Remember those who win the game lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity
The small-town eyes will gape at you in dull surprise
When payment due exceeds accounts received
– Janis Ian, “At Seventeen”
IT’S JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY…
Well, this is a fine kettle of fish. I make absolutely sure that I can get to sleep after my doctor’s appointment yesterday by waking up at 12:30AM. So guess what? Tonight’s the night to have insomnia. So it’s watching Raw live for the first time in four months for me and hoping it bores me to sleep with just enough time to finish this column. I hate my life.
I’m slightly pissed off about something else, though. I found out that one of the satellite speakers on my computer system is blown. Now, this is my second set of these Altec-Lansings. On the first one, the power unit blew, but the speakers were fine, so I saved the speakers. I think. If I still have them, they’re still packed…
Yes, I know it’s been two months since I moved. There’s a good reason why I still haven’t unpacked yet, and that’s because I’m still looking for a different job. On Friday, I got the perfect justification on a decision to try to find one, preferably outside the meat and poultry industry, when Farmland, the third-biggest meat producer in the US (behind Tyson/IBP and ConAgra), filed Chapter 11 (and unlike Napster, who just did the same thing, they’re not doing it to decrease their debt in order to be bought up by a multinational multimedia conglomerate). Fortunately, plans are proceeding apace on this issue.
Another reason, I think, has to do with my reaction on reading the story about a woman in Japan who found a one-centimeter piece of human finger in a rice ball she was eating: “Only one centimeter? Shit, I took off more than that when I had that accident with a bacon slicer a few months ago.” I’ve seen guys lose entire fingers to equipment, and we seem to have an accident here every week involving sharp objects. If I’m getting that blase about people missing digits, it may be time to go.
Pimp Section before we get into news and views? Yeah, why not?
THE PIMP SECTION
As per my answer to the question that Hyatte posited, I have always admitted to being a two-pack-a-day smoker. And guess what? I don’t give a flying f*ck if I give any of you cancer from second-hand or not. I’ve also come clean about having the occasional joint now and then too. A little more than a month ago, I gave advice on mixing alcoholic beverages with prescription medications to get a buzz on. I’ve admitted to owning a .357 Magnum. I published in my column a recipe for baked tortellini alfredo that’s guaranteed to clog your arteries. And yet, somehow, I’m still a liberal Democrat.
Great guy. Great band. That’s all that needs to be said.
Schwenke has been dipping into my medicine cabinet again, I think.
TRADITIONAL RIVALRY + NUKES = NOT A GOOD THING
Talks between India and Pakistan are breaking down even before they start. You know, after being raised in a Cold War mentality, I’m looking at this one as an interesting case study. This is the first potential nuclear war that doesn’t have the stigma of Mutually Assured Destruction attached to it. Also, it gives Americans a chance to find out that “Kashmir” is something other than a kick-ass Led Zeppelin song. Makes me kinda wish I was still living in Rogers Park on the North Side of Chicago. Seeing a reflective running battle going down on Devon would be so much fun, especially since I wouldn’t be involved.
All I’m asking is that the war start on July 11th. Comedians everywhere would get so much mileage out of that one we’d get sick of hearing the jokes within thirty seconds.
AT LAST, PROOF POSITIVE THAT I’M A DEMON FROM HELL
Sheikh Ibrahim Atta Allah, the highest-ranking cleric in Sunni Islam, issued a fatwa against computer, music, and movie piracy last week. Given the precedent of Salman Rushdie*, I should be receiving my death sentence by registered mail any day now. Hopefully it won’t be before I see the copy of Insomnia I downloaded off Usenet, or before I finish Dungeon Siege (also downloaded off Usenet) or Morrowwind (ditto) or burn the seventy to eighty full CDs I have on my hard drive (ditto ditto)**. Of course, it could be worse than death for my proselytizing the message that Piracy Is Good; they could force me to view an endless loop of Hillary Rosen and Rosie O’Donnell doing mutual carpet-munch, with Jack Valenti and Fritz Hollings masturbating on the sidelines. Talk about your Clockwork Orange (which I own a legit copy of on DVD) moments…
Would I recommend actually paying for a game? Well, I did so with Heroes of Might and Magic IV and Might and Magic IX, but that’s only because I want Johnny Van to have a good nest egg the moment that 3DO goes under for all the enjoyment he’s provided me with. Thanks to a new CD burner that can handle SafeDisk 2.51+, I introduced my best friend to the digital crack known as SimGolf (copied from my commercial), and he hasn’t forgiven me. For upcoming games, I’m definitely forking out the cash for Neverwinter Nights (despite the fact that it’s now being distroed by Bruno Bonnell’s little Gallic goosesteppers at Infoscum) and Warcraft III (despite Vivendi Universal’s legal contretemps with the creators of bnetd, the Open Source battle.net alternate client/server system; Blizzard seems to be the innocent bystander on this one). However, for anything else, f*ck it.
