A Wrestling News Report 4.11.02

God, I have two things I want to start off with, and both warrant the opening of the column. Instead, I typed this line.

Carlos was the nicest person to me on the site, a person who never had a harsh word for me. I have something for him at the bottom. The person I had the most fun working with was Flea. I am going to miss Flea’s writing a great deal, and hopefully if he has something to say, he’ll pop up in my column every now and then. This isn’t confirmed fact, it’s more an offer on the table. Flea is a class act, and we youngins should be so lucky to be the kind of man that he is when we reach I don’t even know how old he is. I’ll guess 80. Seriously though, I’ll miss that Chris Jericho hating alcoholic, and I’m happy knowing that he now has more time to spend finding ways to beat his daughter. That was so inside! Have a good one, man.

Well, the Smarks are soon to be part of 411 in their own area. Despite my dad not liking the fact that I enjoyed Keith’s Mirror Universe Raw, I’m glad that he and his pack of stallions are part of the team. To steal from daddy, Widro is now one website away from owning the biggest wrestling website that doesn’t make money or pay its writers. Maybe two. Widro, it’s time to go after Rajah and Mr. Tito! Flea’s spot is open! Let’s make it PHAT!

Yes, that is all I have to say about having anything with the word smark on our site. I am very happy it has happened. I will leave all other comments for someone you’re about to see a very different side of. A side that I think if he had explored, he could have been the Mexican Hyatte. But you can wait for the bottom for that.

Until then, I have a Hart to break.

NEWS!!!

TELL HIM THAT VINCE SCREWED ME.

Do you have April 22nd cleared on your calendar? On that Monday night at 10 PM, we will see Owen Hart’s return! He’s apparently being worked into a program with HHH, in which Owen will job unmercifully!

Wait, I’m sorry. Owen will actually be going up against Raw, kind of a revenge from the grave, I guess. ABC will a air a special entitled, “Contact: Talking to the Dead.” Bret Hart will be on the show to contact Owen and Helen, and Brian Pillman if there is time. Well, the show has already been shot, and there was not time for Brian Pillman. However, both Owen and Helen got through, due to the power of psychic George Anderson. George Anderson is, coincidentally, the father of 411’s own Ken Anderson. Anyway, through my ‘sources’ in the psychic community, I was able to gain a partial transcript of the Bret Hart segment. Very revealing stuff right here. Check it out.

Bret: Are you getting anything?

George: Hold on. I’m trying to YAHTZEE!

Bret: Yahtzee?

George: I say that whenever I contact a spirit. Okay, I’ve got an O, and Olen, ummm

Bret: Owen! My brother, Owen!

George: YAHTZEE! I got Owen on the soul, go ahead Owen. Owen, you’re going to have to turn down your television.

Bret: This is live?

George: No, but he’s in Heaven, he can do whatever he wants. Yes, okay Owen. Bret has some questions for you.

Bret: Great! First of all

George: Owen wants to make sure you’re not going to complain about Montreal. He said to get off it.

Bret: Wha? Okay. Owen, are you with mom?

George: Did you hear that, Owen? Yes. Yes, he is with Big Bad Momma, from GLOW.

Bret: No, Helen.

George: No, no, Owen is too busy making love with millions of beautiful women and Big Bad Momma to visit Helen.

Bret: Really? He’s doing that?

George: He has a dick, doesn’t he?

Bret: Okay. Owen, what happened that night in Kansas?

George: Okay, Owen, did you get that? Oh my. He said he was murdered.

Bret: I KNEW IT! IT WAS VINCE, WASN’T IT? IT WAS VINCE!

George: No, he’s saying it was Rikishi. Rikishi did it to help the Rock. Now he’s laughing.

Bret: That is not funny!

George: Owen seems to think it’s funny as hell. He’s telling me it was an accident, he doesn’t remember all of the details.

Bret: You’re embarrassing me on national television, Owen!

George: Oh, and this is all about you, isn’t it? It’s always about Bret! By the way, thanks for exploiting my death! Sure, the WWF does a tribute show during which I was genuinely touched at points and they’re evil, but you can do this and it’s okay.

Bret: This isn’t about exploiting you! I was trying to talk to you!

Owen: And it would have been impossible for you to do it, let’s say, NOT on national television?

Bret: Can we not do this now?

