The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself. – James Thurber
I have no idea why I put that quote up there. Pretend it’s meaningful.
Hello, my name is Joshua Grutman and I do this better then anyone else on the internet, save for like 20 some odd people.
Before we begin, I’d like to announce that I will be making no jokes about Sean Shannon. I have never speaken to him and have no reason to make jokes about him. My lawyer has informed me that I can not get into any trouble for this statement.
Also, DDP retired. I’m really not surprised. Sometimes a wrestler gets injured and is no longer able to perform as he once was. (HOGAN!) Couple that with the fact that he’s into the second half of his life (HOGAN!) and that he has a hot wife at home that needs hot loving (HOG… does he have a hot wife?) and it’s classy to walk away. DDP, if you once read Hyatte as the rumor goes, then there’s a chance you read me. I just want to say it was always good to see an older man who could really go and had fun in the ring. Bye.
Scott and Hyatte. I can’t help but feel awful about the whole thing. I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end.
Just to show how sorry I am, I checked that it was okay with Keith before I placed this in my report.
If Austin was a Gay Porn Star, Scott Keith Would Have Written This
Get out, Steve. Get out while you can and stay out. Put your millions of dollars into a nice long-term investment plan, buy a house somewhere comfortable, and get out now while you’re still able to walk on your own two feet and still in control of your own penial functions. Be unprofessional, be selfish, bite the cock that feeds you, let down the fans. I don’t care. I’m one of your biggest fans and you won’t let me down at all, because I know who’s cumming if you stay, and it’s gonna be “Vince McMahon takes Steve Austin into the biggest orgasm since Bret Hartâ€Â, and I don’t want to see that for the third time. I’ve already had one hero destroyed by a failing company, I don’t need another one. I don’t want another Harry Balls, a guy blowing on so long past his physical prime that he’s in a wheel chair and forgotten. I have tapes, I have memories. Find what makes you happy and do it, because obviously this company is no longer that thing, and I’d rather live without Austin than live with an Austin who doesn’t love having sex with random men anymore. It was a good run, a great run, the best run but it’s over, and I don’t want to be watching a humilated Rattlesnake in the bedroom, f*cking hasbeens and neverweres and waiting for the writers to come up with something good again. Because they won’t. And I can’t help but feel if you come back, we’ll all just be disappointed all over again. Or worse, we’ll be talking about where we were the day that Steve Austin didn’t get screwed.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
TODAY’S JUNK NEWS!
Al Snow and Tazz were the commentators for Velocity. They will form the tag team Snozz.
There are no negotiations between Goldberg and the WWE at the moment, although Goldberg is very close to signing with Blockbuster video.
Scott Steiner has been given a clean bill of health. Scott was so happy that he rambled incoherently for 3 hours.
X-Pac’s back hurts from carrying the NWO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
There’s a new ESPN article about steroid use in wrestling and baseball. Hey! P.E.N.S. HAHAHA! I love changing letters around. Also, Lance Storm has been fired for playing baseball under the name of Mo Vaughn.
Now for an in-depth look at WWE’s newest Diva, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
STEVE AUSTIN JUNK NEWS
The WWE is thinking about doing a story about Stone Cold walking out on Confidential. Here is what you’ll learn if you watch the program:
Stone Cold Steve Austin walked out on Raw, where he was apparently supposed to fight Brock Lesnar. Actually, Stone Cold didn’t walk out. Brock Lesnar and Mr. Perfect were fighting by the entrance and Stone Cold tried to break it up, and was accidentally knocked out the front door.
As he left, Austin said, “Hell no! This is crap! I’m this company’s top damn performer and you want me to be in the midcard? You guys get your crap together and call me!” A pane of glass broke, and he was gone.
When asked for comment The Rock said, “Who? Stone Cold what? Oh, yeah, the wrestling thing. Whatever.”
Vince McMahon reacted to the news well, curling into the fetal position and crying like a baby before booking a match between himself and Flair. It was small comfort to him to fire Lance Storm.
The Austin-McMahon relationship has had problems for awhile. At one point, Steve Austin anally violated McMahon. At another point Vince pretended to be Steve’s friend, later on revealing himself as the higher power who was controlling a faction against Steve Austin. Many analysts have seen this coming for a while.