And in case you don’t know, by “games”, I mean PC games only. I regard console owners with the same respect that I do marks or mindless Flex fans.
* – Yes, I know that Rushdie’s death sentence was handed down by Shi’ite clerics, not Sunni, but I couldn’t resist the analogy. Besides, I’m an ignorant American, and all Arabs are ragheads to us, right?
** – Not to mention the operating system I use. Except for a “Microsoft tax” on an actual brand-name system that I bought a long, long time ago, I’ve never purchased an M$ OS. In fact, as a public service, if you need a key for Windows XP, just mail me and tell me the variant (Home, Pro, or Corporate), and I’ll give you an unused key from my stock. This is incredibly important if you’re using certain pirated versions of XP, because if you’re going to download Service Pack 1 and you’re using one of those keys, you’re going to be cut off from Windows Update permanently after installing.
PAARRRRR-TY!
So, we’re in the middle of the Queen’s Golden Jubilee celebrations, and a fire breaks out at Buckingham Palace. You know, after Princess Margaret and the Queen Mother, I think I’ll lay off the Queen and not make any lines about how London is learning to celebrate special occasions like their cousins in Detroit do.
Party Of The Week, though, has to go to Senegal. They shut down the country to watch the World Cup match against France, and then when they pulled the upset…you know, the thought of an entire country erupting into spontaneous joy simultaneously, with apparently very little damage to people or property, is mind-boggling. All the sideshow stories about Senegal being a former French colony and all of its players being pros in France was just icing on the cake.
COPA MUNDIAL AND SHITTY AMERICAN SPORTS STUFF
The NHL and NBA Playoffs have been paralleling each other from the start, with the respectives Wests seen as tough and the Easts seen as weak enough for a bunch of upstarts to get to the Finals, and, gee, guess what happened? Now we’re down to nut-cutting time.
You just knew that after being down 3-2, the Lakers would say, “Okay, enough toying around with you”, and the Kings proceeded to vanish in a cloud of dust, a cry of “Fuck you, Vlade” heard in the distance. Can the Nets succeed where others have failed? Hell, no. Lakers in five.
Everyone knows that I don’t give a rat’s ass about hockey thanks to the Wirtzes and their policy of not broadcasting home Blackhawks games. However, I am still a Chicagoan. The thought of rooting for the Dead Wings is reflexively nauseating. However…there’s Chelly. There’s Hasek, who started his career with the Hawks (and is this year’s designated Win One For Him Guy in the mold of Bourque). Brett’s there, and his dad WAS Chicago hockey. Can you root for the players on a team but not root for the team? That would require mental gymnastics beyond even my capabilities. As for the Hurricanes, it’s magnificent to see them there for one reason: the pain seen on longtime ESPN anchors (people so damn smug they make me look meek and humble) who had adopted the Hartford Whalers due to their status as the pro team nearest their headquarters in Bristol and now have to experience the franchise gaining their greatest success after they move. Who do you root for on that team? Ronnie Franchise? Except for him and Brind’Amour, I don’t know anyone on this team. So screw them. As much as it pains me to say this, Wings in a sweep.
How about Mike Tyson stopping in front of his workout facility in Memphis and hugging a gay rights activist protesting there for camera attention? You know, I think he’s not telling us something important about what happened to him inside of that Indiana prison. All I know is, there’s probably someone in the lifers’ wing there today saying that he’s a “two-timing bitch”. Tyson’s reaction when questioned about the hug may just end up being Stupid Quote Of The Year: “Listen. Listen. I’m not homophobic; I told them I’m not homophobic. So if I use a homophobic term…I’m not homophobic.” Okay, so you’re not homophobic. But are you dating Mike Piazza?
The Steroids In Baseball controversy continues, despite Rob Dibble’s one-thug crusade to shut people up about it. Dibble’s continual rant about “well, other players might use it, but pitchers don’t because it ruins their arms” took a major blow on Sunday with Robert Person’s two home runs for the Phillies. Now, if the game was in Colorado, that might not look suspicious, but in Philly? From a guy who just came off the DL with elbow tendinitis? Suuuure.
