A Wrestling News Report 07.04.02

Happy Fourth of July everyone! Hopefully you’re reading this at the beach on your laptop computer. If not, well, go outside and do something!

As a special Independence Day treat for you readers, I have declared my Independence from the United States of America. My studio apartment is now the Republic of Grutman, and we don’t pay taxes! Also, we’re a communist society. Excuse me, there was a knock at my door.

Sorry, Eric S. wanted to join me. There’s really not enough room for a second person in the R of G. Hold on, there’s another knock.

I want to say that I was wrong, and I love America and I love being an American! It’s great! It’s okay, FBI guy is gone. I call an emergency meeting of the Prime Minister and Congress of the Republic of Grutman. The FBI has sent oh. It’s just me. Well, screw this. I still won’t pay any taxes anyway.

By the way, if monuments or buildings should be blown up today, I just want to state that all of this was written on Wednesday and 411’s thoughts and wishes are with the victims of this horrible tragedy. I can’t understand this world sometimes. I really can’t. It’s hard for me to believe in a God who lets this crap happen. Be strong, readers, for yourself and your families.

If no monuments or buildings blow up, you rule God! Allow yourselves to be weak, readers, and depend on you family members for strength!

Okay, I’m covered no matter what. I feel like a big one today. NWA Scramblevision, and maybe I’ll even give you a link to the really long and in the middle boring play I wrote. Although most of you already know what happened, let us start with a Smackdown and Velocity preview.

SMACKDOWN and Velocity first.

On Velocity, Tajiri fights Kidman while Bob Holly fights Chavo and Albert fights Conway in addition to Noble fighting the Hurricane. Wow. They’ve really made a nice little habit of throwing the cruiserweights into a corner they can call their own, save for the trailer park sketches on Smackdown.

Smackdown kicks off with Team Canada running down the United States. They brag of their superiority at hockey, short actors and whining. They are then silent.

Rikishi defends our honor vs. Lance Storm, cause we all know that America is so cocky that we won’t dignify Lance Storm with an REAL American. Screw Storm, the fired bitch! We’ll send an overweight, dancing Samoan to that ring to fight the Canuck, confident that will take care of the entire problem.

Dvon and Deacon face Orton and Val because Scott Keith liked the Val/Holly team.

Jericho and Vince talk about Edge until Jon Cena sticks his big fat nose where it doesn’t belong and gets it knocked off for his trouble in a match with Jericho. Jim Ross has called Cena “on the phone.”


Torrie fights Stacy.

A bra and panties match!

Torrie beats Stacy.

And then she shows her snatch!



TORRIE-STACY! TORRIE-STACY! TORRIE-STACY! (Bonus points to anyone who recognizes where that’s from.)

The Angle Undertaker championship match ends in a very controversial fashion. So controversial, in fact, that I smell rematch. And raw sewage.

And Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, a chronicle of the amazing rise and fall of my penis.

I woke up at 9 AM after having a dream about feuding with my friend over a Spanish girl. I won and was getting to the point of taking off her underwear when I woke up. My penis was fully erect, having risen while I slept. Then I got up and took a shower. Around 9:10, my penis ceased to be erect, plummeting to well known depths. While my penis is currently in a not so hard situation, I’d like to thank it for all it has done for this company. This being the 9,000,000 time it has gone soft after being hard, I’m not sure we’ll be able to continue to do business together. Still, I will always remember the good times me and my bald champion had together. Thank you, penis!

In a shocking and some what disturbing turn of events, my penis is slapping against my balls. Penis, I swear to God, if you slap my balls again I will go down there and beat the crap out of you! So will a hundred other internet wrestling fans!

Internet wrestling fans, we must intervene on this situation! That we can sit idly by as my penis beats on my balls is immoral. We have a chance to stand up and do something about it! I call for a net wide internet threat on my penis! If my penis continues to slap into my balls, I call for everyone to come and kick it! That’ll teach my penis a lesson in abuse!

Guys, I don’t know how to tell you this, but it just happened again. I have to follow through. Attack my penis on site. I might go to jail for this, but the balls must not have any more abuse thrust upon them. I apologize to my penis and wish it a very slight beating.



Vader has been arrested for driving drunk and resisting arrest. The sad thing is that he wasn’t actually drunk. He was just wearing that weird mask and couldn’t see. He threatened the cops thinking that they were all Sting. The last time Vader watched WCW, there were like a million Stings.

Apparently X-Pac was supposed to lose on Raw to Booker T, but he didn’t want to be seen getting his ass kicked by his real life friends. Booking plans changed when right before what was supposed to be his pre-match promo when X-Pac screamed, “THE PAC JOBS FOR NO ONE! MAKE SOME NOISE!” He then chopped his crotch 3 times and ran into a wall.

The creative team still has no idea what to do with Flair, as he does not want to be a regular wrestler. He didn’t sign on to be a regular wrestler. Let Foley complain about Flair all he wants, but Flair is the classiest act in the business now that Lance Storm has been fired for urinating on a fan.

Jim Ross hasn’t called Steve Austin, Bill Goldberg won’t call Jim Ross. Oh, I so hope they all get in touch with one another! Could they possibly have 3 way calling? Maybe they’d all be more comfortable if it wasn’t 1 on 1.

I just came across an interesting bit of news. Go to the newsboard and click on the thing about the PTC apologizing to the WWE. A whole lot of web people are probably going to be screaming about how we won, how the PTC is our bitch. The truth has come out, but we didn’t win squat. The WWE has a giant monkey off their back, but we don’t get anything. Think about that before you start jumping for joy, web geeks.

