Saturday Evening Post 3.30.02

Happy Easter! Or if Easter ain’t your thing Happy Whatever Day Your Are Reading This! For me, it’s Saturday and I’m Flea. I am celebrating Easter as usual, with a whole bunch of food, Easter egg hunts

Hey! Do you know why the Easter Bunny hides his eggs?

He doesn’t want anyone to know he f*cked a CHICKEN!

Ha ha ha. Beats telling sacrilegious jokes that might offend you guys out there. And my kid told me that one so think about that before you flame me and tell me I suck at humor. PHOOEY!

Oh and in addition to the food and Easter eggs, it’s that time of year where we get home brewed beer and homemade wine! Trust me when I tell you this stuff is good. The moonshine is cool during the winter months, but there ain’t nothing like sippin on some down home strawberry wine while kicking back in the sun.

So whatever you are doing this weekend, enjoy yourself! This year is just flying by as we are already into April! Speaking of which

Want a cool April Fools Day Tip? Well here ya go – forget the f*cking day exists. No one liked to get pranked and only morons like seeing the jokes in general. This especially applies to wrestling websites and the IWC in general. Hopefully no one on THIS site will stoop to that level and try to fool you with:

BRET HART MARRYING STEPHANIE MCMAHON

HOGAN’S GAY LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT THE BACKSATGE AREA

You know what I mean. I know that * I * won’t being doing anything fool – ish, so as far as the news on Monday (April 1) you guys are safe. And if for any reason you are into April Fools or think that bullshit is “cool” and “hip” just surf around. I’m sure SOMEONE will regale you with their creative genius.

But all that aside, once again welcome to the weekend and thank you for joining me!

Let’s get to it .

TOP STORY

Welcome to an new era in the WWF as the draft has come and gone and the dust will start settling effective Monday, which will be the Ric Flair show. New set, new music, and a new direction with the show focused around the following wrestlers:

The Undertaker

the nWo (Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, X-Pac)

Kane

Rob van Dam

Booker T

Raven

Also to be involved with the show will be HHH (as Champ) and Jazz (the Fem champ). Rumor has it that UT will get involved with H for the upcoming Backlash PPV event. Near as I can tell it looks like Kane will have issues with the n.w.o while RVD (IC champ) and Raven (Hardcore champ) will defend their respective belts against as yet to be determined opponents. I imagine Lesnar will go after Raven, which would be could as Raven would bump his ass off to get the new monster over. And speaking of Paul E, this show appears to have ECW written all over the mid card. Throw a couple of old school feuds out there and combine it with some solid in ring work and we gots all the makings for a kick ass RAW. And extended feud between RVD and Booker would work just fine, while I’m confused as hell as to what they do with Bradshaw and Bubba Ray, especially after making such a big deal about splitting up the teams. I suppose this is how all that “trade” stuff is supposed to play into things. The rest of the Raw roster looks like this:

The Big Show; William Regal; Steven Richards; Matt Hardy; Jeff Hardy; Mr. Perfect; Spike Dudley; D’Lo Brown; Shawn Stasiak; Goldust; Justin Credible; The Big Bossman; Tommy Dreamer; Crash Holly; Lita; Terri; Jackie; Trish; Molly.

Over on the Smackdown side of things we have Vince running the show and TONS of so called “star power”. Check this out –

The Rock

Kurt Angle

Chris Benoit

Hollywood Hulk Hogan

Billy and Chuck

Edge

Rikishi

Some Other Guy

Wow! The fer sure loaded up the network show, didn’t they? I was shocked as hell that Benoit ended up over here, but it’s cool. Something between him and Angle would Rock. Tajiri hanging around means this should be the show that features the Cruisers. Strike that. This will be the BRAND that features the Cruisers. I have a suspicion that these guys may not get the attention that everyone is craving for, at least not on Smackdown. Maybe EXCESS will be the featured Cruiser show? Would that just chap your ass? You would have to WATCH the Saturday Night show, instead of blowing it off like you do EXCESS.

