A Wrestling News Report 4.18.02

I’m tired, but I wrote a lot. Let’s get to it!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Kane, expected to be the WWF’s next big star, is instead out for 4 months. RAW! IS! BRADSHAW!

HHH is upset at things the Rock has said about the way ‘some people’ in top spots got their power. HHH said he was angry with the Rock during an interview in which he said Chris Jericho wasn’t a top guy.

Mighty Molly’s current gimmick is said to be based on her life, except for the fact that she’s a snake handler and killed a hotdog vendor.

The NWO return has so far been the most disappointing thing of 2002 according to a 411 poll, surprisingly defeating by a huge margin the favored turmoil in the middle east.

There’s going to be a lot of Rock public appearances and what not, because God knows a big budget movie can’t sell itself.

HHH will appear with Carson tonight. It is their 12th appearance together since getting together and coming out.

There is talk of Scott Steiner replacing the Rock. That Brock Lesnar look alike.

Click and order from the 411store! Cause why not? (Help me. Widro is holding a gun to my head.) Nothing! I typed nothing.

According to a Judgement Day commercial, UT is going to win and will probably fight Hulk Hogan in the slowest match ever.

Raw did a 4.8, running in place again this week. The number is expected to drop due to the loss of the millions of Kananites for four months.

Let’s see what we can plug before the ridiculousness begins, shall we?

Junk news. Huzzah.

I PLUG, Therefore, I PLUG

Me! Read what I wrote! It’s all racey and stuff! No, not racy. You’ll see. It’s 411’s only 2001 award winning column.

In Praise Of is happy!

Ask 411, which sucks! That’s right, Letawsky, you suck! No, not really, but people say such positive stuff about the guy.

The World According to Ron!

Fantasy Raw!

Yeah!

Go to the video review section. We now have about a million of them.

Prepare for the stupidity as you get a second wrestling tale this week!

A Wrestling Tale: The StalKer

Not many people understand our relationship. In fact, no one really supports it. My parents think I’m crazy for accepting your proposal. They actually want to have me institutionalized. They’re only doing it because they love me, I guess. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what they think, it doesn’t matter what my friends think, it only matters what you think, Trish.

I guess I can see why they have a problem with it. I mean, you are a wrestler. We’ll never have a family, not a real one. You’ll be on the road so often I’ll rarely get to see you. But I love you, and that’s really all that matters, isn’t it? Well, that and you loving me. And you do love me, don’t you? Of course you do. I can see it in your eyes.

I love your cute voice, I love your cowboy hats, I love the fact that you have athletic talent but still don’t mind stripping down to your underwear. Your smile, your eyes, your personallity you’re perfect. You’ll be perfect forever.

What? No! Where’d you hear that? Look, Stacey is only a friend, a good friend, but you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. You’re the one I want to wake up next to, the one I want to be able to cry in front of. Rumors are rumors, but this is love.

No.

Fine. It happened once, but we were on a break! Let’s not turn this into a Ross-Rachel thing. You told me it wasn’t working, and Stacey consoled me that night you guys were here in Canada. I swear to God, it only made me love you more. Besides, remember how I made it up to you? I flew out to Boston and waited for you at the wrestler’s exit. You weren’t exactly happy to see me. Remember how you took the white roses I brought you, said ‘Thanks’ and offered to pose with me for a picture? That was cold, treating me like I meant nothing to you anymore. I left without saying a word and headed straight for the airport. You remember what happened then? You caught me as I was getting on the plane. You’d been crying. You apologized and told me you loved me, and I took you into my arms and kissed you with passion I’d never felt before. I’ll probably never feel it again. Then you got more bumps in bruises in the airport bathroom with me then you’ll ever get wrestling with that manbeast Jazz. I can’t believe you actually hit your head on the toilet seat. That was cute. I think it was the bump that made you ask me to marry you.

So Stacey wants me! So what? I don’t want her. No, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think she was pretty, but I’d be lying even more if I said she was anything compared to you. Stacey was my consolation prize. You’re the gold medal. Don’t give me that annoyed look. You look so cute when you’re annoyed, and it makes me want to do very bad things to you. Things we shouldn’t be thinking about right now while we’re talking about this.

