The Coliseum Video Rant VII


The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant VII

– It only seems like last week that I did #6. Oh, wait, it was…

Tape #1: The Best of the WWF #20

– Your hosts are Sean Mooney and Brother Love.

– Opening match: Terry Taylor v. Brooklyn Brawler. Okay, I think this

is stretching the whole “best of” concept just a bit. As always, I

refuse to call him by the name given by the WWF. This is actually a

decent, if unspectacular, match. Steve Lombardi is very carryable.

Taylor controls 90% of the offense until they end up outside the ring

and Taylor goes into the post a couple of times. Lombardi is mainly

kick and punch on offense. Then onto the chinlocks. Ugh, no wonder

Lombardi is a jobber 4 life. Taylor with a belly to back but only gets

two. Small package for two. Backslide for two. More offense from

Lombardi until Taylor catches him with a sunset flip on a charge to the

corner for the pin. The fact that Taylor can carry Lombardi to anything

over * speaks very well of his talents. 1 for 1, but barely.

– Brutus Beefcake v. Bad News Brown. Brown attacks him and chokes him

out with his own jacket. Then he works on the throat some more and

argues with the ref the whole time. Beefcake comes back with some

punches, but Brown ends the offense quickly. Brown continues destroying

Beefcake, but misses a charge to the corner and Beefcake comes back

briefly. Brown back on offense until Beefcake hits the sleeper. Bad

News breaks easily and clotheslines him into unconsciousness, then calls

for the mike and badmouths Beefcake. He grabs the scissors from outside

and fights with the referee about it, allowing Beefcake to roll him up

for the pin. Weak ending. 1 for 2.

– King Haku v. Hacksaw Duggan. For whatever reason, Haku decided to

start “defending” the crown in mid-89. This was his first defense.

Oops. Standard kick and punch mid-card Superstars match, and it’s STILL

better than any of those crappy Duggan v. Meng matches we got this year

in WCW. Haku misses a splash and Duggan nails the three-point stance in

short order to claim the “King of the WWF” pseudo-title. As a bonus, we

also get the coronation from the week following. Duggan would hold that

esteemed title for, oh, a good month before being squashed by Randy

Savage. Savage would go on to hold the crown until his (first)

retirement in 1991. Ah, Duggan looked like he was having so much fun

I’ll be soft and make it 2 for 3.

– 16 man battle royale. Akeem is knocked out fast. The ongoing

marriages pair off with each other (Bret-HTM, Tito-Martel,

Taylor-Lombardi, etc). Curt Hennig is in it so he’ll probably win. No

one gets knocked out for a while. Bossman dumps Ax as I type that.

Smash dumps HTM and Bossman dumps Jim Powers. More of the usual battle

royale stuff going on. Richard Charland (a local jobber) and Owen Hart

are dumped next. Steve Lombardi is gone and most of the dead weight is

pretty much gone. I’d bet Hillbilly Jim or Terry Taylor should be next.

Yep, Valentine backdrops him over the top rope while standing on the

apron and then falls off, which eliminates both. Smash pulls out

Bossman and then gets pulled out himself, leaving Martel, Santana,

Hennig, Bret Hart, and Hillbilly Jim. Oops, Jim is gone. So the heels

and faces team up, and holy shit I’d kill to see THAT tag match. We go

Hart v. Hennig and Santana v. Martel. Double whip and Hart/Hennig

collide. Santana tries to push out Martel but Hennig dumps him from

behind, leaving Hart 2 on 1 against the heels. The heels slap him

around for a bit while Tito hangs around ringside and yells

encouragement. He of course pulls down the ropes when Martel comes off

and knocks him out. Hart quickly dumps Hennig to win the thing. Good

ending. 3 for 4.

