A Wrestling News Report 3.21.02

Ah, what a week. I’m in danger of failing one class but I might not even need a college degree for the lucrative job I’ve suddenly got lined up. Don’t wanna jinx it, though.

News!!!

SMACKDOWN STUFF!

Booker T and Edge fight, Hogan and Vince talk, William Regal and the APA and DDP talk, Hall and Nash talk, Trish and Lita fight Jazz and Ivory, Lillian asks RVD about the draft, Spike talks about Brock, Regal and DDP fight, Jericho and Stephanie and Triple H talk, Test and Tajiri fight, Vince and Hall and Nash talk, Mighty Molly and Hurricane fight, Undertaker and Flair talk, Billy and Chuck and their stylist fight the Hardyz, The Rock fights Nash. Looks like a lot of fun.

AUSTIN SITS OUT RAW AND SMACKDOWN IN PROTEST OR SOMETHING, I DON’T REALLY HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION TO SAY THIS AS A FACT

After apparently ruining WWF booking plans by refusing to job to Scott Hall at Wrestlemania (And we all thought those three would be the problem. Come on, admit it! We were all so sure that the NWO would come in and refuse to job to everyone else, causing edge to develop a heroine problem and either shoot himself or overdose in some bathroom in a bus terminal. We never thought Steve Austin would be the problem. We’re idiots, all of us! All of the tell tale signs were there, but we ignored them because of our infatuation with the word ‘What’!) Steve Austin has sat out this weeks tapings of both Raw and Smackdown. Here is a 411 exclusive transcript of Vince and Steve’s Tuesday meeting.

Vince: Steve, I’m going to tolerate this.

Steve: What?

Vince: You can’t sit out Raw and Smackdown and expect everything to be all right when you come back.

Steve: What?

Vince: DAMNIT STEVE, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!

Steve: What?

Vince: So we change our plans and let you win at Wrestlemania, and now you won’t even talk to me out of character. That’s just great, Steve. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Steve: What? What? What?

Vince: STOP SAYING WHAT!

Steve: What?

A gun shot is heard.

Steve: OH MY GOD! OH GOD! OH! Oh. Oh God.

Vince: DAMNIT! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THESE THINGS?

Steve: Oh. Everything’s getting dark. Why Vince, why?

Vince: That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves. The question we should be asking is ‘Why Steve, Why’?

Steve: Please tell my wife I love her.

Vince: I have no obligations to your family. Still, I do plan on putting Debra in a fued with Triple H. Then when that fails, I’ll drop her with substandard equipment from the ceiling.

Steve: I I don’t job in Canada. (Steve Austin dies.)

Vince: NOOOOOO! Hey, Edge?

Edge: What up, yo?

Vince: Ready for the main event?

Edge: I was born ready.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The WWF is making a Pile Driver ride at Niagra Falls. It will not be the first someone will take a ride at Niagra falls after sticking someone’s head under their crotch.

The WWF is still not sure the order of the draft this Monday. One thing is for sure, and that is that they are splitting up the Hardyz and pushing Jeff to the moon, as we need a skinny pale close to dead champion right now.

The Rock is not scheduled to be in The Mummy 3, which will star Jeff Hardy as the apparently dead villain.

Smackdown finished 83rd out of 142 shows last week, declaring itself the new A Guy, a Girl and a Pizza Place of television shows.

Ozzy and Triple H will be at WWF NY at 10 am today to announce the line-up of Oz Fest. “Becus es da gay enat am hood.”

Junk news! Huzzah!

SPOTLIGHT COLUMN!

This is the second one for BFP. He’s a funny guy. You can email him at BFPisBuff@aol.com.

Well, Wrestlemania has come and gone, but I’ve still got a few things to say about it. Thanks to my good pal Reject for helping me out with some of these. I dug deep into my knowledge of wrestling for these ones. Hope you enjoy it more than Maven vs. Mighty Molly!

1. Andre The Giant has not wrestled at a Wrestlemania since his death.

2. Contrary to popular belief, the Undertaker is NOT the only undefeated wrestler at Wrestlemania. Saba Simba has also never lost a Wrestlemania match.