Okay, I’ll be serious. No, I never did it with Lita. Or Molly. Just you and Stacey, and maybe I breifly considered Ivory when I saw her with her boob job. I’m just kidding! Ow! You shouldn’t hit me like that unless you want to wrestle. You up for it, cutie? My little wrestling fiance? Sorry. I’m sorry, but part of me just can’t take this all that seriously. Look, we love each other. You’ve had relationships on the road, and I’ve been understanding. It is so not different that I did it with someone you work with. We were broken up. Besides, when I spend all that time with you of course I’m going to make some friends backstage. Stacey was a good friend. I miss her friendship, but it was worth losing it to stay with you.

What can I do here?

No. Please, honey, this is just a minor setback. Look, we can get through this together. We’ve gotten through worse. I got past The Rock and HHH, you can get past Stacey, can’t you? Don’t tell me they were only wrestling angles! I know what you guys do when the cameras go off. Fine, I will tell you what you guys do! None of you are able to act, I mean really act, so you have to live what you’re performing. It’s like how Stephanie fell for Hunter because she was in an angle with him. Yes, I know what the word angle means. I do have an internet connection you know.

Now you deny it. That’s great, Trish. You act like a whore, you basically sell sex out there, yet you’ve never had it with your co-workers! Really? Which one? It does so matter! Because it just does. Okay, look, I’m a little insecure is all. I mean, if it was Big Show or Val, I’d kinda feel inferior. You don’t have anything to worry about, you’re about 50 times the woman Stacey is. Me, sometimes you make me feel like I’m not much of a man at all. I’m sorry, I make myself feel that way. Please just tell me.

Stacey?

Oh.

So, that’s how you knew, huh? When did this happen? Wow. That was recent. Hey, it’s no big deal! No, no big deal. What do you mean it is a big deal? Oh, come on! You’re not gay. You’re not! You just told me that you loved me! Rubbing your body all over those other women in the ring doesn’t make you a lesbian! Maybe you’re bi, but we can work with that. Honey, no! Please.

Wait a second. This is why you acted the way you did last week. I thought you just didn’t see me at the airport last week, but you did, didn’t you? I came in to surprise you, and you did see me and sprinted away. Good, you should feel guilty! No, don’t touch me! Don’t apologize. No, don’t say goodbye either, because this is not over. We will work this out. Yes we will! DON’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU GODDAMN IT!

Oh God. Oh no. I am so sorry. I okay! I won’t touch you. I can’t believe I hit you. Jesus, what’s wrong with me? Listen, let me just I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I give the match we just had a DUD. I’m sorry! I shouldn’t be making jokes now, I’m just so nervous. I just don’t want to lose you. Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? You’re my sunlight. I die without you. Don’t say things like that. Don’t threaten me with a restraining order. How can we make it work if no. I hit you. I became so angry that I hit you. We do need time apart. In fact, I don’t think it’s right if we see each other anymore. It’ll be hard for me to resist, so go and get your restraining order. Remember as I was, not as I am now. Remember me as someone who loved you. Goodbye, sweet Trish. Go now, cause I’ve got rage building up inside of me unstoppable rage go! Out the window, so my mom doesn’t see.

Scott Keith finished screaming at Trish as she jumped out of his window. Scott’s mom entered from the hall where she had been listening and put her arm around her sobbing son.

“Mom, Trish is a lesbian and she broke up with me!”

“Scott, I think it was very brave of you to imagine that to justify the restraining order Trish actually did get against you. This is a step towards recovery.”

“She was the love of my life and left me for another woman! I’m so pathetic, mom!”

“No you’re not son, no you’re not,” Scott’s mom said between sobs, wishing her son could at least fantasize about an actress or a cheerleader instead of wrestlers.

She stopped wishing all of that when Scott grabbed her boob and squeezed.

The End

I want to explain myself briefly here. Scott Keith is fun to make a mockery of. Also, he takes himself way too seriously at times, but that’s probably because people take Scott Keith way too seriously. He has moments of greatness, but he has lesser moments as well. In short, he is a human being, as is Hyatte, as is Grutman, as is Eric and Widro but not Ashish. Ashish is half Ash, half Ish. Case in point, anyone’s name could have been pit there, save for the stars and dud comment. Don’t forget, I love everyone and stuff.