True literature only exists when it is created by madmen, hermits, heretics, dreamers, rebels, and skeptics, and not by reliable clerks just doing their jobs. – Yevgeny Zamyatin
Just some advice to our newbie staff members, and for that matter to any of the no-talents that permeate wrestling websites everywhere, or even the WWF bookers. Dare to be original, people.
Well, the final two problems have been fully fixed with my new residence. Ameritech came and activated the phone (and thank you to Tony Schmit, Ameritech employee and fan, for the help offer JIC this didn’t work), and they replaced the nearly-broken refrigerator. So I’m a bit of a happy camper, especially coming off of a decent episode of Raw (main event clusterf*ck nonwithstanding). Of course, a posting system who shall remain nameless blew another opening quote of mine in yesterday’s column, which totally destroyed the introductory reference (in case you’re curious: Dictators always begin by simplifying. – Erich Maria Remarque), so all is not sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, as I said to a certain dead man walking here. Let’s hope that putting a paragraph tag prior to the quote helps the situation in the future. So let’s see what’s going on in the world…
Looks like MGM/UA and New Line have come to a settlement regarding the next Austin Powers film’s title. Goldmember will be the title, while trailers for the upcoming Bond film will be placed at New Line’s expense at the beginning of the film. Apparently, to some people, comedy is a serious business, especially when both films in question are nine-figure grossers. I have to give credit to Mike Myers for this, though: he tries to be funny in his films. God knows we’re going to get a lot of laughs out of The Scorpion King, but they’re trying to be serious.
OH, BEHAVE, PART TWO…
The Task Force On College Drinking has reported that drinking by college students contributes to 1400 deaths, 70000 cases of sexual assault, 400000 cases of unprotected sex, and a half million injuries per year. That’s only the figures from Spring Break Week at Panama City and South Padre.
For much-better-researched studies in useful information, head over to Letawsky. God help us all if he gets on Jeopardy! and one of the subjects is wrestling.
OH, BEHAVE, PART THREE…
Jim Brown’s at it again. Everyone’s favorite running back/actor/curmudgeon went out and blasted Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods, among others, for not being positive black role models and contributing to the African-American community. At this moment, Mister Brown is currently serving the African-American community from the Ventura County Jail in California, where he’s doing six months for vandalism.
I’ll give Jim Brown this: he does cash the checks his mouth writes for him. However, if you think that striking it rich gives you some sort of obligation to give back to the community that spawned you, minority or not, think again. We work our asses off with any talent given to us by whatever supreme being you believe in to get the hell OUT of there once and for all. Let’s just say, for instance, that I hit the lottery. I’m not going to take my winnings and, say, head down Milwaukee Avenue in Chicago helping out all of the illegal Polish immigrants who live twenty to a house in Logan Square (to be fair, I’m South Side Polish, not North Side, but you get the point). No, what I’m going to do is what I’m doing now: living well in the suburbs. If Michael and Tiger don’t feel like giving back to the community, good for them. They’ve made it to the point where, frankly, they transcend whatever race they might be. Their first obligation is to themselves and their families, as should all of ours. So lay off.
OH, BEHAVE, PART FOUR
(activate smug mode) Gee, another 4.8 for Raw this week. So did the NCAA have another final for their basketball tournament on Monday? What’s the rationale this week, all you e-mailers? Is it so hard to say those four little words “You were right, Eric”? And what’s with the “the number’s a good one” bullshit, Ashish? The lame excuses came flying from every direction last week with that same rating, so how can this week’s be good? Parroting 1bullshit’s line? You’re better than that, son. We both know it. Expect a drop to 4.0 again by Judgement Day, especially if they make the main event there Trip/UT. (end smug mode)
OH, BEHAVE, PART FIVE
So Bret’s going to indulge in a little divination and necromancy as he attempts to talk to Helen and Owen on an ABC special later this month. Okay, folks, can we all admit now that he’s officially lost it? Of course, the loss of his brother and mother may have triggered an interest in mysticism, which is a fascinating subject, so I shouldn’t really make judgements about that. However, John Dilworth really ruined seances for me with one of the better episodes of Courage, the Cowardly Dog, and Bret’s giving off a major Eustace vibe right now. Stupid wrestler!
OH, BEHAVE, PART SIX
Considering my recent history with websites, some people have been wondering how I feel about The Smarks being a “part” of 411. Well, it’s still its own site, so I don’t think it’s a merger per se. However, I do find it deliciously karmic, I have to admit. When TSm was about to go down permanently last year, Widro offered me a slot at 411 should that happen. It didn’t, so I stayed there. When TSm fired me last October, Widro had an offer in to me within hours to come here, and I accepted. Now TSm’s become part of us. So, no matter what, I was destined to be here. In other words, live with it, message board fodder, because there’s a Higher Power at work in all of this.
OH, BEHAVE, PART SEVEN
According to a report from Duke University Medical Center (published in JAMA), St. John’s Wort is not effective in treating major cases of depression. Well, duh, I could have told them that. I am both a sufferer of what would be classified as chronic major depression and a user of St. John’s Wort. It doesn’t completely take care of the depression, but it does take the edge off, enough so that I can function without the good shit like Paxil (and I found that if I take it along with Paxil, I can still function, if you understand my meaning; I’m part of the 25% or so that suffer from what’s euphemistically called “erectile dysfunction” while on Paxil alone). However, I’m a little worried about any study where a placebo outperforms what’s being tested. Shit, give me whatever was in the placebo if it’s that effective.
