The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant IX.
– I have no life or taste, I admit it.
Tape #1: Supertape Vol. 2.
– Opening match: “Macho King” Randy Savage v. Jim Duggan. This would
of course be after Savage won the crown from Duggan in late 89. Savage
stalls like nuts on his throne until Duggan finally dumps him off. But
once in the ring Savage goes right to work beating on Duggan. The usual
Duggan comeback but Sherri provides enough distraction for Savage to
take over again. The usual chaotic Saturday Night’s Main Event pace as
Sherri interferes constantly and both guys run in and out of the ring a
lot without doing much wrestling. There’s lots of stuff happening, but
there’s nothing happening at the same time, ya know? Savage ends up
with the LOADED PURSE OF DEATH! but it only gets two. Duggan with the
usual stuff but Savage and Sherri do the (botched)
suplex-hook-the-leg-for-the-pin bit. Ugh, what a clusterf*ck. 0 for 1.
Duggan just wallops Savage with the 2×4 in an OWWW! moment.
– Special feature on the Rockers.
– The Rockers v. The Powers of Pain. Why did they have to pick this
dog? I took a chance with my $1.87 on this tape because the Rockers
were featured, but this isn’t the match I wanted to see them in. Shawn
sells Barbarian’s power stuff like a god. Double superkicks send the
Powers running and more doubleteams confuse the hell out of the Warlord.
He even sells a rana from Marty. Another try at it and he gets
powerbombed. Warlord does the alley oop faceplant on Marty and he goes
literally 10 feet in the air. Marty is just killing himself on my TV
for my pleasure. Of course he works in the triple somersault
clothesline sell. Oh, man, this is Selling 101. Marty’s ribs are even
taped so he’s doing this injured. Barbie misses the Elbow Which Never
Hits and Shawn gets the hot tag. Double-team chaos, but Fuji hooks the
leg and Warlord pins Shawn. Powers destroy them after the match. I
take it back, this match was not a dog at all. 1 for 2.
– The Rockers v. The New Dream Team. Double-team chaos to start. This
looks like the dark match from Superstars. Heat segment on Shawn right
away as Hammer works on the arm. Valentine misses a charge and Shawn
works on his arm in return. Slow build as the Rockers tag in and out
and wristlock Hammer to death. Steroid Boy Bravo comes in and stinks up
the ring. He does the most dramatic tag I’ve ever seen to Valentine,
doing some sort of dance beforehand. Must be roid rage. Valentine with
a drop suplex on Jannetty as the Dream Team double-teams Marty. Side
salto for two. Valentine elbow for two. False tag to Shawn results in
more dastardly deeds by the heels. Bravo’s big elbow misses and
Jannetty gets the hot tag. Shawn cleans house and gets a couple of two
counts on Bravo and beats up Jimmy Hart. Double dropkick and double
fistdrop on Bravo for two before Hammer breaks it up. Double knockout,
and Valentine rolls Bravo on top for two. Lukewarm tag to Marty, who
rolls up Bravo, but Hebner is yapping with Shawn and Bravo pulls the
tights to reverse for three.
BUT WAIT! It’s Ron Garvin: Referee At Large. The decision is
reversed, giving the Rockers the cheap win. 1 for 3. They didn’t
actually do anything illegal, of course, but never let logic get in the
way of a bad angle, I always say. And why show a spotlight where they
job twice?
– Fan Favorite match: Hercules v. Akeem. Who thinks of this stuff? I
am cursed with a tape in my bottom VCR that is recording, and thus I
cannot fast forward. Hercules with the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM! and Akeem
bails. More goofy shit as Akeem “holds back” Slick from attacking
Hercules. They get into a boxing match, and of course Akeem gets his
butt handed to him. Hercules goes for the slam but gets hammered. I’m
still waiting for the first wrestling hold. Slick chokes out Herc.
Cross-corner charge misses and more punching from Herc. Ten shots to
the TURNBUCKLE OF DEATH! Kneelift (hey, a wrestling move!) and a couple
of clotheslines, but Slick pulls down the top rope for the DQ. Finkel
stretches out the announcement as though the referee may have
disqualified someone else. Late 80s Superstars crap. 1 for 4.
– Lord Alfred Hayes presents a refresher course on the names of some
moves, courtesy the Orient Express. Basic stuff, but it’s actually
better than Tony Schiavone calls today. Sato’s “powerbomb” is actually
a Ligerbomb, but it’s 1990 so it’s not called that yet.
