A Wrestling News Report 4.25.02

Hey guys. Welcome to the experiment.

First of all, no questions for Dog, Ape and Man. Send them in so he can answer them! He has wisdom, and I hear he may be opening his own T-shirt store.

I wrote half of a play in High School called Coming Out Party. I finished it in college and it was put on. It was met tremendously well, and I swear that at one point the audience was literally howling with laughter. It’s an incredible feeling to see an audience watch your work and react like that. Anyway, it’s the story of a guy dumped by a girl. The guy is so heart broken he decides he’s gay, and tells his homophobic father, his sympathetic mother, his disbelieving brother, and his best friend. Now, a word from Jacob York.

Hey Josh,

Coming Out Party goes up this week. I’ll try and give all the info I can and let me know if I forget anything. It’s been a very trying couple of days, since I’ve got an actress who had to drop out of the play for medical reasons and my wonderful stage manager is stepping in to the role with two days notice. I feel sorry for her because Julia was doing such a great job and it’s going to be hard to measure up to her. BUT, I have faith. Other than that, everything has gone pretty damn well. I’m very proud of my cast. The cast is (I know you don’t need to know this, but hey, oh well…)

Carey Snyder as Chris

Mitchell Tynes as Neil

Pamela Kane as Laura

Joey Judd as Father

Leva Bates, my wonderful stage manager, replacing Julia Pemberton as Mom.It is part of the Sock and Buskin Studio festival, which is a number of student works. It will be held on the campus of Murray State University in Murray, KY. The building is Wilson Hall, the location of the black box is 310B. Admission is $2 and it’s a fund raiser for Sock and Buskin which is the theatre group on campus. (Quick fact: It is the oldest organization on campus. Older than any of the frats, dammit…) It’s playing on Wednesday and Friday night at 7:00. Just as a quick plug, I’m in a show the other two nights, so send people out those nights as well. If anyone is actually close by, then the number for directions and whatnot is (270) 762-4421. If they have any questions about the show itself, you can always post my e-mail address. We had a bit of a preview tonight and we were VERY well recieved. We’ll get someone to record it (with the audience, I think that’s important) and send you a copy very soon. Just need your address. It’s been a real pleasure doing the show and I know that all of my actors are glad they are involved. They’re having a hell of a time.

Thanks,

Jacob York, the most HUMBLE director

Jacob York is awesome, talented and funny. If you happen to live by or go to Murray State, go see not only the out of state debut of my show, but go the other night to see Jacob perform as well. I’m excited about this, not pacing around my room or anything, but excited.

Anyway, thanks for reading about my life and all. You want Junk News, right? HOW ABOUT A WEEK OF IT!!!?

THE WEEK IN JUNK NEWS. HUZZAH!

Friday

The Smackdown rating was down .1 last week from a 4.7 to a 4.6. It took both of his children and two of his mistresses to talk Vince off of the ledge.

The WWF’s Private Jet was involved in a ground handling accident. DAMN YOU, OSAMA! DAMN YOU!

The Rock pulled up SNL’s ratings a good deal, providing one of the strongest ratings this season with a 5.1. Many attribute this not to the Rock, but to the brilliant ‘Fred’ sketch which had been heavily promoted.

Now it appears that Smackdown finished up .1 from last week. Vince got drunk and took his kids and mistresses to a strip club.

The Ross Report was up today. The only interesting thing I found was DDP’s possibly career ending injury. You know, there was absolutely no mention of Lance Storm’s death! Jim Ross has no heart.

Saturday

On last week’s Byte This, the Undertaker said that he was the beach. So many jokes can’t pick one mind exploding AGH!

The Rock was on Conan last Friday, completing the hell week of promotion for the Scorpion King. However, he was very tired and it showed, as he spent the segment asking questions about the masturbating bear.

Wahoo McDaniels has died at the age of 63. His daughter said it best. “He was a wild, crazy Indian.” I swear to God, that’s an actual quote.

Vince McMahon commented on the WWA during a promotional tour of Austrailia. To quote him, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” He then grew serious and said, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Summer Slam will take place in my neck of the woods at the Nassau Coliseum. If anyone knows a way to get free tickets, please e-mail me or something. Or don’t. Whatever.

