A Wrestling News Report 3.15.02

JUNK NEWS!!! HUZZAH!

Vince McMahon was very happy with RAW on Monday. Vince McMahon is very involved with nWo angle, and some consider it his pet project backstage. Vince McMahon is very happy with the current direction of the WWF. Vince McMahon is extremely pleased with the operation of his new morphine pump and plans to up the dosage.

Meanwhile, Steve Austin is not very happy right now. I said Steve Austin is not very happy right now. Do you have some kind of hearing problem? He’s not happy. I SAID HE’S NOT HAPPY! Shut up! You idiots and your ‘what’.

The split will take place two weeks after Wrestlemania, or maybe a little later. 3 weeks or a month at the most. It depends on HHH, who controls all decisions in professional wrestling.

HHH was on Conan and Opie and Anthony, where he revealed that he does not follow the rules, he makes the rules, because he is the game, and he is that damn wood. As a pack of beavers attacked him, he shouted, ‘GOOD! I MEANT GOOD!”

The WWF Diva’s special tanked in the ratings. Blame is being put on the shoulders of Lance Storm, who will be fired shortly.

The love between Shawn Michaels and HHH has come to an end when HHH suddenly realized what a giant asshole Shawn is.

Hogan is claiming to have a broken rib and Nash is bitching about the schedule. Meanwhile, Devon Storm just wants a goddamned shot, Vince.

PART OF SMACKDOWN UNTIL I FELL ASLEEP!

We start off with a Lucy recap. I guess between Vince loving the NWO and Stephanie loving the Lucy angle, this whole company is run by a bunch of idiots. Triple H hurts his leg. Wrestlemania count is on!

Here we go. 1. Michael Cole welcomes us. 2. Things look bad for the Game. 3. 4. Here comes Kurt. I have never 5 seen a less mediocre wrestler stuck in mediocrity. Here comes RVD. 6. 7. A wrestling sequence to start. King calls RVD a slinky. I don’t see it. Did you know he’s RVD? His thumbs say so. Twice. You’ve got two of your next big stars in the ring, and you’re talking about HHH’s announcement? RVD and Kurt Angle are the dumb act? 8. 9. Dumb act doesn’t mean what you think it means. Look it up. 10. 11. RVD counters the anklelock. Damn, this is a good match. 12. DAMN! Big belly to belly from the top rope with Regal distraction and beat down. 13, 14, 15. Kane now coming after Angle. Chokeslam for Regal. Angle runs. 16.

Vince is TALKING!!! 17. There’s Flair. Flair looks so old. I guess we can’t defeat time. 18. Flair has the night off. I have a cold. 19. 20.

Did you know 21, 22 that Drowning Pool will be at 23 Wrestlemania. So will the four tag teams. We all get the point of the count. I’m too sick to keep up this drinking. So, it’s Jeff Hardy vs. the 3B’s. Jeez, I’ve been ignoring this match. I’m retiring from play by play as it happens right now. There are already two Smackdown reports. Nah, I’ll keep going, but not much. Billy wins and there’s a big brewhaha. Refs separate them. It’s over. I am so distracted.

Lita is getting kinda heelish. She and Trish start fighting. Good thing those refs were there. David Flair is back to fight Undertaker. He looks like a dumber and less attractive Lance Bass. Just the dumb.

Here comes Al Snow. Here comes TBS. Nice to see Al back on TV. TBS is throwing him around. Al Snow landed on Little Naitch’s neck at one point. There’s Goldust. There’s Maven. BIG DROPKICK for Show. Maven wins the Hardcore title. There’s Hogan. He has a video he wants played. I think it’s Santa with Muscles, but I’m not sure.

DAMN! FOLEY IS BACK! No, wait, that’s a System of a Down commercial.

I’m sorry I’m sick guys. I’ll be better for a more important Smackdown before a PPV.

Cole wants to suck Hogan’s balls or something. Mixed reaction for him. He’s doing his old posing bit. He was on Imus this morning. He didn’t have much to say. Hogan has seemed to figured out how to avoid the What curse. He just keeps on talking without pause. A leg drop as a successful finishing move is awesome. Screw believability, you do it enough times and people will believe it. Here comes Rocky. He doesn’t want to kill Hulkamania, cause it’s a fantasy. Hogan holds up 3 fingers to respond. SAMWICH IS NOT A CATCHPHRASE! Why do they keep calling this the biggest match ever? Every match is the biggest match ever. Bleh. Hogan is ripping his shirt off, cartoonishly. This is stupid. I need to puke. Back. Segment over.

Hey! Beer doesn’t cause fatness or something. That’s nice.

Here comes Booker.

