A Wrestling News Report 5.16.02

Last week was a big news week. Lots of stuff hit the fan. By stuff, I of course mean poopie. In light of the major events of last week, I thought since no one else on the Internet did this, I should chime in with an opinion on the current state of the WWE.

First of all, and probably the most important question to each fan as it relates to the WWE, am I still able to watch it? Yes. Not only am I able to watch it, I look forward to it. I still listen to Raw on scramblevision and watch it later in the week on tape, and I still watch Smackdown.

Second of all, is it a good product? Let’s break this one down.

Second of all a, is Raw a good product? Once the most entertaining part of the WWE, I now dread seeing Stone Cold on my television. He has his pick of people to work with, yet he persists with the owner vs. Rebel Stone Cold angle. If I ever go to a show again, I plan on bringing a sign that reads, “WHAT? Are You Rebelling Against?” Now that Booker T is NWO, we might get some decent matches, but it’s been awful besides that. And what the hell is with Bradshaw’s push to semi-main event status? I thought RVD was dropping the IC title so he could have that spot? Anyway, outside of the main event and semi-main event spots occupied by the Texans, Raw has been pretty good. Booker T and Goldust have gone perfectly together, The Hardyz, despite Jeff dying of some kind of horrible disease that slowly eats a person alive, have been great, RVD and Eddie have been fun, Regal is always great on the mike, I hope I’m seeing the beginning of a single’s star in Bubba, and Brock Lesnar is making a very good Rhinberg the Rookie Plane Fighter. I’m not thrilled with the whole product, but I can’t say I don’t enjoy it.

Second of all b, is Smackdown a good product? Yes. I remember a long time ago with Nitro, I would watch for Jericho. There was no other reason, just Jericho. On Smackdown, I still watch for Jericho. I also watch for Angle, Edge, The Hurricane, Rico (I know, I’m sorry), Tajiri, Billy Kidmen, and that’s almost it. While Hogan also appears on Raw unfortunately, and it has been unfortunately due to the horrible Hogan-UT skits as of late, it’s on Smackdown that I’m able to enjoy Hulk Hogan again. Whether it’s Jericho mocking the hell out of him or Hogan doing the bald bit with Angle or even Hogan “befriending” Edge, it’s been enjoyable to watch him on that program.

While I think that Raw and Smackdown should trade the European and Tag Team Titles, it’s not important. I can’t wait for Hell in a Cell on Sunday if I get back from Preakness in time. I think that RVD and Eddie are going to have a great series of matches. I think that Hogan vs. Undertaker is going to be the greatest match of all time. I think it will shock us all, featuring what I understand will be more motorcycle tom foolery. MORE! Sorry. I’m serious and all net like now, I forgot. Anyway, I believe that when Trish and Stacey fight for the Woman’s title featuring Dudley tom foolery, we will all feel blessed to be alive. Sorry, serious trying to be cannot fight urge ARGHH! JOSH FUNNY MAD! JOSH SMASH WWF! WWF! NO E! JOSH SMASH E! JOSH SMASH HOGAN UNDERTAKER BICYCLE FEUD! BAD! JOSH SMASH STONE COLD BIG SHOW STUPID STUFF! JOSH SMASH BROCK LESNAR BEING FORCED ON US! BAD! BAD! JOSH SMASH! JOSH SMASH VINCE MCMAHON AND STACEY SKETCHES! BAD SKETCHES! VINCE DISGUSTING! VINCE BAD! JOSH SMASH! ARGH! NEED BEER! BEER GOOD! DRINK 2! ARGH! Argh. Argh.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

I feel better. Unfortunately my drinking has become a problem and Widro has been forced to fire Lance Storm.

Many in Hollywood are pressuring the Rock to quit wrestling. Trust me Rock, you’ll want a back-up for Hellderablo.

Chyna will be boxing Joey Buttafuco. Trust me Rock, you’ll want a back-up for Hellderablo.

Raw did an awful rating. Lance Storm was fired.

There was today’s junk news! Those three lines were sure worth possibly alienating me, weren’t they? Now for the old junk news.

Tonight on Smackdown, D-Von faces Maven in what Scott Keith is already calling the basis for his new book, which you can preorder at Amazon.com! We’re gonna break into double digits this time, Scotty Net Coppy!

Lance Storm loses. If this angers or surprises you, eat me.

Edge and Triple H apparently have a nice little conversation. Edge is climbing up that ladder, barely moving out of the way to dodge a plummeting Chris Jericho.

The injuries continue to pile up as Jazz is now out with a severed penis for 4-6 months. HAHAHAHAHA! SHE’S HURT AND I CALLED HER A MAN! I’m the king of all humor.

I was mugged the other day, and it was an honor and a pleasure to meet Booker T.

There’s something confusing about the web searches as far as WWE WWF goes. I don’t get this internet search bullhock! BULLHOCK I SAY! BUUUUULLLLLLLHOCK!

Lance Storm admits that he is nuts in his latest column. Is Lance Storm really the one who’s nuts? Yes.