The WWF wastes way too much beer. It makes me sad.

The Scorpion King may make more money then any other movie released in April. When told this, the Rock pointed a finger at himself and said, “Money!”

On Saturday, the Rock appeared on Larry King Live and Nickelodeon, prolonging the hell week. He embarrassed himself by asking what happened to those Good Burger boys on both shows. Surprisingly, Larry King knew.

Sunday (Pre-Backlash)

The Scorpion King scored at the box office with 36.2 million dollars this weekend. The words pile drivered, body slammed, and other wrestling moves will make more appearances in the entertainment section of newspapers this Monday then ever before.

The new 411 rankings are up, with RVD and Chris Jericho taking the top spots thanks to the tireless hours of voting by the 411 staff, and the days of formatting and posting by Corey Davidson. Thank you, Corey. No one on this site works harder then you.

Chris Benoit is not expected to appear at Backlash tonight, after he was tragically stepped on by Tito the Mad Puppet Midget or something like that. Chris Benoit was 14, and is survived by his child, Lance Storm.

On Heat, Raven said that Al Snow and Maven’s tag team title match at Backlash was the biggest match of Snow’s career. Didn’t he have a PPV match with the Rock or someone important? Whatever. Raven blows ass.

Backlash Junk News

Tajiri won back the Cruiserweight title after spraying Kidman with the ‘red’ mist. Let me get this straight. Green mist causes slight annoyance, yellow mist causes the flesh to be eaten from the face, rainbow mist causes a change in sexuality, purple mist causes a craving for potato chips, and red mist causes full body paralysis. Am I right?

Scott Hall beat Bradshaw thanks to X-Pac. Hmm, in what other walk of life would I ever write that line?

Jazz beat Trish to retain thanks to Molly Holly, kind of. After the match, Jazz did the Snoopy dance for 25 minutes until she was forcibly removed from the ring by a returning Chris Benoit! He’s not dead!

Brock Lesnar beat Jeff Hardy when the referee stopped the fight when Matt Hardy convinced his parents to throw the towel in. Then Matt grabbed the towel and celebrated like he won the match himself! IT WAS A TRICK!

Kurt Angle beat Edge in a very good match. I was shocked to see how many people hated Edge in the roundtable, considering Edge was the good guy and Angle was the bad guy. I mean, Angle sucks! He’s a kiss ass a nerd! Edge, meanwhile, is cool and funny, and also a little bit crazy!

Chris Jericho gave an interview which ended in disaster when he was attacked by a singer named Fozzy or something. The entire thing was really confusing.

Eddie. Beat. R. V. D. EDDIE BEAT RVD! HOLY CRAP! EDDIE GUERRERO BEAT RVD! The upset of the night, and a great decision by the WWF creative team. Unfortunately Eddie drove home after the post match celebration. There were no survivors.

Undertaker beats Austin, despite Austin’s foot being on the ropes. Flair says shit after the match when he sees the replay. It was very long.

Billy and Chuck retained over Maven and Snow due to interference from Rico. Billy took the mike and swore that this push was different because he was gay now or something. Palumbo looked bored with the whole thing.

Oh, a quick note to the 411 people who didn’t get an invite to the round table: NOT A BIG DEAL! It’s picking the winners of predetermined contests. Just trust me on this one, it’s nothing big.

Hey, Rob Wilson is pretty funny. He’s no Carlos or anything. Nobody can be Carlos. I miss you, Carlos. Carlos. You came and you gave me a baby. Then you want far away! Oh, Wilson. You complained about the roundtable. But you make funny jokes!

