A Wrestling News Report 5.30.02

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

As we all know by now, some idiot jumped into the ring and pushed Eddie Guerrero off of a ladder during his match against Rob Van Dam. The idiot was then tackled by security, which consisted of a bunch of incompetent rugby players. Eddie managed to get a shot in on the idiot, as did many of the embarrassed rugby players. I guess the lesson to be learned here is that as long as there are idiots who will chant “WHAT” at every pause in every wrestling show, there are idiots who do not realize they should not push people off of ladders, in or out of the ring.

The buck had to stop somewhere, and as a result of the ladder incident Lance Storm was fired.

RVD is said to finally be happy with the product. I’m surprised he wasn’t happy before. Every time I talked to him, he was just laughing at everything.

Maven broke a bone in his leg and will be out for two months. He was very optimistic when it happened, saying, and I quote, “OW! MY GODDAMNED LEG! OH GOD! THE PAIN!”

Dan Severn was stripped of the NWA title in order to prepare for the Jarrett disaster. Severn was furious, asking, “I was NWA champion? I mean, I know I was NWA champion before, but didn’t I lose it? When did this happen? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful title. This is not my beautiful mustache! AND THE DAYS GO BY! (Let Dan Severn drop the belt.) AND THE JARRETTS SUCK! (Severn is the lucky one.)

NWA has announced the signing of Lo Ki. In one of the few truthful things you’ll ever read from me, I actually had a brief chat with Lo Ki online. He responded twice, saying “Thanks,” and then, “Fun.” I’ll let you imagine what I said to him to get those responses. In fact, you write up the conversation and send it in! I’ll find the best one and put it in my column next week. Then you can tell all of you friends about it, you lucky bastards.

The NWA will find itself a new champion through a progressive battle royal. The smart money to win is currently on Has Been, although No Name has a good chance. Never Was is the dark horse, watch out for him!

The worst disaster in the history of wrestling. Trust me.

The creative/writing team has been split in two. Unfortunately or fortunately, the entire creative/writing team consisted of Paul Heyman. He will be sown back together and buried.

Steve Austin is unhappy due to a lack of attention from Vince McMahon. Steve recently went to a meeting with Vince with some ideas, including, “When I’m not on camera, everyone should be asking, ‘Hey! Where’s Austin?” The only one to agree with this was Raven, apparently.

Tonight on Smackdown, read Eric S. to find out what happens!

Police in Manchester are investigating the death of Davey Boy Smith. Davey Boy’s father pushed for the investigation, which most people in the Manchester police department feel does not warrant this kind of investigation. Finally sick of the old man, Manchester policeman Warrior showed Davey Boy’s father the door, just as he had to his son.

SPOILER ALERT! I just went into my fridge and had to throw some food away.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Lycos 50 is apparently making news of some kind, although I do not understand nor care what it is. Thanks to Aaron Schatz for sending that in!

Coming soon from the same people who brought us Aaron Schatz, Aaron Schitz!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He must have had an awful childhood. I apologize for humanity, Aaron Schatz.

Kurt Angle will be making celebrity appearances for K-Mart. WOW! First 1-800-Collect, now K-Mart! For a man whose whole character is based on greatness, he sure seems mired in mediocrity.

A corporation in Tallahassee in claiming to own the rights to the name World Wrestling Entertainment. Man, Vince just can’t catch a break, besides his millions of dollars and getting away free and clear from years of rampant steroid abuse, both within his company and on himself. Also, those sex scandals didn’t make much of a dent, did they? And he admitted to cheating on his wife, who was the person who directly caused his success, and he’s currently allowed to play a lecherous sex addict towards young, beautiful wrestlers on national television. But besides that, not a single break!

Scott Levy, better known as Raven, wrote an issue of Spiderman. In this issue Spiderman complains for 32 pages about how drab life is, and then jobs to the Vulture. I think that was that old bird villains name. I’ve read like 2 issues of Spiderman in my life outside of the Maximum Carnage thingy.

There’s this add for Six Flags great adventure on my tv right now. It’s Willa Ford singing “I Wanna Be Bad” and it ends with a seal, a BAD SEAL, jumping out of some water before firing Lance Storm.

Hulk Hogan is said to be thinking of drinking his own urine. More on this story as it happens.

