I’m sorry I missed last week. Just the end of the school year and all. Last year at this time, I took the entire month of April. Back in those days, I was just one of the little people. Now, I’m still one of the little people, but I’m a little person with seniority. Someday, I’ll Warrant my own monkey picture on the contact page. For now, I’ll be content with continuing to be Widro’s bitch.
In case you didn’t see it on the main page, I went back to my roots last week and did a Cheap Heat. Cheap Heat was the column I did when I started here. I stopped because I ran out of things to say. I think this one turned out pretty good… and dammit, if Flea could plug himself, so can I. Read It. It was good enough that Ashish told me I should do them more often. Basically, when I have a decent thought, I do one. As you can see if you look at the archives, decent thoughts have been coming further and further between. I’m man enough to admit when I’m out of stuff to say.
I also had to kind of giggle when Scott Keith told Paul E to “get over” how the WWF stole his ideas and created WWF Attitude. This from the guy who will tell anyone willing to listen that 95% of the people on the Internet ripped off his recap style. Pot, this is kettle… he’s black, too.
On another note, I’d like to welcome all the guys from the Smarks over to 411, and warn them that we will very soon begin holding them back. We here at 411 plan to bury the Smark Invasion Angle before it starts.
There were WAY too many new columns this week to welcome everyone personally. So, I’ll give a superset welcome to everyone. If you consider each individual welcome a set, the superset would be the welcome that includes………
Ugh, I’ve been at homework for a bit too long.
Show opened with a pissed off Undertaker. Justifiably, he wants an explanation from Ric Flair as to why Vince got to boot him out of the main event of Backlash. Interesting question, sir Flair… we still haven’t completely addressed who has control of the PPVs, even though I personally think Eric S’s idea of each “show” having one every other month. Turns out, they BOTH get access to booking the PPVs.
I’d also like to point out Undertaker had the line of the year so far two weeks ago with “Say What again if you like to sleep with your own sister,” to the Albany crowd. My hometown, of course, said “What?” without even thinking twice as the folks I went with and I practically fell over laughing.
Anyway, Austin took exception to ‘Take’s claim that he was the #1 Contender. So, Flair sanctioned an Undertaker/RVD and an Austin/Hall match for tonight. If the men in question could win, they’d be the number one contender. It took 3/4 of the show for Flair to inform us that, if they both won, there’d be a match at Backlash to determine the NEXT #1 contender after Hogan.
See, this is one of the major sticking points I have with this storyline so far. Why not just split the world titles and have both shows actually be completely different. As it stands now, there’s no reason for singles wrestling on Smackdown, and no need for tag wrestling on Raw. Elevate the Euro Title into meaning something and bring it over to Smackdown. I would have to assume that at the “joint” PPVs, some belt exchanging will go on, switching the feds the titles belong to.
Molly Holly is brunette now… and EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. Not as Evil as Kaientai, but evil just the same. She thinks Hurricane and that goody two-shoes gimmick of hers was holding her back… but now she’s EEEEEEVIL, so it’s all better now.
Kane continues to gain an off the wall personality, and decides being a freak is cool. He continues with the Kane-a-ites thing… which is about two weeks from being inexplicably dropped because it’s working well.
Or maybe they’ll just bury him by having the nWo murder him… with a steel chair… and then steal his match. Apparantly, now that being a freak is cool, the nWo’s going to get back at him by SURPRISING HIM WITH RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY. That could possibly gain them “demon” status as heels go. Bradshaw made the save on the vicious beatdown that ensued. I, for one, have no problem with Bradshaw being pushed. And, if I did, one of my friends would hunt me down and shoot me… or give me clotheslines from hell… either way, I’ll stick with “all good.” This all led to Ric Flair “indefinitely” suspending Kevin Nash without pay. Damn, the nWo is certianly turning into a force to be reckoned with.
Spike squashed William Regal to win the European title. He used knucks.
RVD and Taker had a match, and I don’t care what anyone else says, I think it was the best free TV match in quite a while.
Heyman came out with Brock and finally delivered the “opening interview” for him. Brock is a monster, and Paul E knows the “next big thing” when he sees it. If this guy gets a Goldberg-ish push, people will be saying “Hulk who” in about three months. The worst thing they could possibly do is something like they did with Jericho… which is come in all hot and stuff, and then get jobbed out. It’s starting well, considering he’s feuding with TWO guys in the Hardy Boys.
Austin and Hall then had their Contender match, and Austin proceeded to squash Hall for the second time. Austin then stunned Flair.