By the way, I recap EXCESS and appear to be in the catbird’s seat if the format changes. And to all the staff here at 411, don’t even THINK about trying to bogart my Saturday Night show. And don’t tell me you were not thinking about it.

Getting back to Smackdown the rest of the roster dilly yo’s like such

D-Von Dudley; Mark Henry; Maven; Billy Kidman; Tajiri; Albert; The Hurricane; Al Snow; Lance Storm; DDP; Scott II Hotty; Christian; Test; Faarooq; Tazz; Hardcore Holly; The Big Valbowski; Perry Saturn; Ivory; Torrie Wilson; Stacy Keibler.

I would team up D-Von, Mark Henry, Faarooq and Maven for Nation of Domination 2k2, except make them REALLY in tune with soul brother ness. Get that Thursday night “urban demographic”. Hell, have them protect the Rock just for credibility. No idea what’s going to happen to Some Other Guy, now that his main event push is kaput. He should probably wave to Edge as Edge passes him by moving up the food chain ladder. Hogan will no doubt be the center point of whatever’s doing as the Fed is going to ride this wave of nostalgia as far as they can. Also, HHH and Jazz will be available for this show as well as RAW, seeing as they are da champs. As mentioned above, H has the UT to deal with first and that battle will be on the RAW show.

Depending on how they work the trades, I think both rosters accomplish what they set out to do – put the focus on the network show while keeping Monday Night hardcore viewers happy (or making them miserable, depending on you outlook) with what’s likely to be a more old school, physical product. At least we won’t (or shouldn’t) have those 25 minutes promos. Even the setup for the H and UT feud should be to the point as opposed to Rock and Hogan and Vince and Angle and etc over on Smackdown who are in love with their own words.

So there you have it. The Brands have been split and starting Monday, it’s the start of the 2002 version of wrestling as we know it here in the states. It might take a while to get everything situated so I am willing to let the drama unfold before calling it a failure. And I have yet to figure out how something can be a failure before it even gets started. If you know, please keep it to yourself. Thanks.

Also, I think the topic of “jeez why are they giving a sure fire PPV main event away on TV?”. Think about that for a second and then look at the rosters. Who ain’t a main event talent among the top tier wrestlers? It’s pretty tough anymore to book a TV main event that couldn’t main event a WWF PPV. The talent roster is that deep. So I look at a top flight TV main as a blessing and not as like the WWF is doing something horribly wrong. Just thought I would mention that.

HEADLINES

In some good news, everyone’s favorite midget Rey Mysterio is on his was North to compete is the Fed’s soon to be revamped “cruiserweight division”. As this was announced, the news also broke that there is no longer a “light heavyweight” belt, nor will there be a “light heavyweight” division. It’s going to be called CRUSIERWEIGHT dammit, it what can best be described as a wise choice and something constructive that they can resurrect from the carcass of WCW. The term “light heavyweight” always sounded so demeaning to me anyway, like not having an identity

of your own or not being good enough to compete with the heavyweights. The current Cruiserweight Champeen is Tajiri by the way. The Light Heavy champ WAS X-Pac and there is no word whether or not Pac will lower himself and get involved with the cruisers this time around. He appears to be firmly ensconced in whatever the n.w.o will be involved with, but you can’t have 6 man tag matches on every show. I thought all this shit was unified back at Survivor Series? Eh, the memory is cloudy at the moment but it is good to see that after many years of posturing and promising, the WWF appears to be serious on pushing the smaller guys. Good.

And in even better news, Eddie Guerrero is on his way back as well. Hopefully he has everything straightened out this time because I would like to see Latino Heat stay around for a little while longer this time. And be healthy. On my list of “things I like about wrestling”, Eddie being a jerk heel is right near the top. Be on the lookout for Jerry Lynn as well – not in the WWF of course but on a talk show near you crying about how he’s been f*cked again.

And to make a trifecta out of this good news Headline section, Olympic hero and uber talent Kurt Angle has signed on to the Fed for another five years. I think this may end the speculation of the return to the Olympic scene for Angle, who said about a month ago he may give the 2004 Summer Olympics a run, just to prove he is still the man in amateur wrestling. I would prefer to see him stick with pro graps just because he really has nothing left to prove and everything to lose. Details of the contact were nowhere to be found and no word if this is going to affect the resigning of Some Other Guy, who is also up for contact renewal.

