What exactly is a smark? – WeezerGeek1 to me, 7/2/02
How do you answer a question like that? There are so many issues of fact, morality, philosophy, and even epistemology to deal with that a quick answer just doesn’t seem to fit anymore. I mean, I could just say “‘Smark’ is a contraction of ‘smart mark’, signifying a person who knows a great deal about the inside workings of pro wrestling without being an actual insider”, but I think it’s moved way beyond just that by this point.
I do not like being faced with conundrums like this at two in the f*cking morning, people.
And welcome to Wednesday at 411. Many of you Americans have four-day weekends coming up, you lucky bastards. I have to work Friday, but that’s cool, since I get paid Friday, and since one thing that we’re honoring tomorrow is our financial independence from Britain, I see it as a part of honoring our short history. I’ll celebrate our country’s independence with something involving me and air conditioning flowing over my naked, sweaty body, perhaps answering your mail. Now that I’ve given you that repulsive image to chew over, let’s go to the column, shall we?
THE PIMP SECTION
Gamble has his typically great column available. I’d just like to say right now that You’re a Moron follows Judeo-Christian principles, specifically the Christian principle of “Do unto others as they would do unto you” and the Judaic principle of “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”. I’m sure Gamble knows the exact Biblical references by heart.
Norton likes Jeff Hardy. I don’t, but I respect his opinion greatly.
Nason has a short look behind some of the scenes of Raw.
SMACKDOWN REFLECTIONS (WITH THE NORMAL SPOILERS)
Somehow, WWE’s idea of how to honor July 4th greatly appeals to me. Have someone sing the National Anthem, then have a few Canadian friends interrupt the person and spew anti-American FUD. Hey, if it gets Lance Storm over, I’m cool with it.
Edge/Jericho for Vengeance? Sounds good to me, but there’s that whole Undertweener/Flex thing that’s sorta taking my finger off of the “buy” button on my digital cable remote…
You know, Freud would have destroyed the WWE “creative” team for putting Billy and Chuck anywhere near hot dogs. I mean, we’re talking Viennese ass-whupping here. You know, there’s one thing that applies to both hot dogs and penises: if you know what’s in them, you wouldn’t eat them.
Speaking of the Gay Boys, they end up dropping the titles, finally. Unfortunately, the result gives Hogan the one honor that he’s never had in WWE: the Triple Crown. They’re just making goddamn sure the guy’s got everything he wants before sending him to the glue factory, aren’t they? How much reward is a “just reward”?
My Beautiful and Beloved and That Ten-Buck Slut in Yet Another Bra And Panties Match? Look, I have no objection to seeing two beautiful women in bras and panties, but enough is enough with them. Get some new blood in there.
What better way to end what sounds like a damn disjointed show than with a main-event schmozz? However, Team Canada Mark 3 gets involved, and if it gets Lance Storm over, etc., etc., etc.
Ah, damn, Ashish has yet again covered anything remotely newsworthy (another Raw ratings drop, another NWA-TNT show and them having Josh Matthews on the roster, etc.), so it’s time for more filler. Let’s head right into You’re A Moron, shall we?
A YOU’RE A MORON TRIPLE SHOT!
Here’s one that goes back a couple weeks that responds to my farewell-to-Austin column from Hryder552 (who might as well be Bryder552, if you know what I mean):
So you and every other “working stiff” has been put in the same situation as Mr.williams? So i take it you and every other “working stiff” has seriously injured their neck, come back from it, risked career threating injury, even paralyzation, and still did was asked of them for a year and a half without ever really being given any direction to work with? I cannot see how anyone can compare their normal job to what williams did. the first thing is you know if you had the money to walk out when something didnt go your way at work most likely you would, im pretty sure austin knew he was through when he left last monday night. the second thing is youre not being asked to put an extreme physical toll on your body 4-5 nights a week after having your career almost ended while youve been put in the same storylines week after week.
