The Netcop New Year’s Retro Rant for WrestleWar 1991
– Live from Phoenix, Arizona
– Your hosts are Jim Ross and Dusty Rhodes
– You know, I always thought WrestleWar was a perfectly good name for a
PPV. I’ll take it over “Road Wild” any day.
– And for those who enjoy prying into my personal life, I was supposed
to go to a New Year’s party with my ex-girlfriend, but much like the
majority of our relationship years ago, she forgot that she made plans
with me and I’m stuck watching a crappy WCW PPV from 1991 to catch up my
collection. But then there’s a New Year’s blizzard going on as we
speak, so I’m actually much happier at home tonight where I’m not
freezing my ass off.
– Opening match, WCW Six-Man titles: Junkfood Dog, Ricky Morton & Tommy
Rich v. Big Cat and the State Patrol. Don’t ask me. One member of the
State Patrol is of course Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker, current
dictator-in-chief of the Power Plant. Big Cat was to be better known as
Mr. Hughes in later years. Junkfood Dog is still alive here. The
camera barely moves from the center position because every time it pans
the crowd you can literally see entire sections that are empty. As a
guide, Rich and Morton are decent, everyone else is pretty bad. An
exciting series of armdrags and armbars from the quickness guys to
start. The inevitable “big fat black guy v. big fat black guy”
confrontation occurs, much to the apathy of the crowd. Ricky Morton
plays uh, never mind. Don’t look now, but THIS MATCH DOESN’T SUCK.
Sure, it’s mostly thanks to Ricky “Will Sell Wrestling Moves for Anyone”
Morton, but the State Patrol has some Shotgun-worthy double-teaming
goodness going on. Alas, JYD tags in and gives Parker the Thump
powerslam, and Morton pins him. Worked for me. **
– Alexandra York (current PMS-ite Terri Runnels) and Terrence Taylor
have words for Tom Zenk.
– Brad Armstrong v. Bobby Eaton. JR notes that Brad has a younger
brother stationed overseas for Desert Shield. The unnamed brother would
eventually become a wrestler himself and gain greater success than Brad,
or any other member of the Armstrong family for that matter, even if he
wasn’t called Armstrong. Answer in the Bottom Line…if you didn’t
know who he is already. WCW was desperately trying to push Eaton as a
singles wrestler at this point, but it wasn’t really working all that
well. Brad Armstrong is my lord and savior, but this was a Norman
Smiley v. Prince Iaukea type of match and it really had no place on PPV,
much like most of WCW’s PPV matches at this time. Dull, slow paced
match with Eaton playing the heel. Jason Hervey is in the audience, you
know. So is Great Muta. Now if only Muta would punk Hervey, this would
be a good match. Eaton holds a chinlock forever while JR talks about
the mysterious Armstrong brother over in the Middle East. Crowd is
really digging Eaton’s bad-guy antics. Eaton looks kind of lost as a
signle, however. Eaton would inexplicably turn face and go on to win
the TV title and hold it for all of a week before dropping it to Steve
Austin. Armstrong makes the superman comeback with his perfect dropkick
and russian legsweep, but an ill-fated dropping of the head leads to a
neckbreaker and Alabama Jam for the pin. Good, not great, match. **1/2
Bobby gets a *big* pop for the pin.
– Superbrawl promo. Only says “Superbrawl, May 19 on PPV”. Thankfully
WCW would get better at promos.
– Women’s tag match: Miss A & Miki Handa v. Itsuki Yamasaki & Mami
Kitamura. Can’t say that either team rings a bell, but then I can’t say
as I care about women’s wrestling to begin with. This would be
comparable to the token cruiserweight matches which permeate WCW PPVs
today. Not much crowd reation to the back-and-forth match, aside from
some “Ooooohs” for a series of Koji Kanemoto-like kicks to the face by
Miss A. Hard to really make any kind of emotional attachment to either
side because neither team is really playing heel, and the match isn’t so
spectacular that you completely lose yourself in it. It’s like watching
Lizmark Jr. v. Silver King today — you say “That was pretty good” and
then you move on. Yamasaki gets a reverse rollup on Miss A for the pin.
***
– Thin Tony and Missy Hyatt talk about, well, nothing really.
– Buddy Landell v. Dustin Rhodes. Yes, Virginia, WCW *did* used to make
people pay $24.95 for this stuff. Picture a Goldust-Jarrett match
before Goldust weighed 600 pounds or knew how to draw heat and you’ve
got it. Dustin goes through his series of moves, but Landell has to
help waste 10 minutes so he gets some 70s offense in. They do a sleeper
reversal spot, one of my least favorite spots in wrestling I might add.
Buddy’s offense doesn’t last long, as Dustin gets a press-slam (!) and a
bulldog for the pin. Yawn. *
– Missy Hyatt gets a dressing room interview. She finds Stan Hansen,
who bitches her out and chases her back into the hall. Good for him.