– Demolition v. The Orient Express. The usual feeling out process to
start. Read: Headlock, shoulderblock, punch. The Demos dominate Tanaka
until Smash gets caught in the corner and chopped to death. At some
randomly determined point Smash decides to start no-selling and hammers
everything in sight. He goes outside the ring and gets whacked with the
CANE OF DEATH! (not to confused with the Sandman one). Kicks and chops
from the Express to subdue Smash. Smash is never really selling, he’s
just kind of inconvenienced, ya know? Lukewarm tag to Ax, who wipes out
everything in sight. Crosscorner whip and powerslam for two. They go
for Decapitation but Fuji interferes to break it up. Sato tosses THE
CEREMONIAL SALT OF DOOM! in Ax’s eyes for the countout. Maybe one
wrestling move the entire match. 1 for 5.
– Bret Hart v. Rick Martel. It’s kind of neat how from 1988-93 the WWF
would make tapes full of junk, but always make sure to stick a singles
match from Bret or Shawn on there somewhere so that the fans would be
accustomed to the new style when they took over in 1992. Martel works
on Bret in the corner. Cross-corner whip and Martel goes over top but
Bret clotheslines him when he turns around. Hart with the small package
for two. Martel bails. Back in and they trade armbars. It occurs to
me that Bret hasn’t changed in any fundamental or meaningful ways as a
wrestler since 1989, and that’s part of his problem today. Hipblock
into a backslide for two. Bret continues working on the arm. Martel
dumps him to break the momentum. Martel celebrates but smartly
continues selling the shoulder injury. Martel hammers Hart outside the
ring, working on the back. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Cross corner whip of
death on Hart. Only small letters because Hart makes it look
devastating. Abdominal stretch, the last resort for the lazy hasbeen
technical wrestler. (see: Wallstreet, Vincent K.) Martel goes for the
TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM!, but since he’s a heel it doesn’t work and Hart
atomic drops him. Bret comeback. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Wrong order,
though. Martel bails twice in the process. Kick to the mid-section
gets two. Both guys are out and brawl until the bell rings for a double
countout. Oh wait, the time limit expired. Either way. Good build for
this one. 2 for 6.
– Manager’s profile: Slick.
– Cage match: Roddy Piper v. Rick Rude. Piper was only three years
past his prime at this point, rather than the 11 years that he’s sitting
at today. Rude jumps Piper to start, but he blocks the cage shots.
Rude goes flying to the cage on a whip reversal. Piper does the
requisite belt-whupping. Stiff shots. Piper bites. I mean that in the
literal sense, btw. Rude tries to escape but we get a half-moon.
Face-first to the cage and I bet he blades. Yup, it’s a gusher. Piper
tries to climb out but gets crotched on the top rope. Rude blatantly
knees him in the gnads. Hey, it’s a cage match, why not? He continues
hammering Piper with forearms and gets a two. It’s a pin or escape
match, btw. Rude tries to get out the door and ends up flashing his ass
again as Piper drags him in by the tights. Pull up your damn tights,
Rick. Rude Awakening out of nowhere and Piper is gone. Another escape
attempt and Rude’s ass gets flashed again. Both guys are climbing the
cage and do the slugfest on top. Both guys jump down and hit the floor
at the same time. The match continues and Rude isn’t happy so he airs
his grievance by whacking Piper with a chair. Back in the cage and Rude
takes over. Rude to the top of the cage with the fistdrop! Only gets
two. Should’ve hooked the leg, moron. Nasty jump piledriver and Rude
goes for the door. Then he changes his mind and goes to the top of the
cage again. Piper shakes it Rude crotches him. Rude ends up hanging
upside-down and Heenan slams the door in Piper’s face when he goes for
the door. Rude climbs down and covers for two. Belly to back suplex
and both guys are out. Heenan passes a knuckle duster to Rude, who
proceeds to drop it and allow Piper to grab it. Wham, bam, thank you
ma’am and Piper walks out for the win. Good cage match. 3 for 7.
– Bloopers segment. Nothing that could be called funny in any
conventional sense of the word. Although I did laugh when a producer
walked by and smacked Sean Mooney in the back of the head.
– Final match: Curt Hennig & “The Genius” Lanny Poffo v. Hulk Hogan &
Brutus “The Booty Zodiac Clipmaster Disciple Without a Name or a Face”
Beefcake. Hennig dominates Hogan to start, surprisingly. Usually Hogan
starts out on the heel right away. Ah, there we go. Big boot to
Perfect and he goes over the top. Beefcake’s turn as he beats on both
heels. Hogan in and it’s a clothesline for Perfect and then a
double-team move! Whoa, didn’t know he had it in him. High knee from
Beefcake for two. Double axehandle, slam, and elbow series from Hogan.