George: Sure, why don’t we do it when you get home? I’ll come over and possess your wife and we’ll talk. Oh! I’m sorry. She didn’t like the fact that you were boning Sunny and left.

Bret: Shut up!

George: No! You shut up!

Bret: You shut up! I want to talk with mom.

George: And when you do, you’d damn better apologize! You tore the whole family apart because of professional wrestling! Because of Vince McMahon. Then you went ahead and blamed him for causing all of your problems! You were the one who alienated Davey when he just wanted to work, and WCW fired him like he was nothing. I watched from up here as mom and dad and our brothers on RAW one night, and they looked happy. I was so happy watching that, but also a little sad since I didn’t see you. I was a wrestler, and I liked to have fun in the ring, but the most important thing in my Earth life was my family. You’ve lost your love of wrestling, but more importantly, you’ve lost your love for our family. You should be ashamed of Owen? Owen? I’ve lost him.

Bret: Oh. But oh.

George: Now I’m getting an H Heathen, Heather YAHTZEE! We’ve got Helen Hart on the soul. Any questions, Bret?

Bret: Hi mom.

George: What?

Bret: Hi mom!

George: WHAT? SPEAK UP!

I’m sorry, that’s where the transcript ends. Jeez, Owen, think you were harsh enough? What’s that? NO! I DIDN’T KILL YOU! IT WAS JUST A COLUMN! A FICTIONAL STORY! Damn you, spirit! Haunt me no longer!

By the way, I wrote this Tuesday night when I first read the news. I didn’t rip off Brower or anything, so leave me alone.

Let’s do some junk news, shall we?

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Madame Tussane’s (sp?) has made a wax figure of the Rock. This is a Joshua Grut exclusive, by the way. I saw it on the news. Anyway, on to the stupid joke about it. Until the figure turns heel, Eric S. promises to refer to it as ‘Wax’.

Bob Costas actually had really nice things to say about the WWF on Conan. Unfortunately, the interview took a turn for the worse when Conan misinterpreted a comment Costas made and challenged him to a fight.

Everyone is mad at Test backstage for not protecting Spike Dudley during a spot. Some wrestlers are even said to be after him. It makes sense, because in high school most people who become professional wrestlers were mad after a test. That’s right, they’re all idiots! Except Mick Foley and Kane.

The WWF might change the Excess format again, changing it into an old timey Vaudeville show.

Funaki pinned Lance Storm on the Jakked tapings. I just don’t get it! Lance is a huge talent, he does the job to Funaki, and yet the WWF is going to fire him in one week. This sucks! Lance, we here at 411 have your back.

Kid Rock is going to write a new Hulk Hogan theme song.

He’s back!

The red and yellow, it makes me mellow!

He’s one fine fellow!

Rocking out to Kid Rock and the man

The man with the plan

He’s a real American!

I’m what you’d call a Hulkamaniac

Hogan fights villains such as Brainiac!

He might make you laugh, he might make you frown!

You’ll know the deal when it comes crashing down!

(The music gets quieter. Kid Rock speaks over it.)

And it hurts inside. You gotta be a man. You can’t run and hide from Hogan. Hogan. HOGAN! ANNNNNNND

(The music gets loud again.)

KID ROCCCCCCCCK!

KID ROCCCCCCCCK!

KID ROCCCCCCCCK!

NOW YOU KNOW THE SCORE, BITCH!

Junk News! BITCH!

THE PLUGS

I wonder with this huge influx of columns if I should plug them all or only the ones I read and like? Nah, who am I kidding, I don’t read any of them. Just kidding, guys, I read all of them! You’re all great!

David Murphy is finally here, and he loves the Dynamite Kid! Praise of Dynamite for his first column? He’ll fit right in here on the Internet. Go read In Praise Of. It’ll make you happy.

Jay Brower and the Smarks are here. Read it if you’re sick of me.

Rob Turner is addressing The State of Wrestling again. It seems that everyone on the Internet hates Hulk Hogan’s return. Rob, is everyone Scott Keith? Cause he’s the only one I read who panned the Hogan-Rock match. Then again, I don’t get around much.

Go read the fantasy stuff. Raw and Smackdown. I plug them here because they’re about to hurt them very badly. One thing I never knocked about Morse was the quality of the Mean, and I still believe in it. I love you guys! So does .

GOODBYE, SWEET MEXICAN.

ME AND CARLOS.

Carlos says a heartfelt, tearful goodbye WITH A VENGANCE!

