Lot’s of stuff going on in this report today. There’s so much that I barely have time to plug my new A WRESTLING TALE.. Yep, no time to plug Mr. Rodriguez Helped 2 Part 1.. I’m very proud of it, and I’m sure you all read it in the 24 hours it was up on the main page. Anyway, we have non-A WRESTLING TALE. A WRESTLING TALE stuff to get to, so let’s get to it.
SMACKDOWN SPOILERS
Linda makes her WWE premier on Velocity, taking on Ivory. One of the Jackies interfere, I’m not sure which one.
Are you ready for some battle royal stupidity? I certainly hope you are.
Val is getting pushed again, proving once and for all what I’ve been saying for the past fifteen years: Vince McMahon loves Val Venis.
The tag team titles are on the line as Chuck and Billy face champions Rico and Rikishi. Man, why don’t they just eliminate the tag titles until they get some decent teams? Or maybe they should just eliminate every web boy who says that by contract killer. Either way, major improvement.
Torrie visits Maven in the hospital. I won’t ruin the surprise, but let’s just say that a certain friend of Mr. Super Crazy shows up and sprays a certain ‘misty’ green liquid in to a Ms. Torrie’s face and then beats up ‘Maven’.
Farooq and D-von fight. Man, if Teddy Long refs that means the entire ring will be filled with black people! None of that Samoan watered down black person either.
Something happens with Jericho and Edge. I don’t get it yet.
Kidman and Storm fight in a pink slip on a pole match. Storm loses and is fired.
Hurricane’s stalker is revealed. Somebody finally gets on television to prove that she’s “tough enough.†If you have No IDEA who I’m talking about, you are dense. The mystery stalker brings a man with her, someone who is brave and noble. Jay, me thinks, is noble enough to be this person.
The winners of the battle royal COLLIDE! Somebody gets their win back!
Now, I’m not saying that Smackdown looks boring. I’m not. No, I’m not.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
RAW’s rating shot up to a 4.1. Many attribute this to the return of Shawn Michaels, although some attribute it to the promise of Flair vs. Austin. I attribute it to Gorzan, dark lord of sports entertainment. For years, Vince has avoided making a deal with Gorzan, whose sharp claws were always just out of grasp of the WWF. Having to drop the E, losing name recognition, and seeing profits dwindling on his now public company, Vince finally agreed to a deal with Gorzan. Gorzan gets Vince’s soul, 5% of company stock and Stephanie McMahon as his bride. The wedding will be stopped by Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Chris Benoit may now be a full time Raw worker, despite being drafted by Smackdown. Benoit plans to feud with Austin and RVD ad nauseum.
Goldberg was on the radio and said he is putting wrestling on the backburner and thinks that the current product is sick. He then said he hasn’t been watching the current product. A report then came in about a terrorist bus bombing in Israel, and Goldberg criticized the WWE for not showing up at ground zero.
Goldberg has been unable to reach a deal with any company. This may be due to his assistance that he start every business meeting by snorting smoke and ends every meeting by spearing and pinning Tank Abbot, who needed the work.
Pro Wrestling has been and will always be seen as sick by some people. I’m cool with that. Whether it is because of the partial nudity or the extreme amounts of violence or the horrible acting, professional wrestling will always be looked down upon. That’s why we sometimes just have to let the Phil Mushnicks of the world speak their minds, because a large group of people agree with them and deserve to be represented.
But Bill Goldberg was an ex-football player with one good eye and one good knee. The business he now complains about whenever possible gave him wealth and fame beyond his wildest dreams. The money he is living off of now he has because the WWF existed. If the WWF didn’t exist, there would have been no need to sign Bill Goldberg to a big, fat contract. So, Bill Goldberg, shut up. Have your opinion, but keep it quiet. What a goddamned jerk.
After reading what I just wrote, Vince McMahon nodded his head in agreement and lowered his offer to Goldberg to 20 million dollars.
HBK found Jesus! I know, I’m so excited also!
HBK returned on Raw and posed with Kevin Nash for 55 minutes.
HBK made an odd but clear statement with his new nWo shirt, which has on the back a wolf with an H on it screwing another wolf. (Bonus points to anyone who gets that.)