I am so sorry. I fell asleep. I’m pretty sick. Let’s do the Wrestlemania picks.

WRESTLEMANIA PICKS!

Edge vs. Booker T – Prepare for the war over shampoo! I pick Booker T at this PPV, but Edge will get the victory back on RAW, maybe. Should be a good match.

Jazz (c) vs. Lita vs. Trish Stratus – Woman’s Title – I’ll go out on a limb and predict that this will be a pretty good match, and I’ll also pick Lita.

DDP (c) vs. Christian – European Title – This is DDP’s first Wrestlemania match, and I see him coming away with the victory.

Billy & Chuck (c) vs. The APA vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. The Dudley Boyz – Tag Titles – Is this an elimination match? If it is, I look for it to come down to the Hardyz and the Dudleyz, and I see the Hardyz taking the gold. I also see the beginnings of a double turn, but not all the way.

William Regal (c) vs. RVD – IC Title – What is with Vince’s boner for Regal? RVD is too talented and too loved by the fans to be held down this year. Still, the WWF has been able to take an initially incredibly popular wrestler from ECW and reduce Tajiri to a joke, so let’s see if that’s their plan for Rob. I’m going to hope the answer is no and pick RVD.\

Kane vs. Kurt Angle – In the upset of the night, Kane wins. Also, I figured out why the midcard seems so thrown together this year. During the past year, (starting with the end of last year’s Wrestlemania) who was Booker T’s biggest feuds against? The Rock and Steve Austin. RVD’s? Steve Austin and Jeff Hardy. Triple H? Injured most of the year, but Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho. Chris Jericho? The Rock, and lately Triple H. Kane? The one main event he was featured in was against Steve Austin and Triple H. Kurt Angle? Steve Austin and HHH. Now then, Steve Austin? The Rock. The Rock? Steve Austin. When everyone is pretty much worst enemies with two people who have spent the year being each other’s chief rivals, Wrestlemania is going to appear thrown together. Especially when the big two aren’t even fighting each other. Kane vs. Angle is a match I’d expect to see on RAW to build up to either Kane or Angle versus one of the big two. It’s a nothing match, and therefore Kane will win.

Ric Flair vs. The Undertaker – Ric Flair wins with the help of the 4 Horsemen if this PPV is going to be at all memorable.

Scott Hall vs. Steve Austin – Everyone else has chimed in on the nWo, I guess now is as good a time as ever for my thoughts. When Hogan, Hall and Nash first formed the nWo, it was shocking. It was the WWF invading WCW, and that idea was enforced by the addition of other WWF wrestlers to the group. Unfortunately, they wore out their welcome. It was the same thing, over and over again. When they had a match with the Steiners, you knew Hall and Nash would lose but get the titles back the next night. You knew Hogan’s matches would end with an nWo attack. Then they broke up and reformed and broke up and reformed. Then WCW was bought by Vince, and everyone started talking about how great it would be when Hall and Nash showed up in the WWF, with everyone thinking that Hogan was busy with the XWF or whatever. And it was great. The possibilities seemed to be endless, but the truth of the matter was that it never had any chance of succeeding. It was an old idea that had worked at one time because it was new. It involved 3 formerly big names, but now there is only one big name, and he doesn’t have much left. The other two are names that I recognize, but more for the infamy of their past actions then for what they’ve accomplished in the ring. I hear Hall, I think drunk. I hear Nash, I think lazy. I hear Hogan, I think old legend. You might’ve just as well brought back Roaddog, Lex Luger and Roddy Piper and called them the biggest threat in wrestling history.

In any other business, 3 aging ex-employees who left the company to work for the direct competition would not be welcomed back. In the WWF, they now occupy two of the three biggest spots at the biggest show of the year after spending a little more then two months with the company. Call Vince an idiot for thinking this would draw money, but also call him forgiving. How forgiving? Not forgiving enough to job the wrestler whose catchphrase became the only thing that wrestling fans seem to care about anymore to a person who hasn’t even been on a wrestling PPV in quite a long time. Stone Cold wins, which has to mean that

The Rock vs. Hollywood Hogan – Rock loses, Hogan wins. Which leads to the Stone Cold-Hogan meeting at the next PPV, meaning that The Rock will need someone to fight, leading me to believe that

Chris Jericho (c) vs. Triple H – WWF Undisputed Title – Jericho wins. Rock faces Jericho at the next PPV, Hogan faces Austin, Triple H faces Hall, and Angle faces, um, how about a surprisingly spry Koko B-Ware? Or maybe I’m wrong. In fact, I’m almost definitely wrong. Don’t quote me on any of this. Enjoy Flea.

Enjoy Flea and Wrestlemania. Later.