A Wrestling News Report 5.23.02

I’m not an emotional person. You’ve spoken, and it’s time to say goodbye at the end of the column. First, let’s do some news.

JUNK NEWS. Huzzah.

Davey Boy Smith, The British Bulldog, died on Saturday at the age of 39. Like most of the other internet people, I bet he’s in Heaven wrestling with Owen right now. Either that or threatening to kill Jesus. I’m not sure.

I read someone on the site, I think Pat Brower. Anyway, he said that he liked Davey until he found out what a scumbag he was. Davey Boy Smith had an addiction to drugs because he wrestled, because he was slammed on a steel door because of the worst angle in the history of wrestling. He was also cleared of all charges brought against him by the crown. More than that, one of the last things he did was wrestle in a tag team match with his son and have dinner with the Hart family. I’ve got nothing against Brower, and I have no complaints about judging the dead. There’s sometimes more then meets the wrestling webpage.

Bret Hart has not released a comment on Davey Boy Smith’s death yet. He promises to as soon as he talks to him through a second rate psychic.

In a hilarious mistake, Davey Boy Smith may be reincarnated as an actual Bulldog! Not the breed of dog, but instead the bi-product of a bull sleeping with a dog. It will be killed out of pity.

X-Pac and Kevin Nash threatened to quit over the direction of the NWO. The WWE caved in. Let’s look at this two ways.

First of all, maybe this wasn’t the worst power play to pull. The NWO had become a joke before Kevin Nash’s promo on Raw, one of the strongest parts of the show. Maybe more of the WWE wrestlers need to stand up to the writers and say, “If you don’t use some common sense and fix this crap, we’ll walk away.”

Second of all, the WWF should have fired them all, save for Booker T, because they all suck. So there are two ways of looking at this. Choose your own way and go with it, but choose carefully. This is the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life.

By the way, to everyone who thinks this means imminent disaster for the WWE, think about this. Austin is fighting Guerrero. So the NWO will show their dominance over RVD and the Hardyz. That’s all they have. I wouldn’t worry too much about it yet. We’ll see.

Raw did a 3.7 this week. Vince McMahon called Lance Storm into his office. “Lance,” Vince McMahon said, “Would you like to tell me why my product did a 3.7 rating?” “I don’t know, I’m not on Raw,” replied Lance. “Thank you, Lance,” said Mr. McMahon. Lance Storm left the office without incident.

Chris Benoit and Rey Misterio Jr. are both expecting to be involved with the WWE soon. Rey Mysterio Jr. could be the person sending the notes to Hurricane, while Chris Benoit could be the one held down by Kevin Nash. WHERE’S HIS MUSIC VIDEOS, VINCE?

Steve Austin apparently pushed for his program with Eddie Guerrero. He also pushed for it to begin idiotically in a bar due to Eddie stealing the song “Shameless” away from him. Billy Joel had no comment, but instead cried for us all.

Velocity looks to be off to a great start, headlined by Val Venis vs. Bob Holly. Wow, that’s a great main event in 199… in… wow. I guess that was never any kind of main event. Poor Val. They real tried to push him to the moon.

When wondering why Venis was never able to get over completely, Vince McMahon called Lance Storm into his office. “Lance,” Vince McMahon said, “Would you like to tell me why Val Venis has never really gotten over despite his initial appeal and porn star gimmick?” “Maybe he just lacks that certain it,” replied Lance Storm. “Thank you, Lance,” said Mr. McMahon. Storm left the office without incident.

Smackdown stuff now.

Triple H and Lance Storm have a match. Responding to the NWO situation on Raw, Lance Storm tried to pull a power play and refused to do the job to Triple H. Lance barged into Vince McMahon’s office and said, “It’s time for a change, Vince! I’m here, I’m ready to step up and save this company! All you have to do is… is that a pink slip? Hey, look, would it be okay if I got some offense in? Why is security surrounding me? I tell you what, how about I let him no sell all my offense, take a pedigree and lose the match in under a minute? We cool? Awesome!” Lance Storm left the meeting without incident.

Test fights Randy Orton in what Scott Keith is already calling his mother and asking her why she spanked him to the age of 18.

Edge and Christian fight Angle and Maven. E and C finally reunite! This is great for the WWE, and probably great for the careers of… oh. Whoops. Never mind.

Rikishi fights D-Von in the battle of the nothing.

Hurricane fights Chavo and Hurricane finds beef jerky. I don’t get it.

In the main event, Chris Jericho gets killed by Mark Henry and then Hogan speaks. Wow! Smackdown looks incredible!

The NWA signed Mike Tenay to complete the announcing team. Mike Tenay?!?!?!?! Take my ten dollars! You don’t even need to give me the product, just take my 10 dollars!