The XWF released a statement this week. “We’re not dead! We feel fine! We feel happy!â€Â
WWE has posted an interview with Rhyno in which he talks about a lot of stuff. When the interview turns to his parents, Rhyno declares the interview over and storms out of the bathroom stall sobbing.
I have some bad news for all you Lance Storm fans out there. I’m kind of shocked and upset, and while we shouldn’t reap the benefits of a man losing his livelihood, I’d still like to declare this a 411wrestling exclusive. Here we go. Big boy breath here. I gotta be a man.
Lance Storm was fired from the WWE yesterday, only 3 days after the now infamous HHH switchblade incident in which Lance Storm lost his penis.
Actually, Lance is kind of depressed about all of this. Go to http://www.stormwrestling.com/comments/ and send Lance a message. Tell him you’re sorry about the HHH switchblade incident and we all hope he gets a new job and penis soon.
Really, do this. I want to get some reaction out of him, negative or positive. I don’t know why he’s completely ignoring me. Lance, very few people take me seriously and those who do don’t know me. I’m not out to hurt you or your family. Just acknowledge the fact that I am alive. You don’t return my e-mails, you don’t return my phone calls. I have yet to receive a thank you card for the fruit cake I sent you. And if we’re such good friends, why’d you have security haul me away when I jumped into the ring and tried to help you beat Randy Orton? I thought we were friends, Lance. Didn’t you get my nude photos? Friends!
I hate to admit when I’m wrong, but a guy named Jon Alexander or something on the 411wrestling fan forum has made me realize that there may be enough idiots out there to make the NWA work. Nah. Biggest disaster (in promotion form) in wrestling ever!
Junk news. HUZZAH!
ME AND KEITH!
Let’s get to what most of you have been waiting for. Is it the beginning of the next big web feud, or just some more stupidity to fill our empty lives with.
VPJG: How’s everything?
RSPWFAQ: Faboo.
VPJG: Good to hear. Now that the small talk is out of the way, what do you think about Hyattes return? He has had some not nice things to say about you.
RSPWFAQ: I don’t even read his stuff.
VPJG: He reads yours. *
RSPWFAQ: Then that shows who the smart one is, doesn’t it?
VPJG: I don’t follow.
VPJG: I’m not trying to be a smart ass.
RSPWFAQ: I find it easier to ignore everyone else than playing along with all the silly net.feuds.
RSPWFAQ: I know the people who are apt to annoy me, and I avoid them.
VPJG: That’s kind of an insult without it being an insult. Wouldn’t it be easier to just talk to the guy? You’re both good people.
VPJG: I mean, this kid ****** or something was ripping me in his column.
RSPWFAQ: If people want to try to get over on me, they can. It’s never worked before.
VPJG: So I IMed him. He stopped ripping me in his column, and only ripped me in private.
RSPWFAQ: People can write whatever they want. Ultimately, the quality of the work will dictate who survives and who doesn’t.
VPJG: Yeah, ******’s gone. What would you define as quality work?
VPJG: I mean, you know I loved your Bizarro world Raw. Besides that, it seems that everyone writes in your style these days. It’s getting hard to distinguish the Barren’s from the Keith’s.
RSPWFAQ: Well, guys like Rick Scaia are still pumping out content years later, without resorting to gimmicks or name-calling.
RSPWFAQ: And I have a very easy style to write in. Lots of people get started that way — it’s those who can use it to make their own style that end up going somewhere.
VPJG: I mean, the people we’re talking about review wrestling matches and wrestling angles. How many options are there?
RSPWFAQ: Actually, quite a lot.
RSPWFAQ: The Torch site had a couple of writers who used a different method of evaluating shows and recapping, for instance.
VPJG: Yeah, hit and miss and all that.
RSPWFAQ: More of an overall evaluation than a match-by-match recap.
RSPWFAQ: Variety is good.
RSPWFAQ: I dabbled with that style for a while early on before settling into my current mode of recapping.
VPJG: Why can’t there be gimmicks and name calling in this variety? Does it cheapen professional wrestling internet writing?
RSPWFAQ: Well, it’s a pretty cheap profession as it is.
RSPWFAQ: I’d just like to think of it as not wanting to burn any unnecessary bridges, just in case.
