A Wrestling News Report 4.05.02

Sorry I’m so late. Midterms and stuff.

Yeah, so 411 is hiring. YOU CAN’T TAKE MY SPOT, VERMIN! And for all of you new guys who might be shocked when you look up, don’t worry about it. That’s my bare ass pressed against the 411glass ceiling! HAHAHAHA! Yep, me, Flea and Eric are up there, dancing as Scott Keith sings his little heart out, inventing new wrestling lyrics to the tune of Brittany Spears’ I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman. If you want to get those lyrics, e-mail him. Oh, and Scott, there are better things to bitch about then the obvious saw marks in a board when Molly hits Trish. The fact that you’re able to recognize how fake it all is does not make you cool or observant. It makes you look like a jerk who wants to see women get legitimately hurt. You’re not that jerk, are you Scott? I believe in you.

Oh, I’d give this gig up and probably finally be able to write another decent A Wrestling Tale, but I’d only give it up to the originator, the big H! That’s right, Honky Tonk Man! The spot is yours if you want it.

What’s that you say? News?

News!!!!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Chris Benoit will make his return to the ring April 6th in the HWA, where Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash will make sure he remains for the next 10 years.

They’re now thinking that Hogan will face Triple H at Backlash instead of the Undertaker. Does anyone else smell mega-special three way main event?

Excess is going to get really, really complicated. I think that’s nice.

The WWF recently hired a couple of guys I’ve never heard of. They new guys look forward to being tied up nude to a ring post and having darts thrown at them by Bradshaw.

Kevin Nash said in a statement on his website that he would be back unless one of us smart marks put a stake through his heart. Look for SK the Vampire Slayer coming to UPN soon.

The PPV’s are expected to have both Raw and Smackdown matches, but it will be very rare for two people from separate companies to fight each other. When told this, Steve Austin threw a hissy fit and staged a three week walk out. More on this story as it develops.

14 people in Kurt Angle’s family have angina. Man,14 females in his family? He must have jerked off thinking about a different family member every night!

The WWF Forcible Entry CD debuted at #3 this week, and The Scorpion King Soundtrack debuted at #8. Seeing Vince McMahon with so much success in the music industry, Vince Russo plans on releasing an album he made on a sakio in his basement about his love of Urkel.

Junk News! Huzzah!

THINGS TO WATCH FOR ON SMACKDOWN!

Vince will announce who will fight HHH at Backlash. Showing this is Vince’s show, we start with an interview. In what might be the gayest tag team title match ever, Albert and Scotty fight Billy and Chuck. Christ fights Diamond Dallas Page. Edge decides to prove me right about how he should be the one to revolutionize wrestling by ripping off an old Wayne’s World joke. HHH and his Backlash opponent talk. Edge fights Kurt Angle. JAP STEREOTYPE faces Billy Kidman. I’ve decided to call Tajiri that until he becomes a bad guy again. If the heel turn happens, that will show that the WWF listens to me and not to Eric S. There is then a lot of talking, including something that has to do with placing bets on Mark Henry. Maybe how many hamsters he can fit up his ass? Maven faces Hardcore Holly. Jericho and the Rock party.

PLUGS FOR THUGS

Have you gotten your fill of fantasy booking this week? If not, Nason does Smackdown and Morse does Raw. Oh, and even more confusing if you just started reading them is that they don’t have the same characters involved as on the shows! Still, it really makes you think about how much better the shows would be if Morse and Nash were in charge of them.

Art is back with the Lyrical Stunt. If you’re reading this at a public place, watch out for the crowd of women that is going to come screaming and running towards your computer.

Rob Turner liked the Hogan-Rock match. I’m glad that someone liked it, given how it has been universally hated by smarts and marks alike. Rob Turner will be bringing his original opinions to 411 from here on out, so you gotta learn to accept that he is allowed to have an opinion, too.

Oh, and it’s called The State of Wrestling. I don’t think any members of the State became a wrestler. “What chu gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” “I’m gonna dip my balls in it!” “Hey, Louie is much better then Hulk Hogan! Louie! Louie!”

Go read the Sunday Night Heat report. Just do it. I can’t explain why. I’ll start crying.

