I own this town! I’m the mayor, I’m the governor, I’m the police, and the crime! And who the hell are you to change that!? – Maxxx Orbison, Orgazmo
That one’s for all my detractors, middle finger firmly upraised.
You know, this is one of those weeks where it’s great to be a sports fan. The NBA and NHL playoffs are in full swing, the French Open started yesterday (and as usual, Pete Sampras is already gone), Indy and the Coca-Cola 600 thrilled the motor sports fans, a great edition of the Memorial just concluded (with some incredible clutch play from Jim Furyk to win it), and the World Cup is starting up; heck, not even the death of Sam Snead could spoil that. My cartoon smark quota is being fulfilled by the annual June Bugs marathon on Cartoon Network starting Saturday (Bugs, of course, is God), and they’re complimenting it with an all-weekend Daffy Duck marathon this year for those few who have Boomerang (of which I am not among said). It’s been so good, even the truly shitty weather in Chicago finally warmed up on Sunday. So who the f*ck needs wrestling? Why should I put myself through the trauma of watching the two-hour parade of bullshit that passes itself off as Raw? Simple. I do it for you, the readers. Even though you behave like a bunch of ungrateful little bitches.
So, now that we’re established in “Pearls to Swine” mode, let’s get on with the festivities, shall we?
THE PIMP SECTION
Honestly, Hyatte, I thought the format was a house style for news columns when I came here.
Daniels comparing WWE to a stagnant pond reminds me of an old saying from my days in Army Preventive Medicine: “Water can be potable without being palatable”.
Cole is here with the International Report.
Benovitz is pimping indies and bragging about Rutgers. Hey, kid, my alma mater’s won 66 Nobels and a Heisman.
THE SHORT FORM
If you want a summary of the live coverage, PK has that. Keith was there, so he can tell you about stuff you didn’t see without having to go over to the Torch.
Spike Dudley and Trish Stratus over Billy Brass Knucks and Like A Virgin (Pinfall, Trish pins Molly, backslide): Well, with Jazz out, I guess that Trish/Molly is their best option for a women’s title match at KOTR. At least it’ll have some wrestling in it. Not a bad little opener. Not spectacularly great, which we deserve after last week’s mess, but not bad.
Terri Runnels over Stevie Richards, Jacqueline, the Big Bossman, and Shawn Stasiak, Backstage Hardcore Title Match (Pinfall, Taking Advantage Of The Situation, New Hardcore Champion); Stevie Richards over Terri Runnels, Backstage Hardcore Title Match (Pinfall, What Might Have Been Considered Foreplay Between Her and Dustin, New Hardcore Champion): You know, I shouldn’t even bother with this crap, but it’s in here for the sake of completeness. However, Stevie’s description of Jazz as “cute and cuddly” was great.
Booker T and X-Suck over Matt and Jeff Hardy, Win Or Get Out Of The NWO Match (Pinfall, X-Suck pins Jeff, X-Factor): It’s getting to the point where I’m FFing Booker matches now. Can we consider this crap with the Hardys over and done with? Can we also not have to see the Hardys for a few months?
Brock Lesnar over Buh Buh Ray Dudley (Pinfall, Ouch): You know, this could have been a great feud for both guys. Lesnar needed someone tough to sell him as someone other than the next Goldberg (did Goldie fight anyone as tough as he was before getting the US title?), and there are still doubts about Buh Buh being able to get over as a singles competitor. This could have drawn some money, perhaps even been extended out to SummerSlam. But they wrecked it by having Lesnar no-sell the Buh Buh Bomb. Sigh.
The Big Show over Bradshaw (Pinfall, Show Stopper): FFed it.
Goldust over Crash Holly (Pinfall, nice-looking suplex): See above. Hey, anything with NWO involvment gets FFed.
Rob Van Dam over Eddy Guerrero, Intercontinental Title Ladder Match (New Intercontinental Champion): Okay, loads of blown spots, but a great match nonetheless. Naturally, it isn’t the greatest IC Title Ladder Match ever (there was this thing called Wrestlemania X, if memory serves), but it’s the best free TV match in over a year. As for that idiot who ran in and upset the ladder (was that you, Scott?), suddenly I feel bad that Rikishi is on SD, because the Stinkface on this guy would have been a deserving punishment.
Is This The Way You Treat God?: Well, it’s great to see Benoit on Raw (for the last time), but throwing him in there with Guerrero and Flair during a promo? He was able to hold his own for a bit, but still. As for the “turn” at the end of the show, it only makes sense if he’s staying on SD. They’re a little weak on main-event heels over there (much as Raw is weak on main-event faces), and who better than Benoit?
Told You So: Remember when this whole angle started, I parsed the possibility of Molly actually still being a virgin, and said that her involvement with Spike Dudley didn’t contradict that? Well, she herself confirmed they never did it. However, that still doesn’t mean that Hardcore and Crash didn’t have their way with her.
Terminated With Prejudice: Well, the Tommy Dreamer Disgusting Behavior angle seems to be over now, courtesy of the Undertweener. That’s good, if only for the benefit of you being saved from me going off about bad food handling practices. It’s also good because from the perspective of “where can they go from here?”. The only way I could have seen them climax this one is having him licking out the contents of used condoms and taking a shit in the ring.
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
Well, it certainly took them long enough. The Torch is reporting that WWE’s writing crew will be split into two separate entities for Raw and Smackdown, with Brian Gewirtz heading the Raw crew and Michael Hayes and Paul Heyman handling Smackdown. Steph will be in charge of coordination, while Vince has final approval. Gee, who was it who said that Heyman should be in charge of the writing crew of the show he’s not appearing on? Don’t ever say that you don’t read me, WWE. Don’t ever say it.
So, Ol’ Horseface has a job again, huh? She’ll be working down in Memphis with the Jarretts, for some unknown reason. NinpuchuJubei is totally on my wavelength when he says that Francine’s non-stop ECW push is prima facie evidence of Heyman being gay, because no straight man would ever push THAT as being a “hot chick”.
Well, Ashish will keep you caught up during the day with other stuff, while I’m headed off for a day at the salt mines (yes, I overslept again, so I’m keeping it short). I’ll be back tomorrow with more crap. You enjoy yourselves. I’m sure I won’t.