The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant X
This compilation comes courtesy of Chris George, fellow Canadian and
also dweller of Maple Ridge, BC, a town I lived in until 1989 when I was
dragged off to Edmonton kicking and screaming. Unfortunately he asked
for ECW in return so his taste can’t be that great, but I always
appreciate new wrestling…
Tape #1: The Best of the WWF vol. 12.
Opening match: Ricky Steamboat v. Kamala. You know how I always talk
about how hard it is to get a bad match out of Steamer? Well there ya
go. Kamala batters Steamboat (who sells well) with his power moves
while Fuji cheats from time to time. Steamboat gets almost no offense
in and most of his role here is being tossed around the ring like a
ragdoll. Fuji is painted like the Demos so this would be post-87 and
thus Steamboat is on the way out anyway. More kicks from Kamala before
Steamboat fights back with chops to the gut, and lures Kamala into a
charge, which misses. More chops get Kamala stunned, but he won’t fall.
Steamboat goes off the ropes and KimChee interferes and gets knocked
off. Steamboat with the TOP ROPE CHOP OF DOOM! but gets caught by
Kamala coming off the top the second time, big splash, see ya. Better
times were ahead for Steamboat, of course. 0 for 1.
– Kamala v. Tito Santana. Interestingly, this was from early 1987, when
Kamala was still managed by the Wizard (King Curtis), who would go on to
form the Dungeon of Doom in 1995. This is a dark match from a
Superstars taping. Santana gets more offense in than Steamboat did, but
inevitably makes the stupid mistake of attempting a test of strength
with Kamala. This is like watching the Oddities today. RSPW likes to
adopt the term “dark match” as though it was some kind of insider term,
but they’re throwing it around here on a 1987 videotape. If Craig
DeGeorge is using it, it’s not an insider term. The test of strength
wastes about 7 minutes as Tito keeps refusing. Finally he accepts and
gets brought to his knees. Kamala tosses him to the corner, but misses
a charge. A couple of chops is enough to take over, however. AWA
emigrant Marty Miller is the referee, and the fact that I’m pointing
this out shows how little there is to point out in the match.
BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-RING. Santana fights back with punches but gets
tripped by the Wizard and pinned by Kamala. How did this tub of goo
ever get a job? 0 for 2.
– The Machines (Big, Super, Piper) v. Studd, Bundy and the Brain. The
Piper Machine keeps taking off his mask when the ref’s back is turned to
annoy Heenan. Bundy starts out against the Super Machine (Demolition
Ax) and is fairly successful. Big Machine (Blackjack Mulligan) tries
his luck against Studd and does pretty well, too. The Piper Machine
tags in and manages a sunset flip on Studd, then cleans house on the
heels. He works in the eye-poke, of course. A chase of Heenan leads to
Piper getting ambushed by Studd. The heels work on Piper’s injured knee
(he got the shit beat out of him by Orton & Muraco, remember?) and it
becomes the standard Studd & Bundy snooze-a-thon. Bundy makes a point
of trying to rip off Piper’s mask, as though it was some huge secret who
he was. Hot tag to Big Machine, who unloads on the heels. It doesn’t
last long as Bundy takes over on him. Resthold-a-mania results. Piper
tags in, SLAMS STUDD!, and when Bundy elbowdrops Studd by mistake, gets
the pin. Whoa, I didn’t think Hot Rod had it in him. 0 for 3.
– Brutus Beefcake v. Johnny V. This is the same match from the Brutus
Beefcake video I reviewed a little while back. Beefcake squashes him
with ease and gives him a funny haircut. 0 for 4.
– Coliseum Classic: Gorilla Monsoon & Pedro Morales v. The Mongols.
The Mongols were the International tag team champions, which directly
pre-dated the WWF tag team titles. This is from the early 60s, and Bepo
Mongol only retired recently. You’d probably know him better
as…Nikolai Volkoff. Gito dominates Monsoon with a couple of
cross-corner whips and two stomps off the top rope to win the first
fall. In the second fall, the heels are beating Pedro up until he makes
the tag to Monsoon, who locks Gito into a bearhug. Bepo breaks it up.
They double-team him until the referee disqualifies the Mongols to give
the second fall to the faces. In the third fall, Pedro cleans house on
the heels and gets the fall after a splash on Gito. I’ve seen better
old school matches. 0 for 5.
