The Coliseum Video Rant XII


The Netcop Coliseum Video Rant XII: What Do You Mean I Already Did #13?

– Well, a previously viewed video sale at the local video store always

equals good times for you, the reader. With my first pass through the

joint, I grabbed Survivor Series 93 (I needed better copy), Invasion 92

(that tape with Flair v. Hart and Michaels)…and these two tapes: Best

of Saturday Night’s Main Event and WWF Mega Matches.

Tape #1: Saturday Night’s Main Event: Greatest Hits.

– I think the concept here is pretty easy to get around, yes?

– Opening match, WWF title, flag match: Hulk Hogan v. Nikolai Volkoff.

Hogan is wearing his rarely-seen white outfit, and that dastardly

Russian bastard attacks him before the bell. Hogan quickly comes back

with the usual array of punches and cheating to rally. A medium-sized

boot sends Volkoff gently crashing to the floor and they “brawl”.

Volkoff gets the better of Hulk and goes to work on the back. Volkoff’s

Atomic Wedgie of Doom Backbreaker nearly kills poor Hulk. But no! Hulk

is alive and well, sadly. Hulk kicks out of a BODYSLAM OF DOOM! and

hulks up. You know the rest. Not exactly Flair-Steamboat, but they

kept it short and energetic for TV reasons. 1 for 1. Hulk does things

to the Russian flag that would nearly start a national incident when

Shawn did them to the Canadian flag years later.

– Hulk Hogan & Junkfood Dog v. The Funk Brothers. ECW fans rejoice,

Terry Funk is on this tape. Basically a comedy match to start, as a

double-criss-cross with Hulk goes awry and the Funks end up running back

and forth across the ring. JYD gets caught in the Texas corner and

double-teamed, prompting a great line from Heenan about Dog’s head:

“It’s amazing how nature protects the weakest part of the body with the

strongest!” Hulk and JYD clear the ring, but that vile Jimmy Hart

knocks face mascot Haiti Kid off the apron with the branding iron.

Lord, what junk this is. Terry stomps the midget one last time as JYD

carries him off. Now THAT’S funny. Hogan somehow gets taken advantage

of and nailed with the branding iron. This match is a total mess at

this point, as everyone is just kind of running around with no idea of

what to do. They fight outside the ring and Terry takes a backdrop from

Hulk to the floor. Decent bump. Haiti Kid returns with a wrap around

his head. “JYD” chant is dubbed in. It’s pretty hypocritical for the

WWF to make fun of WCW for that practice, IMO. Hulk gets the hot tag

and hits the legdrop a few seconds later on Terry for the pin. The

Funks brutalize the midget after the match. This was a waste of 10

minutes. 1 for 2.

– Intercontinental title match: Randy Savage v. George Steele. The IC

title is on the line here, and so is Elizabeth. Savage has the

Technicolor Dreamcoat robe tonight. Jesse rightly points out what a

disgusting little pervert Mean Gene is for hitting on Liz. Savage jumps

Steele and tries to send Liz back to the dressing room, but Ricky

Steamboat stops him. George rams Savage to a couple of turnbuckles and

eats one. Savage takes the opportunity to high knee him into the

exposed corner and hits the double axehandle. Steele comes back with

choking and biting. He eats another turnbuckle and tosses stuffing at

Savage, which Savage is nice enough to sell. Brawl outside the ring and

Savage smashes Liz’s chair into Steele for the countout win. You’d

think two people who had as many matches as these two would learn to

have a GOOD one. 1 for 3.

– WWF World title, cage match: Hulk Hogan v. Paul Orndorff. This is a

rather famous match, stemming from perhaps the most famous heel turn of

the modern era. Both guys use “Real American” as their music. This was

the first steel cage match on network TV, so sayeth Vince McMahon.

Orndorff attacks quickly and goes for the door two or three times in the

first minute. Hogan goes right into his melodramatic overselling of

every little move. Orndorff climbs out, but Hogan grabs him by the

hair. Jesse: “Hogan would not be the champion if Mr. Wonderful was

bald.” Hogan rams Orndorff into the cage a few times and chokes him

out. Some more stuff and Hogan wipes out Orndorff, but Heenan locks the

cage door, preventing Hogan from escaping. Double KO spot, and both get

up and start climbing out over the top. Both drop down at the same time

— Joey Marella declares Hulk the winner, Danny Davis declares Orndorff

the winner. Hogan and Orndorff brawl on the floor, and Finkel declares

the match a tie, and the match continues. Orndorff goes back to work on

Hogan. Hulk up, Heenan comes in and gets rammed to the cage, Hulk

escapes and retains. Bleh match. 1 for 4. Hogan beats up poor Bobby

some more, and Heenan bumps better than either guy in the match.

– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Hercules Hernandez. How’d this make the cut?