Turns out that X-Pac was the one who cut the mullet off of Haye’s head on the plane ride from Hell. X-Pac was being admonished by WWF officials when he replied, “You think you can tell me what to do? MAKE SOME NOISE!” X-Pac then did several crotch chops before running away, right into a wall.

Willow ripped Warren’s skin right off his torso on Buffy. Awesome visual. Sabrina should do that shit.

The NWA is interested in signing Mr. Perfect, Scott Hall and Bret Hart. Here are the responses to Jeff Jarrett’s phone call.

Mr. Perfect: What? Huh? Nude Wrestling Alliance? I’m oh, hi Jeff. What? I can’t hear you. SPEAK UP! OW! Why are you shouting? Oh man. Yeah, I could use a job. Wha? Scott? He’s right here. We’re in the same bed for some reason. Last night was wild. Scott! Phone call! SCOTT! SCOTTTTTT! Here, take the phone.

Scott Hall: Hey yo? Jeff! I love you man. I gotta vomit! BLEEECH! What’s this white stuff? I gotta go.

Bret Hart: Hello? Hey Jeff! A job offer? Ms. Cleo was right!

Sad. Sad sad sad.

Man, Willow and Buffy fight next week! I hope it degenerates into a making out session. Man, that would be so hot.

The WWE is having major attendance problems. Somebody ask me how low the attendance is? Somebody? Anybody? FINE! YOU DON’T GET MY HOW LOW THE ATTENDANCE IS JOKES!

The WWE may take the belt off of Hogan at Judgement Day and put it on the Undertaker. Wow, what an exciting change of pace! Really folks, it’s like choosing Nsync instead of the Backstreet Boys.

Oh, let me talk about the NWA for a second. 40 bucks a months for Wednesday PPV’s featuring Slapnuts, Konan and the drunks from the WWE. This is going to be the biggest failure in the history of wrestling. I mean that. This is biggest mistake anyone has ever made. “Hey, I have an idea! While wrestling as a whole is on a major decline, let’s start a new wrestling program that costs 10 dollars to watch! Also, let’s put it in the middle of the week! Let’s also sandwich it between 4 hours of free wrestling with real stars!” This should, by all rights, ruin the Jarret family. My only hope is that Goldberg is somehow involved in this abortion so that he can sink with this ship.

Hey, that online strategy game rules! Go click on it or something. It doesn’t even get the f out! WWF Wrestlers: Gotta Catch Em All! YUGIOH!

Lance Storm was involved in a horrible fishing boat accident. He is survived by no one.

Chris Jericho hosted off the record or something. Things were going well, until Fozzy something or the other attacked Jericho and host Michael Landsberg in one of the most confusing segments in the history of television.

Junk News is finished.

DOG APE AND MAN DISCUSSES WWE IN STRANGE NEW RAVENESQUE PROSE

I rise from the sewer.

I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

Dog.

Ape.

And Man.

THE WWE HAS TURNED ITS BACK ON THE FREAKS!

The WWE has turned its back on the fans.

I rise from the sewer as DOG!

APE!

AND MAN!

I am so high right now. My movie project is in the gutter. It’s done. It’s all done. It’s finished. Somebody flushed a big thing of ecstasy down the toilet and it whacked me in the head. It’s not the good stuff either. I’m so gone. I’ve been watching the best of midget wrestling or something I had on tape for the past three days. Only I don’t have a VCR. Or a tape. I’m not sure if I’m alive or dead. You know, this never happened before I got started with 411wrestling.com. I used to just run from crowds, eat rats and bugs and live in the sewer. Now I gotta drug problem, my this is stupid. Really, this is just dumb. It was funny at first, but it’s just not working now.

I apologize to everyone who had to read this. I guess I felt so unpopular in real life, this character seemed like a nice outlet for my problems. It has run its course. Thanks for reading. This is Scott Keith.

DAM, you’re not Scott Keith.

I know, I’m seriously tripping and my tail is going to wag off! I AM DOG, APE AND MAN! Also, I have my own t-shirt store now. If you’d like info, write to Joshua Grut and he’ll tell you where to get them.

PLUGS!

Ron is back with the world according to him.

The Lyrical Stunt is back.

In Praise of is back.

411 has an indie update or something on Sharkboy.

Clara Flynn Boyle rules. Bob Barron is exactly like Scott Keith.

I don’t know what’s going on. I was always treated with a certain level of respect by Widro. I made jokes about him, but I always respected him. If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this report. It seems that from his side, that respect has completely disappeared. Maybe it’s warranted. Fan mail has completely dwindled to the point that it hardly exists. This isn’t me bitching, I’m simply saying. On the other hand, when I needed you guys the most you were there for me. I’m not sure if you care whether I do this or not, so I’ll take the decision away from myself and leave it to you. I owe you guys that much. Quite simply, e-mail me if you want me to continue to do the news. E-mail me if you want me to stop and concentrate on my wrestling tales. E-mail me if you want me to stop both. I leave it to you.