A Wrestling News Report 06.27.02

Archive

What a week for me! I’ve been an extra in an Adam Sandler film at Yankee Stadium, had someone (and I know who you are) pretend to be me twice at Weinerville, and I’ve been attacked by someone on my own site who won’t even admit to attacking me! Besides all of that, I’m tired and cranky ready to get drunk tonight for my friend’s birthday, so let’s do this!

Get the cooool, get the cool JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

I just saw that commercial with the gum and the Gorillaz. Sorry.

Bret Hart has passed away after falling off his bike. This comes as a terrible blow to the Hart family, who wait, he’s okay. He just released a statement. Sorry.

The creative team is upset with Kidman, who has apparently refused to go forth with a program with his real life fiance Torrie Wilson. After they tried pressuring Kidman by firing Lance Storm, they then decided to all have sex with Torrie in front of him. Kidman is said to be furiously aroused.

The Rock is said to be the same nice guy backstage, although he avoided the ‘politicians’. Mayor Helmsley was said to be upset by this, while Vice President Michaels and Secretary of State Crash Holly didn’t even notice.

NWA has signed Christopher Daniels for their X division. Christopher was said to be excited to be in a company which will last for two more weeks.

By the way, what were the buy rates for last week? Anyone know?

Chris Jericho has abandoned his site and Internet commentaries due to negativity. You won, Flea!

Because I unfortunately had to go out, I was unable to report on the NWA. I’m sure it induced vomiting.

Remember when X-Pac refused to work Heat? It may have been because Michael Hayes was booking the match, and X-Pac had cut off his mullet, and X-Pac was afraid the mulletless Michael Hayes would make X-Pac look bad. I’d like t o hear what Lance Storm has to say about all of this. You know where to contact him.

Goldberg did not meet with the WWE when they were down in Atlanta. After all, the WWE is sick and disgusting, and Goldberg would never appear on a program with such loose moral values.

Goldberg will appear on Arli$$ this Sunday.

In a conference call yesterday, Linda McMahon said that Steve Austin only had short term impact on the WWE. The call was temporarily disconnected when her nose grew to the point that it went right through the phone.

The WWA has cancelled an international tour due to poor ticket sales. They have since decided to have all of their shows put on in Nashville.

Tajiri and Albert have a match on Velocity. So do Kidman and Funaki, Hurricane and Christian, and Noble and Chavo. There will also be a ten minute intermission for punch and pie.

On Smackdown, John Cena fights Kurt Angle in what is being called a match of the year candidate. Well, a match of the night candidate. It’s thought to be a pretty good match if nothing to write home about. Look, they’re trying to elevate new talent, so what if the match sucks? Fine! Watch Friends! Readers like you are why Chris Jericho left the Internet. Come back, Chris! I still love you.

The Undertaker shakes Cena’s hand after the match. Cena turns black and withers away at the touch of the Grim Reaper.

Torrie Wilson is all slutty and stuff in promotion of the Diva’s Undressed or whatever thing.

Bichullck fight Val and Holly for the tag team titles. WWE, I’m begging you to get the titles off of them before they actually seem legitimate.

Lance Storm faces Mark Henry in a Can-Am destruction match. I swear to God, if Mark Henry loses I’m beating up the first 20 Canadians I see so we regain some semblance of dignity.

Rikishi fights Test in a loser sets himself on fire match. Children were said to have been screaming and crying.

Hogan and McMahon talk about the good old days when steroids had not made either impotent.

Noble lets Tajiri kiss Nidia in some kind of secret plot to make Scott Keith’s head explode.

Kidman and Hurricane fight Noble and Tajiri. The match ends in a horrible, horrible orgy.

Three black guys and one white guy have a tag team match. Being that you know Mark Herny had a match, try to figure out who the other three black guys were. It’s not difficult, especially since most of you already read the spoilers.

Hulk fights Jericho. After the match, a ringside fan says that he was bored with the whole thing. Jericho calls him a mark and refuses to fight in public ever again.

Oh, and Angle and Undertaker set up a WWE title match for next week. I really thought that Jeff was going to win that ladder match. Oh well.

Junk News was short today! OH WELL!

WEINERVILLE

Not sure if I spelled it right. Anyway, I’m not going to say I’ve never been there. I have, especially recently after not going there for a long time. Anyway, there was this Keith vs. Hyatte thread that had just about closed, and I had a conversation with SOMEONE (yeah, you) online about it. This SOMEONE (you) knows my style, interjected my name when there was no reason to, and came off as though they were me. When accused of being me, this person then wrote under my full name that the first person wasn’t me. Confused? Me too, a little, especially since I wasn’t online that much this past week.

I don’t think anyone has ever pretended to be me before, so let me set the precedent for it when I ask you to please stop. I think you got someone mad at me that I don’t want mad at me.

THINGS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

If you don’t want to publicly attack another person, why do you? When you can send them an e-mail instead of putting it in your column, why put it in your column?

I think you got the message. I never personally attacked you up there, but you feel kind of pissed off, don’t you? You feel like responding? Now you know exactly how I feel. You had already responded to what I had written the first time, and I responded with nothing but compliments for you. You responded to my compliments to printing a letter from a fan that started off insulting me. I let it go without saying anything, I think, and now you do this, still refusing to let it go. I don’t do web feuds. It is crap like this that gets a cool person like yourself not mentioned in my column for awhile.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Not a fan of Adam Sandler? Well, eat me. I was an extra at Yankee Stadium for Adam Sandler’s new movie, Anger Management. I met and actually talked to Allen Covert, who was a really cool guy and told me and Debbie a funny joke some comedian had told him. Debbie, his name is Allen, not Steve. We called him Steve all night long. I think his character was named Steve in Little Nicky.

Anyway, Jack Nicholson shot one scene while we were there, and he seemed like a pretty tired cranky old guy. This made sense, since it was 3 am and Nicholson is old. Adam Sandler, on the other hand, was just about the coolest person in the free world. At one point the director became angry, screaming at Adam to get back to the starting point of the shot. The problem was that after every take until about 5:45 am, Adam would pretty much dive into the crowd of extras and start signing autographs. He signed Debbie’s cigarette box earlier in the evening, and near the end of the shoot she was right next to him for a shot where he runs down the stairs. The director yelled cut, and Adam started signing autographs. With no reason, and her not saying anything, he turned around and patted her on the back. She’s a huge Adam Sandler fan, and was very happy to have one of her dreams come true. Also, I won her a t-shirt, which was nice.

Adam Sandler seems to have found the proper balance between being a normal guy and knowing what his celebrity status means to others. Good for him.

PLUGS

The King of the Ring Mop-Up is up, so our readership must be. Go read the best writer on the internet wrestling scene.

David Murphy loves Brock Lesnar. WHY DON’T YOU MARRY HIM?

The World According to Ron is great, as per usual.

Norton responds to Chris Jericho. Chris Jericho has had no comment.

Bob Barron came so close to writing a funny, different video review of the 1996 Slammy Awards. If only he didn’t pick the damned winners. Oh well.

Claire Flynn Boyle has a new review up. The women are the current class of the video section. Check it out.

That’s the plugs! And that’s it for this week. Sorry if I was kind of out of form. Taking a week pretty much off from the internet will do that to you. Have a good week.