The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant VII
– It only seems like last week that I did #6. Oh, wait, it was…
Tape #1: The Best of the WWF #20
– Your hosts are Sean Mooney and Brother Love.
– Opening match: Terry Taylor v. Brooklyn Brawler. Okay, I think this
is stretching the whole “best of” concept just a bit. As always, I
refuse to call him by the name given by the WWF. This is actually a
decent, if unspectacular, match. Steve Lombardi is very carryable.
Taylor controls 90% of the offense until they end up outside the ring
and Taylor goes into the post a couple of times. Lombardi is mainly
kick and punch on offense. Then onto the chinlocks. Ugh, no wonder
Lombardi is a jobber 4 life. Taylor with a belly to back but only gets
two. Small package for two. Backslide for two. More offense from
Lombardi until Taylor catches him with a sunset flip on a charge to the
corner for the pin. The fact that Taylor can carry Lombardi to anything
over * speaks very well of his talents. 1 for 1, but barely.
– Brutus Beefcake v. Bad News Brown. Brown attacks him and chokes him
out with his own jacket. Then he works on the throat some more and
argues with the ref the whole time. Beefcake comes back with some
punches, but Brown ends the offense quickly. Brown continues destroying
Beefcake, but misses a charge to the corner and Beefcake comes back
briefly. Brown back on offense until Beefcake hits the sleeper. Bad
News breaks easily and clotheslines him into unconsciousness, then calls
for the mike and badmouths Beefcake. He grabs the scissors from outside
and fights with the referee about it, allowing Beefcake to roll him up
for the pin. Weak ending. 1 for 2.
– King Haku v. Hacksaw Duggan. For whatever reason, Haku decided to
start “defending” the crown in mid-89. This was his first defense.
Oops. Standard kick and punch mid-card Superstars match, and it’s STILL
better than any of those crappy Duggan v. Meng matches we got this year
in WCW. Haku misses a splash and Duggan nails the three-point stance in
short order to claim the “King of the WWF” pseudo-title. As a bonus, we
also get the coronation from the week following. Duggan would hold that
esteemed title for, oh, a good month before being squashed by Randy
Savage. Savage would go on to hold the crown until his (first)
retirement in 1991. Ah, Duggan looked like he was having so much fun
I’ll be soft and make it 2 for 3.
– 16 man battle royale. Akeem is knocked out fast. The ongoing
marriages pair off with each other (Bret-HTM, Tito-Martel,
Taylor-Lombardi, etc). Curt Hennig is in it so he’ll probably win. No
one gets knocked out for a while. Bossman dumps Ax as I type that.
Smash dumps HTM and Bossman dumps Jim Powers. More of the usual battle
royale stuff going on. Richard Charland (a local jobber) and Owen Hart
are dumped next. Steve Lombardi is gone and most of the dead weight is
pretty much gone. I’d bet Hillbilly Jim or Terry Taylor should be next.
Yep, Valentine backdrops him over the top rope while standing on the
apron and then falls off, which eliminates both. Smash pulls out
Bossman and then gets pulled out himself, leaving Martel, Santana,
Hennig, Bret Hart, and Hillbilly Jim. Oops, Jim is gone. So the heels
and faces team up, and holy shit I’d kill to see THAT tag match. We go
Hart v. Hennig and Santana v. Martel. Double whip and Hart/Hennig
collide. Santana tries to push out Martel but Hennig dumps him from
behind, leaving Hart 2 on 1 against the heels. The heels slap him
around for a bit while Tito hangs around ringside and yells
encouragement. He of course pulls down the ropes when Martel comes off
and knocks him out. Hart quickly dumps Hennig to win the thing. Good
ending. 3 for 4.