THE RETURN OF ME AND ASHISH!

VPJG: You got time to do a bit for my column?

Stone9Cold: uh, ok

VPJG: It’s called “Me and Ashish.” I took out the conversations for awhile, but I think it’s time to bring them back.

VPJG: So, Ashish, what’s the deal with you and Widro?

Stone9Cold: what do you mean

VPJG: Well, the boys around the camp fire are talking. From what I understand, there may be a 411 brand extension.

VPJG: This is due to you and Widro no longer being able to work together.

VPJG: I’m not sure if this is the truth or anything. I’m just saying what I’ve heard.

Stone9Cold: hold on, in this “bit” do you want me to play along or actually shoot straight

Stone9Cold: brb

VPJG: That’s alright. We’re done here.

Stone9Cold: huh

VPJG: That was fine. Short and sweet. You got your personallity across perfectly. We’re wrapped. VPJG: How’ve you been?

Stone9Cold: not bad, you?

VPJG: Not bad. Looking for an agent, polishing up my spec scripts.

Stone9Cold: thats cool, what are they about

VPJG: One’s a Simpson episode, a parody of “A Beautiful Mind.” It’s coming along very well. I’ve just started work on a pilot called Debbie’s House. That’s just the working title. It’s coming along slowly. It’s about my friend who’s parents let their house turn into a free for all.

VPJG: How’re t-shirt sales?

Stone9Cold: lets just say 411 shirts arent the new fashion trend sweeping the nation

VPJG: That one shirt was a really good idea. I’ll plug it again, see if Hyatte’ll plug it.

VPJG: As long as we’re speaking of things don’t sell well anymore, Hyatte seems to have lost a step, hasn’t he?

Stone9Cold: I dont know, he still does huge hits

VPJG: Well, yeah! He’s Hyatte! People still give Hogan huge pops! Does that mean that Hogan is any good?

VPJG: I’m just kidding. I like the guy.

VPJG: The whole Scott Keith bashing may be a bit out of control. Have you thought about pulling in the reigns?

Stone9Cold: I dont care who bashes who as long as it doesnt cause any problems

VPJG: So I can bash the hell out of Widro?

VPJG: Give me the green light.

Stone9Cold: yeah I doubt he would care

VPJG: PK is kind of sensitive when it comes to the bashing

VPJG: How’s Texas in the summer?

Stone9Cold: hot

VPJG: I figured.

WIDRO SUCKS DONKEY!

PLUG BUTTS, I mean, Um, er, YOU WIN! FINE! JUST PLUGS, DAMNIT!

Buy the shirt. Honestly, it’s an awesome shirt.

By the way, you in NYC or Long Island and need some part time help? Joshua Grutman is available! I can do most anything from fetching coffee to getting donuts. Actually, I’m a pretty quick learner and I’ll talk about wrestling with you until you kick me out of the office and tell me to get my lazy ass back to work. I’m looking for some summer work until I become a famous writer. We’ll have fun.

Hyatte’s back doing the Midnight news. I read this interview with Jimmy Kimmel, saying that everything he got he got from David Letterman, who he’ll be going up against next year. He said he’d watch Dave instead of himself. Smaller scale, similar situation. Don’t miss it. By the way, I was trying to get Ash to say something controversial is all.

Benevitz is back with a Tornado DDT, in which he forgoes the top ten list and instead examines the phenomena that is the IWF. #1? RIC FLAIR!

If a tree falls in the forest and kills Forest Gump, does an angel get its wings? ASK 411!

My favorite other video reviewer, (No not Keith, Anderson. Keith is a distant third, which does not mean I don’t enjoy his work. I do.) Claire Flynn Boyle covers the Ultimate Warrior vs. Phil Collins. This girl rocks. I love you Claire. For those of you who don’t know, Claire played the waitress in that Foster’s MVP commercial.

Bob Barren reviews Souled Out. He and Scott Keith are the same person.

Pat, I wasn’t trying to insult you. I meant what I said. I have no qualms with judging the dead. Why should we gloss over their lives? As for Diana Hart’s book, while wife beating is never, ever acceptable, there are two sides to every story. One side will never be told. Whatever. The only thing I know for sure about this whole situation is that Pat Brower is a great writer. Go read the Velocity report.

