Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 03.27.02

When destiny raises a base character by acts of great importance, it reveals his lack of substance. – Plutarch

Trying to determine the logic of Steph’s booking is like looking for nutritional value in a turd. – BFM

Who says that we can’t keep up with the classics these days?

Oh, yesterday’s quote that accidentally got cut, thus scrambling the value of the line afterward (“Someone in Congress has been reading wrestling websites”), was:

The lack of high quality digital content continues to hinder consumer adoption of broadband Internet service and digital television products. – Senate Bill S.2048, the Consumer Broadband and Digital Television Promotion Act

I’ll keep this one quick, I think. Right now, my life is getting back into cardboard again. My next column should have a new e-mail address to go along with my new physical one. Quite frankly, I’d prefer to stay where I am: the land of low sales tax, cheap dairy products, and outlet malls. However, the Commute From Hell is taking a toll on my van and on me (more than ten bucks of gas a day, three and a half hours commuting time, dealing with going through downtown Chicago…I wouldn’t wish it on anyone). So it’s a choice between moving or going completely insane and broke.

This experience isn’t new for me. Since I got out of the Army in 1992, I’ve gone from the Southwest Side of Chicago to the North Side of Chicago to Canton, Ohio to Kenosha, Wisconsin to the…well, for all intents and purposes, the Southwest Side of Chicago. I think I’ve completely wasted the last ten years of my life; either that, or I’m a salmon returning to my birthplace to spawn. The weird part about all this is that I’m not going to unpack very much at first, since I still have possible job offers pending. I’ll worry about what’s left of a year’s lease on the new place if one of them comes through. But for now, heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to pack I go. But not before I give you another column.

But first, quick pieces of mail. Matt Mihalcsik asks, who is the malcontent that doesn’t believe in dinosaurs that signed with the Rangers? I’m usually pretty good at keeping up with the complete idiots of baseball, but this one has me scratching my head. That would be Carl Everett. Ben Tanno suggests that during the upcoming Kane/NWO feud, Kane is unmasked and he and Nash have a Diesel versus Diesel match. I hesitate to print this in case Steph really does read me. Mistah MacIntyre wonders whether or not I’m going to be plugging the allegedly-upcoming Hero System Fifth Edition. I’d really have to have a look at it first. I mean, I loved Champions to death back in the day, but every time someone revises an RPG that I enjoy, they make it worse (see AD&D Third Edition).

THE PIMP SECTION

Memo to Unca Ed: I love the idea of a draft every year right after WM, but I have no confidence right now in them pulling this one off. I’d also love to see Vince come out to “Sabre Dance” just to make the plate-jugging analogy you did complete. Backlash seems like a good assumption for the Return of the Bitch of the Baskervilles. And I am very happy you agree with me on Disney’s little power play using Hollings to totally destroy what’s left of Fair Use Doctrine and make computer users complete slaves to the entertainment industry. I thought that this bill would get both sides of the political spectrum riled. What we have to do is keep getting the word out there. The chance of real mainstream media attention on this issue is about the same as getting Pope Steph the First to admit that she’s not infallible.

Nason has his indy update for your perusal.

Letawsky can admit a mistake with the best of them, but, really, Craig, you don’t have to mea your culpas that much.

So what happens, or more importantly what doesn’t happen, on Smackdown this week?

REGURGITATIONS IN A GOLDEN EYE

Jesus, they’ve just split the roster, and this is the final show of the “old era”. So what do Vince, Flair, Trip, and Angle waste fifteen minutes on? Yep, promoing about Steph. She’s there by proxy. That’s almost as bad as having her there physically. Signs are not pointing in the right direction for this show. Oh, by the way, memo to Milord: shame on you buying into the “she realizes she’s been overexposed and, oh, yeah, she’s now writing two shows so she’s too busy to be on camera” line. She’s a camera junkie, first of all, and second, wasn’t she writing two shows before?

Well, if you wanted to turn the Dudleys full face, there’s no better city to do it in than Philly. Of course, this was ECW Tribute Night, what with Tommy Dreamer helping Raven win the Hardcore Title (Before you start in on the alleged gaffe in continuity, I can see it happening. Two guys who’ve fought each other for as long and hard as they have had to develop some kind of bond.).

The difference between comedy and tragedy is simple. Comedy is Kane doing Hogan’s and Flex’s taglines. Tragedy is Hogan and Flex doing each other’s taglines.