You know, if it wasn’t for Agassi still being there, the men’s draw at the French would be the dullest thing since…well, name any recent episode of Raw. Kuerten, gone. Hewitt, gone. Haas, gone. Those three names, BTW, were half of cnnsi.com’s Instant Poll on who will win the tournament. Hee hee. At least Hewitt can mutually console himself with Kim Clijsters, who also got her ass bounced. As for the women’s draw, we’re all waiting for the quarters to begin to start seeing the big names mutually eradicate themselves. Thank goodness there’s other stuff going on, because if we only had the French and Raw to look at, we’re in trouble.
The last time I thought about Germany and Saudi Arabia in the same sentence was 1990, and it’s a situation that prompts a reaction from me similar to Hyatte’s Z-Smooth flashbacks. It’s very fortunate for the sake of my sanity that my Former Country of Residence treated them like djeballa-clad bitches in their World Cup match. 8-0? And the German team is supposed to be weak this year? Shit.
Okay, so the guys who wrote me from the Republic of Ireland when I supposedly dissed their team a few months ago were right. Cameroon’s regarded as a good dark horse bet for the Whole Damn Thing, and the RoI pulled out a tie against them (and had a great chance to win it). Good match, and the ouster of Roy Keane didn’t seem to hurt them. I give my props to them. There. Are you happy now?
We didn’t have our legs or our heads today. – Paraguay coach Cesare Maldini, reacting to his team’s tie against a much weaker South Africa squad. Well, then use your hands to score goals. Maradona’s there; he could show you how to do that. Speaking of that match, have a look at the picture of SA’s Quinton Fortune here. Apparently, South Africa’s post-goal celebration includes doing the Time Warp.
Speaking of Time Warp, let’s turn to WWE and their attempt to convince everyone that this is 1998 again, not realizing they’ve turned the clock back too far and it’s 1995…
THE SHORT FORM
As usual, PK does it live and Keith does it on Memorex, so consult them if you want the gory details.
Match Results:
Bradshaw over (in order of appearance) Stevie Richards, Spike Dudley, Justin Credible, and Crash Holly, Hardcore Championship Match, Jackie as Special Guest Molyneux (Pinfall, Bradshaw pins Richards, New Hardcore Champion): Look, just because WWE is flashing back to 1995 doesn’t mean that you have to become Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw again, Mister Leyfield. We had enough of that the first time. Being in Texas is no excuse for any kind of goofy behavior by anyone, especially the prop people, who should be shot for delving deep into the white trash pile.
X-Suck over Goldust, King of the Ring Qualifer/Winner Is An NWO Member Match (Pinfall, X-Factor): King of the Ring does imply that the participants actually be men, doesn’t it?
Trish Stratus over Terri Runnels, Women’s Championship Lingerie Match (Pinfall, bulldog): What is it with the Runnels family and their apparent need to debase themselves in the fashion of this match and the last? You know, with parents like Dustin and Terri, Dakota’s going to need some serious shrink time as she gets a little older (she can start off with “Daddy and Mommy couldn’t stay married to each other, but they work together”).
Brock Lesnar and Eddy Guerrero over Rob Van Dam and Buh Buh Ray Dudley (Pinfall, Guerrero pins Van Dam, Froggy Style): This might not be Misawa/Kobashi versus Kawada/Taue, but it might be the closest WWE can come to that these days without involving someone named Chris. What it definitely is is the coming-out party for Brock Lesnar. This match puts him firmly in the upper-mid-card, and WWE really needs him there, Goldberg analogies or not. The advantage being, of course, that Lesnar actually has some wrestling talent to go along with Body-By-Merck.
Booker T over Billy Brass Knucks, King of the Ring Qualifying Match (Pinfall, greco-roman belt shot): As nice as it is to see Booker as a face, there are only two more slots to fill for KOTR, and thank God they’ll be filled on SD, because if they were going to Nash and Wight, I’d be seriously considering suicide.
The Undertaker over Tommy Dreamer, Too Disgusting To Mention Match (Submission, dragging sleeper): What was the point of all of this? Look, whatever that show’s called, I don’t watch it, I don’t know what it is, I don’t care. I’m too damn old for this shit. I’m definitely too old to contemplate what the hell Jeff Hardy was doing getting involved in this, other than his semi-annual “Let’s Prove Again He Can’t Get Over By Himself” push.