– The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers. Brother Love is the
guest referee. Oh, great, now I’ll have that theme song in my head
again. Love stalls the match while he drones on and on about starting
when he’s ready. Finally Neidhart grabs the microphone and chases off
the Rougeaus to start the match. Jacques and Bret start, and as soon as
Jacques gets anywhere near the ropes Love rushes over to break. And a
Bret elbow results in a 9 second two-count. The counts for Jacques are
just a wee bit faster. Bret’s been scre…oh, never mind. The crowd
is seriously getting pissed off. Love argues the positioning of Bret on
the apron, allowing the Rougeaus to beat the piss out of Neidhart. This
is a VERY funny match. Love taunts Neidhart while he’s in a camel
clutch, completely ignoring the interference from Raymond. Neidhart is
continulously double-teamed until he finally gets the tag to Bret. FIVE
MOVES OF DOOM! Elbow gets two, but Love stops to tell the cameraman how
much he LOOOOOOOOVES him. Jacques rolls up Bret (who lifts his
shoulder at one) but Love counts three anyway. Bret’s been screwe…oh,
never mind. The Harts dump the Rougeaus, leaving Brother Love. Uh oh.
Hart Attack on Love and the crowd goes insane. Funny match. 4 for 5.
– WWF title match: Hulk Hogan v. Ravishing Rick Rude. This is from
late 87. Color commentator Jimmy Hart notes how much he hates “Real
American”, which is of course ironic because Hart wrote it. Bobby
Heenan notes that Rude is an arm-wrestling champion but nothing comes of
it just then. Rude shoves Hogan to the corner and drops down and yells
for an arm-wrestling match. Oh, lord. Hogan wins of course and then
something vaguely resembling a wrestling match starts again. Hogan
nails Heenan, of course. Standard Hogan formula, as Rude kicks and
punches on offense. Ref gets distracted and Rude whacks him with a
chair. Does nothing of note, however, as Rude simply chinlocks him
afterwards. Rude puts Hogan in the body vice and releases it because he
thinks Hogan submitted, but the ref disagrees. Rude to the top with the
flying fist for two, and it’s HULK UP TIME. Three punches, big boot,
legdrop, see ya. 4 for 6.
The Bottom Line: Decent tape, actually. Brown/Beefcake was a bit weak
and Hogan was his usual shitty self, but the rest was very watchable.
Tape #2: The WWF’s Hottest Matches.
– Opening match: Tito Santana v. Rick Martel. Apparently the literal
translation of “Arriba” is “swim faster, the border guards are coming”.
Bobby Heenan is a wealth of information. Martel misses a charge to the
corner and bungs up his knee, allowing Santana to work on it. Santana
goes for the figure-four but Martel pokes him in the eye. Martel chokes
him out and does the Piper slingshot-under-the-ropes move. Martel kind
of forgets about the knee injury as he goes to the top. Santana knocks
him off and makes the superman comeback. Slugfest, and Martel misses a
cross-body, giving Tito a two count. Small package for two. Backdrop
and flying jalapeno, but Martel gets knocked out of the ring. Martel
grabs Arrogance and sprays it in Tito’s eyes and gets the cheap win.
This was okay. 1 for 1.
– Clips of the Demos winning their first tag titles from Strike Force as
Alfred Hayes blithers on about the qualities needed to be tag champions.
We then go to clips of Andre and Haku winning the titles for their
pointless 1990 title reign. We get the clips of the Demos regaining
them at WM6, and then the Harts winning them at Summerslam. Pretty much
just filler. 1 for 2.
– The Rockers v. The Orient Express. Pier-six to start, but Shawn
quickly gets caught in the wrong corner. The Rockers go to work on
Tanaka’s arm soon after, however. The Express retaliates by doing the
same with no-tag switches. Those sneaky Japanese. Rockers with the
double-team arm wringer. Marty off the ropes and Tanaka kicks him in
the head, giving him the Ricky Morton role. Both teams are phoning it
in here. Sato is terrible. Kicks and chinlocks make up the bulk of the
heel offense. Double knockout. Jannetty with the hot tag to Shawn.
