The Week In Wrestling 7.1.02

Question to Eric S: What do you use as a virus scanner? I’ve found groups give out virus loaded software. I’ve also recently become a big fan of Kazaa lite, too… especially since Audiogalaxy went all Gator. Thank you for the burning software, btw… I’ve been mostly S.O.L. since I got Win2k and found my EZ CD Creator software wasn’t set for Win2k… and I’m not at college anymore so my free software days are suspended… UNTIL NOW!!!

In other news, I read today that some lawyers somewhere have started a class action lawsuit against tobacco companies. This is good. Not diseases or anything. Because: all of the anti-smoking things you see on television are sponsored by tobacco companies… Truth and such… so, the lawyers are charging the tobacco companies with polluting kid’s minds by telling them “smoking is bad” which makes them want to smoke MORE. Also, since they can’t promote cigarettes on television, the anti-smoking ads are the only advertising they can do. AND IT’S THEIR FAULT. Oy, Lawyers. So, the government forces them to put on anti-smoking ads… they do, putting on very blatant ads that say “smoking will KILL you,” and it’s STILL their fault. Gotta love our court system.

I’m also a bit bummed that the WWF swung through NYC last weekend without coming upstate. Usually, a house show at MSG is a sure sign they’re heading up to Albany for a Raw or Smackdown that week.

WWF

Raw

The word of the week is apparently “Ruthless Aggression” as Vince demands it from all the Raw stars. The nWo says they have it. Vince sets up most of the show in the opening interview. Booker steals Shawn Michael’s “damn skippy,” which he had stolen from my friend Chris. Booker T officially got to end the segment with his music, which officially means they’re trying to get him fully over. I’ve had him fully over for about six months now. Good to see Booker T getting put toward the top… it’s where he should have been all along.

As the Bradshaw singles push has failed miserably… they have officially put him back in a tag team… with Spike Dudley. He now wears his hat and brings his rope to the ring again. Nothing says “over” like the Justin Hawk days. Tough Enough Chris is now Christopher Nowinski and his gimmick is “The Only Harvard Graduate in the WWE.” My only question is where one gets a pair of tear-away khakis. King had a copy of the Harvard yearbook, just to prove TE Chris went there. He was, sadly, not wearing tear-away khakis in the yearbook. He’s officially over with me, simply because his pants rule. He did, however, get a rollup pin on Bradshaw, officially making him more pushed than Maven. Chris smiled all the way up the ramp… you would be too.

Vince told Slaughter to inform Tommy Dreamer and Raven they would be wrestling a match later… one of them would be wrestling on Raw for the last time. Then, Vince moves into the dressing room to hit on Jackie… who is super-hot and super-young… and is apparently Vince’s Rawslut. Guess Linda doesn’t mind Vince getting with three different yaks on two different shows. This is my kind of marriage. Continuing the segment, Undertaker wants Rock tonight, but Rock isn’t there… instead, he will get Jeff Hardy, which we all know because Vince told us at the beginning of the show.

With the number of backstage sketches this evening, I’m assuming Russo has some power backstage. I enjoy the fact that, the more heel Eddy gets, the more Mexican he gets. If he pushes a quadripalegic out of a wheelchair, I believe he’ll just start speaking only Spanish. Another key indicator is the fact that there were two matches in the first 45 minutes, both of which ended on a roll-up in under three minutes.

They showed lots of WCW Footage of Rey Mysterio Jr. Think of the original 30-second teaser trailer of Episode Two… with second long shots of him doing stuff. I’m hoping he comes in with the mask, and not as Mini-Eminem.

Golddust did a parody of Steve the Crocodile Hunter, where he searched the nWo locker room. It was very possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Stevedust found a sleeping Showpopotumus and a slinky grease rat… who tend to suck. Oh yeah… and SUCKAAAAAAAA has officially caught on.

Dreamer gets to stay on Raw.

I would also like to say that, while Will Smith has had some pretty awful songs in the last few years… “Nod Ya Head” may be the worst song EVER.

Brock’s shoulders are bigger than any person’s should be. Paul E talked up Brock’s win… and the fact he will be getting the belt at Summerslam. RVD broke up the coronation. Paul E was not happy about this, and demanded Brock’s first title shot against RVD right now. Rather than making people watch next week, Vince decides it’s a fine match for tonight.

The Undertaker/Jeff Hardy match proved to be a complete waste of time. It was just a total squash. Jeff asked for a ladder match… next week! Take agreed.

Tough Enough Jackie came out in full leather. She’s officially OK with me. Tough Enough Linda, on the other hand, came out in a sports bra and shorts… she is more the “Wrestler” type while Jackie is more the “Diva” type. I am the “lazy fatass who writes for the Internet” type.