VPJG: Hyatte does have a history with fire and bridges.
RSPWFAQ: I’ve noticed.
VPJG: But he’s also built up a very large following because of it.
RSPWFAQ: Sure, but to what end?
RSPWFAQ: Once the ad market fell out of the bottom of the internet, all the hits in the world aren’t going to matter unless you can turn it into something.
VPJG: I can’t comment on that, but you have a history of not burning bridges. You’ve built up a large following, but to what end? The books?
RSPWFAQ: The books so far.
VPJG: That’s not an attack.
VPJG: What are you gunning for?
RSPWFAQ: Getting away from writing about wrestling and doing other books.
RSPWFAQ: The writing, for me, is the end. I am a writer, that’s how I define myself. I can’t speak for Hyatte, but he doesn’t appear to be a guy who writes for the joy of it.
RSPWFAQ: If 411 disappeared tomorrow I’d just restart a Geocities page and write there if I had to, and I’d probably be a big as ever in a couple of months.
VPJG: I can see that.
VPJG: You don’t think Hyatte could pull that off? People have followed him around.
RSPWFAQ: Would he want to, though?
RSPWFAQ: He’s already “quit” a couple of times when his hitcount declined.
VPJG: It wasn’t just that. I can’t speak for him, but it was more then the hit count. It was the product.
VPJG: He stopped being a fan, and he stopped writing about wrestling.
VPJG: Then he became a fan again.
RSPWFAQ: He doesn’t write much about wrestling to begin with.
RSPWFAQ: I consider it a challenge to find ways to make bad shows interesting.
VPJG: Really? Sometimes I can tell when you’re completely sick of the product. The stars help.
RSPWFAQ: That’s what tapes are for.
RSPWFAQ: If I’m sick of the current product, I always have Japan tapes I can review, or older WWF, or WCW, or ECW, or a million other things.
RSPWFAQ: I am a fan of wrestling first and foremost, not just whatever happens to be the current monopoly.
VPJG: That’s fair, and a good point to leave this on.
RSPWFAQ: Okey doke.
VPJG: I’d like to continue this, though, leaving you with this thought: You have more in common with Chris then you think. Thanks. This has been really different for me.
*Hyatte has since told me that he never has read a Scott Keith article all the way through.
So, Scott Keith was very nice to me, so I was nice to him. It was nice. He’s confident in his abilities, as am I. Still, he stated after the conversation, which he knew I would publish, that he hoped no one thought he was trying to start something with Hyatte. I wonder if he wasn’t a little. He’s a smart enough guy to know what he’s doing.
If you know me, you know I have an allegiance to Hyatte. He got me my gig, and lately he’s become someone I can talk to online. That being said, I will not choose a side. I know Hyatte writes for the joy of writing. I’m not just talking about a super secret project I can’t talk about that has nothing to do with wrestling anyway. I’m talking about the Midnight News and the mop-ups. He makes too many jokes not to enjoy himself. I can see him smiling as he types. Scott apparently enjoys writing also, and they both enjoy wrestling. They might have different styles, but they have a lot in common. That being said
Scott, whatever dirt anyone who knows Hyatte might know about you, find out what it is and find out ways to refute it NOW! Don’t wait. This is going to be worse then you think.
On the lighter side of this, Hyatte can now stop making 2 year old Mark Madden jokes.
PLUGS
Go read Mr. Rodriguez Helped 2. I’m proud of it, despite the ‘gay shit’, as one fan so eloquently put it.
Ben Morse is back with a new Mean. This one examines the Ultimate Warrior. As always with the mean, a great column.
Justin Baisden doesn’t understand professional wrestling because he’s not part of the business.
Once of my favorite columns, Joker’s Spot, is losing its steam. Steven, do me a favor and go back to movie parodies. I loved those. They were awesome.
Hey! Who likes Las Vegas? David Murphy.
Go visit the games section. It’s actually informative.
The World is a good one according to Ron.
LBD “Nytetrayn” is a hell of a guy! Go sign his petition! It is the most important thing ever. http://www.petitiononline.com/MegaRock/petition.html. Or, you view his wife’s site at www.mechadrake.com. These people love Megaman, and why the hell not?
That’s it. Bye.