Hercules controls and Bigelow does the Goldberg “Oh, gosh, excuse me, I

believe you bumped into me” selling job for a bit, then they fight

outside the ring for a double countout. And that’s the match in it’s

exciting entirety. 1 for 5. Oh, wait, sorry, Bam Bam didn’t come all

the way to Seattle for a draw, and if Hercules has any guts the match

will continue.

– Bam Bam Bigelow v. Hercules Hernandez, take two: They do a

shoulderblock challenge and Bammer cartwheels out of the way. Herc

takes over, but gets caught coming off the top rope, slammed, and

slingshot splashed for the pin. Nope, still 1 for 5.

– IC title match: Honky Tonk Man v. Randy Savage. Joined in progress.

Savage whups HTM’s ass from one side to the other. Honky makes a

comeback, but goes after Elizabeth and gets creamed. Savage gets a

couple of sure pinfall attempts, but Jimmy Hart pulls him off both

times. Savage nails Hart, prompting the Hart Foundation to make the

run-in. They carry Hart back to the dressing room and Savage continues

killing Honky. Savage misses a blind, charge, however, and Honky takes

over. Fistdrop misses, and Savage goes for the kill. Honky manages to

toss Savage over the top, and the Harts beat him down. Honky gets a two

count off it. Savage blocks the REVERSE NECKBREAKER OF DOOM and hits

the flying elbow, but the Harts run in and cause the DQ. Really good

match, probably around ***1/2. 2 for 6. Then, the REALLY important

portion begins: The Harts slap Savage around like their bitch, and

Honky grabs the guitar for the big shot to the head. Liz runs in and

steps in front to prevent the shot, so Honky shoves her down. Ooooooo.

Liz runs back to the dressing room and Honky finishes his guitar shot

after a few melodramatic stutter-stops. Then, from the dressing room,

here comes the Hulkster to make the save for the first time, kicking off

10 years of living in his shadow. “The crowd goes wild” is a pretty

understated way to put it. The Megapowers do the first ever Megapower

Handshake and history is made.

The Bottom Line #1: There was a Piper v. Orndorff match advertised on

the box, but it wasn’t on there for some reason. There was also a

picture of Bret Hart slamming Randy Savage, which is just a vicious and

unfair tease of the ****1/2 Savage/Hart match from SNME, but that’s not

on there either. What IS on there is a whole lot of Hogan, with really

only one good match: Savage v. Honky. Take a pass on this one and get

Volume II, which has the Rockers v. the Brainbusters.

– Tape #2: WWF Mega Matches.

– Well, after taking a break and packing for my vacation (which starts

tomorrow), I decide to make an extra-strong glass of iced tea and brave

this 1991 release. Randy Savage is on the cover, but there’s nothing of

note advertised on the back, so I cross my fingers and hope…

– No theme, just Sean Mooney in the WWF control room.

– Opening match: Tito Santana v. Earthquake. Ooooooh, I’m not feeling

good about this choice. Well, it was only $4 a tape, so it’s not all

bad. This is hyped as a “Mega Matchup” but unless the poles suddenly

reverse and throw Tenta off his game, I’d wager it’ll be a “Mega

Squash”. Earthquake stands around and allows Tito to bounce off him a

few times, and then Tito gets a wristlock. What a worker that

Earthquake was. He tosses Santana around and gets the BEARHUG OF

ULTIMATE INCONVENIENCE! Santana comes back with the flying burrito,

cheerfully no-sold by Quake, and leading to the Butt Splash of Doom for

the…oh, wait, here comes Tugboat and Dino Bravo to actually give this

match a double-DQ ending. I don’t know whether Santana should be

insulted or flattered. HTM and Valentine join the fray and Jimmy Hart’s

crew quadruple-teams poor Shockmaster. Hark! Our hero Jim Duggan makes

the save, just in time to remind everyone about the Survivor Series

match that was inevitably coming up. 0 for 1.

– Big Bossman v. Bobby Heenan. This the oh-so-exciting blowoff for the

“Rick Rude insults Bossman’s mother” angle. Heenan tries to weasel out

of the match and apologize to Bossman’s mother before the match. After

about 5 minutes of stalling by Heenan, Bossman attacks, clotheslines

Heenan, and pins him with one foot. 0 for 2. Mr. Spiffy tries a

blindside attack, but gets chased off.

– Sgt. Slaughter v. Hacksaw Duggan. From an episode of Superstars in

1990. Duggan kicks and punches to take control, but Gen. Adnan pokes

Duggan with the flag to give Slaughter the upper hand. More lumbering

than an episode of This Old House here. Duggan chases Adnan to the

dressing room and gets counted out. 0 for 3.

– The Barbarian v. Bret Hart. Okay, a Bret Hart appearance, that gives

me hope. In an odd moment, Bret gives his tag belt to the referee…who

holds it in the air. Uh, I don’t think it’s on the line here, dude.

