A Wrestling News Report 4.19.02

Guys, I’m going to cut back a day and give it to Ashish. I’ve never been especially proud of my news report, although I love you guys. I’m still very proud of my Tales, and I’m good of the occasional reports into which I put a lot of effort. The real problem is that you can tell which news reports I’ve put real effort into, and I don’t have the time twice a week to put forth that kind of effort. I think that yesterday was where I hit rock bottom. The reason I usually don’t get hate mail, save for two people, is because I rarely take a stand on anything. I take a news bit and make fun of it. This has resulted in a lot of fan mail, and I thank you. Anyway, the only reason someone would send in hate mail to me is if they thought that the quality was just plain crappy. Today was the first day I got much more hate mail then fan mail, and I am not Hyatte, and I do not revel in it. I felt kind of crappy. I felt like I let you guys down.

We do this for free, but we also do this for you. One does not cancel out the other. So I talked with Widro about it this morning, and he suggested that I try doing the news 1 day a week and see if that works for me. It’s not that I feel burned out or anything, just the opposite. If I had more time, I’d give you a good report every day. Maybe one good report a week is better then two crappy reports a week. I guess we’ll see.

Anyway, Ashish is really into this and really good. I’m not going anywhere as I’ll still be doing this Thursday. Also, junk news will expand from this. What I’ve tentatively decided to do is do junk news for every day of the week. It doesn’t take me that long to do junk news, and a lot of it looks like effort while a little of it looks crap. I’ve also recently signed Dog, Ape and Man to a one segment a week deal where he will answer your questions about life. Kind of like the Love Doctor, you freakish thief. If you’d like to ask DAM a question, you can send it to me and I’ll forward it to him, or you can send it to dogapeandman@yahoo.com. He rarely checks that e-mail address, however.

Also starting next week, I’ll be starting a 411 Writer poem contest. Write a poem about a writer here at 411 and send it in, and it will be judged and possibly posted. Remember, anything you submit to 411 becomes the exclusive property of 411 and may be used to embarrass you at your high school graduation. Or something like that. I forget how it goes.

Guys, I’m not doing this for me. Believe me, I’d be quite happy sitting at my computer two nights a weeks for half an hour and typing out some crap for you. Anyway, it’s not like the world is ending, and it’s not like I couldn’t be replaced in half an hour, and you certainly didn’t come here to read about me. So let’s do it one more time for the last time, shall we?

JUNK NEWS!!! HUZZAH! (The crappy thrown together version.)

Sunny is doing a porno movie. And, if I understand correctly, cocaine.

Dawn Marie injured her ankle at a WWF house show. I guess someone should have listened to her when she said she wasn’t ready to face Kurt Angle, but things happen.

Lita injured her neck during a taping of Dark Angel, which was actually directed by James Cameron. She does not know when she will be able to return to the ring as she is having trouble turning her head right now, and without that neck thing she does, she has nothing.

The Rock’s next movie will be Helldorabo, about a bounty hunter out for revenge, and then out for treasure. The Rock could not be reached for comment, as he was out for lunch. HAHAHAHA! I’m the only one who’ll find that funny.

Goldberg’s injury was to his left arm, not the right arm which was badly damaged last week when he bashed in the NWO limo. In other news, I have lost all sense of time.

The Rock is scheduled to work the main event of a May 4th house show, teaming with Hogan to take on Angle and Jericho. When asked if he’d show up, the Rock screamed for two hours about all of the crap he has to do for his stupid Scorpion movie.

Michael Clarke Duncan spoke on Jay Leno about the Rock, and they both dissed him! Then Lay Leno challenged Vince and the Rock to fight him and Duncan. In related news, Eric S. has swallowed his own tongue.

Lance Storm was fired last week for inappropriate use of the Internet on WWF’s dime. Unfortunately, the firing took place from a canon, into a brick wall. Lance Storm was 52.

