Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 5.07.02

The hardest tyranny is that which acts under the protection of legality and the banner of justice – Charles-Louis de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu

In Memoriam:  Randy Anderson.  An island of stability and class in the middle of the turbulent ocean of WCW’s asinine booking.

WHAT THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW…

Flashback to last Wednesday…an Army officer arrives at Reagan International…he’s wearing captain’s bars and a caduceus with a superimposed “V”…in his pocket, a set of TDY orders from Fort Detrick to Fort Campbell and a sealed envelope with a White House insignia…he is carrying a black briefcase that he doesn’t let go of, even when he has to take a piss…he is under orders not to open the sealed envelope until he arrives at the BOQ at Campbell, or to open the briefcase until then…he is allowed past security without having to X-ray the briefcase…the flight and drive afterward is otherwise completely normal…he arrives at Campbell, gets assigned a room in the BOQ, and opens the envelope…he quickly scans the letter inside, the signature of George W. Bush large and clear at the bottom…he opens the case to reveal a number of large-size hypodermics and some vials of clear fluid…

This scenario, I believe, would explain the results of the Kentucky Derby better than anything else.

Please.  A perfecta of War Emblem and Proud Citizen?  And War Emblem owned by a Saudi prince to boot?  As fixed as the Super Bowl, I tell you.  I almost threw a brick through the screen as I watched this mess.

Of course, I was in a pretty foul mood.  I started Derby Day by getting up at 6 because I had to attend a funeral at 9 (grandmother’s brother, if you’re curious).  Now, I haven’t unpacked from my move due to pending job possibilities, but I had my suit and my good white shirts in a garment bag put aside JIC interviews should hit.  I opened the bag and found that all the shirts were wrinkled.  Now, after the Army, I vowed I would never iron another piece of clothing again, and I’ve kept that vow, so the only recourse I had was to do my laundry.  Thank God that my laundry gets done by 8:15.  I grab a quick shower, get my suit on, and rush to the funeral, making it just in time.  Of course, I’m stuck being a pallbearer, and realized that, in the rush to get out, I forgot to take my Vioxx and Flexaril, so you can kinda figure out how my back felt for the rest of the day.  When I got back, I realized that, in the rush to do my laundry, I forgot to pop the white cotton gloves I wear at work to prevent my hands from freezing into the whites, so I had to hand-wash them.  It’s the minor annoyances that tend to drive you crazy.

THE PIMP SECTION

Widro gets into the “where’s Goldberg going” act, and so does Rivett.

Daniels describes to us the last week in the life of the World Wrestling Federation.

Nason and his indy update.  Always a must-read for those of us jaded on the WWWhatever.

Musso makes excuses for being late with the Heat recap.  Hey, no problem from this end.  I’ve been late or non-existent with this column for various and sundry, ranging from out-of-town to “my system blew up”.

NO BIG SURPRISE, REALLY; AFTER ALL, SPIDEY ALWAYS BEATS THE SCORPION…

One hundred fifteen million on opening weekend.  Jesus.  It took a day and a half for Spider-Man to out-gross The Scorpion King‘s total three-week BO, showing that, indeed, the American public does have taste.  The long-buried Marvel Zombie in me is smiling very heavily right now at this development; God bless you, Sam Raimi, for staying true to your vision and making it pay off.  Looks like my $140M worldwide BO estimate is right on target as Flex’s little venture gets bumped off for another film opening this month, and I can’t wait to see the opening weekend on that one.

FURTHER RESTORATIONS OF FAITH

France overwhelmingly rejected Jean Marie LePen’s gospel of hatred, Burma’s freed Aung San Suu Kyi from house arrest, the Church of the Nativity stand-off is ending, K. J. Choi broke through at Nawlins, the Mariners turn the Noo Yawk Yankers into their bitches…humanity can occasionally pull some pleasant surprises out of their collective hat.  Almost enough to make me feel good about my fellow human being…nah, I still need drugs for that.