3. Wrestlemania may or may not be Latin for “Octoberfest.”

4. Vince McMahon originally came up for the idea of Wrestlemania at a lunch meeting at Titan Towers. In a similar note, Stephanie and the writing team will book this years Wrestlemania at a lunch meeting, 2 hours before the show.

5. The original main event for Wrestlemania 13 was to be Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels, but unfortunately Shawn lost his smile and the ability to lay down with his shoulders on the mat.

6. Holding Wrestlemania in Canada gives the WWF a unique opportunity that they only get when heading into the Great White North. Said WWF trainer Tom Pritchard, “We love placing illegal drugs in the luggage of guys we want to fire, but don’t have the heart to. Just ask Grandmaster Sexay!”

7. Trish Stratus is looking forward to wrestling in her hometown. Said Stratus, “I’m very nervous, because it’s such a big show, such a big crowd, my hometown….and of course the fact that I’ve got the ring skills of a blind man with no arms.”

8. Wrestlemania 2 was the first sequel to Wrestlemania. Conversely, it can be argued that Wrestlemania 3 was the first sequel to Wrestlemania 2. There is no arguement, however, that Wrestlemania 4 really, really sucked.

9. Ray Charles was the opening musical act for a Wrestlemania once. When asked which was his favorite match, Charles began to weep and say that he was blind. Good to see at least his tear ducts aren’t all broken like his eyes. (Note: IF RAY CHARLES IS READING THIS….HALLELUJAH! IT’S A MIRACLE!)

10. Of all worldwide “Mania” related events, Wrestlemania is the most famous. Coming in a distant second is Herpesamania, a herpes conference that brings together people with various genital sores and scabs. That’s more entertaining than ANY Hulk Hogan match, if you ask me!

11. This year, the WWF will again have a fan Axcess weekend. Some new interactive things have been added, including an area where you can meet stars, a trivia contest, and a booth where you can pin Tazz in a squash.

12. Bret Hart was given an offer to appear at this years Wrestlemania. Hart respectfull declined, which angered Vince McMahon, who said, “Oh, he’s just mad I had his brother’s murder look like an accidental death!”

13. S.D. Jones wrestled in the first Wrestlemania and paved the way for many, many black jobbers to come. Booker T should thank this man!

14. The WWF World Title has changed hands 13 different times at Wrestlemania. Conversely, the WWF Hardcore title changed hands 422 thousand times, at Wrestlemania 16 alone.

15. The appearance of Boyz II Men at Wrestlemania 15 was rumored to have increased the PPV buyrate by 2.0. That’s right, 2 full people.

16. Flamboyant homosexual Liberace appeared at the first Wrestlemania. Since that day, Bradshaw has frequently pushed to bring him back for a special appearance. He even offered to let the man use his own shower.

17. Pat Patterson was said to be very supportive of Bradshaw’s requests. GET IT, CUZ HE’S GAY! OMG ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

18. At Wrestlemania 7, The Ultimate Warrior started talking to his hands mid-match. To this day we don’t know if it was a work or a shoot.

19. Contrary to popular belief, Wrestlemania 16 did NOT give us the first Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match. Dino Bravo vs. Ronnie Garvin at Wrestlemania 5 was a TLC match as well. It just didn’t involve tables, ladders, or chairs. Or wrestling moves. Or talented wrestlers.

20. Randy Savage was one of the biggest stars of the earliest Wrestlemanias. In a recent interview, he was asked which of the current stars most resembles him. Savage thought for a moment and said, “That’s a tough question…is Hulk Hogan having sex with anyone’s wife? Cuz if so, I’d say I’m like that guy.”

21. There have been rumors over the years that there was actually a Wrestlemania held in 1982. But those rumors were started by Lord Alfred Hayes, who’s nothing but a beligerent drunk.

22. Apparently, many wrestlers in the industry used to think the show was called RestHoldMania, which explains all the craptastic matches.

23. Despite holding the IC title longer than anyone else in history, The Honkytonk Man only appeared on 3 Wrestlemanias. This was the most clever piece of booking ever presented by Vince McMahon.

24. Booker T defeated Fit Finley for the WCW Title at Great American Bash 1998. If you don’t know what this has to do with Wrestlemania, you’re an idiot.

