pushes of people who are able to get over. Booker wins. Tajiri is used as the helpless damsel in distress who Edge saves. Insta-feud!

Rock Video to POD’s so alive. POD is so positive. The Rock is here, and his name plate is apparently covering the Utility Room sign.

Daily Show rules all!

Booker T. hungry man commercial. His wife made a frozen meal for dinner. Doesn’t Booker have to eat enough crap on the road? Can’t you actually cook for him, bitch? Well, Booker is dating Paisley, who has disappeared from WWF television in favor of 20 Stephanie sketches. Sharmel is such a talent that the WWF has completely missed the boat here.

More Blockbuster rodents riding lizards. I think that’s some kind of political statement.

Hearing that on Saturday Night the WWF will rock Kalamazoo is kind of funny.

Lita looks really hot in her Smackdown match photo.

The Rock is back, and he’s not dead! He also apparently doesn’t have any injuries or something, wait, Lawler just disputed that fact. I remember when I was locked in an ambulance and run over with a mack truck. It took me two months until I was able to wrestle again. Did you know that the Rock is human? I thought he was some kind of Data like android. The Rock is wearing his Goldberg shirt. Rock is calling his match versus Hogan the biggest of all time. I dunno, if Ali was to box Mike Tyson right now, I don’t think it would establish the best boxer ever. Bad example, I know. Rock says that Hogan made a mistake in not finishing him off when he had the chance. I dunno, running someone over is kind of finishing them off. Here comes HoHaNa! See, they’re being the quiet evil right now. Hogan says crippled ass again. CRZ was right about Hogan needing to put over a catchphrase. Rock is begging Hogan to take advantage of a weakened Rock, an invitation Pat Patterson would love to have. Tonight is Rock’s lucky night. Hall said he’d take advantage of Rock. Don’t sing it, bring it. What the hell is going on with Nash? Heh, Rock called Hall Chico. The Rock will never forget what Hall and Nash did to him 3 weeks ago. It seemed like he forgot what Austin did to him. Rock is selling the you’re next catchphrase now, the one thing Goldberg could do better then him. And that’s that. Let’s look at this in a historical context kind of way.

Wrestling is, was, and will always be a stupid distraction from real life.

Wrestling figures commercial, probably with R-13 technology or something like that. I dunno.

Boot of the week features Al Snow and Maven and UT, despite not many boots being used.

Is it just me, or is Maven getting bigger? Maven is always suppressing a smile. I like that. Scratch that, I love that. I love seeing someone to be happy to be wrestling. UT goes right after Al Snow. If they really want to get the match over at Wrestlemania, right now a video should come on the screen of Sara running away from her house, a big burning 4 on the front yard. Whatever. Maven is in. UT is pacing himself. Awkward spot. Boot of the night! Lugz is hardcore, word. Al Snow gets clubbered. Chokeslam for Maven. UT still has not learned his lesson and pulls Maven up at the count of two. Dragon sleeper, and Maven taps out. Oh. Well, oh. Is that the blowoff to this feud? It was a great feud. Flair now has to beg UT for the match, but instead he’s beating the hell out of him. The camera wire got in the way, and play Undertaker’s music as he retreats!

The guys from Friday do a heist movie, Jodie Foster does a single parent in distress movie, Joan of Arc does a video game movie and two rodents talk and ride lizards. Maybe it has something to do with Enron?

This Sunday the WWF Linkest Weak is on.

Well, it’s 45 minutes before the end of the show, bring on the Undisputed champion to fight Kane. Stacy-Lita is obviously the more important match. That’s a pretty robe Jericho is wearing. It looks like it was made in 20 minutes using 30 cents worth of material. Here comes Kane. Do you smell screw job, cause I smell screw job. Wasn’t this a worst match of the year candidate once? Kane, the dark freak of nature, horribly scarred inside and out, enjoys wearing shirts that show off his nipple. I haven’t really been paying attention, but the crowd sounds dead. Angle with the Angle Slam, and the match is over. Kane is beating up Angle. Music screw up. Steph with Hunter’s gay robe. Does Stepahnie pop out? Will Triple H and Chris Jericho be the main event, or will that be Hogan and Rocky? Whatever. I am so spaced out today.

