The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant XII: What Do You Mean I Already Did #13?
– Well, a previously viewed video sale at the local video store always
equals good times for you, the reader. With my first pass through the
joint, I grabbed Survivor Series 93 (I needed better copy), Invasion 92
(that tape with Flair v. Hart and Michaels)…and these two tapes: Best
of Saturday Night’s Main Event and WWF Mega Matches.
Tape #1: Saturday Night’s Main Event: Greatest Hits.
– I think the concept here is pretty easy to get around, yes?
– Opening match, WWF title, flag match: Hulk Hogan v. Nikolai Volkoff.
Hogan is wearing his rarely-seen white outfit, and that dastardly
Russian bastard attacks him before the bell. Hogan quickly comes back
with the usual array of punches and cheating to rally. A medium-sized
boot sends Volkoff gently crashing to the floor and they “brawl”.
Volkoff gets the better of Hulk and goes to work on the back. Volkoff’s
Atomic Wedgie of Doom Backbreaker nearly kills poor Hulk. But no! Hulk
is alive and well, sadly. Hulk kicks out of a BODYSLAM OF DOOM! and
hulks up. You know the rest. Not exactly Flair-Steamboat, but they
kept it short and energetic for TV reasons. 1 for 1. Hulk does things
to the Russian flag that would nearly start a national incident when
Shawn did them to the Canadian flag years later.
– Hulk Hogan & Junkfood Dog v. The Funk Brothers. ECW fans rejoice,
Terry Funk is on this tape. Basically a comedy match to start, as a
double-criss-cross with Hulk goes awry and the Funks end up running back
and forth across the ring. JYD gets caught in the Texas corner and
double-teamed, prompting a great line from Heenan about Dog’s head:
“It’s amazing how nature protects the weakest part of the body with the
strongest!” Hulk and JYD clear the ring, but that vile Jimmy Hart
knocks face mascot Haiti Kid off the apron with the branding iron.
Lord, what junk this is. Terry stomps the midget one last time as JYD
carries him off. Now THAT’S funny. Hogan somehow gets taken advantage
of and nailed with the branding iron. This match is a total mess at
this point, as everyone is just kind of running around with no idea of
what to do. They fight outside the ring and Terry takes a backdrop from
Hulk to the floor. Decent bump. Haiti Kid returns with a wrap around
his head. “JYD” chant is dubbed in. It’s pretty hypocritical for the
WWF to make fun of WCW for that practice, IMO. Hulk gets the hot tag
and hits the legdrop a few seconds later on Terry for the pin. The
Funks brutalize the midget after the match. This was a waste of 10
minutes. 1 for 2.
– Intercontinental title match: Randy Savage v. George Steele. The IC
title is on the line here, and so is Elizabeth. Savage has the
Technicolor Dreamcoat robe tonight. Jesse rightly points out what a
disgusting little pervert Mean Gene is for hitting on Liz. Savage jumps
Steele and tries to send Liz back to the dressing room, but Ricky
Steamboat stops him. George rams Savage to a couple of turnbuckles and
eats one. Savage takes the opportunity to high knee him into the
exposed corner and hits the double axehandle. Steele comes back with
choking and biting. He eats another turnbuckle and tosses stuffing at
Savage, which Savage is nice enough to sell. Brawl outside the ring and
Savage smashes Liz’s chair into Steele for the countout win. You’d
think two people who had as many matches as these two would learn to
have a GOOD one. 1 for 3.
– WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. Paul Orndorff. This is a
rather famous match, stemming from perhaps the most famous heel turn of
the modern era. Both guys use “Real American” as their music. This was
the first steel cage match on network TV, so sayeth Vince McMahon.
Orndorff attacks quickly and goes for the door two or three times in the
first minute. Hogan goes right into his melodramatic overselling of
every little move. Orndorff climbs out, but Hogan grabs him by the
hair. Jesse: “Hogan would not be the champion if Mr. Wonderful was
bald.” Hogan rams Orndorff into the cage a few times and chokes him
out. Some more stuff and Hogan wipes out Orndorff, but Heenan locks the
cage door, preventing Hogan from escaping. Double KO spot, and both get
up and start climbing out over the top. Both drop down at the same time
— Joey Marella declares Hulk the winner, Danny Davis declares Orndorff
the winner. Hogan and Orndorff brawl on the floor, and Finkel declares
the match a tie, and the match continues. Orndorff goes back to work on
Hogan. Hulk up, Heenan comes in and gets rammed to the cage, Hulk
escapes and retains. Bleh match. 1 for 4. Hogan beats up poor Bobby
some more, and Heenan bumps better than either guy in the match.
– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Hercules Hernandez. How’d this make the cut?
Hercules controls and Bigelow does the Goldberg “Oh, gosh, excuse me, I
believe you bumped into me” selling job for a bit, then they fight
outside the ring for a double countout. And that’s the match in it’s
exciting entirety. 1 for 5. Oh, wait, sorry, Bam Bam didn’t come all
the way to Seattle for a draw, and if Hercules has any guts the match
will continue.
– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Hercules Hernandez, take two: They do a
shoulderblock challenge and Bammer cartwheels out of the way. Herc
takes over, but gets caught coming off the top rope, slammed, and
slingshot splashed for the pin. Nope, still 1 for 5.
– IC title match: Honky Tonk Man v. Randy Savage. Joined in progress.
Savage whups HTM’s ass from one side to the other. Honky makes a
comeback, but goes after Elizabeth and gets creamed. Savage gets a
couple of sure pinfall attempts, but Jimmy Hart pulls him off both
times. Savage nails Hart, prompting the Hart Foundation to make the
run-in. They carry Hart back to the dressing room and Savage continues
killing Honky. Savage misses a blind, charge, however, and Honky takes
over. Fistdrop misses, and Savage goes for the kill. Honky manages to
toss Savage over the top, and the Harts beat him down. Honky gets a two
count off it. Savage blocks the REVERSE NECKBREAKER OF DOOM and hits
the flying elbow, but the Harts run in and cause the DQ. Really good
match, probably around ***1/2. 2 for 6. Then, the REALLY important
portion begins: The Harts slap Savage around like their bitch, and
Honky grabs the guitar for the big shot to the head. Liz runs in and
steps in front to prevent the shot, so Honky shoves her down. Ooooooo.
Liz runs back to the dressing room and Honky finishes his guitar shot
after a few melodramatic stutter-stops. Then, from the dressing room,
here comes the Hulkster to make the save for the first time, kicking off
10 years of living in his shadow. “The crowd goes wild” is a pretty
understated way to put it. The Megapowers do the first ever Megapower
Handshake and history is made.
The Bottom Line #1: There was a Piper v. Orndorff match advertised on
the box, but it wasn’t on there for some reason. There was also a
picture of Bret Hart slamming Randy Savage, which is just a vicious and
unfair tease of the ****1/2 Savage/Hart match from SNME, but that’s not
on there either. What IS on there is a whole lot of Hogan, with really
only one good match: Savage v. Honky. Take a pass on this one and get
Volume II, which has the Rockers v. the Brainbusters.
– Tape #2: WWF Mega Matches.
– Well, after taking a break and packing for my vacation (which starts
tomorrow), I decide to make an extra-strong glass of iced tea and brave
this 1991 release. Randy Savage is on the cover, but there’s nothing of
note advertised on the back, so I cross my fingers and hope…
– No theme, just Sean Mooney in the WWF control room.
– Opening match: Tito Santana v. Earthquake. Ooooooh, I’m not feeling
good about this choice. Well, it was only $4 a tape, so it’s not all
bad. This is hyped as a “Mega Matchup” but unless the poles suddenly
reverse and throw Tenta off his game, I’d wager it’ll be a “Mega
Squash”. Earthquake stands around and allows Tito to bounce off him a
few times, and then Tito gets a wristlock. What a worker that
Earthquake was. He tosses Santana around and gets the BEARHUG OF
ULTIMATE INCONVENIENCE! Santana comes back with the flying burrito,
cheerfully no-sold by Quake, and leading to the Butt Splash of Doom for
the…oh, wait, here comes Tugboat and Dino Bravo to actually give this
match a double-DQ ending. I don’t know whether Santana should be
insulted or flattered. HTM and Valentine join the fray and Jimmy Hart’s
crew quadruple-teams poor Shockmaster. Hark! Our hero Jim Duggan makes
the save, just in time to remind everyone about the Survivor Series
match that was inevitably coming up. 0 for 1.
– Big Bossman v. Bobby Heenan. This the oh-so-exciting blowoff for the
“Rick Rude insults Bossman’s mother” angle. Heenan tries to weasel out
of the match and apologize to Bossman’s mother before the match. After
about 5 minutes of stalling by Heenan, Bossman attacks, clotheslines
Heenan, and pins him with one foot. 0 for 2. Mr. Spiffy tries a
blindside attack, but gets chased off.
– Sgt. Slaughter v. Hacksaw Duggan. From an episode of Superstars in
1990. Duggan kicks and punches to take control, but Gen. Adnan pokes
Duggan with the flag to give Slaughter the upper hand. More lumbering
than an episode of This Old House here. Duggan chases Adnan to the
dressing room and gets counted out. 0 for 3.
– The Barbarian v. Bret Hart. Okay, a Bret Hart appearance, that gives
me hope. In an odd moment, Bret gives his tag belt to the referee…who
holds it in the air. Uh, I don’t think it’s on the line here, dude.