Speaking of needing drugs, it’s on to Raw.  There’s a great side game to be played with tonight’s episode:  see if you can figure out who was involved in the “incident” aboard the plane heading back from England by who gets pushed/depushed/unexpectedly jobbed…

THF SHORT EORM

As always, go over to Keith and PK if you need more.  But why should you?

Match Results:

Jazz over Trish Stratus, No-DQ Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, Steviekick; Buh Buh Ray Dudley over Stevie Richards, Pinfall, Buh Buh Bomb, New Hardcore Champion; Raven over Buh Buh Ray Dudley, Pinfall, Evenflow, New Hardcore Champion; Justin Credible over Raven, Pinfall, Superkick, New Hardcore Champion; Crash Holly over Justin Credible, Pinfall, missile dropkick, New Hardcore Champion; Trish Stratus over Crash Holly, Buh Buh Ray trashcan shot, New Hardcore Champion; Stevie Richards over Trish Stratus, Pinfall, Buh Buh Ray table bomb, New Hardcore Champion):  Dammit, I hate when shit like this happens.  Lost amidst all of the hardcore nonsense was the fact that this was Step One in the process of weakening Jazz to the point where she can be beaten by Tits du Jour without it being forced.  How weak must you be to rely on Stevie Richards to win a match for you?  Not counting Raven, of course.

Billy Brass Knucks over Spike Dudley, European Title Match (Submission, vertical ankle lock, New European Champion):  And welcome back, D’Lo!  Honestly, a Regal-Brown feud over the Eurostrap is probably the best thing that could happen to it.  Brown is the guy who made the Eurostrap legitimate, and those of us who were around at the time could tell you that Regal was the best thing to ever happen to the WCW TV title.  These two know how to make a tertiary belt seem like the most important thing in the world, and I’m looking forward to this one.

Brock Lesnar over Shawn Stasiak (Pinfall, Whateverdriver):  I’m sure there’s some puro name for Lesnar’s move, but I’m not motivated enough to find out what it is.  I like PK’s “Swinging Pancake”, though.  I may use it myself.  Memo to Rick McBride:  oh, yeah, Lesnar getting “Goldberg” chants is truly priceless.  May we hope that if Goldberg comes back, he starts getting “Lesnar” chants?

Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy over Booker T and Eddy Guerrero (Pinfall, Van Dam pins Guerrero, Five-Star Frog Splash):  Ever imagine what an All-Japan tag match would be like if it was adapted to a North American-style TV match?  This sorta answers the question.  Despite the presence of Jeff Hardy, I wouldn’t mind too much if this one was given some expanded PPV time, and if any Goldust involvement was eliminated.

Steve Austin, Bradshaw, and Ric Flair versus Scott Hall, X-Suck, and The Big Show (ND, bullshit):  I’ll hold off on my opinions of that until I can have more time to express them, I think.

Angle Developments:

Banana Fanna Fo Fanna:  Gosh, those multiple Hardcore Title changes was such a subtle way of getting the WWE monicker out there, huh?  You could even hear Garcia get sick of it during the process.  She started out heavily emphasizing the “WWE” on each title change and then went back to a normal cadence.  By the time the Eurostrap match hit, she was sick of saying it, and you could tell.

The Big Shoot:  TBS’s promo was the first time that I’ve actually enjoyed him outside of his Showster persona.  It must have really hurt him to have been blown off for WM this year in favor of hosting duties at WWFNY, and he didn’t bother disguising it.  Of course, any good feelings about this were destroyed by the happenings in the main event, but it was nice while it lasted.

Pulling Out The Welcome Mat:  I think I finally found a valid comparison to Hogan’s comeback:  Laura Branigan’s cover of ABBA’s “The Winner Takes It All”.  Actually, that’s not fair to Branigan, who left music for a legit reason (dying husband).  Hogan never had the grace to leave.  Well, we still have memories of “Gloria” and WM6.

AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…

You know what?  I’ll leave you in suspense with that until tomorrow.  Truth is, the main event on Raw was so awe-inspiring, I fell asleep and I’m running late.  So, tomorrow, my feelings on Goldberg, Flair’s turn, and other things.  Until then…