VPJG: You were the start of all of this leaving, you know.

camahuad: It’s a slippery slope, isn’t it’

VPJG: It sure is.

camahuad: At least you and morse are hanging tough

VPJG: Yeah, him with that fantasy stuff.

camahuad: Oh lord, dont get me started with the fantasy booking

VPJG: get started.

camahuad: What the f*ck is up with fantasy booking on the front page of a wrestling site? Might as well start showcasing the e-fed. WHo reads that stuff? I mean, a fake column about a fake show with a fake sport? Might as well have Superman come in and powerbomb Austin the have Plastic Man rape Pat Patterson out his mouth. There is nothing I hate more than fantasy booking.

VPJG: Fantasy booking is stupid and insipid. The fantasy draft was funny, but I’d much rather read a mean or whatever the other guy writes.

camahuad: We should have a fantasy writing column in which we make people write content that actually has something to do with the sport.

camahuad: look at what is on the columns thing right now

camahuad: It’s the first ever show for Nason’s Smackdown, complete with dark matches, Metal/Jakked and that guy called The Rock!

camahuad: fantasy

camahuad: He’s appeared on WWF TV, wrestled the best in the indy business and now Low Ki is in the Spotlight!- nobody knows this guy, too bad.

camahuad: The Steve Austin strike may be over, but was it really an ego trip, a defensible protest, or just a complete waste of time? What’s next?- Smark

VPJG: How about a fantasy raw in which we completely turn it around and have wrestlers each have a dog, and we have the dog’s fight each other!

camahuad: It is time the athletes who call themselves professional wrestlers formed a union…- heh, a union, might as well be fantasy

VPJG: It’s going downhill. You were the brilliant one.

camahuad: This week: Some in-ring returns, some other familiar faces, some returns explained, and lots of in-ring action- more fantasy

camahuad: where the f*ck is the 411?

camahuad: Dude a fantasy raw that is completely ridiculious just to see how many people realize we are making fun of fantasy booking woukd be hilariousl.

VPJG: It would be.

camahuad: Yours is the only column I read on the site anymore

VPJG: And I’ve lost it!

camahuad: the inspiration?

VPJG: It seems that way.

camahuad: dang yo. at least your news is stilll good.

VPJG: It’s okay.

camahuad: You know, 411 has gone from being a wrestling magazine to a wrestling yellow pages. There is waaay too much content. You remember when A Wrestling Tale would stay up for 5 days and everyone would talk about it until another good, solid column took it’s place?

VPJG: those were good times.

camahuad: I gotta stop bashing the site so soon after quitting. Its uncouth

VPJG: It’s fine. That’s why people quit.

camahuad: check it out, you’ll find this amusing

camahuad: As many of you are aware or not, things around here has basically gone bad to worse concerning the Smarkboard. Now even though some may believe that this is the end, we aren’t about to just pack it up and quit just yet.

This Message is too those of us who are Legitly serious about being Wrestling smarks. People who don’t just rattle off catch phrases and claim people suck.

Im talking about real wrestling fans who research info and enjoy getting together to have Intelligent debates and conversations on wrestling.

We have the Opportunity too sustain a board and to continue where we have left off here. the cost of this is 100 Dollars a month. now that may sound like a lot for one person. But thats just it, Its not gonna be one person. If we can get at least 10 people to chip in, then its 10$ a person, (to break that down, that is two Mcdonalds meals on your lunchbreak at work.) Or if we get 20 people to pitch in thats 5$ a head.

camahuad: A Paypal Account is being setup and will be online by 1 Pm EST, so payments would go to that.

Its up to all of us. I came here a few weeks back, basically being stuck going to wrestling channels online hearing Rocky crap over and over and getting bored out of my mind. So I came here and to the #thesmarks channel on irc. And this is home to me.

We are the people who thumb our noses at storylines, So Called Main eventers, and People who want to be at the top, even though they can’t seem to pull 5 wrestling moves out of their hats at a given wrestling match. If you Like this place as I do, You wouldn’t consider 10 bucks of even 5 bucks a heavy price to pay to Keep the place you love going on.

if your interested reply to this post and Management will help you…help us

VPJG: HAHAHAHA!

camahuad: Hey Grut, are YOU serious about being a smark?

VPJG: I’m as serious as you can get.

Goodbye, Carlos. I’m Joshua Grutman, and Carlos rules South of the Border!