The genius behind all this recent wheeling and dealing with talent relations? That would be everyone’s favorite Okie from Muskogie JR! Speaking of Good Ol’

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In the latest Ross Report, JR has a one track mind: Brand Extension. He does do a quick injury report (HHH, Nash and Hogan are a little banged up, everyone that has been hurt lately

[Benoit, Awesome, Kanyon] are healing as scheduled) but then he goes straight to the lowdown on some of the stuff that we’s gonna be lookin at next week. For example:

RAW is going to have a new set and a new theme song to go with it. That would make sense and it has been 4 + years since the current one debuted. All the other shows are going to see changes as well, but Good Ol didn’t divulge any details. He did suggest that he and Lawler would continue doing RAW, which was expected. I do wish they would get rid of the King on Mondays and replace him with someone who ain’t a f*cking goof but the Fed has their reasons for these things I guess. JR also put into writing what everyone else knows – now’s the chance for everyone to step up and try to grab a piece of the pie.

We should also expect to see Steve Austin return and raise some hell. Nothing negative from JR here as the company line for all of this still appears to be ” free” and “agent”. Hmmm..

Kane gets the latest royal treatment as “the next one to make the step up to main event status”. Yeah, the guys been around for four years and involved in umpteen “featured angles” but he cuts one stupid f*cking promo and now he’s the second coming of Christ? Odd but I’ll go along with it. I like Kane but I hope they don’t kill his character by making him a goof. Look at how the Big Show turned out.

Good Ol also mentioned Randy Orton (along with Brock Lesnar). Orton is another one we should be “on the lookout for” says the man in the Black Reistol. I’m a Rico fan myself but JR is usually right on the money of this stuff.

And to wrap things up, JR gives us the latest on Big Bad Booty Poppa Pump – The Fed is still a little suspicious that Booty Pump may not be 100% due to that whole “dropped foot” syndrome. JR has been writing about this for the last several months and I think it’s about high time I found out MYSELF what the hell “dropped foot ” syndrome is. Doing a quick search of medical websites, this is what I discovered:

• Guillain-Barré (Ghee-yaw Bah-ray) Syndrome, also called acute inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy and Landry’s ascending paralysis, is a disorder of the peripheral nerves, those outside the brain and spinal cord. It is typically characterized by the rapid onset of muscle weakness and often, paralysis of the legs, arms and breathing muscles. The cause of Guillain-Barre’ syndrome is not known; and why the disorder only occurs in certain patients is still not known. Research to date indicates that the nerves of the GBS patient are attacked by the body’s own defense system against disease-antibodies and white blood cells. As a result of this autoimmune attack, the nerve insulation (myelin) and sometimes even the covered conducting part of the nerve (axon) is damaged.

• Sometimes motor axon damage is not severe and the cells can recover much of their function. Other axons may sustain more complete and irreversible damage. Even if this is the case, however, function can often be restored by “sprouting”. Motor axons have the ability to send out new branches that can innervate neighboring muscle fibers whose own axons have been destroyed. Nerve cells normally innervate between 200 and 500 individual muscle fibers. If a percentage of motor axons are destroyed, and sprouting takes place, the remaining axons may be innervating as much as four times the normal amount of muscle fiber. Some individuals may have gained a degree of recovery by building up the strength of their remaining musculature by exercise and intense use, similar to athletic training. These individuals, however, used this strength in their daily activity and thus the muscles have been performing continually at a level that is no longer tolerated.

Whew now I’m not a doctor but that doesn’t sound good. No wonder JR and the gang are hesitant to blow money on the guy. Can’t say that I blame them. Good luck to Big Booty. And hopefully they use different doctors from the ones who spent all that time studying Steve Blackman. It took them almost a YEAR to figure out the guy has bad headaches.