Despite my feelings of annoyance towards her, I will make sure to rewind and pause to see if Stephanie showed off her breast side. I mean best side! I mean, um, uh, DON’T LOOK AT ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Hey, I’m not one to talk, but you think Hunter will ever date a girl with a normal voice?

Stop with the As If jokes, Cole and Lawler. You don’t, and I’ll boycott the WWF. I’m sure you’re afraid. Asian tour stuff. That must rule.

Ric Flair is talking with the cops. Apparently Flair hit someone. The cops need a piece of paper for miranda, and he still screws it up. Vince, how hard is it to find an actor in Texas? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is difficult. UT was watching that with a smile on his face.

Kane is looking for Kurt, he just wants to talk. That’s cute. Something big might happen here. Angle with some big metal thing and now the crappy metal door shot of doom. That chair shot looked painful. I’m picking Kane at Wrestlemania so Nash can feud with someone.

Release the barrels for knock down action, PK! RELEASE THE BARRELS!

Blade II is coming. Be very afeared.

Stacey has her own music now. Good ring entrance. I like the jump, land on the knee, get up quickly and enter the ring slowly. Oh. That’s the ZZ Top song. Here comes Lita, looking much less cute then her preview photo. Stacy with her one offensive move and Lita kicks out. Damn that was quick. Other stuff happened and Lita won. Stacey interferes in Lita’s interview and gets a twist of fate and a moonsault. Jazz is now killing Lita and talking shit. Cole said Lita should be careful what she wishes for, because her dreams may come true. I think Cole messed up that statement a little, but I mess up every other statement, so it’s all good.

Stephanie wants to keep the dog. There’s Hunter. He brought back Steph’s car. Well, half of it. Cute bit.

Here comes Hall. Now an IM conversation I had with my friend during the ending. My friend does not generally watch wrestling.

VPJG: I hate canada. I hate the cold. I have no money. I have no reason to go.

STonEDbuZ: i hear ya… but we could spray paint obsenities on our car in french…

VPJG: I’m going home tomorrow I think. Call me.

STonEDbuZ: ill be home tommorow too.. is danny coming home?

VPJG: ?

STonEDbuZ: oh shit! look what he did to her car!

VPJG: Divorce sucks.

STonEDbuZ: i think cwern said danny was coming home friday…

VPJG: What’re you doing watching this shit?

STonEDbuZ: it definatly does…

STonEDbuZ: i dont know

STonEDbuZ: what happened to the rock?

VPJG: He was chained in an ambulance and run over with a mack truck.

VPJG: I swear to God I’m not kidding. This shit is so stupid.

STonEDbuZ: he looks ok to me…thats realistic, hit by a mack truck and only have a bandage on the stomach…

VPJG: He has a bandage on his stomach?

VPJG: Why, he does!

STonEDbuZ: yeah, and hulk hogan is really old

VPJG: Hogan! Rock! 10 minutes left in the show!

VPJG: He’s ancient.

VPJG: AUSTIN! IT’S NUTS! NUTS I SAY!

STonEDbuZ: yes, pretty crazy

VPJG: That’s Vince McMahon.

VPJG: He talks alot.

STonEDbuZ: he sure does… guess thats what guys in suits do

VPJG: I dunno. Some people in suits fight, like mafia members.

VPJG: Do you have this conversation saved?

VPJG: Like did you delete it or anything?

STonEDbuZ: i didnt delete it

VPJG: Watch them kill time. It’s funny. Can you copy and paste it over to me?

STonEDbuZ: right, but mafioso take off their suits when they fight, its not civilized…

VPJG: This is horrible time management.

VPJG: Still 3 minutes left.

STonEDbuZ: hmmm

STonEDbuZ: thats a good ending… throw beer at the wrestlers

VPJG: It’s like an opera.

VPJG: Copy and paste this over. You’ll be in my report.

STonEDbuZ: hmmm haha

STonEDbuZ: there are to many words

VPJG: You’re retarded. Later.

Later. Flea is up next!