See, dad? (I just found out that my real dad reads this occasionally, so not you, real dad. He hates wrestling. I don’t know why he reads this. Showing an interest, I guess.) Not everything has to become a drama.

A lot of you missed drunken Smackdown. I did a sober Raw. Maybe I’ll do a drunken Smackdown and send it in.

SOBER RAW THOUGHTS AS IT HAPPENS ON TAPE

Benoit is back! The gap is back! I must have missed the 80 music videos promoting his return. Either that or he’s not sleeping with the bosses daughter. Oooooooooh! Somebody has been working on their promos! Really, Benoit just showed more personality in his first few sentences on the mike then he has in his entire career.

Here comes Eddie. He missed Benoit. He missed Benoit’s jealousy. He missed Benoit’s gap. Eddie is great. Hopefully Austin won’t get what he wants out of Eddie and then dump him back in the midcard. Not much going on here. Last week Eddie was able to accomplish what Benoit never could. Eddie was able to sing Shameless badly. Still, you should hear Benoit sing The Ballad of Billy the Kid. It’s AWFUL! Benoit brings up his past ladder matches. I don’t remember him having a particularly great one. I mean, he was fine and all, but BENOIT’S SHIRT IS OFF! OH MY GOD! I’m literally squealing like a school girl here. Here comes Flair. Maybe he’ll take off his shirt too! I bet eventually it’ll get to the point that someone will chop Flair’s chest and his man boob will bounce back and forth for hours. Flair teases Eddie vs. Chris. He also teases Stone Cold showing up. He also teases JR, calling him ‘numbo’. Of course, Stone Cold’s not showing up, and Benoit is booted from the building. Benoit hits Eddie. Flair calls for security. Some guys in red shirts show up with security written on the back of the shirt. Benoit blindly charges at them, going forth with his new half man, half bull persona.

Benoit is shown the door, and my little brother has cut out the commercials! Ross rules! You rule, Ross!

Trish Stratus comes out, proudly hailing from Canada. That’s something to be really proud of, coming from Canada. Spike comes out. Mixed tag team joy! Welcome to the new Raw! William and Molly have a back stage vignette. Wow, they talked about their relationship! Wasn’t that 12 years ago or something? Spike attacks William. Spike with some botched top rope move. Spike punching. I can’t believe he has all this power after having his soul restored by that demon God thing. Spike wants to hit Molly, but instead tags in Trish. Trish with a boobsline. Spike distracting the ref for like five minutes so William Regal can attack Trish. Are there championships on the line here? Molly with some hair thing. Oh. Trish wins and it’s over. Regal gave molly the knucks. Molly hits Trish. REVENGE! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Molly and William Regal simulate oral sex in the ring.

So much for Ross taking care of the commercials. Ross sucks! You suck, Ross!

Just in case we forgot, we see Molly hitting Trish. Trish is now getting medical attention.

Steven Richards interview. He loves Jazz. He thinks Jackie wants to sleep with him. Jackie goes for the title. Bossman and Planet Stasiak get involved. Terri wins the hardcore title, setting up her Desire video for next week. Richards rolls up Terri, showing us what we’ve all seen before.

NWO stupidness. They’re all calling each other by initials and putting money at the end of their names. Booker T wants his music back. He wins his match, there may be a remix. Golddust was hiding out in the tub. Something happened to the audio. It’s gone. Stupid Ross.

Oh. It’s back. Stupid TNN. Smart Ross!

They play Booker T’s music despite him not winning the match. X-Pac is wearing Kane’s mask! Finally, the WWE is listening to the fans he took it off and did the tongue thing. 2.7 this week! Here comes the Hardyz, out to job for a better cause. X-Pac is going to start off with Matt. Who likes short shorts? Ba da da da da da da. Pac likes short shorts. Ba da da da da da da. Jeff Hardy should so be a poetry reading heal. I mean, the guy wrote a poem called the Amazing Telephone or something like that. This is a fun little match. POETRY IN MOTION! SPINAROONI! X-FACTOR! THE NWO WINS! MY GOD! MY GOD! Booker T isn’t happy. Now this is an angle. Make Booker T a face without taking him out of the NWO. I like that.