From the sound of the crowd, the whole Hogan nostalgia factor is beginning to wear off. Oh man, Jim Ross just said that the louder the Hulkamaniacs get, the more effective it would be for Hulk Hogan. This is the same Jim Ross who in the year 2000 say Jerry Briscoe win the hardcore title, heard “I Am A Real American”, and said some like, “Now I have to listen to this God-awful music.” 16 minutes till 11. I think they should go past 11, then show the rest of the match during the commercials of Star Trek tomorrow night. That would crack me up something fierce. Jericho interfers! HHH attacks Jericho! This is familiar to the Rock vs. Mick Foley pink slip on a pole match. Nope, Hogan misses the legdrop. Undertaker interferes on behalf of Hogan? Hogan attacks the Undertaker. Hogan then leg drops HHH. Hogan wins. In other news, most of the Internet Wrestling scene has collectively said, “BAH!” Then most of them retired.

Monday

Tonight on RAW IS WAR, Hogan is the new champion! Stone Cold is furious! Undertaker is happy! Eddy is dancing! RVD is frowning! What does all of this mean? Find out two days ago on RAW!

Steve Austin gave an interview to WWF.com where he was completely and totally played the company bitch, finally convincing me that he’s all talk and I could kick his ass.

Tonight, Bret Hart appears on the psychic show. I gotta tell you, this was funny at first but as it gets closer and closer, it’s more sad and disturbing. Still, that John Edwards guy is really weird and stuff, so who knows what this Anderson guy can do?

A 4 Way Title Match with Jericho, Austin, Undertaker and Hogan could headline the next PPV, with Flair and Vince McMahon involved somehow and the outcome being decided by a returning Stephanie McMahon. Should be fabulous.

Tough Enough ratings jumped thanks to the love affair between Jackie and Pete. The WWF has to play off of this! Those two have to win, and then they have to have sex in the ring every night.

The Big Show joined the NWO on Raw, which will lead to The Big Show leaving the NWO and Kevin Nash dropping him on his head, this time killing him. Thus, the Big Show has 4 months to live. He will be 93 and survived by some chick he showed his cock to.

Also on RAW, RVD beat Mr. Perfect. Perfect let his guard down when in an odd spot he left the ring, grabbed the mike, and said, “Hey! Wasn’t I pushed like hell at the Rumble? What is this jobbing crap?”

I saw the Bret Hart meets a psychic interview. While Bret could have done this off camera, no real truths were reached. Nothing of consequence was said. This seemed to simply be a comforting session, something that Bret probably needed. Sometimes people really want to believe in something, and I don’t fault Bret for that. Also, the guy thought that Bret was an American, so maybe he really does have super psychic powers! Whatever.

One thing the psychic said stuck to me. He told Bret it’s never too late to make things better. I hope Bret listened. I honestly hope his life gets better. He might kill himself if it gets worse.

Tuesday/Wednesday

Lita is having surgery on her neck which will keep her out for 6-9 months. Jessica Alba is the science fiction answer to Goldberg.

The Rock is expected to get up to 10 million per picture. This for a movie called Hellderabo. HELLDERABO IS THE TITLE OF A MOVIE! AND IT STARS STALIN! Flex is going to learn a lesson here, a little lesson called KARMA! YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH MY WIFE, FLEX? YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A BLACK/SAMOAN/WHITE CHILD? YOU’LL GET YOURS, FLEX! HELLDERABO WILL BE THE END OF whoo. Sorry, I channeled Eric S for a minute there.

Scotty 2 Hotty is going to have surgery, while DDP is going to go to physical therapy to avoid surgery. Guys, we gotta protect DDP. We need to stop chanting his catchphrase, not just because it’s stupid. We need to sit on our hands during his matches. This man has the hottest wife of all wrestlers, and if he doesn’t fix this problem now and possibly end his career by doing so, he will wind up with back problems for the rest of his life and not be able to make love to her the way she deserves. Help me help DDP.

Randy Orton made his debut at Smackdown, taking on Bob Holly. I don’t want to give away any spoilers, but at one point of the match Randy gets distracted when Orton hears a Who.

I screwed up that last joke so badly. I apologize. It’s probably Hoo or something.

Jericho takes on Triple H for the right to take on Hogan on Smackdown. I don’t want to ruin anything, but let’s just say that somebody seems to do some apologizing for something he said.