RADIO GA GA

Billy Gunn was the featured guest on Byte This and E.C just couldn’t WAIT to recap that for you! Why folks hate Billy so much I just can’t figure out. he’s not THAT bad.

Another slow period for interviews today but as usual I highly recommend checking out WWF. com as they continue to have the best content of your favorite wrestlers sharing their thoughts. And not all of it’s is kayfabed so don’t’ worry about losing your “smartness”. They have some cool stuff about the Dudleyz and APA not to mention HHH is back and telling you what’s up. Check it out.

I forget where I stole this from but the end result is off of the TV Review newswire:

TNN: The National Network got the losing end of World Wrestling Federation Entertainment Inc.’s plan to divide its talent into two groups — one for TNN’s Monday-Night WWF Raw, and a second for Smackdown, which United Paramount Network runs on Thursdays.

The problem for TNN is that the WWF’s biggest names — including The Rock, Hulk Hogan and Kurt Angle — will only appear on UPN.

WWF ratings have dropped significantly since its acquisition of World Championship Wrestling last year.

One potential upside: WWFE plans to run at least four pay-per-view events per year, in which the rival factions will square off.

Damn, that wasn’t very nice. Apparently they did not see KANE doing schtick. Don’t they know that he’s going to be on RAW?

ROLL THE DICE

Wondering who is the latest entry into the world of professional wrestling? Well, wonder no longer!! It’s that bodyguard guy from the Springer show “Steve” who wrestled along side fellow gimmickly challenged but equally cult-like statused Duane Gill, or “Gillberg” if you will. It all occurred on a recent Maryland Championship wrestling show, with Steve and Gillberg defeating the nefarious duo of “Lunchbox” and “Chad”. So if you are a fan of the Springer show, your MAN is in action! Of course if you like the Springer show you should probably .nevermind. Wouldn’t want to upset anyone, especially on this Easter weekend. Hallelujah!

IN OTHER WORDS

Now available on 411

As far as plugs this week? I can’t get on the site at the moment. I do remember EC report being up as well as Nason’s Indy Spotlight. I’m pretty sure that Birdwell did Tough Enough so go surf around the site when you feel like it.

PAGE SIX

Not sure if you caught it or not, but Linda McMahon was on the O’Reilly Factor the other night in what turned out to be a big bunch of horseshit. I catch Linda occasionally on the business channels and she always comes across well. Hey, she has a good business mind and when discussing financials she emotes a little more then during her m o n..o .t o..n e deliveries in the world of Sports Entertainment. So when I heard about her appearance I figured it would be along the same lines. Of course, this is Bill O’Reilly we are talking about here.

For every good thing he does (like calling a spade a spade with the whole Hollywood “charity” thing) he goes and proves himself to be just the latest version in a long line of holier then thou talking heads. Of all things they could have discussed, the show ended up being “how the media f*cks up the youth of America”. And I’ll be damned of O’Reilly didn’t go back to the archives and bring up LUTHER CAMPBELL, of oh f*ck this Luke Fucking Skywalker was 13 f*cking years ago. The older I got the less I thought we would have to deal with this type of stuff as the “hippie generation” who grew up protesting and “dropping out” of what their parents and all the rest of the squares thought worked their way into power and into the heirarchy of the media. Why are they still trying to blame all the wrong in the world on music, TV and movies?

Linda did okay despite Bill just stopping short of blaming the crucifixion and Holocaust on Vince and Company. Whatever. Just remember it’s the “scum” and “scourge” that end up being icons –

Elvis

John, Paul, George and Ringo

Rolling Stones

Lenny Bruce

Larry Flynt

I could keep going and going and going. Point is no matter what happens this will always be an issue for people to harp and bitch about. Blame Blame Blame. And it looks like it’s “Game On” for these useless non smoking creeps and their precious little non-smoking ban on the ballot for the upcoming elections. Sometimes things just never change.

A beachside cabana in a capitalist Cuba is looking more and more appealing. Of course I would have to have access to RAW and Smackdown, we all have our little addictions, don’t we?

This has been Saturday Evening Post and I’m Flea.=