It is now thought that Steve Austin walking out may have been part of an angle involving Eric Bischoff. You tried to work us, Vince, but you can’t! We’re the wrestling Internet scene! WE KNOW ALL!
The Eric Bischoff story is pretty much consider bullshit at this point. More on this non story as it continues.
Because of Austin’s walk out, Flair is now Raw’s number 1 face. Tell me, what happened to Kane? Bradshaw? JEFF HARDY? He’s yhujwa kshfik again!
Vince McMahon was said to be in good spirits at Raw, despite Austin walking out. Those spirits were 100 proof.
NON-AUSTIN RAW JUNK NEWS
X-Pac refused to work Heat due to already working Raw. This is like the second time in three weeks he’s pulled this stuff. Pac has really grown some balls since his friends came home.
The reason the team wanted X-Pac on Heat was to give it a little star power to help the ratings. Hey, if you’re looking for a tiny little bit of star power, X-Pac is your guy!
Despite McMahon winning the company, the split will stay intact until RVD decides to stop spreading his legs.
Upon hearing that the two show rosters will remain as is, Crash Holly continued to wonder where he went wrong with everything.
Shawn Michaels was given permission to take a shot at Rock on Raw. That wasn’t very Christian of him. Neither was kicking that poor African American ex-con. Jesus wouldn’t have super kicked Booker T. He would have healed Booker’s wounds with his blood.
Michaels actually wanted to go with his new religious side and crucify Booker, but the Undertaker thought it was too similar.
Lesnar is in for a huge push over the next few months, as was seen beginning on Raw. As with all people the WWE has pushed recently, Brock will reach a point where he gets really, really over and then will injure his fibula and be out for 3 years.
Chris Harvard debuted on Raw and debuted the best new gimmick of the year. He’s a cocky, smart heel who makes corny jokes about Harvard. That’s a weird but great combination.
According to CRZ, Jeff Hardy said, “Blank remains unfilled. Jeff Hardy.” Slow down, crazy hick.
Really, when you take away the fans and the fame and the ring, Jeff Hardy is just another crazy redneck jumping off of things for fun.
When Goldust said that Shawn hated black people, was he drawing on the time Dx wrote racial slurs in the Nation of Domination’s locker room in order to frame the Hart Foundation? Information I’ve learned that I really need, I don’t remember. This crap I retain.
SMACKDOWN JUNK NEWS
Undertaker and HHH sign a contract. Now everything HHH has is half Mark’s, everything Mark has is half Taker’s.
Nidea seems to have decided on playing a red neck slut. Good for her.
Two King of the Ring matches take place, and now I’d say there is no clear cut favorite. Probably won’t be until after the quaterfinals. Until then, I pick my nose to become the 2002 King of the Ring.
D-Von fights Farooq breifly. Wasn’t D-Von being pushed? When did that become off of a cliff?
The Tough Enough winners COLLIDE!!!
Lance Storm faces retirement. (Lance Storm, by the way, has not updated his comment board since that little prank we played last week. Man. I kind of feel lousy.)
HHHHH face KAUT. The match ends when a ‘rattlesnake’ injects his ‘venom’ into ‘h’is own body.
NWA JUNK NEWS
Jim Barnett was signed away from the NWA by the WWE. Jim promised to fulfill all of his obligations to the NWA as his finished throwing his suitcase in the trunk of his car and sped away from Nashville.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
They’ve got midgets. They have Francine as their leading “Diva.” They have Buff Bagwell and Rick Steiner as serious contenders to the world title. Their top face’s last match when was Ken Shamrock’s last match? Jeff Jarrett never was and never will be a top heel.
Now let’s add to this the fact that ticket sales have been so poor that they are considering doing all of the shows in Nashville. But I’m sure that the pay per view sales will more then make up for the poor ticket sales.
Do you get it now? Do you see how this is going to fail so miserably? DO YOU? COME ON!
How dare you whine about how negative I’m being? It doesn’t matter if it’s the best wrestling show on the entire goddamned planet! I DON’T CARE! NO! IT WILL NOT MAKE A PENNY! SHUT UP!