Steve Austin over Ric Flair, Pure Wrestling Match, Loser Becomes Winner’s Bitch (Pinfall, Stunner): And you thought with Lil’ Naitch as ref, the fix was in, huh? Job Austin in Texas? Only if they’re turning him heel. What the hell was up with that commercial break, though?
Angle Developments:
Okay, NOW You Have My Attention: Flair, Benoit, and Eddy in the ring cutting a great promo, Austin in full defiance mode circa 1998, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, baby, give daddy some LUUUUVVV, oh baby it’s been so long since you’ve given me such great promo…OH, SHIT, MY SOUP’S BOILING OVER! DAMMIT!…where’s the goddamn paper towels?!…glad that’s settled. Hey, what’s Arn doing on the floor, and why did someone pour mustard on his shirt? He have a hot dog accident or something?
Actually, I shouldn’t make light of this one considering the reaction of my bud Rick McBride. Here’s what he has to say about that ending (something that was written before the “I’m Making You My Bitch Tonight” contract signing/promo:
Well, I turned off Raw when the simulated “urinating on Arn Anderson” scene started. I don’t know what they’re thinking. It’s neither funny nor entertaining. I think the writers have finally given up on improving the product, and I won’t even bother watching anymore. As big a mark as I am for Flair, I’m not the least bit interested in seeing a Flair/Austin match at his age. Neither of the men can put on much of a match anymore, apart from a few signature moves.
It’s probably the mark in me more than anything else that wants to stop watching now. I put up with the Mark Henry nonsense with Mae Young a while back because I really don’t give a shit about either of them. Pissing on Arn Anderson, however is just wrong, angle or no. I’m sure it fulfills some sick fantasy of Vince’s, but it crosses a line I thought would never be crossed.
I’ll still read your stuff, and the rest of 411 (like Hyatte, reading his column on Scoops a couple years back is what got me to “get back into wrestling” this late in my life). Maybe things will change, and I’ll want to watch again, but after tonight, I’m not real optimistic
about that…
Just a couple of ripostes from my direction:
1) Imagine what a Flair/Austin match could have been like in 1994 had Flair had his way with WCW, instead of Bischoff bringing in Hogan. Some things get better with age. However, this match is now eight years past its sell-by date.
2) Personally, I was rather immune to the whole scene. I mean, I have memories not only of Mae Young giving birth to the hand, but images emblazoned on to my brain of Sammy the Transvestite, Wally Yamaguchi’s samurai sword, Vince pissing his pants, Pat Patterson’s skid marks…you know, now that I think about it, why are we all damning Vince Russo for his rampant egotism in WCW when he did far more damage to the concept of taste and good sense in the WWF, damage that remains to this day?
3) Too bad you tuned out, Rick. You ended up missing Tommy Dreamer’s vomit scenes, just the thing to take your mind off of someone getting pissed on.
Oh, Like Who Didn’t Predict This Surprise?: I did, on January 15th. So it took them five months to finally do it, but they did it. What makes me shake my head is the fact that he didn’t have to say a word. Him and Nash in the same ring for the first time in six years said everything, including that hug (which was not only a shoot, but also reminded us smarks of the MSG Incident; too bad they couldn’t replicate that, what with Trip on SD and Hall in Memphis). All the positives of that moment, though, have to be tempered with all the negative connotations (Memo to BFM: Please, for your sake, inform Jon a little more about 1995). I’m not only talking about the backstage stuff. I’m talking about on-screen as well. Who among us believes that Shawn Michaels would play second-fiddle to anyone in a group, even Kevin Nash? The seeds of the inevitable NWO break-up have been planted. Now all the writing crew has to do is spread some of that fertilizer they’ve been shoving down the audiences’ collective throat, and blossoms will emerge.
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
What can I tell you that Ashish already hasn’t? Let’s hope he leaves me something to chew on tomorrow, otherwise it’s more World Cup coverage.
One more item of note: Reader Nestor Martinez is looking for anyone who taped June Bugs who can dub him a copy of everything from the Ds onward. If you did tape June Bugs and can do a dub, you can reach Nestor at zenitramn@hotmail.com
Well, I’m finally getting sleepy, so let’s hope I can catch a few hours of rest before heading to work. Tomorrow, more of the same old crap, and, as always, my columns are interview-transcript-free…
About Eric Szulczewski