– The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers. Brother Love is the

guest referee. Oh, great, now I’ll have that theme song in my head

again. Love stalls the match while he drones on and on about starting

when he’s ready. Finally Neidhart grabs the microphone and chases off

the Rougeaus to start the match. Jacques and Bret start, and as soon as

Jacques gets anywhere near the ropes Love rushes over to break. And a

Bret elbow results in a 9 second two-count. The counts for Jacques are

just a wee bit faster. Bret’s been scre…oh, never mind. The crowd

is seriously getting pissed off. Love argues the positioning of Bret on

the apron, allowing the Rougeaus to beat the piss out of Neidhart. This

is a VERY funny match. Love taunts Neidhart while he’s in a camel

clutch, completely ignoring the interference from Raymond. Neidhart is

continulously double-teamed until he finally gets the tag to Bret. FIVE

MOVES OF DOOM! Elbow gets two, but Love stops to tell the cameraman how

much he LOOOOOOOOVES him. Jacques rolls up Bret (who lifts his

shoulder at one) but Love counts three anyway. Bret’s been screwe…oh,

never mind. The Harts dump the Rougeaus, leaving Brother Love. Uh oh.

Hart Attack on Love and the crowd goes insane. Funny match. 4 for 5.

– WWF title match: Hulk Hogan v. Ravishing Rick Rude. This is from

late 87. Color commentator Jimmy Hart notes how much he hates “Real

American”, which is of course ironic because Hart wrote it. Bobby

Heenan notes that Rude is an arm-wrestling champion but nothing comes of

it just then. Rude shoves Hogan to the corner and drops down and yells

for an arm-wrestling match. Oh, lord. Hogan wins of course and then

something vaguely resembling a wrestling match starts again. Hogan

nails Heenan, of course. Standard Hogan formula, as Rude kicks and

punches on offense. Ref gets distracted and Rude whacks him with a

chair. Does nothing of note, however, as Rude simply chinlocks him

afterwards. Rude puts Hogan in the body vice and releases it because he

thinks Hogan submitted, but the ref disagrees. Rude to the top with the

flying fist for two, and it’s HULK UP TIME. Three punches, big boot,

legdrop, see ya. 4 for 6.

The Bottom Line: Decent tape, actually. Brown/Beefcake was a bit weak

and Hogan was his usual shitty self, but the rest was very watchable.

Tape #2: The WWF’s Hottest Matches.

– Opening match: Tito Santana v. Rick Martel. Apparently the literal

translation of “Arriba” is “swim faster, the border guards are coming”.

Bobby Heenan is a wealth of information. Martel misses a charge to the

corner and bungs up his knee, allowing Santana to work on it. Santana

goes for the figure-four but Martel pokes him in the eye. Martel chokes

him out and does the Piper slingshot-under-the-ropes move. Martel kind

of forgets about the knee injury as he goes to the top. Santana knocks

him off and makes the superman comeback. Slugfest, and Martel misses a

cross-body, giving Tito a two count. Small package for two. Backdrop

and flying jalapeno, but Martel gets knocked out of the ring. Martel

grabs Arrogance and sprays it in Tito’s eyes and gets the cheap win.

This was okay. 1 for 1.

– Clips of the Demos winning their first tag titles from Strike Force as

Alfred Hayes blithers on about the qualities needed to be tag champions.

We then go to clips of Andre and Haku winning the titles for their

pointless 1990 title reign. We get the clips of the Demos regaining

them at WM6, and then the Harts winning them at Summerslam. Pretty much

just filler. 1 for 2.

– The Rockers v. The Orient Express. Pier-six to start, but Shawn

quickly gets caught in the wrong corner. The Rockers go to work on

Tanaka’s arm soon after, however. The Express retaliates by doing the

same with no-tag switches. Those sneaky Japanese. Rockers with the

double-team arm wringer. Marty off the ropes and Tanaka kicks him in

the head, giving him the Ricky Morton role. Both teams are phoning it

in here. Sato is terrible. Kicks and chinlocks make up the bulk of the

heel offense. Double knockout. Jannetty with the hot tag to Shawn.