1) I have no direction to work with right now at my job, but I still come in each day. I constantly question myself as to why I put up with it, but then I get my paycheck and it seems to crystallize quite nicely. As for injuring myself to the point where it hampers my job performance, yes, I have done that. About four months ago, I had a disagreement with a meat slicer that required a finger to be cauterized to stop the bleeding. I was back at work right after the cauterization. It also ended up hampering doing this column as well, since it inhibited my ability to type for two months. As for my past, the Army left me with two bad knees, a bad back, and an ankle hanging on by one ligament. I’ve had three surgeries so far and need a couple more. Just because I’m not a wrestler doesn’t mean I’m not playing in pain.
2) I have walked out of a job, and without money to do it. I walked out because my employers asked me to do something illegal, though. Steve Williams walked because he disagreed with the creative direction of the company. Instead of airing his concerns and seeing if some compromise would be worked out, he left. Period.
3) I’m not asked to put an “extreme physical toll” on my body? Wrong answer. I work my ass off to the point of exhaustion, as do most of the readers here. We may not be wrestling, but we sure do put a physical toll on our bodies. What’s the physical toll taken on your body when you spend an hour and a half or so a day in a 15-degree-Fahrenheit bacon cooler? What’s the physical toll on your body when you spend another four to five hours each day in a place cooled to under 40 degrees Fahrenheit and have to walk out into a wonderful Chicago summer day? What are the potential physical risks at a place where everyone carries knives, there are running bandsaws, slicers, and injectors everywhere, and the forklift drivers go down the hallways like it’s turn f*cking three at Talladega? One guy lost a foot and part of his leg recently due to a stupid forklift accident. Oh, yeah, I work in a perfectly safe environment, asshole.
For someone conversant with real life, what Steve Austin did was be a whiny little bitch. Period.
Our second one merges into a question that Jason Tostevin asked me: “What exactly is a troll?” In Internet terms, Jason, a troll is a person who says something in a rude fashion simply to get a reaction. There is usually no logic, coherence, or reason behind the statement. It’s simply done to get people pissed off. For a practical example of a troll, let’s turn to VinDogg003:
Your Column Sucks, Most Of It Aint Even Wrestling, And The Wrestling Parts Of Your Crappy Ass Column Are Copied And Pasted From The Columns Of Others, Are You Hoping That The Daily News Will See Your Article On The President And Hire You? I Think Not, In Conclusion, You Suck And You Deserve To Be Strapped To A Chair And Be Castrated By Fishing Knives….
Note the capitalization of every word and misuse of punctuation. Note in particular the false charge of cutting and pasting, which, as every reader of this column knows, is completely wrong and is there to get a calculated indignant reaction from me. Note the incredibly rude tone throughout and the ignorance that the Chicago Daily News hasn’t existed for a quarter century. Note the vague threat at the end and the use of the term “fishing knives”, as if they’re somehow more dangerous than ordinary knives. This, my dear Mister Tostevin, is a troll.
It’s Three For Three time. Jason Gallo, who I think is a past winner here, mailed off three separate asinine letters in the space of a week. Let’s do them in chronological order:
You idiot! I am sick and tired of you bashing the most underrated wrestler in the world today, X-pac. He is one of the top three most talented wrestlers on the roster. He should be maineventing every Raw. He deserves a run as the WWE Undisputed champ.You moron! And I am sick of your lame ass non related wrestling rants. Stop It! I read your column for
wrestling news. Not bullshit about your pathetic life. Or Wimble suck, or the World crap er cup. You little backwoods, redneck, trailer park trash, kissing your cousin, good ole boy. Write about wrestling only, or get the F out.
Okay, now that you’ve stopped rolling on the floor about the X-Pac line, we can go on to Number Two:
You stupid shit! Who wants to read about cd burning in a wrestling column. Sounds like your burning something alright. But it is not just cd’s. You ignorant poor excuse of a columnist. Write about wrestling. Not about you not getting laid, or your boring ass job. Spare us all of the misery please. Write about wrestling. or start thinking about a new career jerkie.