– Paul Orndorff v. George “The Animal” Steele. Heenan tears up a poster
of Elizabeth to distract Steele, allowing Orndorff to attack. Animal
fights back with biting and rams Orndorff into the turnbuckle, then eats
it. Orndorff gets rammed into the steel corner, and Animal chases the
Brain all the way back to the dressing room. Orndorff gets tossed and
Animal tries to re-assemble the poster. Orndorff attacks from behind
and hammers him in the corner. He grabs a cable from the cameraman and
chokes out Steele. Charge to the corner misses and Animal bites his
arm. Steele actually uses…PSYCHOLOGY! He works on the arm and goes
for the flying hammerlock, but Heenan comes back with another Liz
poster, prompting Steele to grab a chair and chase. The ref gets in the
way and gets bumped, causing the DQ. Monsoon comments that it’s too bad
he didn’t get a full shot with the chair, as he’d been lamenting the
refereeing job the whole match. 0 for 6.
– Women’s title match: The Fabulous Moolah v. Leilani Kai. I think
I’ve made all the Moolah jokes humanly possible, so I’ll refrain here.
This is actually fairly fast-paced, as Moolah dominates with the
standard hair-throws and slingshots that dominate North American women’s
wrestling. They fight outside the ring and it gets hardcore as Moolah
whacks Kai with a telephone and slams her on the concrete. Editing
brings us back in the ring, as Moolah chokes the challenger and kicks
away. Kai gets a bodypress for two. Crowd doesn’t seem terribly
interested. Leglock by Leilani. Cross-body attempt misses and Moolah
takes over with more choking. Moolah and the ref get into an argument
over a break and Kai attacks from behind and chokes away. Then Kai and
the referee get into a shoving match and Moolah attacks from behind and
cradles for the win. Started good but went downhill fast. 0 for 7.
– A retrospective of Finkel’s bad tuxedos.
– Mean Gene trains with Hulk Hogan…oh, please god don’t let them show
that match. Anything but that match.
– Whew, they’re not showing it.
– Kamala v. Hulk Hogan. Oh, yeah, this is much better. Kamala
dominates for a while, Hulk blades, big splash but Hulk does the hulk up
thing, clothesline, three punches of death, big boot, bodyslam, legdrop
and it’s over. 0 for 8.
The Bottom Line: Not even worth a rental.
Tape #2: Wrestlefest 90.
Opening match: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper v. “Macho King” Randy Savage.
Superstars dark match from 1990, or main event of a WCW PPV in 1998?
You make the call. Savage is in aquamarine tights, which look very odd
for some reason. Savage trashtalks Piper and Sherri gets in his face,
allowing Savage to come off the top to attack. Doesn’t help much as
Piper goes right after him. Head to the turnbuckle and an atomic drop,
followed by a clothesline for two. Sherri interferes again and it
backfires again. Piper with a sunset flip for two. Savage comes back
with an elbow, but Piper small packages him for two. Savage bails and
Piper beats on him back to the ring. Sherri distracts Piper again and
Savage gains control. Axehandle off the top for two. Top rope neck
snap and the knee to the back sends Piper to the floor, and then a
double axe-handle to the floor. This is classic Macho Man. He drags
Piper to the apron and Sherri gets a nice enzuigiri in on him. Back in
the ring and Savage chokes him out for a couple of one-counts. Piper
with elbows and a clothesline, then he boxes him in the corner and
bites. Savage flips in the corner and hangs in the Tree of Woe,
allowing Piper the chance to kick away. Airplane spin from Piper, and
there’s the point right there. It gets two. Piper is dizzy and falls
back on a slam, giving Savage a two count. So Savage does his own
airplane spin, even faster and twice as long. He goes to the top and is
so dizzy and falls to the floor. This is too funny. Piper hammers him
outside and a double-countout results. Boo. 1 for 1. Piper beats up
Savage and Sherri after the decision.
– Fan Favorite match: Dino Bravo v. Ultimate Warrior. The kid also
asked for Brainbusters v. Rockers, and they give us this. Great.