Also, Undertaker may or may not show up on Smackdown. There should be a fine system or something. OH! I got it! Public flogging. From now on, when a wrestler leaves one show to appear on another, he should be publicly flogged on his own show. “TIME TO FLOG THE GAME!” I come up with the best ideas.

Scott Steiner is cleared to wrestle so long as he wears a brace. However, this comes from the same doctor who said, “Don’t be a baby, Dynamite! One more head butt can’t hurt!”

Also, the WWF is busy working on a Killer Bee’s type gimmick for Brock Lesnar and Scott Steiner. Early word is that the masks will be bright pink.

PLUGS!

You know what sucks? The 411 fan forum! So go there and tell everyone on the forum how much they suck!

Now that everyone in the forum is writing about what a jerk I am for plugging them like that, allow me to state that forumer 4:20 has come up with what is quite simply the best idea for a wrestling t-shirt ever. If I were Ashish and not evil, as we all know Ashish is, I’d try to sell the rights to this shirt to the WWF for a huge chunk of change and split the profit with 4:20. If you remember the last time 411 tried to sell shirts, you’d remember that I was really into it all that much. Honestly, I didn’t like the idea. However, you must buy the new 411 shirt and wear it to wrestling shows. I guarantee you everyone will want to know where you got it and how they can get one. The shirt reads:

We Know Wrestling Is Fake.

So Are Some Boobs.

We Enjoy Those Too.

Brilliant. Bravo, 4:20. I don’t know when those “I AM DOG! I AM APE! I AM MAN! I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!” shirts will be up, but buy the other one as quickly as possible. Unless you’re a straight girl. Then you’re pretty much screwed.

In every generation of wrestling Internet wrestling writers, one emerges who changes everything. In this generation, this man rose from the smallest state in the union to become our hero. From a red and black soapbox with simply a review of Raw, our hero changed everything. Our hero made popular the now beloved concept of the Internet writer feud with epic masterpieces that spanned over 20 pages sometimes. He left his red and black home, and found a new one with a cat who would cause more trouble for him then the one in Dr. Suess epic children’s book, The Cat In The Hat. A fierce battle took place between the cat and our hero, and when the dust cleared, our hero was left with a plate of Chinese food. Our hero then came to 411 and hired me, his eventual part time replacement. Our hero then grew tired of the fighting, the adulation, and the endless amount of imitators who tried to be our hero and failed miserably. He faked his own death with the help of a faithful companion and ran off in to the night.

NOW OUR HERO HAS RETURNED! In what surely must be the greatest thing ever written by man or God, Our Hero has written a Mop Up for Backlash! If you do not read it, you are a heathen! HEATHEN I SAY! Go now and embrace the pleasure, the majesty, the mystery, the love that is HYATTE!

I wonder if he’s chuckling or fuming right now? I’d place it in the middle. He’s feeling slight annoyance, but he has a smile on his face. I was going to write a song about him, but changed my mind.

Oh, Keith did a review of Backlash also. It has a star system. It makes you feel like an astrologer. Also, Widro did one, just in case you want to read one that doesn’t have jokes or smugness. Oh, that’s unfair. Scott Keith isn’t smug. He’s adorable.

Also, Scott clutters up an already cluttered Video review box with his old Netcop Wrestlmania Columns. 1, 2, and 3 are up. Why? Really, Scott, what brought this on? We know Wrestlemania 2 sucked and Wrestlemania 3 rocked! You already told us what to think of the shows! Why again? WHY?

In a similar vain, I’m asking Widro to post Mr. Rodriguez Helped again. Hyatte said when it first came out, “The Showcase column this week is DEFINITELY the finest piece of writing I have ever read on the web… INCLUDING anything I’ve ever done.” Part 2 is finally done, and will be out next week. Read it, and have your MIND BLOWN! You’ll get that joke later.

Do you Praise Life and Family? Dan Murphy does, and it’s a touching little thing.

Joe Rivett does not like Hulkamania. Quick, write to him and tell him how much he sucks and how wrong he is!

That might be most time I’ve ever spent plugging anything, including the part at the top about my play. Anyway, I’ll see you guys next week. I have a paper to write. Tell me what you thought about all of this.