You know, Austin vs the Owner has been done already… just because it’s a new owner doesn’t make it much different.
Seems like they want to retrain people to say “You Suck” to Angle instead of “What?” since Austin isn’t on Smackdown. I say “serves them right.”
Tajiri continues to be a bastard to Torrie, so Kidman can come out to make the saves. Stupid? Maybe… but at least it’s better than a random, unexplained turn. It’s a, say it with me now, COHERENT STORYLINE!!
Edge and Jericho also had quite a good match. They seem to be giving a bit more time to ring work now, which is fine with me. I’ll take a good nine or ten minute match between any two guys (except Hogan/Nash) before the drivvel that was “Vince hires a personal assistant” any day of the week.
Speaking of which, Stacy is now Vince’s personal assistant, as he gets to live out more dirty old man fantasies on camera… starting with being in perfect Cunning-Linguist position on Smackdown. Whatever floats his boat, I guess. See Cheap Heat for some thoughts on this. Are two shameless plugs enough for one column? Maybe, maybe not.
D-Von has been transformed into a preacher. I guess I’ll reserve judgment until I see how it plays out past week one. Apparantly, in the course of a week, D-Von has found God and been ordained. In reality, someone on the writing team realized that D-Von’s catchphrase has always been “Testify,” and it went from there.
Mark Henry held back a limo using only his legs. Test was on the accelerator.
HHH and Hogan are feuding… sorta. HHH is being his more heelish self, and Hogan is being all 80’s like. Hogan offers to take H’s back, and H tells Hogan he doesn’t need it, because they’re feuding and all, and it’ll be no respect show like it was at ‘Mania. Yeah, because they aren’t afraid to turn Hunter Heel. You would think Hunter would have to be joining the nWo at Backlash, in retaliation for Hogan turning on them.
Speaking of Hogan, I implore each and every one of you to e-mail the WWF to their “WWFFans” email account and ask… nay, DEMAND they do not let Kid Rock cover Real American. If Legs turned out as shitty as it did, I do not want him to butcher Hulk damn Hogan’s song. In fact, you don’t even have to take the effort to type it… just click the link down here and hit send. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let them know how BAD of an idea it is. Click Here and Press Send.
The (Two) Week(s) In Wrestling
I thought, last week, that it would turn out bad taking last week of, simply because it was supposedly to be one of the bigger promised weeks in recent history. Turned out, even with going to Raw last week, it wasn’t all that different. We have Austin feuding with an Owner and/or Undertaker. We have all the singles titles packed on to one show, and only the tag team titles on the other. New guys were supposed to be pushed but, besides Mark Henry, really didn’t.
On Raw, people getting more mug time as singles wrestlers are: Bradshaw, Spike Dudley, Molly, Bubba Ray, and Brock. Of those, it’s arguable the fans only currently care about one of them. I guess that’s kind of the idea, though. Booker T is still pretty much a mid-card joke, Hall is still bitching-out to Austin, and Undertaker is still beating RVD.
Over on Smackdown, you have Albert, Mark Henry, Edge, Al Snow, Maven, and D-Von. Edge is supposedly on his way to being a big star. I don’t really see it, but I guess that’s just me. Who can honestly say they buy any of those “new” stars feuding with the upper tier? Exactly… not a damn one. This is one of the major problems WCW had toward the end… was that none of the old guys would let any of the new guys score any wins on them. What are they going to do when Benoit comes back? Anything? Or will he sit down on the mid-card with Jericho?
I said before and I’ll say again… they had a chance to do a sort-of pseudo-competition with these two shows. They could have had two shows, with two different sets of belts and the like… but they decided against it. Hell, the best thing they could have done for business would have been to rename the Monday show Nitro, because the current fans would have known, and they may have tricked some of the older fans, who left when Nitro did, into watching again. The fact they have no interest in doing any of this leads me to believe they don’t plan on this roster split lasting all that long.
Just think of how different it could have been with the rosters only crossing twice a year… say at Mania and SummerSlam. They could have had something there.
It seems like it’s going to be more of the same with this. Nothing has changed… the globe hasn’t been shaken. Everyone still seems in, pretty much, the same roles they were before the rosters got split.
With all the Fantasy Booking going on around the site, I’ve decided to drop that section of the column. If I have a really good idea, I’ll stick it up, but for now… I’m just going to see where it takes me.
Till Next Time…. READ CHEAP HEAT!!!.