They’ve also signed a bunch of the WWA midgets. Jerry, Jeff, give me a break. You can’t possibly expect people to pay for this, can you? Do you? Jeff, I’ve been a fan of yours for a while. Apologize to the wrestlers and stop this now. This is an exercise in futility, you rednecked idiot.

Undertaker apparently showed his true heart by fighting RVD with a hip injury. But he looked so spry and agile! I find it incredible that he could do those flips and jumps with a badly hurt hip. Undertaker is the guy who looks like he’s always high, right?

This just in! X-Pac quit in protest on Monday. Kevin Nash never came close to quitting. Scherer is passing this off like it’s no big deal. Eric S. sees it as the worst thing to ever happen to wrestling. I think it’s so stupid that we dwell on this at all. All of this crap. I mean, a threat to quit and a slight changing of an angle became the biggest story of the year so far. We’re pathetic, all of us. We’re pathetic for caring. We’re pathetic for reporting it. I’m pathetic for making jokes about it. Pathetic, PATHETIC, PATHETIC!!!!!

But not as pathetic as Lance Storm, who was dragged out of Titan Towers kicking and screaming like a baby after being fired for taking a dump on Vince’s desk. He thought the two of them had become “friends.”

Good news! Buffy no longer wants to protect Dawn. She now wants to show Dawn the world! And Willow’s not evil anymore! And Jack’s wife died! That was one of the best endings of any television season ever. You watched 24 thinking it was going to end with a big family hug or something. They went in a very different direction. What’s that? Wrestling stuff? Okay.

A preliminary report has Davey Boy Smith dying of steroid use. Still taking steroids at the age of 39. Doesn’t it get to the point where enough is enough? Well, it should.

Vince Russo is writing a tell all book about his experience in the WWF. The working title is, “Cream or Sugar, Mr. McMahon? Also, I Have an Idea… I Can See You’re Busy.”

When informed of the book that Vince Russo was writing, Vince McMahon fired Lance Storm.

The WWE is now considering on bringing in Goldberg out of desperation. Yeah, that sure saved WCW, just like the NWO did. Hey, how about some wrestling? How about a major angle taking place in the ring instead of at a bar? How about every main event hero not being in a feud with the boss? How about some common sense? That might do the job where Goldberg won’t. I’m just saying.

Wow. That’s the last bit of junk news I have to report on. Junk News. Huzzah.

Plugs

Fight Club is back and spotlighted.

Time for a Take is also back but not spotlighted.

Art smokes up a fatty and pulls out a Lyrical Stunt.

Carlos reviews the card game here.

Goodbye.

Well, what can I say? I asked you to tell me what you wanted, and you told me. 213 people wrote to me, and a vast majority made their voice clear.

210-3. I have no idea why you people like me so much, but you do. Oh, that thing at the top where I said that was the last bit of junk news I needed to report on? I meant today.

Sorry to screw with you a bit. Sorry I didn’t respond to most of the letters. There were letters that made me laugh and smile. There were letters that made me tear up. You people are great people, and I’m sticking with you if you’ll stick with me. It’s just a stupid wrestling report, but when I know how you feel about me it stops being a chore. It becomes a privilege.

But, I have not completely deceived you. You did make a consensus opinion clear about something else. It is time to say a goodbye to an old friend whom the majority of you despise.

DOG, APE AND MAN IS DEAD!

I AM DOG! I AM APE! I AM MAN! WOOF! EEK! HELLO!

Joshua Grutman has told me it is finally safe for me to venture out of my sewer. He has prepared the world for me, and I am finally prepared for the world. After years of beings a freak, I finally rise up and say AGH!

THERE HE IS! RIGHT WHERE GRUTMAN SAID HE’D BE!

I GOT HIM! PITCHFORKED HIM THROUGH THE TAIL!

SET HIM ON FIRE!

MOCK HIM! MOCK HIS UGLINESS!

DIRTY BURING APE DOG MAN!

YOU ARE AN ABORTION OF GOD!

OW! I AM DOG, APE AND MAN! WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME GRUTMAN?

CUT HIM UP! CUT THE FREAK TO PIECES!

CHILDREN! PLAY WITH DISGUSTING APE TESTICLES!

HAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHA!

TEEEEHEHEHEHEHE!

I . am .dog ape .and man. I just wanted love. I shall return

SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM UP AND CUT UP HIS BODY INTO 50 DIFFERENT PIECES!

Oh crap. Well, I had a good run. I AM DOG, APE AND MAN!

He was Dog, Ape and Man. No more of him. As always, thanks for reading. You guys rule. See you next week.