Barbarian is in his FURRY UNDERWEAR OF DEATH period. Barbarian slowly
headbutts Bret a bunch, but makes the mistake of going for the Elbow
From the Second Rope Which Doth Never Hit. It doesn’t hit,
coincidentally enough. Bret comes back with some punches. FIVE MOVES
OF DOOM! The referee is TERRIBLE, blowing two pinfall attempts,
counting too slow for the first and too fat for the second. Bret goes
for a sunset flip, Barbarian blocks and poses, which allows Bret to
finish the move for the pin. Short, nothing match. 0 for 4.
– Greg Valentine & Honky Tonk Man v. The Sheepf*ckers. This is your
average super-accelerated timeframe Primetime Wrestling main event, as
the Whackers control for the first 10 seconds, the heels double-team
Luke for the next minute, and Butch grabs the guitar at about the 3
minute mark for the DQ. 0 for 5.
– Hulk Hogan v. Dino Bravo. Bravo brings Earthquake, Hogan brings
Bossman. Hogan dominates to start. That vile, nasty, Earthquake trips
and beats on Hogan, allowing Bravo to choke out Hogan. BEARHUG OF
ETERNAL DAMNATION! Side slam gets two, hulk up, three punches, big
boot, legdrop, pin. 0 for 6.
– At home with Hillbilly Jim in Mudlick, Kentucky. For 10 points, guess
which button on my remote gets the most use for the next two minutes or
so.
– The British Bulldog v. Haku. This was Davey Boy’s return to the WWF
as a singles wrestler for the first time, fresh off a run in Stampede as
the North American champion before that particular promotion folded.
We’re joined in progress, and when we join THIS in progress and show
everything that came before in it’s entirety, that can’t mean good
things for this match. Haku dominates slowly. Davey Boy comes back
with a bodypress for two and a crucifix for two. Haku with a nasty
piledriver for two. More resting. This tape is dragging worse than a
meeting of the Shane Douglas fan club, with keynote speaker Shane
Douglas. Avast ye mateys, fast forward and don’t stop until you see the
whites of their workrate! More sluggish action leads to a Davey Boy
sharpshooter (!?) but Haku makes the ropes. Haku comes back and hits a
shoulderbreaker for two. I smell a draw. Backdrop and delayed suplex
gets two for DBS. Powerslam finishes it. Too long. 0 for 7.
– Randy Savage v. Jim Duggan. From MSG. Duggan punches away to start.
This is possibly the last appearance of his old-style short trunks,
before he switched over to the multicolored long ones that he’s worn
ever since. I always thought Savage looked 10x cooler with the old
tights, but maybe that’s just me. Duggan gets blindsided by Sherri and
Savage keeps kicking him in the face as he tries to get in. Duggan
finally makes the comeback, backdropping Savage over the top, and then
he tosses him over the railing into the crowd. Couple of nice bumps
there. More brawling outside the ring. Duggan hits the KNEEDROP OF
ALL-ENCOMPASSING HORROR but Sherri distracts the ref and it only gets a
two. Another pin attempt and Sherri breaks it up again. Duggan jaws at
her, which allows Savage to come back with his usual and finish it with
the big elbow…oops, Duggan moved. Three clotheslines, and the fourth
sends Savage to the floor, and Duggan, the IDIOT, chases. Sherri nails
him from behind and Duggan goes after her. Everyone ends up in the ring
and the ref gets bumped. Duggan gets a small package but Danny Davis is
out. Another clothesline off an atomic drop, but the ref is still out.
Man, that was a pretty devastating high knee from Savage! Someone
should have used that on Davis when he was a wrestler, they could have
won in under a minute every time! Savage gets an international object
and nails Duggan. It gets two. Man, this crowd is JACKED. Savage with
the Flair pin (with an assist from Sherri) for three. So sue me, I
liked it. 1 for 8.
– Savage on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” as he cheats
outrageously to beat Robin Leach at croquet.
– Cage match: Randy Savage v. The Ultimate Warrior. Savage hides
behind the ring barrier and jumps Warrior on the way to the ring.
Brother Love is doing color commentary. Warrior pounds on Savage
outside the ring and then tosses him into the cage to begin the match
proper. Warrior kicks Savage’s ass (literally) for a while, but gets
rammed into the cage to slow him down. Both guys are WAY overselling
here. Double clothesline puts both guys down. Savage rams Warrior to
the cage again and chokes him. A lot. Choke choke choke. Savage
chokes Warrior like Tank Abbott in a UFC final. Savage hits the big
elbow and Earl Hebner runs into the ring, just so Warrior can kick out
of Savage’s finisher, even in a match with no pinfalls. Three
clotheslines hit, but the big splash hits the knees. Savage climbs out,
but Warrior grabs Savage’s hair when he’s about a foot away from the
floor. Warrior holds on by Savage’s hair, and Sherri comes into the
ring to help Savage. She chokes Warrior out, and when he lets go of
Savage to shove her off…well, you figure it out. Warrior never was
the brightest bulb in the lamp. Warrior rips off Sherri’s
clothes…ewww. 1 for 9.
The Bottom Line #2: My mother always says if you have nothing nice to
say about a tape, don’t say anything at all.