Punches and chops until Hennig bails. He nails Hogan with the Genius’
POETRY SCROLL OF PAIN! to retake control. Genius in with his faggy
moves. I liked Poffo much better as a luchadore-like high flying jobber
from the mid 80s. By this point all he was doing was scratching and
preening. Poffo with a moonsault but Hogan lifts the knees. Hot tag to
Brutus, who cleans house. Sleeper. Hebner is distracted with Hogan, as
Poffo waffles Beefcake with the scroll. Hennig gets two before Hogan
desperately makes the save after chasing Poffo around. Beefcake plays
face in peril. The Genius should join the Flock. Hennig keeps
antagonizing Hogan, allowing Poffo to choke out Beefcake. False tag to
Hogan, allowing more stuff from the heels. Hennig eventually hits the
Perfectplex but Hogan makes the save. Hot tag to Hogan and Genius gets
the beats put on him. Double noggin knocker. BIG BOOT OF DEATH!
STINKY GIANT-KILLING LEGDROP! You know the rest. 3 for 8.
– The Bottom Line: This was okay. I certainly got my $1.87 worth so
who can complain? And blood is always a plus. It’s worth a look at
any rate.
Tape #2: WWF World Tour 1991.
– Stuff from London and Tokyo.
– Opening match: The Rockers v. The Orient Express. And this is the
*good* Express — Kato and Tanaka. Fuji decks Jannetty before the match
begins, so the Rockers return to the dressing room and bring
out…Andre! Poor guy could barely walk by this time and here he’s in
their corner. Shawn and Kato (Paul Diamond) start. The huge London
crowd is just totally dead. Rockers double-team sequence livens things
up a bit, although everyone looks a little off-kilter. Jet lag? The
Rockers were an interesting team by this point: They were a few months
away from breaking up and this was the twilight of the team, but it was
only now that they had advanced past the whipping boy image they were
saddled with 1988-90. They no longer had to oversell every little move
because they weren’t stuck in there with huge teams anymore. And the
individual talent of Shawn Michaels was becoming distinctly noticeable.
Shawn and Marty are just going through the motions here. They do the
double-team armbars and play to the crowd, but now they seem to think
that it’s all beneath them. Of course, for Shawn that much is true but
maybe if Marty hadn’t dogged it for the remainder of his career he’d be
more than a low-card jobber for WCW today. The Rockers control Kato
with armbars (looking bored the whole time) until the inevitable
cheating allows the Orient Express to work on Shawn. Yeah, this is
being mailed in all around. Tanaka with a devastating chinlock on Shawn
while Vince and Roddy Piper scream about the hot action in the ring.
Marty argues tags with Hebner which allows more shenanigans from the
Express. You know, the Rockers were great but I think it’s best they
split when they did so they didn’t end up becoming like the Steiners or
the Nasty Boys or any of a million other teams who just held on too
long. There’s just zero wrestling going on here, which is sad for a
matchup that broke **** at Rumble 91. Shawn double-clotheslines the
Express and makes the hot tag. Slams flow like water. Fuji hooks
Marty’s leg, drawing the wrath of the Giant. Andre pops Kato with the
cane and the Rockers hit the double fistdrop for the pin. The end was
almost near and it showed. 0 for 1. This was the one match on the back
of the box that looked promising, so you may want to turn back now…
– The Warlord v. Jim Neidhart. The Warlord is currently known as
“Goldberg”. Yeah, yeah, I’m kidding, but the skill level is about the
same. Shoving match to start. Long headlock spot from Neidhart.
Shoulderblock contest. I yearn for death right about now. Warlord
bails and wanders around for a while. Test of strength…well, I’d say
we have every cheesy heat-drawing method, but neither guy has hair to
pull. Back to the headlock. Reverse atomic drop to escape and now
Neidhart bails. Warlord hammers on him in the ring and moves…very
…slowly between blows. Lame looking bearhug to break down my sleep
resistance even further. Anvil actually manages to climb up the Warlord
and over for a sunset flip, but Warlord clobbers him. I’ve never seen
that escape from a bearhug before. More weak shots and Warlord uses a
backslide for two. An exciting chinlock. I’m literally falling asleep
here.
[Note: At this point I take a two-day break before returning to this
match well-rested]
Okay, we’re back and this match is still going on two days later. Oh,
wait, I hit stop in between. Silly me. They trade blows for a year or
two longer and then Anvil rolls up Warlord out of nowhere for the pin.
0 for 2.