25. Saliva is scheduled to appear at this years Wrestlemania. Being the genius that she is, Stephanie McMahon booked them after she heard they are currently selling well. Look for them to bump like maniacs for Big Show.

26. The Ultimate Warrior defeated Hulk Hogan for the title at Wrestlemania 6. He didn’t go crazy until around Wrestlemania 9 though.

27. Many people have said that Wrestlemania isn’t as important as it used to be. However, it still remains one of the 12 most important PPV’s of the year. Unless you count UK only PPV’s. And WWA shows. And porn.

28. Sable was originally scheduled to lose her title to Tori at Wrestlemania 15, but the plans were changed and she was given the win as her 70th birthday gift!

29. Hulk Hogan won the World Title at Wrestlemania 9 in attempt to BOOST ratings. I don’t feel a joke is necessary here.

30. The first ever Wrestlemania match in 1985 was Tito Santana vs. The Executioner. The first ever GOOD Wrestlemania match didn’t happen until 1987.

31. Howard Finkel has appeared at every Wrestlemania ever. In a related note, I bet he gives kids beer for sex.

32. Some people said that giving the Womens title to popular star Chyna at Wrestlemania 17 would add a spark to the division. Those people were wrong, because Chyna wasn’t popular.

33. Lawrence Taylor and Bam Bam Bigelow faced off in the main event of Wrestlemania 11. Thankfully, horrible workers like Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart were left on the undercard.

34. Randomwrestling.com writer Iceman actually lost his virginity during Wrestlemania 13!!!! Only replace “Random wrestling writer Iceman” with The Sultan and replace “lost his virginity” with “jobbed to Rocky Maivia.”

35. Ted Dibiase may or may not have died at Wrestlemania 3.

36. The only Wrestlemania that rhymes with Bessle Bania Belve is Wrestlemania 12.

37. Wrestlemania 4 was the only Wrestlemania to feature any type of tournament. Unfortunately it was a tournament to see who could bring fans into a coma the quickest.

38. Jimmy Hart managed several teams to victory at Wrestlemania. His strategy was to loudly bellow into a megaphone and wear outrageous clothing. And people wonder why managers aren’t around anymore.

39. Regis Philbin once beat the living crap out of Akeem in a fight that stemmed from Regis upgrading his flight to first class, despite not being a main eventer.

40. Wrestlemania 7 had to be moved to a much smaller venue due to “bomb threats”. While that is well known already, not many people knew the bomb threats were from the booking staff themself.

41. Hulk Hogan dug deep into his moveset at Wrestlemania 18, and delivered a chokeslam to The Rock. While it was shocking to see a new Hogan move, it was delivered with the slopiness and weakness that only the Hulkster can provide us with!

42. After losing his WWF title at Wrestlemania 8, Ric Flair was reported to be in the doghouse for blading during the match. It was said that McMahon was so angry that one day he vowed to make a clown that wrestled, a garbage man, and a sumo wrestler that danced with crazy white boys. Sadly, Vince McMahon DELIVERED on these promises.

43. Edge was in attendance at Wrestlemania 6, and wrestled in the same building at Wrestlemania 12 years later. Similarly, Randomwrestling.com’s own Iceman was in attendance at Wrestlemania 18. So by Wrestlemania 30, he should be defending the honor of Japanese shampoo companies against angry breakdancing black guys.

44. The Legion of Doom made a stunning return to the ring at Wrestlemania 14. Unfortunately they left their talent at Wrestlemania 7 or so.

45. Brock Lesnar has never wrestled on Wrestlemania. But thanks to the internet and it’s fountain of reporters, we DO know that he “is huge like Scott Steiner.”….someone please email me if they get that joke.

46. Who won the opening match at Wrestlemania 10? You guessed it. Frank Stallone.

47. Wrestlemania 6 was held on April Fools Day. Sadly, it turned out they WEREN’T just joking, and actually did book a match with Sapphire in it.

48. Sapphire is the only obese black woman in polka dots to ever win a match at Wrestlemania.

49. Wrestlemania 4 holds the record for most TOTAL matches with 16. It also holds the record for most BAD matches with 8.

50. Gorilla Monsoon once tried cutting electricity with a knife at Wrestlemania 2. He was hospitalized for days.

-BFP

See you tomorrow.