Okay, we’ve moved from WWE’s tagline to Jericho’s. How creative. He gets even more creative with Number Three:
You f*cken moron. You little weasel. I bet you feel safe hidding in some dark room. Curled up in a corner with your pc writing ignorant things about people you know will never find you. Your column is beyond terrible. Writing about shit no one gives a f*ck about. I bet you are some lonley ugly kid no one likes. Who feels that his only way to get back at the world for his short comings is to lash out at innocent people. You goddam piece of shit. What a f*cking joke you are. I bet your balls haven’t even dropped yet. Well I am calling you out motherf*cker. Tonight in Boston,Ma I will be attending Smackdown. I have near front row seats. I am gonna hold up a big f*ckin sign saying something like ERic Sckulewitz of 411 wrestling is an ugly f*ckin cockless homo. If you have any balls (which we both know you don’t) you will respond . You f*ckin no good, cocksucking, motherf*cking, no ball bitch. Have a nice day.
Hmmm, if this wasn’t written before yesterday’s column was up, I’d say he was influenced by Kotex Long. There’s the same whiny threat of “why don’t you respond”, the same sexual innuendo, the same “people don’t deserve this” crap, etc. Thus proving that weak minds think alike. You know, he can’t be more than fourteen years old. If this is our nation’s future, why do you think I’m so cynical about everything?
As usual, I leave judgement up to you. However, in my books, they’re all Morons. I think that the best statement about them comes from my Fascist bud John King: It must be hard to write e-mail to you like this dude with broken toys for brains does, with one hand on the keyboard and the other finger-popping his keyhole. Well said, my friend. Well said.
And to close the segment, I’m going to turn to Big Daddy Kurt Dieckmann, who provides some sage advice for anyone who might be a future candidate for YAM:
I’m feeling a bit magnanimous today, and I’d like to offer up some assistance to young Coty that might make his errant ramblings to you a bit more…easier to read. I figure for each point of assistance I offer, I should be allowed to make one rude FemHygiene comment about his name. So, here we go:
1) Write your ramblings in Word before cuting/pasting them into e-mail. There’s a handy little feature in Word called “Spelling and Grammar.” All you need to do is hit F7 – it should lift some of the embarassingly bad diction from your insults. (Beaver Plug)
2) The word “I” when referring to one’s self should always be capitalized. I know the whole “lower-case-writing” thing is trendy on the ‘Net, but take some pride in yourself, son. (Box Cotton)
3) When goofing on people’s last names, remember to take ethnicity into consideration. While the brainstorm that created “Eric Swhatchamacallit” was cute, I’d recommend going the step further and using “Eric Swhatchamacallitski,” thereby attacking his Polish heritage as well. See? And when you flame me, try to come up with something more original than “Dick-mann” or “Dyke-mann” – those got boring in 3rd grade. I’d suggest something like calling me “Goehring” or “Goebells” which not only insults my German ancestry, but also inferrs that I am a Nazi as well. Give it your best shot, bunky. (Bush Blockage)
4) Getting your name published in an on-line wrestling column isn’t always a good thing. When you add to a point of discussion, that’s a positive thing. When you become the point of discussion, that’s a negative thing. Keep that in mind before hitting the “send” button. (Muff Muffler)
SOME QUICK READER MAIL
Yep, running out of time again and still have to do the shit/shower/shave thing. So let’s get to the mailbag…
David Bishop casts his vote in yesterday’s Parnassus Battle of the Bands:
Well, DUH, the Ramones + Dolls/Heartbreakers combo. Where does Bob Stinson fit into this though? Or Brian Jones?
All depends on two things: 1) How drunk is Stinson? and 2) How high is Jones?
SRVRonSim1 also casts his vote, with a couple caveats:
It’s easy to say that the punk quartet would beat the British invasion quartet, because John Lennon would have force-fed Keith Moon his own drumsticks the first time that Moonie came to the rehearsals blotto. That being said, I’m not sure if Lennon had the voice to raise above Moonie’s histrionics on the drums. If you replace Moon with, say, Charlie Watts, then the punk quartet is dead, dead, dead.
But a more telling question is if you took the three major British Invasion bands (Beatles, Rolling Stones and the Who) and stack ’em against the big three punk bands (Ramones, The Clash, and The Sex Pistols) who would win that? And we’re talking Matlock with the Pistols not Sid. All Vicious ever did for that band is sneer, after all they turned his damn bass off due to his atrocious playing.