– Fan Favorite match: Randy Savage v. Rick Martel. This is two days
after Savage’s retirement match at Wrestlemania VII, as Savage is
fulfilling his contractual obligations. The newly reunited Liz is with
him and looking very do-able, I might add. They play this up as the
last Savage match we’ll ever see, although he would go on to win the WWF
title one more time and the WCW title three times just to spite them.
Savage dominates immediately with an axehandle from the top, but when he
goes for it on the outside Martel moves and Savage crashes on his knee.
Martel hammers on him a bit, allowing stall time as Savage plays
injured and Martel gloats. They do this two or three times and then
Martel starts hitting on Liz. Savage decks him from behind and goes
nuts on him, ramming him into the post, but getting caught with a knee
after tossing Martel back in. They fight outside the ring again and
Martel tosses him in, then chokes him. Martel is so off tonight it’s
scary. Small package for two by Savage. Quick shot from Martel and he
gets two. More choking by Martel. Crowd is dead. I find it sad that
Martel completely wasted the biggest push of his career (1989-1991ish)
with crap matches like this. It’s no wonder he was jobbing to Tatanka
by the end of his run. A cross body misses and Savage snap suplexes for
two. Atomic drop and weak clothesline sends Martel to the floor again,
and Savage follows and piledrives him on the floor! Martel is dead, and
Savage tosses him back in and finishes it with the academic elbow and
pin. Martel is pushing up daisies in the ring, totally putting Savage
over. I’m seriously tempted to give it a point for that ending alone,
but the rest was junk. 0 for 3.
– Etiquette with Lord Alfred Hayes. Oh, god, Sherri and Lombardi are
with him. I can smell the non-humor coming a mile away. Sherri is
filing her toenails and Lombardi is shooting spitballs at the camera.
It goes downhill from there as Sherri and Steve make pigs of themselves.
– Ted Dibiase v. Roddy Piper. This is also from the post-WM7 period,
after Piper got involved on Virgil’s behalf. Piper fakes a limp on the
way in and then blitzes Dibiase right away. The eye poke gets worked in
about 12 seconds in. Sherri runs in and jumps on Piper’s back to slow
him down, so he kisses her. Slugfest and Sherri grabs Piper’s leg,
allowing Dibiase to gain the advantage. A whip and head down puts Piper
down, but he’s up quick. Sherri is on the apron and Piper rams them
together for a two count, but misses a charge to the corner and Dibiase
gets control. He hangs Piper upside-down and pounds the knee, then
Sherri distracts the ref and allows Dibiase to ram Piper’s stolen crutch
into his knee. Dibiase viciously works on the knee (which was injured in
a legit motorcycle accident), slamming it repeatedly into the mat.
Dibiase unwraps the bandages and then posts Piper. Dibiase stomps away
at the knee, adding a rolling leg snap. He tries a figure-four but
Piper kicks him off. Dibiase to the second rope but catches a fist on
the way down as usual. More Sherri interference allows the crutch to be
used again, but Piper grabs it and rams it into Dibiase’s knee. Now
Piper mirror’s Dibiase’s tactics, which the announcers actually note.
Piper applies a spinning toehold, but Sherri comes in again. Piper
monkey flips her and cleans house with the crutch, but the ref tries to
grab it, and Piper bops him for the DQ. Good psychology but the match
didn’t go anywhere. 0 for 4.
– Back to the dinner table as Sherri and Steve gag Hayes with their
napkins and proceed to eating. The inevitable food fight ensues.
– Jake Roberts v. Earthquake. I thought this was supposed to be World
Tour? Only the first two matches have been outside of the US. Jake was
primed for his heel turn and Earthquake was going nowhere, so I’m not
sure who should win. Quake attacks to start, but Jake wrestles the same
match as with every other fat lunk he fought from 1987-1991…work on
the arm, stick and move, jab and run. Jake tries a shoulderblock (uh,
that’s smart) and of course gets bowled over. Headlock and another
shoulderblock try and again he goes down. Must have been booze night
for Jake. Earthquake goes under the ring after the snake and Jake
attacks from behind. Kneelift back in the ring, and the short
clothesline. Jake goes for the DDT but Quake runs him into the corner.
Elbowdrop on the leg. And again, although there was about a minute in
between where Quake just wandered around the ring. More standing around
and taunting from Quake. Another elbow and he puts Jake in a
weak-looking leglock. Stomp on the knee. A whip but Jake’s knee gives
way. Big fat elbow and Quake goes for the BUTT SPLASH OF DOOM! But
Jake rolls out. Quake rolls out and grabs the snake. He gets it ready
for the BUTT SPLASH OF DEATH! but Jake trips him from outside, then
opens the bag and lets Lucifer free, causing a DQ. Oh, yay. 0 for 5.
