The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant IV: No Subtitles Needed!
– It’s too friggin’ hot here tonight (30 degrees is a lot in Canada, you
know) so I’m up until 2 in the morning doing yet another 3-in-1 Coliseum
video review. This week’s victims: Best of the WWF #8, #9 and #13.
Best of the WWF #8.
– Opening match: Hart Foundation v. Killer Bees. Well, this is pretty
much an automatic point. They work very, very well together and did so
approximately 10,000 times between 1985 and 1988. Brunzell plays Ricky
Morton. At this point, Neidhart’s suckiness is covered by quick tags to
Bret. Hitman works mighty stiff here, drawing lots of “oohs” and “aahs”
for every shot that looks like it *really* hurt. Blair gets the hot tag
and is a house o fire. The crowd is seriously getting into this as the
Bees keep pressing. Blair goes for the pin…and the time limit
expires. Crap, it was getting really good. 1 for 1.
– Let the parade of crap begin!
– “Newcomer” spotlight: Dan Spivey v. Terry Gibbs. Gibbs dominates
Spivey, who is a dead ringer for Barry Windham. But without the talent.
Spivey makes the superman comeback and hits a bulldog. 1 for 2.
– “Newcomer” spotlight: Billy Jack Haynes v. Moondog Rex. Rex is Randy
Culley, aka the original Smash, aka Deadeye Dick of the Desperadoes. A
very, very loud “Boring!” chant is barely edited out by the production
crew. Repeat formula: Rex dominates Haynes, who makes the superman
comeback and wins with the full-nelson. 1 for 3.
– Junkfood Dog v. King Kong Bundy. Yeah, like I’m even gonna stop
fast-forwarding to watch the ending. JYD wins, who cares how. 1 for 4.
– “Newcomer” spotlight: Jimmy Jack Funk v. Tony Garea. This tape is
going downhill faster than Dusty Rhodes on a trip to Wong Foo’s All
U-Can-Eat $4.99 Buffet. Funk wins with something lame. 1 for 5.
– “Newcomer” spolight: Harley Race v. Lanny Poffo. It’s absolutely
laughable to hear them shill Race as a “newcomer” and Poffo as a “young
kid”. Race had zero heat because he…moves….very….slowly. No King
title at this juncture, either. Poffo tries a comeback, but Race can’t
sell the high-flying stuff properly and ends up with a cradle suplex for
the pin. 1 for 6.
– John Studd’s bodyslam challenge match, v. Jim Powers/Rick Hunter. If
either of the jobbers can slam Studd, they get $15,000. Studd
manhandles them and gets the pin, but Haku storms the ring and of course
slams Studd. 1 for 7. This is all setting up…
– John Studd v. Haku (King Tonga). Call him what you want, he still
sucks here. Kick and punch, then they fight outside the ring for the
DCOR. 1 for 8.
– “Newcomer” spotlight: Ted Arcidi v. Terry Gibbs. Total squash as
Arcidi kills Gibbs and gets the submission with a bearhug. 1 for 9.
– “Newcomer” spotlight: Hercules Hernandez v. Cousin Junior. A FUCKING
HILLBILLY! That’s just what I wanted to see. A spectacularly horrible
match which Hercules wins with a reverse rollup. 1 for 10.
– “From the archives”: Pedro Morales v. Adrian Adonis. Why? Kick and
punch, then they do the ol’ double-bridge-pin ending, giving Pedro the
win. 1 for 11.
– “From the archives”: Pat Patterson v. Lou Albano. Albano pulls
something out of his tights and Patterson grabs it and uses it on him
until he bleeds.
– Let’s try that one again, and this time GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE
GUTTER!
– “From the archives”: Pat Patterson v. Lou Albano. Albano removes a
foreign object, but Patterson knocks it out of his hands and grabs it
himself, poking Albano in the eye and drawing blood. Albano runs about
a minute in for the countout. 1 for 12.
– Jake Roberts v. Ricky Steamboat. Finally, something good. Both guys
are in their prime here. This is right after the DDT on the concrete
that started the whole blood feud. Steamboat is, of course, a god.
Roberts is gloriously evil. Jake just beats the hell out of Steamboat
but Ricky blocks the DDT and begins the comeback. Jake juices. The
idiot ref keeps preventing Steamboat from hitting Roberts, and there’s
some great sequences which incorporate the idiot ref. Finally,
Steamboat just tosses the moron for the DQ (justifiably). 2 for 13.
The Bottom Line: 2 for 13? Take a pass.
Best of the WWF #9.
– Opening match: I-C title: Randy Savage v. Ricky Steamboat. From
Toronto, late 1986. Savage and Steamboat take to battering each other
without the cool connecting sequences that made WMIII so damn great.