THE GODDAMNED PROMOTIONAL POSTER DOESN’T FEATURE A GODDAMNED WRESTLER!
This is just so goddamned stupid. They figured the reason they weren’t selling tickets was because people would rather pay 10 dollars to see it on PPV then 35 to see it live. It couldn’t be that people didn’t give a crap, could it?
BIGGEST DISASTER IN PRO WRESTLING EVER! EVER!
Junk news. Huzzah!
AND NOW, A SHORT STATEMENT FROM ROSS GRUTMAN
2 weeks ago, the Undertaker asked Matt Hardy to give a message to his brother Jeff. UT then proceeded to beat the hell out of Matt Hardy. Now, did Matt ever give this message to his brother? And if so, did he give the full message completely, along with all the usual UT grunts and moans from being old? And do you think Jeff would then ask Matt to pass along another beating to the UT? Why wasn’t Jeff playing the guitar again? Where is the poetry? And where is the our old fashion team X-tream? Now hit my music! What’s that Josh? What do you mean I have no music? But you promised me! You’re the worst promoter ever! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
PLUGS
Congrats to Jay Bower for getting a job writing for a major men’s magazine. qvMagazine is lucky to have you. Seriously, though, it’s good to see wrestling writers getting real writing jobs. Salud!
Dustin Case does a Behind the Music type thing for Steve Austin. He is 411’s new funny guy, because we don’t have enough of those.
Dave Murphy has come to praise HBK, not to bury him. Art Blunt did that with the Lyrical Stunt.
Joe Rivett HATES the Ultimate Warrior. See, I found myself understanding what Warrior was saying in his last post. He seems to be laying back on the made up words, and it makes him seem like more of a human being. That being said, he is still an idiot trying desperately to be smart.
The conclusion to Mr. Rodriguez 2 is up. I was proud of part 1 of this thing, and then I just stopped trying. Anyway, enjoy.
REAL STONE COLD OPINION
Stone Cold Steve Austin walked out on the WWE without telling anyone. Imagine you’re the best player on a sports team, and you choose not to show up for a game without telling anyone. Now imagine you’ve done this because you were unhappy with the direction of your team. You have exhibited poor leadership skills, and you are a leader. You have shown your contempt for the people that cheer for you, your teammates, and your coaches. You have decided that you are more important then the overall team.
I don’t know what Stone Cold wants. All I know is that a long time ago Vince McMahon put the future of his company in the hands of Steve Austin. In order to elevate Austin, sacrifices were made by the WWF’s top stars at the time. The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, and Bret Hart all put Austin over. It was a gutsy thing to do, but in the end it was the right thing to do. Hey! Let’s talk about Bret for a bit.
Bret became the WWF champion seemingly on a whim. It just happened. He held the belt for a very long time, and because of this became a real star. Then the Kliq stupidness started, and instead of fighting for the title Bret was fighting an evil dentist, a clown, an evil foreigner and a fake king. Instead of announcing that he was very unhappy with the current direction of the WWF, Bret Hart stuck around and wallowed through the stupidity. He was rewarded at Wrestlemania 10 with another title run and a great program with his brother.
However, there came a point where Bret had a chance to leave to go WCW. A huge contract and creative control changed Bret’s mind. The first thing that Bret did was announce that he would be fighting the WWF’s best wrestler, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Stone Cold went from a mid-carder to a main eventer. Vince then wanted to get rid of Bret. Bret didn’t want to lose the title. Vince took the title off of Bret without telling him he was going to. They’re still not friends to this day because Bret had a right to say that he didn’t lose a match.
Stone Cold, Vince likes you. If you have any ideas, Vince will listen to them. You gotta help him out now. He needs you. Vince is at the beginning of a rebuilding stage, a stage that will create new people for you to feud with. You will be in the upper card for the rest of your career in the ring. There is no question about that. When a mid-carder fights you, he becomes an upper mid-carder. Do what Bret did for you for others.
I have to cut out at about 5:00 pm on Wednesday. If I miss anything really important… this is wrestling. NOTHING IS IMPORTANT!
Enjoy Ashyatski. Then I’ll be back.