Poor Jimmy Hart almost gets acquainted with the snake but runs just in
time.
– Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Shawn Michaels. WHOA! Where
did this come from? Shawn was still a Rocker here, of course. Go
behind by Michaels and a stiff elbow from Hennig to break. Hammerlock
by Hennig and Michaels uses a stiff european uppercut to break, which
Hennig totally oversells of course. So they do a quick sparring
session, which Shawn wins easily. Hennig bails. So Shawn follows with
a MOTHERFUCKING TOPE CON HILO FROM THE CENTER OF THE RING, OVER THE
RINGPOST, TO THE AISLE! AND HE MISSES!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! He gets up,
charges Hennig, and gets dumped throat-first on the railing. Back in
the ring and Hennig hits a standing dropkick for two. Chops in the
corner (whoo). Chops by Michaels (whoo), but Hennig reverses and Shawn
does a Flair Flip and gets clotheslined on the apron. Hennig continues
the assualt with more stiff shots and a kneelift sends Michaels to the
floor. Michaels is selling like a god. Neck snap. Kneelift attempt
but Michaels holds the rope to block. Sleeper by Hennig but Michaels
fights out. Jannetty manages to interfere while Shawn distracts the
ref. Bobby Heenan comes out to protest, allowing Hennig the chance to
run Jannetty into the ringpost. Back in the ring and Michaels slides
under a cross-corner charge, and posts Hennig. He kicks Hennig in the
knee a few times, inverted and regular atomic drop in one sequence for a
2 and 3/4 count. Superkick for two. Crowd is getting hot. Whip,
reverse and Shawn with the neckbreaker. To the top and Heenan jumps on
the apron. Michaels jumps down and goes after him, allowing Hennig to
jump him and hit the Perfectplex, but Big Bossman (arch enemy of Hennig
at the time) runs in to break it up for the DQ. FUCK! Easy point. 1
for 6. I should really do a comp tape with all the token Shawn matches
on Coliseum video.
– Shopping with the Million Dollar Man. Use your imagination.
– From Tokyo: Jim Duggan v. Kendo Nagasaki. Who thought of this one?
They trade rights and Duggan gets him in the corner and stomps away.
Headlock, more kicks, and Kendo gets dumped over the top. Bit of a
brawl outside the ring. Back in, and Duggan clotheslines him out on the
floor again. This match is horrible. Back in the ring again and Duggan
eats knee on a cross-corner charge…and gets pinned! What the hell
happened there? Duggan takes out his frustrations with the 2×4. 1 for
7.
– Back to the US again.
– Hulk Hogan & Ultimate Warrior v. Sgt. Slaughter, Gen. Adnan & The
Undertaker. Oh, this should be good. Not. Alfred Hayes is playing
heel announcer. Hogan jumps Slaughter before the bell and Warrior
helps. Hogan shoves his bandana into his mouth and pokes Adnan in the
eyes. What a sportsman. Double-team on Sarge and double-boot. Warrior
nails Adnan and UT off the apron. CLOTHESLINE OF DEATH! Sarge is
getting his butt kicked. Oh, wait, Slaughter gets Hogan in the corner
and now Hulk’s in trouble. UT beats on Hulk on the outside. Choke
inside. Choke, choke, choke. Hulk gets run into Sarge’s elbow. Hulk
reverses a cross-corner whip and Sarge goes flying over the top. UT in
with an elbow to stop Hulk. Adnan in with some weak kicks and a choke.
Sadly, this would headline Summerslam 91 (with a slight alteration).
Sarge’s clothesline misses and Hulk gets the hot tag to Warrior. Stomps
in the corner and a cross-corner whip/backdrop. Warrior cleans house
and gets poked in the eye. UT in and nails the flying clothesline.
Choke, choke, choke. Choke in the corner. Double-team choke. When
HULK HOGAN is carrying a match it’s time to pack it in. False tag to
Hogan. More double-teaming in the corner. Sarge slams Warrior and goes
to the top but misses badly. Hot tag to Hogan, clothesline, shots for
everyone. Big boot, rollup for two. One shot to the eyes and suddenly
Hulk is dead again. What an idiot. Sarge stomps a few times and
applies the CAMEL CLUTCH OF DEATH! Warrior comes in and chases UT off,
allowing Hulk to be double-teamed, but I sense a hulking up. Warrior
and UT fight back to the dressing room as a double team on Hogan
backfires and Adnan gets pinned by Hogan. Horrible match. 1 for 8.
The Bottom Line:
Don’t bother.
