A Wrestling News Report 3.22.02

DRAFT NEWS!

Okay, so get this. The WWF has begun advertising what talent from Ric Flair’s group will appear at a house show in Germany. To be honest with you, this sounds like the perfect way to screw with the Internet crowd, and things could be much different come Monday. Still, the following names are being advertised as part of Ric Flair’s Raw.

-Steve Austin

-Chris Jericho

-Kevin Nash

-Scott Hall

-Kane

-Rob Van Dam

-The Hardy Boyz

-Lita

-The Big Show

-X-Pac

-William Regal

-Billy & Chuck

-Bradshaw

Wow. Looking at this list, many deductions can be reached. First of all, X-Pac will be feuding with Rob Van Dam for the Intercontinental Title. Also, Kane and The Big Show will have a romantic relationship. Chris Jericho will be beaten from house show to house show by Chris Jericho. Scott Hall will get really drunk and mistake Jeff Hardy for Michael Jackson. Ric Flair will decide to draft the NWO so that he and Kevin Nash can rehire Mick Foley and drive him crazy.

Well, I don’t know if this is real or if this is going to work. If I were Vince, I would’ve tried to help out the WWA instead of splitting his product up. Still, it’ll be cool to see if two different creative teams are really working on each show, and which one gets Stephanie with her dog fiction.

This will leave Vince with The Rock, Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle, Booker T, The Undertaker, Edge, Christian, Lance Storm, Rikishi, Test, and a whole bunch of others. I am kind of confused as to how the championship matches are going to work, but whatever.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

NWO JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Kevin Nash was apparently very upset over the Rock calling him Big Daddy Bitch. He went to Vince and complained to him. Vince could never resist Kevin Nash’s puppy eyes and gave Nash full booking power. Nash asked, “Where’s Goldberg?”

Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and Hulk Hogan all arrived 4 hours late to the Smackdown taping. Apparently Chris Benoit tripped in the airport. Instead of helping him up, the three of them held Chris down for 3 and a half hours.

Scott Hall apparently made some comments this week that upset some WWF superstars. It did not help that Kevin Nash backed him up after each comment. Here are some transcripts of the comments.

“Brock Lesnar? More like, um, Brock LESBIAN!”

“Score!”

“The APA? More like, um, the APGAY!”

“Score!”

“Look, it’s the Dudley Boyz! Oooh, the 3-D! More like, um, the 3-PEE!”

“Score! You’re on a roll, Scott.”

“DDP? More like, um, DD PEE!”

“Huh?”

“Pee spelled with two e’s.”

“Score!”

“Hey, it’s the Hurricane. More like the boomerang!”

“Score! Man, you’re so drunk!”

“Yo, I know.”

“Lita? More like, PITA! I’m going to stuff you full of tuna and eat you!”

“Score!”

“Matt did that once.”

“Oh. Okay. Ew.”

“The Big Show? More like, The Afro!”

“Score!”

“You guys are so cruel. WAHHHHHHHHH!”

“No! We were just kidding! Kev, our words have hurt someone.”

“Let us never be mean again.”

“Hey, Stone Cold! More like, Stone Cold!”

“Hey, thanks.”

“I feel better about myself.”

Kevin Nash is apparently up to his old politic games, but no one is falling for them this time. No one, except for Lance Storm, who has said he’ll follow Nash anywhere. Silliness erupted when Nash had to pee.

NWO JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH! Now other junk news. Huzzah.

The WWF will be the main sponsor of Ozzfest after being turned down by Lillith Fair.

It appears that both Eddy Guerrero and Rey Misterio Jr. are headed to the WWF very soon. Both men have been involved in contract negotiations with the WWF over the past few weeks. Their contracts stipulate the Rey cannot be used as a dart and Eddy is not allowed to hang out with Scott Hall.

HHH saying that Chris Jericho is a notch below him on Off the Record has gotten him heat backstage. “Oh no,” HHH said, “I don’t know how my career will recover from that slip up. Hey, Steph, can you book me over Jericho and Booker T in a handicapped match when Jericho slips on a banana peel? You can? I’m back, baby!”

Eric Bischoff wants very much to reach a deal with the WWF and be a part of the NWO so that he can reveal the finishes to the main events on his own program.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Plugs

Hyattes back! Go read the Wrestlemania Mop-Up. There are many imitators and one innovator, and I sure as hell am not an innovator. Go read the Man.

The Joker’s Spot is back, as is Time For a Take. Two Smackdown Reports will be up soon, one by Keith and one by Carlos. Benovitz doesn’t post a top ten list this week as he talks about Wrestlemania, and neither does Gamble as he announces what the World is According to him.