Paul Heyman is here to have sex with Trish Stratus, but nobody has sex with Bubba’s women! Bubba tries to throw Paul into a wall, but he throws him into a door. He tries the other wall, but throws Paul into a different door. So he tries the first wall again, but Bubba is surprised to find it’s still a door.

We cut to the Undertaker vs. Tommy Dreamer. I think I missed some stuff. Good job, Ross! Next time, don’t worry about the commercials. Undertaker wraps a chair around Tommy Dreamers throat and throws him into a post. Tommy was apparently trying to drink something. Tommy must feel crucified.

Bubba Ray Dudley apparently jacked up Paul Heyman against a wall. I hope Paul E is talking about the beat down. Brock Lesnar finally speaks! The word no is said. So let it be written, so let it be known.

I don’t know about Raw so far. It’s more of the same, but I never really hated the show that match. If I had to ask for one thing, more Goldust.

Who’s the new black guy in the 1800 Call ATT commercials?

The long awaited Brock Lesnar/ Bubba Ray Dudley feud is about to come to its thrilling conclusion. Someone is about to have their push killed. Lock up. TV14 warning makes a run in. Heyman telling Brock Bubba wanted to punk Brock out. They just had a replay of a punch. Who gives a crap? Bubba beating up Brock. The fans want tables. That is so two years ago. The fans are silent when Brock is winning. Now there’s some kind of weird bear hug. That actually gets the fans back into it, oddly enough. Brock with a belly to belly. Bubba with suplex of his own! Bubba with a flap jack! Bubba kicking ass! Bubba-bomb! Heyman distracts the ref, allowing Brock to recover. They named Brock’s move the 325. Brock Lesnar wins. I was wrong. This was a great match for both of them.

Why is Hogan on Smackdown if Undertaker beat him? Whoops! Never mind, Vince. I like everything you do and give us.

Raven is outside the building and gives the best goddamned promo the WWE has put out in at least 2 years about Stone Cold Steve Austin. It was intriguing. It was weird. It might be leading to something. It was different! IT WAS GODDAMNED ENTERTAINING! THEY’RE BACK ON TRACK! THE WWE IS DOING IT!

They follow this up with Big Show and Bradshaw. Christmas comes early for Scott Keith! Plancha by the Big Show! Bradshaw with the highest standing dropkick ever! Big Show with an asai moonsault! Bradshaw with a forget it. Big Show wins.

X-Pac and Booker T talk about how happy they are that they’ve won. Booker T calls X-Pac a ratty little sucker, completely making the short gay boy with a rat like nose who lives next door to me irrelevant. Goldust comes in all black and whited out. X-Pac feels the colors are disrespected, Booker T finds it funny. So Booker T is annoyed by Goldust, but seems to enjoy his company and knows that their interaction is funny, so he protects him. I like that. I like that a lot.

RVD congratulates Terri on winning the hardcore title. Nice little bit. She seemed surprised by him saying that and seemed to enjoy it. Now RVD talks about the ladder match and makes stupid metaphors.

We cut to the Fink talking to the Coach. I think Coach thought it was Stone Cold. GOOD JOB, ROSS!

Goldust comes out to fight Crash Holly, who redefines the term ‘lost in the mix’. The crowd is kind of dead. That was quick. The colors are melting off of his face. Lawler with a cute Wizard of Oz reference. Speaking of Oz, here comes Nash. Nash beats up Crash with a flash and a bash and then offers him hash and potatoes he’ll mash. Goldust runs off like a hundred yard dash, he should get some gray makeup so he’ll look like Slash. Nash stares at Goldust. This will not end well.

Eddie and Flair are talking. There’s some kind of welcoming committee waiting for Stone Cold. RVD is getting ready for the match. It’s on next. I’m just gonna watch it and then write about it.

The first half was nothing special. The second half, the sunset flip was amazing. An idiot fan ran in and pushed on the ladder. The fan got a pop and some light jokes from JR and Jerry Lawler, who usual bitch and moan about this stuff. Hey, the WWE will take whatever pop they can get these days. The match ended kind of abruptly, but it was a great one. Benoit turns heel? Okay. Hopefully they’ll trade him over to Raw or something. RAW RULED! 18 stars.

I’m exhausted. Go read Ashish.