– The Royal Family v. The Young Pistols. The Royal Family would be Jack
Victory and Rip Morgan, and the Young Pistols are Tracy Smothers and
Steve Armstrong, the team formerly known as the “Southern Boys” before
that name was dropped, presumably because it wasn’t quite gay enough.
How sad is it that 50% of the people in this match are currently in ECW
and getting semi-pushed? The Royal Family are carrying the torch of the
Evil New Zealand team, a tradition sadly abandoned by the Sheepwhackers
when they jumped to the WWF. Victory and Morgan bark a lot. About a
minute into this, the house lights suddenly die, pretty much summing up
the state of WCW in a symbolic way. Quick thinking techs turn on
spotlights to keep the show going. This is the very definition of a
“nothing match”, as these guys were merely stuck out there to waste 15
minutes of PPV time. Armstrong plays Ricky Morton as the Royal Family
goes through the motions and absolutely nothing worth noting happens.
Tracy gets the hot tag and the Pistols finish it with the Rock N Roll
Express’ old “One guy is getting double suplexed so the other guy
dropkicks the legal man and the first guy falls on top for the pin”
sequence.
– Thin Tony interviews the Freebirds’ manager, Diamond Dallas Page.
Hey, you want to know where the Giant got his “coupon clippin’ redneck”
interview from? Watch this interview and witness DDP originate it.
– Terrence Taylor v. Tom Zenk. The York Foundation angle was originally
designed for Mike Rotundo, but he bailed for the WWF in December of
1990, so Taylor was re-tooled into the “computerized man of the 90s”. I
never understood how calling Tom Zenk “the Z-Man” could be considered a
good gimmick. Back during the “dartboard” booking phase in 1991, WCW
was throwing the York Foundation angle out there every week and letting
the fans fill in the blanks. Long story short, the fans came to the
conclusion that either Bobby Eaton or Tom Zenk would be joining pretty
soon, and got pretty excited about it. So one week Alexandra York gave
an interview categorically denying that either Eaton or Zenk was
associated with the York Foundation, and the angle went utterly downhill
from there. They really, really almost hit someting special with the
York Foundation angle and the four-way feud between Taylor, Eaton, Zenk
and Arn Anderson, but they blew it as usual. Mat wrestling to start,
with Taylor emphasizing his heel status by not breaking in the corner,
stalling, etc. Zenk holds onto a side-headlock for quite a while but a
belly to back breaks it and gives Taylor the momentum. Zenk’s facial
expressions make him look stoned. You know, Alexandra York’s gimmick
would work a lot better if she actually had the “computer” turned on
while on-camera. Zenk keeps fighting Taylor off and makes the comeback
with the superkick for two, but Taylor is in the ropes. Zenk hits the
enzuigiri and goes for a cross-body, but the ref is distracted, and
Taylor gets the pin on a schoolboy rollup. Not either guy’s best match,
but still very good. ***
– El Gigante is interviewed in “The Danger Zone”. Dangerously comes out
dressed as a matador to huge boos. El Gigante triggers my fast forward
instinct, but a Paul E interview rescinds it. Paul E notes that he’s
actually an undercover agent for immigration and the entire audience is
under arrest. He brings out El Gigante and makes fun of him, while
trying to teach him English. He of course goes too far and gets
bodyslammed. It should be noted that Paul E portrayed a misogynistic
bigot so well that one has to wonder what was truth and what was
character.
– Thin Tony interviews NJPW rep Hiro Matsuda and the Great Muta, re:
the Japan Super Show. I should do that one sometime.
– Return Grudge Match: Stan Hansen v. Big Van Vader. Vader’s still in
the goofy mask period. You know the one. The brawl begins immediately
as Hansen ambushes Vader on the rampway. Vader quickly comes back with
his normal range of power stuff, while Hansen still has a big hunk of
chaw hanging out of his mouth. Vader misses an Avalanche and Hansen
takes over with a series of elbows. They end up outside the ring and
trade plastic chairshots. Back in for about 5 seconds, then they brawl
outside the ring again in a sequence that is completely tame compared to
today. Back in the ring for a slugfest and a double-DQ is called.
Underwhelming compared to Vader’s later stuff. ** They fight to the
back.
– Superbrawl promo. It’s only on pay per view, you know.
– US title match: Lex Luger v. Dan Spivey. This is a delayed blowoff
from Halloween Havoc 90, when Spivey interfered and tried to cost Luger
the US title to Stan Hansen. This is the last appearance of the NWA US
title before they switched to the belt design that is currently being
used today. Thus by proxy this is the last ever NWA US title match.