Barbarian is in his FURRY UNDERWEAR OF DEATH period. Barbarian slowly

headbutts Bret a bunch, but makes the mistake of going for the Elbow

From the Second Rope Which Doth Never Hit. It doesn’t hit,

coincidentally enough. Bret comes back with some punches. FIVE MOVES

OF DOOM! The referee is TERRIBLE, blowing two pinfall attempts,

counting too slow for the first and too fat for the second. Bret goes

for a sunset flip, Barbarian blocks and poses, which allows Bret to

finish the move for the pin. Short, nothing match. 0 for 4.

– Greg Valentine & Honky Tonk Man v. The Sheepf*ckers. This is your

average super-accelerated timeframe Primetime Wrestling main event, as

the Whackers control for the first 10 seconds, the heels double-team

Luke for the next minute, and Butch grabs the guitar at about the 3

minute mark for the DQ. 0 for 5.

– Hulk Hogan v. Dino Bravo. Bravo brings Earthquake, Hogan brings

Bossman. Hogan dominates to start. That vile, nasty, Earthquake trips

and beats on Hogan, allowing Bravo to choke out Hogan. BEARHUG OF

ETERNAL DAMNATION! Side slam gets two, hulk up, three punches, big

boot, legdrop, pin. 0 for 6.

– At home with Hillbilly Jim in Mudlick, Kentucky. For 10 points, guess

which button on my remote gets the most use for the next two minutes or


– The British Bulldog v. Haku. This was Davey Boy’s return to the WWF

as a singles wrestler for the first time, fresh off a run in Stampede as

the North American champion before that particular promotion folded.

We’re joined in progress, and when we join THIS in progress and show

everything that came before in it’s entirety, that can’t mean good

things for this match. Haku dominates slowly. Davey Boy comes back

with a bodypress for two and a crucifix for two. Haku with a nasty

piledriver for two. More resting. This tape is dragging worse than a

meeting of the Shane Douglas fan club, with keynote speaker Shane

Douglas. Avast ye mateys, fast forward and don’t stop until you see the

whites of their workrate! More sluggish action leads to a Davey Boy

sharpshooter (!?) but Haku makes the ropes. Haku comes back and hits a

shoulderbreaker for two. I smell a draw. Backdrop and delayed suplex

gets two for DBS. Powerslam finishes it. Too long. 0 for 7.

– Randy Savage v. Jim Duggan. From MSG. Duggan punches away to start.

This is possibly the last appearance of his old-style short trunks,

before he switched over to the multicolored long ones that he’s worn

ever since. I always thought Savage looked 10x cooler with the old

tights, but maybe that’s just me. Duggan gets blindsided by Sherri and

Savage keeps kicking him in the face as he tries to get in. Duggan

finally makes the comeback, backdropping Savage over the top, and then

he tosses him over the railing into the crowd. Couple of nice bumps

there. More brawling outside the ring. Duggan hits the KNEEDROP OF

ALL-ENCOMPASSING HORROR but Sherri distracts the ref and it only gets a

two. Another pin attempt and Sherri breaks it up again. Duggan jaws at

her, which allows Savage to come back with his usual and finish it with

the big elbow…oops, Duggan moved. Three clotheslines, and the fourth

sends Savage to the floor, and Duggan, the IDIOT, chases. Sherri nails

him from behind and Duggan goes after her. Everyone ends up in the ring

and the ref gets bumped. Duggan gets a small package but Danny Davis is

out. Another clothesline off an atomic drop, but the ref is still out.

Man, that was a pretty devastating high knee from Savage! Someone

should have used that on Davis when he was a wrestler, they could have

won in under a minute every time! Savage gets an international object

and nails Duggan. It gets two. Man, this crowd is JACKED. Savage with

the Flair pin (with an assist from Sherri) for three. So sue me, I

liked it. 1 for 8.

– Savage on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” as he cheats

outrageously to beat Robin Leach at croquet.

– Cage match: Randy Savage v. The Ultimate Warrior. Savage hides

behind the ring barrier and jumps Warrior on the way to the ring.

Brother Love is doing color commentary. Warrior pounds on Savage

outside the ring and then tosses him into the cage to begin the match

proper. Warrior kicks Savage’s ass (literally) for a while, but gets

rammed into the cage to slow him down. Both guys are WAY overselling

here. Double clothesline puts both guys down. Savage rams Warrior to

the cage again and chokes him. A lot. Choke choke choke. Savage

chokes Warrior like Tank Abbott in a UFC final. Savage hits the big

elbow and Earl Hebner runs into the ring, just so Warrior can kick out

of Savage’s finisher, even in a match with no pinfalls. Three

clotheslines hit, but the big splash hits the knees. Savage climbs out,

but Warrior grabs Savage’s hair when he’s about a foot away from the

floor. Warrior holds on by Savage’s hair, and Sherri comes into the

ring to help Savage. She chokes Warrior out, and when he lets go of

Savage to shove her off…well, you figure it out. Warrior never was

the brightest bulb in the lamp. Warrior rips off Sherri’s

clothes…ewww. 1 for 9.

The Bottom Line #2: My mother always says if you have nothing nice to

say about a tape, don’t say anything at all.