With three new yaks from Tough Enough, I think it’s about time to give Terri her walking papers. Heh… Eat a Sandwich, Skeletor. Wrestlecrap ownz.

I’d like to point out that Busta Rhymes is the Black Guy in the new Halloween movie. See a white guy take his frustrations out on the Rap community. If the movie doesn’t sell $100 million on this selling point alone, it will be quite a disappointment. I’m disappointed that Busta doesn’t have some ridiculously flamboyant outfit with glitter and feathers.

I fail to see the point of putting together tag teams on Raw, considering even Jeff Hardy was smart enough to point out that tag wrestling was pointless on Raw.

The RVD/Brock match ended up in a non-finish. Heyman came in and broke up the count after a split-legged moonsault from RVD. You’d think Paul E would realize after watching RVD for the last 8 years that he’s NEVER PINNED ANYONE WITH THAT MOVE. Post-match, RVD gave Paul E a 5-Star frog splash… and then got killed by Brock. Brock gave RVD one of the stiffest spine busters I’ve ever seen… and it was on the floor. This was followed by a vicious powerbomb through the announce table. The show ended with no commentary, just an evil looking Brock staring over a wrecked RVD in announce table rubble. Whoever set up THAT production shot deserves a raise.

Smackdown

John Cena, who I’ve never heard of or seen, came out and made a great debut against Kurt Angle. He impressed me, and is better in the ring than most of the main eventers right now. He’s actually very Sting-ish, without the paint or the gay surfer-dude hair. This guy is pretty good. However, after a start that hot, look for him to become the second member of Reverened D-Von’s church. Can’t have the new guys getting over on us, can we?

If I had money, I’d be all over the house show at Mohegan Sun, which is an Indian Casino in Connecticut, for all you who didn’t know. They recently overhauled the whole place and made it huge, I guess… and I’m curious to see it. That and the small fact some of the wrestlers might even take a moment or two to throw down some chips. Nothing says fun like a Crap Table and Bradshaw!!! Wrestling and gambling all in one night… if there’s a heaven, that’s where mine would be. Except I’d win at the tables.

New tag team of Valbowski and Holly. It’s a shame my Valbowski strike is still on, because they might make a decent tag team… they already have matching outfits… which, as any person knows, is a necessity for a tag team.

Jamie Noble’s favorite word to refer to other people is boy. I think he will be in trouble if he ever wrestles someone black. He’s not Scott Steiner, after all, who did everything but call Booker T “nigger” during their feud. Jamie now pimps Nidia to his tag team partners. If wrestling worked that way, I think I’d always try to be Matt Hardy’s partner.

The Undertaker came out for a promo… and I dozed off sometime during it. Not to say it was boring… just to say it had been a long day. I came back around the time where Test was discussing with Christian and Storm about how America sucks. They unfortunately don’t seem to realize that they’re Canadians.

Stacy Keibler was in a incredible school girl outfit. So incredible, in fact, that I didn’t even have to rub myself to finish…. I just finished.

Leviathan had his first in-ring showing and he beat Randy Orton in about a minute once he tagged in. What a waste with D-Von.

Jericho and Hogan’s main event ended after a big boot. Jericho rolled out of the ring and grabbed a chair and got a blatant DQ. He had Hogan’s arm set up for the same shot that put Edge out when his music hits. Edge comes out to Jericho’s entrance, countdown, fireworks, and arms out. He spins around with the evil looking Edge smile. The strobes were going on his face with the smoke from the pyro raising around him. THIS should actually have been the shot to end the show. Make people tune in next week to see Edge get his revenge. Little things like this are what makes television “episodic,” make people wait till the following week to see something happen. Anywho, Edge ran down and he and Hogan double-teamed Jericho till he escaped… then the final shot was Hogan and Edge holding each other’s arms up in the ring. Far less effective as a closing shot. Bischoff, of all his mistakes, had THAT secret. End on action, not on resolution… one of the key things to make people tune in next week.

NWA: TMJ

The show opened with the match they set up last week. Scott Hall vs Jeff Jarrett… they also recapped every agonizing minute Jarrett was on the screen from last week. Scott Hall’s music is very reminscent of Razor Ramon’s. Coincidence? I think not. Hall won with a little bit of help from Toby Keith. That country singin’ dude, in case you were wondering.

They decided, for some reason, to sign Cheex to the roster, who’s about a 450 pound black guy with legs that make Rikishi’s look svelte. He does a – wait for it – BIG SPLASH as a finisher. With all the independent talent around the country… why sign this guy?

They have some storyline going where Alicia (formerly Ryan Shamrock and Symphony) accosting the ringside crew for money. This week Borash paid her off and last week it was Slick Johnson. Don’t have any idea where they’re going with this, unless she’s some kind of pimp or something.

K-Krush had his match with Brian Christopher. I didn’t much care. Someone suggested there was racial overtones in last week’s interview. I certainly didn’t notice.