My television is now like completely broken. I am in a complete state of disarray. No, really, I am not happy at all and I hope God will do something about this. Hey! Fox is working again! Thanks God. NOW IT COMPLETELY WORKS! HOLY CRAP! GOD, I LOVE YOU!

Actually, it does this every day around five for some reason. Sometimes it comes back with HBO2. It’s odd like that.

Crappy Junk News! Huzzah!

DRUNKEN SMACKDOWN! IF UPN IS STILL BROKEN, DRUNKEN FANTASY SMACKDOWN

UPN is no longer broken. Time to drink.

Beer #1

Seinfeld just ended. I read another fan mail. Time for one more drunken Smackdown. Games could be played, but we’ll just drink.

Hogan is now on a quest. One man will stand alone. My bet is on Hogan.

We are just 72 hours away from Backlash! Life just flies by. What about the kids

BILLY AND CHUCK! Maybe I’ll never have kids.

I like Albert’s new gear. It’s strangely disturbing. No, it’s very disturbing. Very, very disturbing. By the way, I’m picking Maven and Snow on Sunday. By the way, the next Tough Enough winner should have a cocky new guy gimmick. “I’m the best wrestler ever. It took Tazz like 10 years to get here, and he sucks. I got here in 3 months. I am the greatest wrestler ever.” That would rule.

Chuck and Snow start it off. Maven tags in. Cole plugs him as a 3 time hardcore champion. Chuck now on the offensive. Here comes Al. Here comes Albert. In case I didn’t mention it, Rikishi is in this match. Billy is in. I think that the WWF will never stop trying to push Billy until I or he dies. RIKISHI IS IN! FAT FUN! Al Snow looked like he wanted to come in to block a pin, but he didn’t. Can’t Rico wrestle? Why are they wasting him? Maven lands badly. Maven is in! Hot tag to Maven! Lot’s of stuff happening. MAVEN PINS CHUCK! MAVEN PINS CHUCK! MAVEN’S DEPRESSING MUSIC PLAYS!

Vince wants to see Hogan. Hogan wants to see Stacy’s ass. Everybody wins!

Tonight on Tough Enough 2, stuff happens. Here’s Flea to review a match from his video collection instead! Flea! Flea? Oh yeah.

WAHHHHHH!

Tony Hawk is tricking off of everything, even Tony Animal. Skateboarding, WHAT A RUSH!

I can’t wait for the Lita appearance on Dark Angel. No, I mean I can’t wait. I broke into Fox Studio’s and stole the tape.

Behind the scenes of the Scorpion King! This is going to be one of the epic fights, according to the idiot from the gay movie.

Kidman and Hurricane are mocking Stasiak. Nobody cares about Kidman apparently. Funny bit with cheap pops.

Hogan and Vince and Stacy! I love my life. Let’s turn it over to Denzel Washington! Denzel? Oh. Yeah.

Vince remembers the first time Hulkamania started. I don’t see the point of this. Vince should be berating Hogan, telling him it’s just nostalgia and it will wear off. Instead, he seems to be inspiring him. I don’t see why this meeting had to take place on television. Can’t Vince talk to his employees off-screen? Wow, this doesn’t make me want to buy the show. Still, it’s going to be cool, if not as cool as The Rock vs. Hogan. This is going to be HH vs. HHH, the old backstage politician versus the new one. HHH will almost definitely job. He did it for the Undertaker, he’ll do it for Hogan. Hogan will defend successfully against the Undertaker, then either Angle or Jericho, and at the third one he’ll drop the title to Stone Cold. It will suck hard.

A review of Stacey dancing. Beer II.

ZZ Top looks like crap. Torrie looks hot. Tajiri looks short. I look bored. CHAVO! HERE COMES CHAVO! CHAVO ON SMACKDOWN! Kidman is here, and he’s getting some cheers coincidentally. Lot’s of stuff going on. I’m picking Kidman on Sunday. Tajiri and Hurricane. CHAVO IS IN! CHAVO IS IN! Big leg drop by Kidman. Tajiri with a sweet f*cking kick from outside. Hurricane is a house o fire! Hurricane with a choke slam, and then a surprised look! Tajiri pins Hurricane after a sweet kick. Then one on Kidman. No berating Torrie this week. Oh, I guess he is. Stay with him, Torrie! Elizabeth stayed with Randy. You ungrateful bitch.