Savage bleeds a gusher. Steamboat with the KARATE CHOP OF DOOM for 2,
then Savage “trips” and rams the Dragon into the ref. Clumsy Macho.
Steamboat with a small package for 2. Backslide for 2. Steamboat
argues the point, giving Savage a chance to whip out his trusty knuckle
dusters and jam it into the Dragon’s eyes. Savage then ends up taking a
hellacious HOLY SHIT bump over the top to the floor via a blinded
Steamboat. Finally, they’re going to a double-countout, but Steamboat
suddenly regains his sight and rolls back in for the win. Awesome
match. 1 for 1.
– The Hart Foundation v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff. Someone must
have missed their flight to set up this one. Harts get the face pop.
Volkoff does the Chris Sheppard Pirate Radio Session Extended Russian
National Anthem Mix, prompting the Harts to attack. Nothing match.
Neidhart tries to slam Volkoff but Sheik hooks the leg and the heels get
the win. 1 for 2.
– Boot camp match: Cpl. Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff. Both guys suck
big greasy penises. The Corporal bleeds. He hits Volkoff with his boot
and gets the pin. Hardcore it ain’t. 1 for 3.
– JYD / Andre / Superfly v. Studd / Patera / Ventura. 50% of the
participants here are dead. The rest just suck. 1 for 4.
– Studd & Bundy v. King Tonga & Siva Afi. I think Bundy ate Afi for
dinner one night and that’s why we haven’t seen him in 10 years. King
Tonga is of course the “wrestler” currently sucking in WCW under the
name of Meng. Squash-a-go-go. 1 for 5.
– Cowbody Lang v. Lord Littlebrook. It’s a damn midget match. 1 for 6.
– $50,000 battle royale: Everyone one gangs up on Studd and Bundy and
knocks them out right away. This is the infamous battle royale
where…well, I won’t spoil it for you if you haven’t heard of it. The
proceedings pare down to Junkfood Dog fighting Greg Valentine for the
win…but wait, someone’s been hiding under the ring the whole time.
It’s Jimmy Hart, who rolls into the ring and waits until they knock each
other over the top rope…and is declared the winner! The loudest
BULLSHIT chant you’ll EVER hear ensues. Good for a laugh, however. 2
for 7.
The Bottom Line: Great Savage-Steamboat match and nothing else of note.
Best of the WWF #12.
– Opening match: Honky Tonk Man & Kamala v. Hulk Hogan & Koko B. Ware.
If you think WCW serves up shit as the main event *now*, take a look at
what the WWF used to give us. 10 minutes of terrible wrestling, and if
you can’t guess the ending and who gets the pin then you have no
business reading this review. 0 for 1.
– I-C title match: Ricky Steamboat v. The Honky Tonk Man. Yes, *that*
match. Steamboat destroys HTM, but Jimmy Hart is on the apron at the
critical moment, and when Steamboat goes for the small package, HTM
hooks the bottom rope and rolls them over for the pin (actually it was
only a two-count…the first count was for *Steamboat*) and the I-C
title! Not half bad, actually, and it was quite possibly the biggest
upset of the modern era. 1 for 2.
– Women’s title: Fabulous Moolah v. Debbie Combs. Moolah still calls
Terry Funk “that young punk”, or so I heard. 1 for 3.
– From the archives: Fabulous Moolah v. Joyce Graible. If you look
carefully, a 5-year old George Hackenschmidt can be seen in the front
row. 1 for 4.
– Halloween at Roddy Piper’s house. He wraps bricks as chocolate bars
and bowling balls as candy apples. Delightfully twisted. 2 for 5.
– The Islanders v. Demolition. This is either one of the last
appearances of Randy Culley or one of the first appearances of Barry
Darsow, it’s hard to tell. It’s around the time when both were playing
Smash, at any rate. The Demos stunk as wrestlers, sure, but they had
such an awesome ring presence that they were completely over by the end
of the match. Demos with the Demolition Decapitation. 3 for 6.
– The Islanders v. Powers & Roma. This match is to mark the transition
from the “good” Islanders to the “bad” Islanders. The main difference
is that Tama screams a lot more here. Tama with the big splash for the
pin. 3 for 7.
– Bret Hart v. Raymond Rougeau. From 1986 no less. Sorry, but it
sounds better on paper than it actually is. Hart lures Rougeau into the
corner and pins him ala Flair. Still good enough for a point. 4 for 8.
– I-C Title match: Randy Savage v. Tito Santana. Stall fest. Both
guys are busy playing ring-around-the-rosy outside the ring and Savage
beats the count. Yawn. 4 for 9.
The Bottom Line: Could have been full points if the mediocre stuff had
been just a *touch* better. As it is, still recommended for what did
work.