Superkick to Tanaka and a double noggin-knocker. Clothesline on Tanaka
for two. Double whip collision spot, but everyone rolls out of the ring
and a brawl erupts. The Rockers roll back in to beat the count. Bleh.
1 for 3.
– “Fan Favorite” match: Greg Valentine v. Dusty Rhodes. This is
Dusty’s debut in the WWF. Boring match. Long chinlock by Valentine.
Hammer chops him in the corner until Rhodes wiggles his fat enough to
get him going again. Figure-four, but Valentine pokes him in the eye to
block. Valentine with his own but Dusty rolls him up for two. Hammer
elbow for two and another chinlock. Dream comeback. Jimmy Hart to the
to rope to try to help, but Ron Garvin pulls him off and Rhodes rolls
Valentine up for the pin. The less said the better. 1 for 4.
– Jake Roberts v. Akeem. Long armbar spot. Akeem throws his fat around
to take control. He misses a charge, Jake comeback, but Slick grabs
Jake’s leg during the DDT for the DQ. Slick takes the DDT in Akeem’s
stead. Horrible match. 1 for 5.
– Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase. Jake was desperately needing a heel turn
by his point. Jake keeps getting bothered by Virgil. Dibiase keeps
rolling out of the ring to stall for time. Roberts chases Virgil around
the ring to stall for more time. Dibiase nails him on the way in and
takes control. Exciting facelock. Another, even more exciting
facelock. Axehandle off the second rope. Jake comeback. Virgil gets
nailed. Short clothesline but Virgil interferes before the DDT for a
DQ. 1 for 6.
– Brutus Beefcake v. Haku. My mother always said if you can’t say
anything nice…Heenan runs in for the DQ. 1 for 7.
– Manager profile of Queen Sherri. God, this tape is starting to drag.
– Ted Dibiase v. Shawn Michaels. YES! YES! YES! WHIP ASS! This is
shot in San Antonio, so of course Shawn gets the hometown babyface pop.
They trade flying headlocks with Shawn getting the advantage most of the
way. Whip to the corner but Shawn eats boot to allow Dibiase to take
control. Boot and three fistdrops. Shawn debuts the CLOTHESLINE SELL
OF DOOM! where he twists 14 times in mid-air. Backbreaker gets two.
Elbow and kneedrop for two. Shawn reverses a kneelift into a rollup for
two. Dibiase goes to work on the back. Hot crowd for Shawn. Shawn
goes over the top and Marty chases off Virgil. Dibiase drops Shawn on
the railing, giving him a throat injury to sell. Suplex back into the
ring for two. Reverse chinlock gets two. Piledriver reversed to a
backdrop by Shawn. Double clothesline. Dibiase goes for the elbow that
never hits and of course it misses. Reverse atomic drop by Shawn and he
flails away in the corner. Whip and backdrop, then a dropkick. Dibiase
puts his head down and Shawn with the neckbreaker. Shawn to the top
with a crossbody for two. Virgil breaks it up and Marty chases him in,
but gets dumped by Dibiase. Dibiase clotheslines Shawn and he stomps
away to taunt him. Marty and Virgil back in and a big brawl erupts to
ruin a GREAT match. 2 for 7 and an easy ****.
– Special feature: Superstar Workout with Power and Glory. Close your
eyes and it sounds like a porno movie. 2 for 8.
– Randy Savage & Queen Sherri (w/ Brother Love) v. Dusty Rhodes &
Sapphire (w/ Elizabeth). Liz is looking about 2/3 as hot as she does
today. The ribbons in her hair work well. Sherri is wrestling in a
dress, of course. Stall, stall, stall. Sapphire and Sherri start and
some goofy shit results. The usual Rhodes/Savage match is sandwiched
in between the bad comedy. In the same ending as a million other
matches, Liz nails Sherri with the purse and Sapphire pins her. 2 for
9.
The Bottom Line: Dibiase v. Michaels rules, the rest is a definite
pass.
More next week!
