A Wrestling News Report 03.28.02

Let’s see what we can do with what little we have.

SMACKDOWN

Important stuff happens tonight! The Dudleyz last match, maybe! Ric Flair teams up with HHH! Kane is being pushed as a top player! Y2J breaks the glass ceiling down, but he goes in the wrong direction! Everybody parties! Everybody, except for that mean old William Regal! RVD defends his title against Testicle! Old enemies reunite to kill Maven! The APA sadly closes up shop, although they really haven’t protected anyone in a while! Flair f*cks up a lot! WATCH SMACKDOWN! DO IT! DO IT!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

It’s Passover, and I didn’t go home for dinner last night. I never write, I never call

Linda McMahon will be on The O’Reilly Factor tonight to listen to him talk about how wrestling sucks. You’re walking into a land mine, Linda.

Both WWF Lethal Forcible Entry or whatever and the soundtrack for Rock’s crappy movie are expected to be in the Billboard top ten this week. Top Ten SUCKY ALBUMS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT’CHU GONNA DO, WWF MUSIC CD’S, WHEN GRUTMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU?

HAHAHAHA! I NAILED THE WWF MUSIC CD’S! NAILED THEM!

Steve Corino may be up for an announcing role with the WWF. YOU LIED TO ME, STEVE!

You know who’d be perfect for the announcing role? Droz. He can come out to the Undertaker’s Limp Biscuit music. Also, he was backstage at Smackdown, and everyone was really happy to see him. Everyone except the wrestler sleeping with his wife! I’m looking at you, D-Lo!

The WWF is trying to get Scott Steiner to see a foot doctor. Scott Steiner released the following statement.

“Hey! If you don’t want to see Big Poppa Pump, you’re in the wrong building, cause I’m here! I got the freaks and hoes all up in my business if you know what I mean! I’m wearing a chain link fence around my head, and I’m Superman! You don’t see what I know! You can’t tell me I don’t know what I’m saying about it! I’ve got more muscles then God himself! I didn’t get them up illegally! These babies are all from me! My foot hurts.”

Translators are working on deciphering the statement as we speak.

Many wrestlers were very sad during the Smackdown tapings as it was the last time they’d see each other. Word is that Chris Jericho sobbed like a little girl and had to be held by a disgusted but loving Farroq.

There is a commercial on television telling me to come visit Turkey. I bet they’d love to see a lot of Americans over there right now.

Austin will be on Raw to tell everyone he’s going to only appear on Smackdown, thus causing enough confusion to create a void in the sense continuum to create a hole that will suck in all life.

Austin no showed a house show last night. He blamed it on his sickness, notgivingashititis.

Minority Report looks either really cool or a lot like Judge Dredd. I’m not sure yet.

Hey! WWF’s rating is actually getting higher for RAW! Vince is attributing the recent success to Brock Lesnar, who will take Lance Storm’s spot when Lance is fired next week.

Did you know that Lance Storm actively dislikes me? Well, he does!

I’ve been getting hate mail from two people. At first this actually really pissed me off, but instead, I’d like to thank everyone, both the lovers and the haters, for taking the time to read my work. I do put effort into it. If you’d like to say “You’re Welcome” cause it’s polite, you can e-mail me.

Excess can become a Smackdown show and Jakked/Metal can become a RAW show. However, Sunday Night Heat will continue to be filler crap wit Tazz.

Junk News! Huzzah!

PLUGS!

Screw Keith’s real Raw Rant. Read his fake one. It is required reading for anyone who has ever gone to college and is a wrestling fan. He actually gained my respect with this one. I don’t hate him anymore. I will now break bread with the incredibly ugly author/recapper.

THAT’S RIGHT, SCOTT KEITH! WHAT CHU GONNA DO, WHEN GRUTMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU! Should that be an exclamation mark or a question point?

Milton Berle is dead. To read all about it, go to the World According to Ron and morn together.

HOLY SHIT! Dudley Moore died. He had a lovely bunch of coconuts. Now they’re going to put him a grave. Big graves, small graves, they kind of feel like a bed.

Man, there was a Passover massacre in Israel. This is a really depressing news day.

OH MY GOD! LANCE STORM WILL BE FIRED IN LESS THEN SIX HOURS! NOOOO!

Go read Ask 411 so we can end this stupidity.

JOSHUA GRUTMAN’S GENIUS THOUGHT!

Wrestling isn’t something you can wrap in a package and talk about. It’s a package that must be opened and explored before it is discussed.

THAT WAS JOSHUA GRUTMAN’S GENIUS THOUGHT! SEE YOU TOMORROW!