In Memoriam: John Gotti, the only Noo Yawker I ever liked and a true role model.
Speaking of that subject, someone asked me if I’d seen the “McMano$” bus pimps that have been floating around the Chicago area lately. Yes, I finally did see one on Sunday. Putting aside the fact that I don’t get HBO, so I don’t watch the series being parodied, I do have a problem with the ads. You see, whenever I see the word “Manos”, my next thought is “…the Hands of Fate”. Lately, the comparisons between that and WWE programming have been a little too easy to make. All I want to know is, who gets to play Torgo on Raw and Smackdown?
While I try to ignore contemplating that, I’ll just go over some stuff from this past weekend in sports, the busiest until October, and other stuff…
THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT THE HOMELAND SECURITY PLAN
If Dubbaya’s attempt at iron-fisted dictatorship goes through, meat and poultry inspection would be transferred from control of the Department of Agriculture to the Department of Homeland Security. If this means that they get to carry guns inside the plant, I’d like to get back into it. “So, you don’t want to clean that bandsaw? WELL, SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!”
REPRESSED MEMORIES?
A seventy-one-year-old man went into an cloistered abbey in rural Missouri, pulled out an AK-47, killed two monks, and committed suicide. I could get into a whole molestation thing, but this is too sick, even for me, so I’ll move on to sports…
BUT WILL THEY DO LESBIAN PORN?
Are we going to be fated to more and more Venus/Serena finals like the one at the French? That was the most overrated anticipated match since Hogan/Sting at Starrcade ’97, and it almost sucked as much as that one. In fact, it probably sucked worse, because Starrcade ’97 didn’t have perpetual sightings of Richard Williams, the new poster boy for Annoying, Arrogant Sports Parents (he makes Mary Pierce’s father look like a saint). Wimbledon’s almost a certainty for a repeat, and they’ve won the last three US Opens…oh, boy.
I thought Nick Price was going to be the back-from-the-dead sports story of the summer, but Albert Costa beats him hands down. Both he and his finals opponent Juan Carlos Ferrero are winners of the Sergi Brugera Memorial Award as yet more Spaniards who can only play well on clay. That’s why I ignore the men’s results at the French. So let’s move on.
OKAY, SO I WAS A LITTLE OFF ON MY PREDICTIONS, BUT ONLY A LITTLE
I said Wings in a sweep and Lakers in five. So it’ll be Wings in five and the Lakers in a sweep. I’ll count that as a check mark in the “correct prediction” column. And props to the Wings and ‘Canes for that magnificent triple-overtime game on Saturday. That game and the Olympics are keepers in the “why hockey is a great sport” archives.
BASEBALL? WHAT’S THAT?
Shill versus Pedro? Bonds at Yankers Stadium? Who cares? They took place on the East Coast, so naturally it got overhyped by the media, as did all this interleague fooferaw. Of course, my dislike of baseball can be traced to the fact that I grew up in an area devoid of major-league play: the South Side of Chicago in the mid-70s.
THE LAST WORD ON LEWIS-TYSON
Haven’t burned the VCD of it that I pirated on Sunday yet, so I haven’t seen the beating. But anything that humbles Tyson like that has to be good, so it should be a keeper.
WHOOPS
Memo to Bob Baffert and to the men pulling your strings, Dubbaya and the Junta: My powers are greater than you can ever imagine.
OKAY, LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT…
Given the results of the kiss-your-sister against Korea, I think I’ve figured it out. If the US loses to Poland, they only get in the second round if Korea beats Portugal. If the US ties Poland, they’re in, but can’t win the group. If the US wins, they’re in, and they win the group if Portugal beats or ties Korea. Okay, let’s assume that the US has the next game in the bag because the Poles have already been eliminated and, let’s face it, they really, really suck…
…look, don’t start looking at the byline on this column and assume I’m going to go lightly on the Poles. I’m a fifth-generation American. My Ancestral Homeland is the South Side of Chicago. Got that straight? Good. Now, back to what I was saying…
…okay, the Poles really, really suck, so let’s give the US the win. Therefore, we have to root for Portugal to also win (or at least to tie). Mind if I practice?