Don’t you guys want to write reviews for video games for 411? Jonathan Hurtado, a great guy, has announced that he needs helps. Here, read his own words.

HELP WANTED 3

Posted By Jonathan Hurtado on 03.10.02

Greetings all. 411 VG is looking to expand its roster once again. We’re looking for the following:

1 Playstation 2 reviewer

1 Xbox reviewer

1 Gamecube reviewer

2 Game Boy Advance reviewers

1 Classic reviewer (any old system)

Send a full review on a game for the system you are applying to. There are strict guidelines that you must follow before submitting your review.

** The game you review cannot already be reviewed on this site as of the day this was posted (3/10/02). Check the archives if you’re not sure which games have already been done. The only exception to this rule is RAW for Xbox.

** Your review must be in “Final Draft” condition. This means there cannot be any spelling or grammatical errors, such as fragmented or run-on sentences.

** No rating system can be used in your review. In other words, don’t rate the game’s graphics with a ‘9’ or ‘A’ or ‘****’. Instead, describe in full detail why the graphics are so good.

** Avoid using paragraph descriptors like “Graphics:” and “Replay Value:” if possible. They force you to write your review in a certain way.

** Do not send your review as an attachment. If you do, I will immediately delete it from my inbox without reading it.

** On your email’s subject line, follow this format:

(HW3) Game (System) Review

If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me. Some have indicated that by the time they have read previous HELP WANTED posts, the deadline had already passed. Thus, I’m giving you until Sunday, March 24 at 11:59 PM to submit your reviews. Good luck!

Hints: If your review is only one or two paragraphs long, there’s a 100% chance you won’t be selected.

Join him! The deadline ends this Sunday.

JOSHUA GRUTMAN NON WRESTLING FICTION!

I wrote a commercial for RAW is WAR Freshman year of college. Let’s see what I came up with.

World Wrestling Federation RAW IS WAR Commercial

Music over played through scenes 1-3 is Strangers in the Night.

Scene 1

Setting: Fraternity party.

Shot 1: Friday Night appears at bottom of the screen. JOHN holding a beer, talking to a friend.

Shot 2: JOHN laughing, then turning his head, freezing, and dropping beer.

Shot 3: Close up of JOHN’s face, as he looks into the camera with a loving stare.

Shot 4: ANGELLA, turning and freezing.

Shot 5: Close up of ANGELLA’s face, returning loving stare.

Scene 2

Setting: Fancy Restaurant

Shot 6: Saturday Night appears at bottom of the screen. JOHN and ANGELLA sitting across from each other, gazing lovingly. ANGELLA then hugs herself, as though she is cold.

Shot 7: Close up of JOHN’s smile as he rises from his seat.

Shot 8: JOHN walking around the table and giving ANGELLA his coat.

Shot 9: Close up of ANGELLA smiling lovingly and gazing into the camera.

Shot 10: ANGELLA AND JOHN looking lovingly at one another, then looking down, embarrassed, and then returning their stare at the same time.

Scene 3

Setting: ANGELLA’s Apartment.

Shot 11: Sundwy Night appears on bottom of screen. JOHN and ANGELLA kissing on the couch. JOHN suddenly pulls away. ANGELLA is about to protest, but then JOHN gets down on one knee.

Shot 12: Close up of JOHN’s face as he mouths the words, “Will you marry me.”

Shot 13: Close up of ANGELLA, as her eyes well up with tears. She nods.

Shot 14: ANGELLA flinging herself into JOHN’S arms.

Scene 4 (no music)

Setting: JOHN’s Room

Shot 15: Monday Night appears on bottom of the screen. Raw commentary can be heard from the television. JOHN is wearing an AUSTIN 3:16 shirt, a Degeneration X hat and he’s playing with a whole bunch of WWF action figures. He picks up his empty beer can, shakes it, and turns his head.

Shot 16: Close up of JOHN as he yells, “The Rock says I want another beer!”

Shot 17: ANGELLA comes into the shot, holding a beer. She says, “Here you go sweetheart.”

Shot 18: Close up of JOHN as he says, “Shut your mouth and know your damn role, you jabronie, if you smell what the Rock is cooking!”

Shot 19: Close up of ANGELLA, smiling seductively. She says, “Oh baby. You make me so hot.

The end.

Yeah, well, it could have been better. It could have been worse. Enjoy Flea. Enjoy Eric S. Enjoy the draft. Later.