A Wrestling News Report 4.12.02

Hey guys. No news today. None. Zero. Zip. So let’s do some plugs and then turn it over to a special guest.

The class of the new class, Raywat Deonandan has written the best column I’ve read in awhile that wasn’t a mop-up or an absurd look at Raw. No Gimmick Needed is going to be great.

Keith has Smackdown. Tough Enough 2 was recapped by someone.

The Joker’s Spot deal with Jericho’s search for worth after losing his title. Fantasy Smackdown is up. You know, in my Fantasy Smackdown, Joshua Grutman defeated HHH and Lance Storm for the rights to have sex with this girl I have a crush on right now. Joshua Grutman then celebrated by having sex with that girl while floating on a cloud made of marshmallow while Cameron Diaz made love to Jessica Stein.

Want to know what Chris Harvard has to say? The guy from Tough Enough. No, that was Josh. No, not me, Josh from Tough Enough. Yeah, the little guy. No, that’s not Chris! Chris has red hair! Go read his interview by Nate “I’M NOT JEWISH” Stein.

That’s it. Enjoy whomever Widro found to replace Flea. No news today. I’d do drunken Smackdown, but do we need 3 Smackdown reports? Anyway, I got a call today from an old friend. He has something to say to you.

I AM DOG! I AM APE! I AM MAN! I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

And I’m the hottest thing going right now. Hey, chums. Sorry I’ve been gone for so long. It was really incredible the amount of positive press this whole 411 shin dig has brought to me and my people. Gotta thank Grut for that, or Grutman, or whatever the hell he’s calling himself.

Anyway, I’ve been in Hollywood for the past month hammering out a deal with Stevie S. It turns out that being over a hundred years old and having been experimented on by a collection of Godless scientists and rising above years of mockery and seclusion and torture to become a wrestling correspondent for a somewhat major wrestling website is a good enough life to become the basis of a movie! Denzel Washington is in talks to play both me, which I’m cool with. I mean, I’d always envisioned George Clooney putting on the tail and hairy gorilla arms, but I can understand why they’d want to go with a black actor.

The whole experience has been like a roller coaster ride, with the dizzying highs and frightening lows. Last night, I was having a 4 way with Alyssa Milano, Happy from Seventh Heaven and Amy from Congo, and I was just so coked up and at one point I didn’t even know where I was. I mean, the studio dudes told me to just stay in the hotel and disregard the looks that the maid gave me and everything would be taken care of. Still, last night I was so messed up I just started screaming, “THIS ISN’T THE SEWER! I’M DOG, APE AND MAN! DOG, APE AND MAN!” So I burst out of the hotel room just screaming about how I’m Dog, Ape and Man over and over, and the next thing I remember is a bunch of transvestites poking me with a stick as I lay bleeding in a gutter. When they realized I wasn’t an actor, that it wasn’t make-up, they began to use the stick to beat me.

So I slipped down in to the sewer, found a puddle of water and looked at my reflection. As I saw my bloodshot eyes, bleeding little black nose covered in powder, and grotesque gorilla mouth that always freaks me out anyway, I realized how much I’d changed. No longer was I the hideous freak with a heart of gold who loved repeating his own name and who lived in the sewer with a T-1 connection to the Internet. I was now the hideous freak with a drug problem, beautiful women of all 3 parts of myself and no Internet hook up. I hated who I was, and swore to return to my roots. So, here I am.

I gotta say, It’s kind of disappointing. I TIRE OF THIS! I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

*you can see Dog, Ape, and Man at his book signing at the Palooka Mall in Missouri this Sunday at 10 am. Arrive early and bring your torch and pitchfork.