Superkick to Tanaka and a double noggin-knocker. Clothesline on Tanaka

for two. Double whip collision spot, but everyone rolls out of the ring

and a brawl erupts. The Rockers roll back in to beat the count. Bleh.

1 for 3.

– “Fan Favorite” match: Greg Valentine v. Dusty Rhodes. This is

Dusty’s debut in the WWF. Boring match. Long chinlock by Valentine.

Hammer chops him in the corner until Rhodes wiggles his fat enough to

get him going again. Figure-four, but Valentine pokes him in the eye to

block. Valentine with his own but Dusty rolls him up for two. Hammer

elbow for two and another chinlock. Dream comeback. Jimmy Hart to the

to rope to try to help, but Ron Garvin pulls him off and Rhodes rolls

Valentine up for the pin. The less said the better. 1 for 4.

– Jake Roberts v. Akeem. Long armbar spot. Akeem throws his fat around

to take control. He misses a charge, Jake comeback, but Slick grabs

Jake’s leg during the DDT for the DQ. Slick takes the DDT in Akeem’s

stead. Horrible match. 1 for 5.

– Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase. Jake was desperately needing a heel turn

by his point. Jake keeps getting bothered by Virgil. Dibiase keeps

rolling out of the ring to stall for time. Roberts chases Virgil around

the ring to stall for more time. Dibiase nails him on the way in and

takes control. Exciting facelock. Another, even more exciting

facelock. Axehandle off the second rope. Jake comeback. Virgil gets

nailed. Short clothesline but Virgil interferes before the DDT for a

DQ. 1 for 6.

– Brutus Beefcake v. Haku. My mother always said if you can’t say

anything nice…Heenan runs in for the DQ. 1 for 7.

– Manager profile of Queen Sherri. God, this tape is starting to drag.

– Ted Dibiase v. Shawn Michaels. YES! YES! YES! WHIP ASS! This is

shot in San Antonio, so of course Shawn gets the hometown babyface pop.

They trade flying headlocks with Shawn getting the advantage most of the

way. Whip to the corner but Shawn eats boot to allow Dibiase to take

control. Boot and three fistdrops. Shawn debuts the CLOTHESLINE SELL

OF DOOM! where he twists 14 times in mid-air. Backbreaker gets two.

Elbow and kneedrop for two. Shawn reverses a kneelift into a rollup for

two. Dibiase goes to work on the back. Hot crowd for Shawn. Shawn

goes over the top and Marty chases off Virgil. Dibiase drops Shawn on

the railing, giving him a throat injury to sell. Suplex back into the

ring for two. Reverse chinlock gets two. Piledriver reversed to a

backdrop by Shawn. Double clothesline. Dibiase goes for the elbow that

never hits and of course it misses. Reverse atomic drop by Shawn and he

flails away in the corner. Whip and backdrop, then a dropkick. Dibiase

puts his head down and Shawn with the neckbreaker. Shawn to the top

with a crossbody for two. Virgil breaks it up and Marty chases him in,

but gets dumped by Dibiase. Dibiase clotheslines Shawn and he stomps

away to taunt him. Marty and Virgil back in and a big brawl erupts to

ruin a GREAT match. 2 for 7 and an easy ****.

– Special feature: Superstar Workout with Power and Glory. Close your

eyes and it sounds like a porno movie. 2 for 8.

– Randy Savage & Queen Sherri (w/ Brother Love) v. Dusty Rhodes &

Sapphire (w/ Elizabeth). Liz is looking about 2/3 as hot as she does

today. The ribbons in her hair work well. Sherri is wrestling in a

dress, of course. Stall, stall, stall. Sapphire and Sherri start and

some goofy shit results. The usual Rhodes/Savage match is sandwiched

in between the bad comedy. In the same ending as a million other

matches, Liz nails Sherri with the purse and Sapphire pins her. 2 for


The Bottom Line: Dibiase v. Michaels rules, the rest is a definite


More next week!