Warrior and Bravo did the exact same match, move for move, about 100
times in 1989. Powerslam by Warrior right away, and he hits a double
axehandle off the top rope. Another try and Earthquake distracts him
long enough for Bravo to attack from behind. It has no effect.
Shoulderblocks don’t budge the Warrior, and Warrior hiptosses Bravo on
another try. Cross-corner whip and slam, but Earthquake grabs the leg,
allowing Bravo to give him a shot from behind. Warrior falls out of the
ring and crawls under the ring, taking Jimmy Hart with him and ripping
off his pants. They fight outside the ring, with Warrior dominating.
Back in and Warrior turns a backdrop attempt into a suplex, but the
splash hits nothing but knee, which should signal the sucky segment of
the match. Test of strength but Warrior fights to his feet and kicks
away. Whip but the charge misses and Bravo hits a belly-to-back.
Bearhug by Bravo, reversed by Warrior. Reverse atomic drop from Bravo,
but the elbowdrop misses. Warrior slams him and sells a back injury,
allowing Bravo to knee him in the back and send him outside for Quake to
beat on. Back in and Bravo with the SIDEWALK SLAM OF DOOM! for two.
Warrior shakes the ropes to come back, punches of doom, three
clotheslines, shoulderblock and splash, but Earthquake breaks it up for
the DQ, so Warrior takes him out too. Earthquake destroys Warrior and
Hogan makes the save. Call me crazy, but I liked this match. 2 for 2.
– Manager’s profile: Mr. Fuji.
– Rick Martel v. Brutus Beefcake. Stalling galore as they argue over
who has the better body. Finally Martel charges and Brutus with the
hiptoss. Martel bails. Back in and Brutus with punches to dominate and
a headlock. Brutus with the usual but gets caught with an atomic drop
while going for the 10 PUNCHES OF DOOM! Chinlock. A looooooooong one.
Small package by Brutus for two. Martel stomps away. Backbreaker and
he goes to the top and takes forever, allowing Beefcake to get up and
shake him off. Beefcake punches him off and atomic drops him, both
ways. Clothesline sends Martel out of the ring. Back in and Brutus
sunset flips in, but Martel grabs the ropes and holds on for the win.
Boring match. 2 for 3.
– Profile on the Hart Foundation.
– The Powers of Pain v. The Hart Foundation. Tony Schiavone is hyping
Hogan-Warrior here, calling it the greatest match of all time. Some
things never change. Barbarian and Anvil start, trading shoulderblocks.
Miscommunication from the heels and Anvil gets a quick two. Hitman
comes in and batters Barbie, then the Hart double-team stuff. They work
on the arm. Warlord tags in and they work on his arm, too. Barbarian
gets in and takes over on Bret. We’re moving in Ultra Slo-Mo Deluxe
(tm). Cross corner whip on Bret and a forearm to the back. Gorilla
Monsoon would describe this as “setting a deliberate pace”. Hot tag to
Neidhart who blitzes both Powers, and gets a two count on Warlord,
broken up by Barbarian. Fuji trips Anvil and he chases, leading to a
shot behind his back and all heck breaks loose. A caneshot hits Warlord
by mistake and the Hart beat the count in. Yawn-o-rama. 2 for 4. I
should point out that the Howard Finkel sound-a-like ring announcer is a
real tool.
– The Hart Foundation v. Dino Bravo & Honky Tonk Man. Oh, this should
be good. Not. Bravo and Bret trade blows and then Honky comes in and
gets stomped in short order. Make-a-wish from the Harts. Bearhug from
the Anvil. Bravo tags in and gets an inverted atomic drop on Anvil.
Anvil plays Ricky Morton as Honky uses devastating axehandle blows and a
chinlock. Bravo hammers away with kicks and forearms and a slam. Honky
adds some more kicks as they double-team Neidhart. Big elbow from
Bravo, but Honky’s firstdrop misses and Bret gets the hot tag. Bret
hammers Honky in the corner and cleans house. Rollup for two. Elbow
off the second rope and a pier-six erupts. Bret and HTM collide in the
center as Neidhart gets escorted out of the ring. The megaphone gets
tossed into the ring and Anvil goes nuts with it to draw the DQ. 2 for
5, and I should point out that this tape is starting to suck.