You can hang out with your friends or smoke weed. Your choice, Flea.

Also, I’m picking Bradshaw. He is Raw, now.

NEWSFLASH! Flea has chosen weed.

Here comes CHRIS BENOIT! He has his own very short music video. Shorter then Triple H’s.

Some new doof introduces Mark Henry. He looks in shape, so now the WWF shouldn’t fire him. He’s going to pick up a car, because this isn’t a wrestling show. Dino Bravo is Mark Henry is now walking towards the car as I walk towards the fridge. BEER 3! Test can’t lift the car. I can’t believe that Christian, Lance and Val are part of the betters. THE NATION IS BACK IN BUSINESS AS FAROOQ TIGHTENS HENRY’S BELT! GET D-LO! THE GODFATHER IS RIGHT THERE! CALL UP THE ROCK! HE’S NOT BUSY, IS HE? Test is attacking Farooq as Mark did it. Wrestlers who are dreaming of Australia separate them.

Booker T still won’t let the white guy eat dinner with him. He had a hard day at work, body slamming, spinarooning, armed robbing, the usual.

Lou Diamond Phillips lives in Great Neck now.

I’m picking Undertaker. Edge. RVD. Bradshaw. Jazz. Lesnar will destroy Jeff? Here comes Hogan, all red and yellowed out to Jimmy. This is the best music in all of wrestling, shockingly. He also worked out doing the ear thing to the music. Hogan gives shitty interviews. He plugs the ‘still’ catchphrase. He’s now talking about reality. Maybe this is all the dream of an insane God. Or an insane person. Maybe none of us exist. Are you reading this, or is someone dreaming you reading this? Or are you having a dream and dreaming this? Maybe we’re all part of your dream, including Hulk Hogan. Still, why would Eric S. dream this? Or have you dreamed up Eric S.? This is done. Hogan now wants the title back. Hogan already has a belt! He whipped Rock with it. He says this is reality. But is it? God, this is repetitive YES! HERE HE COMES! THE LIVING LEGEND! THE ONLY GUY! CHRIS JERICHO! TEAR HIM TO PIECES, CHRIS! TEAR HIM TO BITS!

Chris calls Hogan a farce! A joke! HOGAN IS THE HAS BEEN! Jericho rules the school. This is absolutely brilliant. Hogan sold a couple of t-shirts, had a Saturday morning cartoon. SO DID MC HAMMER! Well, he should have said that. This is an incredible interview. Jericho is really ripping Hogan up. The crowd starts a Hogan chant, but it seems half hearted.

Hogan’s only response? Shut up. Hogan beats Jericho a bit. Wow. Jericho is getting fat, according to my friend. Angle comes out, and here COMES THE ROCK Edge. Oh. Here comes Edge. Good!

Flea’s right. I need to drink more. I’m feeling lose after 3. 3 Used to be what I drank to feel normal.

Number 4!

Edge is being berated by Vince. Edge says out as oot, and it makes him so Canadian. Stacy is sent to get Triple H, because VINCE SELLS TICKETS!

Here comes Farooq. Test stomps away. You know, why am I taking a day off? Let’s try it next week, and you tell me if you like the new format and the one day thing. THEY BRING UP THE TEST CAN’T BE FIRED THINGY! Bonus points to anyone who tells me when that ends. This is a point system you know. TEDDY SEES TEST ON THE ROPES! Test should curse on television and claim immunity. I wish I could do this to my friends when they don’t pay money they owe me. FAROOQ WINS! Then Test boots Farooq. I need to pee.

Stacey and Trip play around as Stephanie fumes. “I stole him from Chyna fair and square!”