Agreed on the results changing if Charlie Watts replaced Moonie, but Charlie is regrettably still alive (although you can’t really tell) and thus disqualified from consideration. As for the second question, it all depends on the time period. If you take the Stones and Who before, say, 1973, it’s very, very close. I’d give it to the punk crew (and it’s automatic that it’d be Matlock instead of Sid for the Pistols on bass) on the basis that the Beatles were never a great live band.
Memo to Lancelar: Honestly, do a Google search, since the number of sites devoted to NWN is growing daily. Bioware’s already put out one NWN module on their own, and most of the other modules are still Works In Progress, but you can check some of them out.
Jose G asks what spyware is? Spyware is any program that collects personal information on you and sends it without your permission to some sort of central repository, usually for sale to some ad people so that they can send you “targeted” spam. Spyware vendors usually pay writers of programs to include it as part of the distribution package for those programs, and it’s an alternative revenue stream for those program writers. For a better definition of spyware, check out this link.
David Jacobs asks an interesting sports-related question:
Question totally unrelated to anything political or wrestling: what is your take on the New York Yankees and their detrimental effects (if any) to MLB?
Well, since I loathe anything dealing with New York and I loathe baseball, I’d say that anything Steinbrenner does to kill the game is a positive. That being said, I love the Raul Mondesi trade, but I think that if the Boss had been slightly more patient, they could have had Cliff Floyd. I will, however, defer to the judgement of The Priz(!), who says Speaking of baseball, at this rate the Yankees are gonna spend more than the majority of most foreign countries. Hell, they hand out just as much money to baseball players as most third-world countries get from the US. Being a Yankee fan though, I don’t think this move puts them over the top. They could’ve won the World Series regardless.
Sean O’Leary asks why I didn’t like the main event of Raw. It’s mostly due to my total boredom with Undertweener, Sean, plus the fact that I think we’re conditioned now to expect fast-paced action and OTT violence from a ladder match. Jeff Hardy had to work at Undertweener’s pace, and he visibly looks uncomfortable at any speed below breakneck (no inference intended). Undertweener, on the other hand, wouldn’t even rush to the can with a case of explosive diarrhea. For me, it was just a matter of a bad fit of pacing between the two. It probably came off a lot better live than on TV, but there seemed to be too many dead spots in the match.
For a finale, The Unstoppable Demonic Force puts out a great proposition about Two-Time Moron Kotex:
Your column today made me think of a few things. First, Kotex said something along the lines of ‘if you want to settle this like a man, meet me on IM'(I can’t remember his actual words). How does a flame session on Instant Messenger possibly constitute a manly confrontation? And isn’t Kotex a type of tampon? And second, Coty Long said that he didn’t even read your column to find out he was a moron, that his friend told him about it. Isn’t that the exact same thing Keith said when Hyatte was trashing him and demolishing his credibility? That he didn’t actually read what ol’ glorydog wrote, but people told him about it? How many of these Internet people are going to take inspiration from that neurotic, self-important egghead? Or, if you look at it from a slightly tilted angle, what if these people are Keith, simply using different screennames? It’s possible, think about it.
It’s a scary thought, but I don’t think they’re Scott, because Scott wouldn’t butcher the English language on purpose, and even if he was trying, he couldn’t do the butchering as bad as most of the YAM winners. Scott has been very influential for a long time (let’s face it, he’s the de facto standard for recappers, since anyone who tries to imitate Hyatte comes across as a second-rate pretender), and he’s used to people ripping him off. Hell, I’m used to people ripping me off too (see any of the l’enfants provocateur at Online Onslaught). I take it as imitation being the sincerest form of flattery.
Well, I’m out of time here. If you’re in the US, enjoy your holiday tomorrow. Grut will be in, followed by Ashish and In Hyatte We Trust. Ashish will keep you updated on anything that might be breaking in the world of wrestling. And I’ll throw out hopes that Sharon Osbourne’s cancer surgery today is successful. All of you enjoy yourselves, and I’ll be back next week.
About Eric Szulczewski