FIGO IS GOD! KIMCHEE SUCKS! HYUNDAI SUCKS!…
…sorry, I just can’t get into it. The Koreans are our allies and friends, and host to many of our servicepeople serving on the last Cold War artifact border extant. They provide a lot of great electronics, and they really are doing a good job at making cheap cars. Besides, Luis Figo is overrated. Well, good luck to both sides…
…on second thought, South Koreans are totally clueless that we Americans have already forgotten who Apolo Anton Ohno is, so f*ck ’em.
WELCOME TO ELLIPSIS-MANIA!
Apparently the pan-dimensional aliens who live inside my head want to write a column too. I think I should let them. It might be interesting. However, if I do let them, Grut might sue for gimmick infringement, so inside they stay.
AND SPEAKING OF GRUT, LET’S DO THE PIMP SECTION…
Daniels is God, so he gets the lead pimp.
Artie Martie chimes in with another Lyrical Stunt.
Vanderhorst should pimp me instead of Grut in the tagline.
I’ll be nice to Wesuke and say that he’s better than the shit-lickers that the Gooney Bird has doing columns over at OO.
And now on to the latest Monday night disaster…
THE SHORT FORM
As usual, consult Keith and/or PK for more detailed information.
Match Results:
Booker T, The Big Show, and X-Suck over Spike Dudley, Tommy Dreamer, and Shawn Stasiak (Pinfall, Booker pins Dreamer, flying kick): Atlanta…Nick Patrick as ref…NWO squash…why am I getting the vibe that Bischoff’s going to run in on the Flair/McMahon match? Why am I HOPING that Bischoff’s going to run in on the Flair/McMahon match?
(Actually, there was speculation in the locker room that Bisch would become involved in this, according to the Torch. Scary.)
Billy Brass Knucks over Bradshaw, European Title Match (Pinfall, Harvard-ference): In my “how should the Split be done” column, I mentioned the possibility of Chris Harvard being brought in for lower-card heel support on SD. I’ll definitely take him as Regal’s protege on Raw, though. This should give Chris a very nice boost, since he’s already well on his way on the arrogant-heel track, and he can learn from a true master at it. The bigger surprise, though, was Bradshaw actually being able to keep up with Regal in a mat-based match. Maybe the guy does have some wrestling talent buried underneath the brawler image. God knows he hasn’t been given the chance to show it very much during his WWE tenure.
Molly Holly over Trish Stratus, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Molly-Go-Round): Personally, I think Molly has a very nice ass.
Rob Van Dam over Eddy Guerrero, KOTR Qualifying Match (Pinfall, rollup): It’s official: “Eddy Guerrero” is Spanish for “Jerry Lynn”. Not the best possible match between them. This one dragged until it kicked into high gear toward the end and showed what both men could be capable of doing. I’m surprised they’d blow this one off on Raw instead of in the semis or the finals…well, considering the ratings on Raw, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. Anything to boost the numbers.
Let me clear up something from last week. I didn’t “misunderstand” them about the qualifying matches. All Ross talked about was the “semifinals and finals taking place at KOTR”. He never said anything about a quarterfinals or the fact that more qualifying matches would be taking place this week (unless it was while I was in the other room typing this thing up). Therefore, I assumed that the matches last week were the quarterfinals. They’ve switched formats for KOTR so many times that you never know what they’re going to do. With Van Dam in there alongside Jericho and Booker, it’s now a lot more wide open as to possible matches, and there are still three qualifiers to go.
Brock Lesnar over Buh Buh Ray Dudley, KOTR Qualifying Match (Pinfall, LesnarDriver): Pre-ordained conclusion given Lesnar’s push. How much of a push he’s getting, though, was only apparent at the end of the show.
Vince McMahon over Ric Flair, Total Ownership of WWE Match (Pinfall, Lesnar-ference): I did the smart thing and took a nap, letting the tape run so that I could hear when it was about to end. Anything’s better than two guys whose combined age is pushing 110 flail at each other to end off a horribly-executed angle.