WWF NY! I live in NY. Paisley is talking to Hardcore Holly. DDP is going to be big again. He should be, anyway. Screw him being Bischoff’s neighbor. He’s made this gimmick work, and he deserves bonus points for that. Yes, there is a point system. Shockingly, Hugh Morus is way, way ahead.

Triple H is with Vince. Vince does his talking thing again. VINCE ASKS TRIPLE H IF HE’S READY TO DRIVE A SPEAR INTO THE HEART OF HULKAMANIA! GOLDBERG! GOLDBERG IS COMING! THE JEWS IS LOOSE! That was pointless.

Here comes DDP. Here comes Holly. Holly is one of the guys who could be a good guy or a bad guy on any given night. And that’s not a bad thing. You know what would have been funny during the DDP Understalker phase? If he got a fake tattoo of “Sara” on his neck. That would have ruled. HOLLY WITH A SUPLEX! DDP WITH A SUPERPLEX! JOSHUA GRUTMAN WITH A CIGARETTE! You know what was a good A Wrestling News Report? The one where I wrote the desire song. HARDCORE WINS! DIAMOND CUTTER! DDP GETS HIS HEAT BACK! Angle and Jericho talk. I drink. Angle is really driving home the you suck chant. Too bad he’ll lose on Sunday.

What happened to Nidia? Did she die or something? They should have gone with Taylor. Everyone loves a white bitch. I’m also in the minority of thinking that Nidia was Hot. YES! Now I can’t be perceived as racist!

Beer 5, and I’m drunk. This is sad.

HERE COMES D-VON! Mr. McMahon’s spiritual advisor. He might need some help, there. Wait! D-Von’s a priest now! Keep him away from the little boys! Priests are awful. They are, and screw you religious idiots who are going to write in to tell me what a dick I am. The fact that the organization tried to cover up what happened is a travesty, as is the fact that it happened so often. It all comes down to the celibacy clause, which was not originally required. I don’t know where I read that, maybe it was Eric S. Jeez, I missed the whole D-Von interview. PEOPLE ARE GIVING HIM MONEY! THIS RULES! THEY PAID SO MUCH FOR FRONT ROW SEATS, AND THEN THEY GIVE MORE! TESTIFY!

Go see the Scorpion King or something.

Here comes the JERICHO! BREAK MY ASS OFFFFFFFF! But then I’d have no ass? Kurt Angle comes out. They were already chanting you suck at him. Why’d they have to play off of it? HHH gets top billing after Hogan. I’m going to see Changing Lanes tonight. Wrestling is stupid. Triple H is now fight Angle. Angle hits Hogan. IT’S MORSE COME TRUE! Except that Hogan isn’t all sad and stuff. WRITE A MEAN! JERICHO AND HOGAN! Jericho can’t beat Hogan in a test of strength. CHEAT TO WIN! This is a good match when Hogan’s not involved. That’s smart, keep Hogan out of matches except for moments. I’m having a conversation about Snarf with Matt, sorry. HOGAN IS IN! MOVING SLOWLY! SO SLOWLY! Hypnotically yes Hogan. I will eat my vitamins and be your love slave. Hogan with the worst missed chair shot ever. HERE COMES THE ROCK Edge. Oh. Edge. Good! Hogan with the Leg drop on Jericho! HHH HITS HOGAN WITH THE CHAIR! BUY THE PPV! IT’S GOING TO RULE! PLAY HHH’S MUSIC! YAGH!

PLUGS

Hurtado and his boys at the video game sections all got together and discussed video games at a roundtable. Bully for them!

Who the hell are all of these video reviews? Midget Madness by Claire Flynn Boyle? Garbage Wrestling Video Review #1 by E.J. Stanton? The Hulkster Hulk Hogan by The Sarge? Who the hell is the Sarge?

Dave Murphy is still in Praise of Stuff, this time it’s Indy Wrestling. Go read it.

I wrote a Wrestling Tale about the Rock. It’s good.

Well, next week is when the new format starts. If you guys have any ideas or suggestions, send them in. We’ll see what we can do. See you next week.