A Wrestling News Report 5.09.02

Goddamnit!

Sorry about last week. I had finals. Truth is I still have finals, but I am a procrastinating king, and I might as well be writing this report.

Goddamnit!

Sorry. I’m pissed. I’m angry. The gave him a real chance. They put him up against arguably their biggest star on their biggest show of the year. He said he wouldn’t drink anymore. He said he was taking pills or something. He said so much and did so little. He earned his release.

Damnit.

There are way too many Scott Hall’s walking this Earth. Deadbeat drunk dads who just want one more chance so they can make it right. I hope Scott realizes that this was it. He’s not the young man he once was. The man who redefined the ladder match with Shawn Michaels still has what it takes to get it done in the ring, he just doesn’t have as much of it anymore. He used to be great. He’s now average. The WWF doesn’t need an average drunk hanging around.

Damnit.

I double dog dare ya, Nash. Give a shout out to Scott on Raw. See if Vince will put up with the same crap your old bosses did. I bet you and Sean and Shawn have gone to bat for Scott so many times. I bet you vouched for him on more then one occasion. He’s betrayed you, all of you. It’s time to let him go.

Damn.

There is so much pain in being a pro wrestler. You hardly see your family, you hurt every night, your real home is a different hotel room by the airport. Some turn to pot, some turn to pills, some turn to the bottle. If there is any lesson to learn from this, it’s that you should do it AFTER THE SHOW! NOT BEFORE THE SHOW, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU GODDAMNED DRUNK!

GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKER!

Sorry. We all have our problems. I hope that Eddy doesn’t follow suit. I hope Kevin doesn’t walk out after his friend. I hope that Scott Hall’s children don’t grow up to be like Jake Robert’s child. But I don’t hope that Scott Hall can beat this. I have no hope for Scott anymore. Whether it’s my right to think this, not knowing the man, I grew up as a fan of his. I was happy to see him back and healthy. I truly thought he’d make it this time. He truly let me down. I bet I’m the least of them.

News.

Junk news. HuzzFUCKYOUSCOTTHALLah!

In case you haven’t heard, Scott Hall was fired from the WWE. The funny thing is that he actually wasn’t! See, he heard the new slogan, “Get the F out!” He was pretty wasted at the time and took it as a legal firing.

Lance Storm released the following statement following Scott Hall’s firing. “What? I was fired?! Oh! Scott Hall. Airplanes suck!” After a protest from the airline industry, Lance Storm was fired as well.

Kevin Nash did a promo with his watch that was cut from Raw. As a result, Lance Storm was fired.

That was the last Patterson . Um Lance Storm joke of the evening! Two in a row is enough!

Shut up! We have completely different styles! For instance, he’s funny.

Hogan kissed Jericho’s ass on the Bubba Love Spongey something radio show. Silliness ensued when Hogan could not get his headset to work and Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler had to kill time.

The XWF hope to announce a tv deal soon, but the folks at Oxygen are getting awfully squeamish about the whole thing.

Somebody cut off Michael Haye’s hair on a plane in the UK. Scott Hall was not said to be involved, which whittles down the suspects. Let’s see Hogan’s back the show’s have been getting progressively worse MY GOD! ED LESLIE HAS RETURNED! THE BARBER HAS COMEBACK AND SHAVED MICHAEL HAYE’S HEAD!

This just in the culprit was actually Lance Storm. He was fired an hour ago. More on this as I get details.

The ratings for Raw went up .2. Yeah, you’ll show em, Scott. Just wait till next week when they see their 4.6 turn in to 0.0! So goes Scott Hall, so goes the Hallimanaics!

Bubba Ray Dudley’s personal problems have greatly improved. He is now said to be, and I quote, “Happy as a clam.” More details on this as it develops.

Okay. UT-Hogan is going to suck donkey nuts. We recognize this and accept it. But HHH is going up against Jericho in Hell in a Cell. This is your chance, Chris. Don’t Hall it.

Tune in for Smackdown for D-Von gets a Deacon Day! It’s delightful!

Godfather seems to be going the heel route. Wasn’t he a face? I should watch Jakked or something.