Luger hits his shoulderblock and clothesline sequence early. Spivey
tries to take over but Luger keeps fighting him off. Luger must have
been renegotiating his contract or something, he’s really got his
working boots on tonight. Luger misses a cross-body and goes flying
into the other ring, giving Spivey the advantage. Spivey gets two with
a tombstone — was that a shot at Undertaker? Spivey with a DDT,
something I’ve never seen him use. Spivey even goes off the top with an
elbowdrop. I’ve never seen Spivey go like this before. Spivey with a
piledriver for two and Luger makes the superman comeback. A belly to
belly cuts it short, however. Spivey continues the offense and finally
Luger comes back with a stungun. Luger to the second rope with a
clothesline, and he hits the powerslam but get tossed out of the ring on
Spivey’s kickout. Double knockout, and a slugfest when both get to
their feet. Luger goes to the top, but Spivey slams him off, and Luger
rolls through with an inside cradle for the pin by the skin of his
teeth. This was, seriously, the best Lex Luger match I’ve ever seen
post-1989. ****
– Nikita Koloff presents Lex Luger with the US title belt currently
being used today. Okay everyone, can you guess what happens next?
Koloff is bitter at being left out of the US title scene, you see, and
Luger ends up unconscious on the floor. Koloff does a great Terry Funk
“I want revenge” interview and draws heat again for a screwjob that
happened in 1987.
– WCW World tag team title: Doom v. The Freebirds. For those who don’t
know the story here, the Steiners won the tag titles a few days before
at a TV taping…from the Freebirds. This despite the fact that they
hadn’t actually won them from Doom yet. The Freebirds (despite already
having one manager in DDP) debut Oliver Humperdink as their road manager
Big Daddy Dink. The Freebirds would finish the idiocy by debuting
Badstreet as their six-man partner shortly after this. Healthy
“Freebirds suck” chant to start. This match literally means nothing so
everyone is dogging it. Jimmy Garvin plays Ricky Morton. Pier-six
brawl breaks out and Reed hits Simmons with an international object by
accident, allowing Garvin to fall on top for the pin and the titles.
Butch Reed turns on Ron Simmons after the decision. *1/2
– Superbrawl promo. It’s on May 19, you know.
– Wargames: Sting, Rick Steiner, Scott Steiner & Brian Pillman v. Ric
Flair, Sid Vicious, Barry Windham & Larry Zbyszko. Larry is replacing
Arn Anderson, who was injured shortly before this. Pillman and Windham
start out. Pillman has got a big-ass shoulder tapejob. Windham goes
for the Wargames bladejob record by gushing two minutes into the first
period. Steve Austin would shatter the record the year after by tapping
an artery about 30 seconds in. The cage is so short that Pillman can
barely stand on the top rope, something which would come into play later
in the match. Pillman is absolutely beating the living hell out of
Windham for 5 minutes straight here. Kudos to Windham for selling like
a champ. Flair is next in (I think the coin toss is rigged) and Pillman
gets the beats put on him. Flair offers a groin thrust to Sting. The
Horsemen are just tossing Pillman around the ring at will. Sting makes
the save and goes bananas on Flair to a mega-pop. Flair pairs off with
Sting and they do their usual match. Larry Z is in next and Sting takes
him out with ease. Flair cheats and the Horsemen pound on Sting for a
bit and then take care of Pillman. Rick Steiner cleans house for the
faces to another hot reaction. Flair joins the bleeding pool. The
Horsemen are mercilessly hammering Pillman’s shoulder. Sting bleeds.
Sid Vicious just pounds the hell out of everything that moves when he
gets in. Flair gets rubbed into the cage about 5 times. Rick keeps
getting rammed to the cage but no-sells every time. There’s big red
blotch all over the cage from Flair’s head. Big Poppa Pump is last in
for the faces. Sid Vicious calls a spot with Rick Steiner while on
camera. Vicious rams Pillman into the turnbuckle shoulder-first a few
times and then rips off the tape. The faces all get figure-fours on the
Horsemen in a very a cool moment. The faces continue the assualt on
everyone but Sid Vicious, who won’t go down. Vicious takes out Sting
and the Steiners, leaving Pillman to take on the Horsemen. Then Sid
takes over on Pillman. In the ugliest moment in Wargames history, Sid
powerbombs Pillman, hitting his head on the top of the cage and nearly
breaking his neck legit, and then he picks up the half-dead Pillman and
does it again. Pillman is temporarily paralyzed and El Gigante
improvises by running in from the dressing room and throwing in the
towel. The crowd is in shock at the sudden ending. Still, an easy
***** match.
The Bottom Line: This is actually a very, very good card. Cut out the
first hour of jobber v. jobber crap and you’ve got a strong PPV, even
today. The Wargames is worth the price of admission alone.
Btw, the mystery Armstrong brother? The future TAG TEAM CHAMPION OF THE
WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD, the Roaddog Jesse Jammes.
Recommended show.