Angle Developments:
Abort: Well, time to end this experiment, huh? I think I’ll get further into this tomorrow, since it deserves more analysis. That should keep you coming back here.
Like, Who’s “Us”?: So, Michaels doesn’t like people like Booker and Black-Goldust. What kind of people is he talking about? Upper-mid-carders? Entertaining wrestlers? Good promoers? Surely you don’t mean that he’s a racist. They wouldn’t pull that one on us again, would they? Please, just forget about that and don’t go there.
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
Some Heat spoilers for you courtesy of the Observer:
Tommy Dreamer over Shawn Stasiak
Raven over Jeff Hardy by DQ
Goldust over Stevie Richards
D’Lo Brown (also announcing again this week) over Crash Holly
Okay, the Austin walk-out is the big thing here, so let’s go over that a bit…on second thought, maybe I already have…hmmm…
Nothing more on Austin than Ashish has been keeping you abreast about. It’s obvious that the “contractual obligation” guff that Linda was giving us was the WWF’s mea culpa for pissing him off in some unknown way and making sure that his exposure would still be maximized, thus maintaining things like his merchandise sales and keeping him in the income bracket he’s become accustomed to. It’s very strange to see the WWF give in to a wrestler’s demands. Usually, it was WCW who bent over backwards to accomodate certain people, most notably friends of the booker.
So why did they do it? My guess is that they really think they need Austin to sell this split properly by being one of the three “bridges” between shows. It shows how little confidence they have in Trip and Jazz right now (especially in Trip; they know the face turn didn’t work for him, mostly due to the asinine booking, and they’re going to have to turn him heel soon, especially since he’s without his foil Steph until they figure out a loophole to get her back in). It’s not a very good sign when you’re trying to extend your brand and you need to depend on someone who just, in effect, threw a tantrum because he wasn’t given enough of the sandbox to play in. I think I may have been premature on calling Kevin Nash “Big Baby”. The real big baby is shorter and balder. – Me, March 26, 2002
How much should we read into Austin’s walkout? Right now, I’m not certain. Yes, he has every right to be upset with “creative”, but this time, he’s not in the catbird seat if Flex goes off to do another movie, which has been rumored. The fed has Trip and Hogan there to take Austin’s spot as top face, and are really milking Hogan for all he’s worth right now. Austin may find that his leverage has become non-existent. It isn’t the end for him in the fed if he tries to make his feelings known (look how long the WWF tolerated Hogan’s ego ravings the first time), but it could be the beginning of the end. Flex may not be the first person to Go Hollywood permanently among the upper-card. – Me, March 20, 2002
Almost three months later, and nothing’s changed. Austin has creative differences, Austin tells Debra to pack the bags, show gets rewritten at the last minute. You know what? To hell with him.
Memo to Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Fire his ass, Vince. Ratings are the same whether he’s there or not. You need a smartass to go against, Vince? You’ve got Michaels back, and considering his shoot promo on Raw, he’s back in perfect form to be your foil. For Smackdown, just let Jericho loose. You saw what he did against your daughter. You say that Austin still hauls in money? You said yourself on Raw that you don’t need money; it’s all about ego. Well, turn that into a shoot promo and back your words up with deeds by firing Austin. Besides, when you let him back in a year or so (and you will, you know it; I mean, jeez, you’re trying to cut deals with Bret, for Christ’s sake), he’ll be healthier and creatively recharged with a new slant on Austin/McMahon that would be a ratings winner. It’s best for everyone if he just departs, right now.
Actually, according to the Torch, they already seem to be well on their way toward a departure of a permanent nature. House shows are being recarded to accomodate Austin’s absence, and all of the Flair/McMahon segments were part of the rewrite, with Flair turning face in order to put him into Austin’s spot to feud with Vince.
Oh, shit, I’m already late for work. I’ll be back tomorrow with more about this, and speculation as to where they’re going.