– The Hart Foundation v. The Rockers. YES! YES! YES! Bret and Marty
start. Jannetty with a cross-body for two and an armbar. Tag to Shawn
and he’s in with a shot to Bret’s arm. Hard to believe that Shawn v.
Bret would headline many a PPV in years to come. Michaels with a couple
of leapfrogs but gets caught with an atomic drop. Neidhart tags in and
dominates Shawn with power stuff. Bret cheats and nails Shawn with a
shot to the head from the apron, then comes in to beat him up. Neidhart
in with a knee to the neck to rest. Harts seem to be playing the heels.
Bearhug on Shawn. Bret hammers him in the corner and tries a
backbreaker but Shawn flips out (literally) and escapes, only to be hit
with an elbow to the head. Neidhart in with a standing dropkick for
two. Monster backdrop for two. SHAWN IS GOD! Hitman with elbows to
the head, but the double-team catapult misses and Neidhart eats mat.
Hart in with a cross-corner whip, reversed, but Shawn eats boot. Bret’s
elbow off the second rope misses. Hot tag. Flying elbow and dropkick
on Hart, and a powerslam for two. Double clothesline, which Hart gets
the worst of. Two count. Shawn in for a double superkick for one
before Anvil makes the save. Snap suplex for two. Cross corner whip
and Shawn goes over the top of Bret but gets caught with a clothesline.
Bret tags Anvil, who gets whipped by Shawn into Bret. Bret does the
dive into the railing and plays dead, and the Rougeaus run in and attack
the Rockers for the cheap DQ. Harts make the save. Close, but I’ll go
3 for 6.
– Spotlight on the WWF moving crew.
– WWF title match: Hulk Hogan v. Mr. Perfect. This should be decent.
Lockup and Hennig gets tossed right out of the ring. Three bodyslams
and Hennig and bails. Double noggin knocker for the Genius and a slam
on the floor. Hennig and Poffo double-team Hogan in the ring, but it’s
for naught. Elbow on Hennig and he gets his head caught between the
ropes as Hogan beats on Poffo. Hogan wails away on Hennig while he’s
caught in the ropes, sportsman that he is. Cross-corner whip and elbow
and Hennig goes over the top rope again. Another noggin knocker outside
the ring and back in to continue the beating. Big clothesline and
headfirst to the turnbuckle, which Hennig comically oversells, and then
more punches. Hogan puts his head down and gets kicked and
clotheslined. Choke on the top rope and Hennig hammers away. Hogan
goes outside and Hennig follows with chops and a whip to the post, which
is reversed by Hogan. Hogan whips him to the other post. Back in and
Hennig shoulderblocks him from the apron and rams him headfirst to the
turnbuckle. Hennig to the top with a double axe-handle which Hogan
doesn’t bother to sell. Sleeper. Hogan fights out and puts him on the
top rope, then grabs him by the hair and rams him crotchfirst on the
turnbuckle. OUCH! Atomic drop, but the big elbow misses. Now you’re
gonna see a Perfectplex…but it only gets two, thus killing the move
from then on. Hogan hulks up, big boot causes Hennig to bail and they
fight outside the ring. Hennig takes a home run swing with a chair and
misses. Damn. Hennig crawls back into the ring and loads his kneepad
with brass knuckles as the Genius distracts the referee, allowing
Perfect to knee him off the apron and knock him out cold on the floor.
Mighty Hulk makes it back into the ring and steals the object, nailing
Hennig and dropping the leg…but he’s still wearing the knucks on his
hand, so Hebner disqualifies him. Hah, it’s about time! This was good
enough for a point. 4 for 7. Crybaby Hulk, WHILE STILL WEARING THE
BRASS KNUCKLES, threatens to beat up Hebner for the supposed bad
decision.
– Ted Dibiase and Akeem v. Jake Roberts and Ultimate Warrior. Big
Bossman is the guest referee. Standard Superstars dark match main
event. I’m in no mood to watch. Roberts spends the entirety of the
match either trying the DDT or getting beat up. Warrior gets the hot
tag and makes his daily money by doing his only moves: three
clotheslines, flying shoulderblock, and splash for the pin. Virgil
takes the DDT. 4 for 8.
The Bottom Line:
Well, .500 ain’t bad. An enjoyable enough tape, although a token Bret
or Shawn match would have been nice. It’s certainly worth a look.