OH, BEHAVE, PART…WELL, NO, NOT REALLY…
I want to apologize to Anthony Verheyen, whose mail to me last month got shifted into the wrong mailbox, and I proceeded to find it today, which certainly fits into the whole unpacking theme I’m going through right now. “Zeroes” is from Bowie’s album Never Let Me Down (1987). It’s the only good song on the album that killed his mid-80s run, and almost definitely his last great song. I haven’t bought a Bowie recording since due to sheer disappointment with Never Let Me Down (the whole Tin Machine thing didn’t help either). If EMI had just released “Zeroes” instead of “Day In, Day Out” as the single…ah, but history says different, so I demur. I’ll agree with your chronological assessment viz. Bowie, but I’ll go Hunky Dory to Low, as he got a little arty-farty with Heroes and Lodger (I blame f*cking Eno) and went totally twee with Scary Monsters (although I will not deny the greatness of “Ashes To Ashes”).
AH, HELL, ON TO THE TAPINGS…
Results courtesy of Rajah, natch.
Sho Funaki over Lance Storm…hold it, Sho Funaki over Lance Storm?! (Pinfall, sunset flip into a single-leg rollup): You know what? For the first time, I have a desire to watch Metal (which I seem to recall showing up on my digital cable guide rather than Jakked). I just have to find out when it’s on over here.
Hugh Morrus over Christian (Pinfall, No Laughing Matter): Another temper tantrum, another upset loss. Ho hum. It’s really sad to think that the best push Bill DeMott ever got was when he decided to accept a renaming to “Captain Rection”. Hated that fact at the time, hate it more now.
Billy Kidman over Chavo Guerrero, Cruiserweight Title Match (Pinfall, swinging neckbreaker): People are wondering why I’m “boycotting” SD. It’s because all the guys I like are on Metal. Why watch SD when I can just sit down for an hour and enjoy these matches?
Diamond Dallas Page versus Bob Holly (DCOR): You gotta like any show where this is considered a main event. Definitely gives off a WCW Pro vibe.
Kurt Angle gets the opening promo spot, and his Canadian counterpart Edge does the obligatory interruption. With the lack of Austin on SD, the creative team has decided to try to wipe out “What?” (okay, admittedly a factor in its favor) by having Edge insist that the crowd chant “You Suck” during the breaks in Angle’s promos from now on. However, Angle does name-drop Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik, which alone should make the promo worth watching. Backstage, Angle and Jericho form an alliance of upper-mid-carders shafted by management in favor of the usual suspects.
Yoshihiro Tajiri over Hurricane Helms (Pinfall, Yakuza kick): Memo to Mike E. at Rajah: the word you’re looking for is “kimono”, which is what Torrie’s wearing as a sop to Tajiri’s mother, who can’t believe that her little boy is going around with some gaijin shiksa. And isn’t it time for Helms to give up the superhero act? Hey, it worked for Molly, who’s now being taken seriously for the first time since she was Mona. Kidman does the run-in, and apparently it’ll be Kidman versus Tajiri for the CW at Backlash (not official yet, but can definitely be assumed).
The Godfather over Val Venis (Pinfall, cane across throat): Both go pretty brutal on each other, with not only GF’s cane but also the ring bell coming into play. Remember when this matchup was a sure-fire Intercontinental Title match?
Al Snow defends the honor of Maven’s eyebrows, while Jericho gives Hogan a warning of how unscrupulous Trip can be.
Chris Jericho over Edge (Pinfall, Angle-ference): And the humiliation of Jericho continues. How this time? They attempted to sell the chant of “Has-Been” for Some Other Guy (Flea left it to me in his will, folks), had him win yet another match in which interference is required, and made him into Hogan’s bitch courtesy of some indiscreet comments Jericho made about the Goblin a little earlier in a PAISLEY~! interview segment.
Albert over Scott Taylor (Pinfall, BaldoBomb): Is this now officially blown off? Well, no, because Taylor’s gone back to his old partner for assistance, and we all know that SD really needs more Rikishi to succeed.
Backstage, Mark Henry wins a feat of strength which could have turned into a vehicular manslaughter charge on Test (just watch it to understand), while Hogan gives Trip a heads-up about the Jericho-Angle alliance.
Al Snow over Chuck Palumbo, Fallout From Maven’s Eyebrows Match (Pinfall, Snowplow): Maven is able to hold back both Gunn and Constantino somehow, as Snow gets his obligatory “one win while Tough Enough is running” victory.
Warning: Obligatory Vince Segment. This one involves him blowing off My Beautiful and Beloved, saying that she’s not his type (uh, I do know someone for whom she is his type, and I’ll pay for the plane ticket). This leads to other “personal assistant” interviews until My Beautiful and Beloved gets down to brass tacks, does her table dance for Vince, then shows him a bit of chooch. After he recovers, she’s hired. Apparently, there are things to be said for sexual harassment.
Trip over Kurt Angle, Main Event Clusterf*ck (Pinfall, Pedigree): Angle’s preference in underwear is shown (navy blue thong). Jericho and Hogan show up, which eventually leads to wacky face miscommunication, Hogan getting the better of Trip. All in all, it’s the same ending as Raw had with different upper-carders.
Before I cut out, a “get well” has to go out to Lou Thesz, who had a triple bypass and aortic valve replacement surgery yesterday. He’s said to be doing quite well. That’s all for me for this week. Keep tuned to this channel for Grut and then whoever’s replacing Flea after that. Until next Tuesday…oh, just behave.