Joel Gertner is hanging with Rainbow Express because, dammit, let them live their lives. The match was probably good, but I spent most of it admiring Lenny Lane’s beard. The Rainbow Express kiss each other’s hands to tag in… if that doesn’t scream hysterical heel, I don’t know what does. The Dupp’s refuse to wrassle the Rainbow Express because they ain’t wrasslin no hippies, so instead we get two guys trying to be the Smoking Gunns. The Rainbow Express is so gay it’s funny.

Ricky Steamboat gives an interview to Ken Shamrock. Which is interrupted by James Vandenburgh. Which sets up a match with Malice for next week.

The X-Title matches was, perhaps, the best thing I’ve seen on PPV in quite some time. These guys seriously busted their asses. I am now a huge fan of both Low Ki and AJ Styles. This is the division the NWA needs to focus on, because the stuff on the top, thus far, has been plodding and boring. These dudes are what can get this federation over. Next week they’re having a one night tournament for the tag team titles. They should ALL be these guys. Yang should be in it as well, tagging with only his sideburns. It’s all he needs. One thing I did notice about the NWA is the minor fact that they mentioned that none of the Flying Elvises were in the X tournament, when they won last week. See, the WWF would just pretend the previous week never happened, sense be damned.

The Week In Wrestling

Well, the way I look at, the NWA is a good to great show. I’ve left both weeks not feeling disappointed or ripped off… which is good. But for how long can they hold this up? If I were them, I’d offer package deals. If folks want to order all four Wednesdays of each month, they get one of them free. Then, you’re only paying thirty bucks a month, which is less than a two and a half hour WWF PPV. Eight hours for thirty bucks… not a bad deal. AND they fact you only see ONE charge on your cable bill, not four. Little business things like that need to be done to get them into people’s minds, and to further this new (insane) business model they’re trying to get to work. Because, if Vince thought he could get people to spend money, weekly, on a PPV, I think he’d have been doing it for the last 10 years. Now, they’re shooting themselves in the foot by giving away most of the show on free TV in Nashville, because they destroy that market, and anyone with a satellite dish.

I would also like to say that the NWA’s website is awful. I’ve seen geocities websites that were better streamlined then this thing. If Bob’s responsible for this monstrosity, I’m surprised. I know the NWA isn’t about snazzyness and stuff, but they could at least try to make the site manageable.

And, since 411 is down as of this writing, I can’t really go over too much of the news, because I don’t know it off the top of my head, and I refuse to go to most other sites because the popups shut my computer down. A couple of things though:

About Chris Jericho. To an extent, I agree with him about the ridiculous negativity of some Internet types (*coff* Keith) but, dude… it’s been going on since the dawn of time. Now people have a forum to discuss it. I, personally, thought the match with RVD was excellent, but not super stellar. Matter of fact, I don’t even think it was the best match of the week… I’d send that either to Cena and Angle or AJ Styles and Jerry Lynn’s two falls. As a wrestling match, it was way above average, but it wasn’t the best match ever or anything. Hell, I spend Monday and Tuesday every week getting criticized by folks who think they know more about wrestling than me… some of them probably even do… but I don’t get pissed about it. My thought: didn’t somewhere a while back they said the WWF Management wanted Jericho to close his personal site? Maybe they just finally demanded it. Yes, I can sit back and be entertained, but to just shut your mind off and go “every…thing…is…great” is just never going to happen, nor should it. Yeah, I was entertained by Attack of the Clones… it didn’t mean I didn’t think it could be better. In fact, Episode 2 SHOULD have been Episode 1, in my own damn opinion. Was knowing that Anakin was retrieved from a slave planet and was going to be trained to become a Jedi help flesh out the story in any way? Nope… was it something they could have just as simply done in 10 minutes worth of flashbacks? Yup. Did the half hour wasted on the f-ing pod race help out the story any, when it was a foregone conclusion from the moment it started that Anakin was going to win? Nope. If Episode 1 started where Episode 2 did, it would have been a better movie, I think… and Episode 2 could have gotten more into the story that everyone wanted to see… that being what makes Anakin turn to the dark side, the birth of Luke and Leia etc. Does it mean I hated both movies? Not at all. Do I think they could have been better? Absolutely. Was I entertained by the KOR match with RVD? Absolutely. I am allowed to say I think it could have been better. Also, absolutely. How many times in one paragraph can someone use the word absolutely?

Regardless, if Jericho is done with Internet, it’s not going to ruin my day, night, or weekend. I’m not ever going to be one of the drones on his website crying because he went away. Peace, Chris. Keep up the good work.

And since that’s about all I can remember of this past week’s news… and because I’m not going to type it over when 411 comes back up tomorrow… this is about where I’m going to end it.

Till next week:

End Transmission