Is Torrie Wilson’s participation in a strip poker match normal behavior, or only because this is APA’s last hurrah? If the former, get the cards. Nice to know that Helms can’t hold his beer either. What a wuss.

Too bad that Lance Storm kicking Scotty in the face as he’s going for the second-most abominable move in the WWF will be restricted to Heat. It’s time to kill the crowd heat for that bad imitation of an epileptic fit, and Storm’s the man to do it. Of course, it helped that they were in Philly.

Okay, so you’ve got a match between Hogan, Flex, and Kane on the one hand and the NWO on the other. Who would you pick to get the pinfall? If you said Kane, maybe Steph will ignore the fact that you don’t have five years of soap opera writing experience and hire you anyway. The Kane/NWO feud is going to be moronic. Unfortunately, it’s going to be the centerpiece of Raw.

The kiss of death for your heat in the WWF is obviously being feuded with Flex. Second on that list has to be an impromptu match against either of the Hardys. Pity Chris Jericho.

Methinks that Philly was not the best place for Flair to blow spots during the main. I don’t think that any other place in the world would give “You Fucked Up” chants to The Man. Let’s see how much they try to pot them down on the broadcast.

No announced trades as of yet. Maybe they’ll start doing that on Raw as they sit down and realize exactly how weak Raw is compared to SD.

All in all, it’s definitely going out with a whimper, and most of the whimpering will be done by serious wrestling fans in the upcoming weeks.

AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…

There ain’t none. Nothing new on Austin, nothing new on Eddy and Rey-Rey, nothing new on wrestlers moving from one to show another, nothing period.

BEATING THE TRADE DEADLINE, WHEN I’D RATHER BE BEATING STEPH FOR THIS MESS

So, given what we had thrown at us Monday night and the SD minor follow-ups, where would I start trading? I’m working here under two main restrictions: that the upper card and upper-mid-card remain where they are, and that the Dudleys and APA cannot be reunited. I also have to keep the trades to one-on-one or two-on-two in order to keep the 30-person rosters for both sides. Raw has to be strengthened, and there are some people on the Raw roster that should really be on SD. So let’s put them in the proper places, and give a few logical reasons why trades should be made:

Perry Saturn to Raw for the Big Bossman: First of all, Bossman’s always worked better in a WWF format than in the pseudo-WCW one that NitRaw will be creating, so let him go over to SD. Now, as for Saturn…Lesnar’s presence on Raw means Heyman’s on-camera presence on Raw. I’ve received a number of mails about the possibility of this being the beginning of a Dangerous Alliance revival. That’s a very good idea, as long as they feud with a face NWO (doesn’t sound silly if you think about it; they all want to be faces anyway, and as heels right now, they’re jokes). The easiest and most obvious way for Paul E. to build a new DA is to use his ECW core. He has Raven, Dreamer, and Richards on NitRaw right now, but he needs that final piece to the puzzle, Perry Saturn. Tazz can stay on SD; he’s not really needed for this with Raven and Dreamer there.

Lance Storm to Raw for Shawn Stasiak: The only time Stasiak was remotely interesting was when he was teamed with My Beautiful and Beloved, so hook them back up. In the meantime, there’s this lost little boy named Justin Credible on the NitRaw roster looking for a soulmate. I believe that he and Storm have a history together. In lieu of Dawn Marie, give them Terri as a valet, and then have the Impact Players kick the living shit out of the Hardys.

Bob Holly to Raw for D’Lo Brown: I’d hate to give up D’Lo, but it’s worth it to reunite Clan Holly. They’ve already separated Molly and Helms, so there’s no harm done. Besides, if anyone can talk Molly out of her delusional fantasy, it’s Bob. D’Lo would also work better with the SD lower-card roster than with the NitRaw one.

Test to Raw for Goldust: This is verging into the upper-mid-card territory, but this move is the biggest star-power boost that I can give to NitRaw. Test needs a bit more mentoring and seasoning, and Raw has the perfect mentor in Curt Hennig (I realized the pun after I wrote it; sorry). On the other side, a Goldust/Page feud would be very, very interesting.

I think that’d be a good start for trades, don’t you?

Okay, I’m outta here for now. Stay tuned for the Grut Show on this network, followed by a special one-hour Flea. As for me, it’s back to the cardboard. Have a good weekend while I’m busting my ass.