Well, that’s it. Let’s see if Widro screams at me for missing two days.

ME AND WIDRO

I bet he’ll be happy to hear from me. He was probably worried about me.

Widro: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Widro: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

VPJG: I’m sorry.

Widro: massive heel heat!

Widro: and while we’re hiring

VPJG: I tried to finish it yesterday, but I’d been up for 38 hours.

Widro: you’ve been whining for 38 hours?

Widro: pissin and moanin?

VPJG: No, studying and writing.

VPJG: I don’t like being booed.

Widro: studying for what? how to disappoint your millions of 411 fans?

VPJG: Yes, exactly. You know, considering this is volunteer work, you should show more patience.

Widro: i have over 300 people DYING to come and work for 411

Widro: including dog ape and man

VPJG: What you’re going to do the news as your character? That’s real funny, Widro.

VPJG: It was cute, but it’s done.

Widro: what’s NOT funny is the heat you’re getting from the boys

VPJG: Who are the boys?

Widro: they think you’re getting special priviledges

Widro: you come to the building late

Widro: you refuse to work with some people on the site

Widro: you forced carlos out of 411!

VPJG: Look, I’m just working the gimmick! And I told you I don’t work with Spanish people.

Widro: he came to me crying

Widro: i couldnt console him

Widro: nothing could

VPJG: Enough about Carlos. He’s the past! Forget the past!

Widro: he was your friend josh!

Widro: your friend

VPJG: Was.

Widro: your special friend south of the border

VPJG: I have new friends now.

Widro: and you threw that all away

Widro: for what?

Widro: a few bucks?

Widro: a chance at the sweet life?

VPJG: YES! Yes. It’s all true.

Widro: well it makes me sick

Widro: sick to my stomach

VPJG: And what’s worse, I’m proud of it.

Widro: you say you don’t like the boos?

Widro: you say you love the fans?

Widro: you are a lying pig

VPJG: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE HYATTE MY MENTOR!

VPJG: You’re the one who let him change me.

Widro: i did nothing but give you a shot

Widro: these fans loved you

VPJG: They loved me. They called me a breath of fresh air at first.

VPJG: Then, they got sick of me.

Widro: we’re all sick of you

Widro: we’re all sick and tired of your crap

Widro: junk news huzzah?

VPJG: I didn’t change! The fans changed! You changed! And junk news huzzah is still gold!

VPJG: This is everyone’s fault but mine!

VPJG: I have become the worst of all 411 writers.

Widro: you are a disgrace

VPJG: But I’m trying, Widro, I’m trying so hard to be the shepard.

Widro: you are trying hard by skipping reports

Widro: you are trying hard by mailing it in?

VPJG: I missed two. Two reports. How many did Hyatte miss? A million? A qatrillion?

Widro: comparing yourself to hyatte?

VPJG: I’M BETTER THEN HYATTE!

VPJG: I’M BETTER THEN FLEA, I’M BETTER THEN ERIC S!

VPJG: And we both know I’m better then you.

Widro: you aren’t even better than scott keith

Widro: this isn’t over son… this is only just begun

VPJG: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Widro: let me tell you this

Widro: you are starting something you cant finish

Widro: you will be sorry

VPJG: I’ll be sorry?

VPJG: You’ll be sorry. You and Ashish and the other one!

VPJG: Toy boy, what’s his name?

Widro: a wrestling news report by DANIEL BENOWITZ

VPJG: Really? I wonder how his column has been doing since the lists went dead.

Widro: not as well actually

VPJG: I’M SHOCKED! You need me, Widro.

Widro: i need you when you’re on your game

VPJG: My game?

Widro: i dont need this half assed crap

VPJG: I need time. I have no time anymore.

Widro: your time is up

VPJG: My time is up? I’M A 411 AWARD WINNING WRITER, DAMNIT!

Widro: take it up on the forum pal

Widro: you’re on thin ice

Widro: and i’m putting you on notice

Widro: the buck stops with me

Widro: punk

VPJG: It used to.

Well, it’s always nice to talk to the boss when he’s in one of his moods. I’ll see you guys next week.