Mark Henry and Randy Orton’s pushes come to a close on Smackdown this week. Randy Orton blames the liberal media. Mark Henry sighed, began to cry, and then cashed his huge mother f*cking check he gets for doing nothing.

Did you know there is an online WWF strategy game? I’m gonna check this thing out. Oh man! It’s some kind of gay online card game. That’s queer.

Did I say WWF strategy game? I must have meant WWE!

The WWF was gracious for the decided name change of the ex-WWF now known as the WWE. The WWF wishes to thank such organizations as the WFW and the EWF for their involvement. IMO, the WWE or WWF can call themselves whatever they want, so long as they don’t take the name of WCW or ECW. Just mind you ABC’s and XYQ’s and this who FUBAR situation will be AOK. Find out more about the WWF, WWE, NWO, XWF, NBA, ABC, NBC, NCAA, AAA, NWA, MLB, AEP, and FTE on the Internet. The Internet: WE’VE GOT EVERYTHING!

This just in: Bubba Ray Dudley is not “Happy as a clam.” That information was leaked to me by embittered former WWF employee Lance Storm. Lance, you’re not helping anyone with your lies. Try to get on with your life, and for God sakes, get that Canadian stink off of you!

Jesus. The envirofreaks are still bitching about the WWE. Hey, Panda humpers, I knew the difference before the name change and it’s more clear now. Your bitching is stupid. Go hump a tree or something.

Kevin Kelly hates gay people. As a result, Lance Storm was fired. He will not be missed.

I’m not going to lie to you guys. I’m just trying to get him to send me an e-mail telling me to stop. That would be awesome!

Oh, and did you read his commentary last week? “Blah blah blah KIDS! Blah blah blah PRIORITIES!” Hey, Lance, you want to be the next Joshua Grutman? THIS IS A FULL TIME JOB, BITCH! Except when I have more important things to do.

Widro made sweet love to Scott Keith the other day.

Oh, lot’s of Goldberg stuff this week. Hey, anyone who used 9/11 as an opportunity to attack the WWF is AOK in my book! Goldberg for f*cking President!

Goldberg, I’m going to pay you the highest compliment I can. You make me want to be a self-hating Jew.

Hey! Hennig was fired. See, now this I just find funny. He was going to be the next Ric Flair, but he made a choice and instead became another NWO member. Then he had the best angle in the whole New Blood thing (lose a match and he’s fired) and instead turned heel. Then he became the WWA or something Champion and left for the WWF. He’s now fired for almost killing every WWF star who was on that plane. Yeah, that’s a fitting end.

Goodbye Curt Hennig

You survived Triple H and Stone Cold

But then you attacked Brock

And the plane almost did fold.

And I like to think that you were fired

Not flailing in wind

You didn’t fall out of the jet

And bounce off the fin.

You had so many chances

More then Scott did

You Perfect drunk you f*cked up

Now get out of here, kid.

Goodbye, Mr Perfect! Say hi to Jeff for me, you drunken idiot who almost killed Brock Lesnar and Triple H! Bye!

PLUGS

Widro, Ash, some notes. Williamson eh. Needs work. Barron drop the star system and you’re fine. Why doesn’t anyone do the 1 through 10 rating system? Metcalfe I don’t get the Japanese stuff. ME SO SOWWY! Sydney Brown is that a girl? Regardless, good stuff. Boyle chick rules. When did the girls get so good? Is this all boys club being broken up? Will I be replaced by a woman? Or worse, PK?! Only time will tell.

Oh, yeah, check out the figures sections! As the fun and kind of crazy Edge would say, “Toys Rules!”

Ron hates wrestling.

Lewtasky answers your queries.

Widro sets the record straight on Goldberg.

In Praise of had me. It was talking about how giving Bret the title suddenly was a great decision, one that should be made today. Then he revealed who it was and it made no sense. Bret had just main evented Summerslam. He had some star power. Just a little. You’re choice is a fine wrestling and from what I understand a good human being, but he’s getting fired tomorrow.

SCHOOL’S DONE! I PLUG ME! I need sleep. Goodnight.