Was that harsh? Should I be happier? Man I’m jaded.

Vince Russo and the Disco Inferno are backstage at the NWA show. Isn’t Vince Russo working for the WWE, and isn’t the Disco Inferno dead? Or is that the other way around?

Watch the ending of the Undertaker/Angle match very closely. It could be funny.

With the Undertaker turning face, the WWE’s plans have changed. The plan was for the Undertaker to lose the title to the Rock, and then have the Rock lose the title to Brock Lesnar at Summerslam. Now the plan is for the Undertaker to lose the title to Brock Lesnar while the Rock fights Kurt Angle at Summerslam. This is all part of a plot to force the suicides of Eric S and Scott Keith.

The Rock is only returning for 6 weeks. This disappoints many wrestling fans and people who think that making a movie called “Hellderabo” will be the death of Rock’s career. Really, man, the title is just awful. No one is going to see that movie. Well, you probably will. Loser.

The NWA has announced that they had a higher buy rate then they thought they’d have, and this means that the NWA will continue for at least another few months. I have no problem admitting that I was wrong. It will not be the biggest disaster ever. However, people will not buy the show every week. It will turn out to be a normal disaster.

JR is lowering his work load, the slack of which is expected to be picked up by Johny Ace. With all that has happened lately, JR said he no longer wants to be the person who showers and dresses all the Canadian wrestlers.

And now, a note I sent to Lance Storm after the announcement of his firing was made earlier this week. There has been no response.

“As you may know, Chris Jericho has left the Internet and is refusing to update his commentary. In my news report on Thursday, I’m going to imply that he quit as a protest to you being fired for the 50th time by the WWE. I also plan on stating that the news of your termination was delivered to you by a forlorn looking Crash Holly, wearing nothing but a diaper and Canadian Flag bandana. I was wondering if you would like the chance to comment on these extremely disconcerting circumstances?

Yours Truly,

Joshua Grutman”

Lance Storm is obviously too upset to comment. We here at the 411 family wish him the best.

Well, wouldn’t you know that as soon as I sent in my report last week with my Bret Hart joke, news breaks that he has suffered a coma? Thanks a lot, Bret! You screwed me! In all seriousness, the hopes and prayers of the entire 411 family are with Sunny.

There are going to be WWE wrestlers at OZZFEST shows. Just don’t send Raven. Ozzy has a thing with birds. Hey, maybe you should send Raven!

Chris Jericho’s matches are slow and plodding. He sucks. I give his match on Smackdown that I haven’t seen yet 0 stars!

1wrestling forced the NWA to apologize for insulting the Special Olympics. Man, the world is such a better place now. Let’s not make fun of the retarded or slow or disabled. Let’s not look at how someone looks when we date them, cause it would be unfair to choose a pretty girl over an ugly girl. That’s discrimination. In fact, the only people we should poke fun at should be perfect in every sense of the word.

Really, people should be allowed to make fun of the Special Olympics, just as people should make fun of Paul McCartney’s Wedding and the Skakeel (sp?) murder trial. Not the Holocaust, though. Anyone who makes fun of that who’s not Jewish is going to hell. Hack Yuck Agh Tremble Tremble Ech! Sorry. I had something in my throat.

The Raw rating keeps on plummeting. McMahon was said to be untroubled by the down turn, as he was drunk as hell.

I just had a revelation. I reread what Chris Jericho wrote. Enough people online liked his match that he should have been satisfied. He wrote this to screw with our heads. Good for him! Although, truly, his match with RVD at King of the Ring was the worst match of all time.

On Tuesday at 6 PM, the SK Raw Rant is still not up. Like thousands of others, I have no idea what to think about RAW yet. Please, SK, hurry.

Widro had a 4th of July BBQ. I wasn’t able to attend due to issues at home, but I’m sure it was a drunken web guy orgy of stuff.


Trying to find the right channel. Hold on. Got it. Fire works are going off in celebration of K-Log being in the main event tonight. Hold on, food is ready.

Jim Miller has an important announcement to make. He was looking for talent in Japan IT’S AUSTIN! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN HAS I’m just kidding. For the two people who didn’t read another report, I apologize. He met a big Japanese guy named Amore, and Amore will have a championship match next week. He’d have it now, but the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. Yeah, THAT’S Amore.

Cowboy James Storm and a Harris come out to start the tag team tournament. They won last week. Will they win this week? Only God knows! Here come the penis boys. Either their manager gave the ending of the tournament away, or he was acting cocky. Wildcat and Cowboy. Hmmm. Cat Cow ! Cat Cow vs. the Dicks in the opening match! The fans are actually chanting something. Let’s go hem whore? Whatever. I want to remind you this is all based on what I hear. I can only kind of make out a picture. The Fags should definitely fight the Cocks in the championship match. Hey, what are the odds that Goldberg is headed to the NWA? Slim to none. Oh, Cow Cat won. The Cocks beat up Plumbtree, their manager. Whatever. Are the dancing girls gone?

Nope. They dance in their cages, unjustly imprisoned by a government that just stopped caring.

Here comes Scott Hall, drunk as usual. He should be ashamed of himself! GET A JOB, SCUMBAG! He says Hey Yo, and then Jarrett comes out to talk. Jarrett tells Scott Hall to take his ass exactly where he came from, bitch. This is so lousy. Why am I doing this? For you? Yeah, I guess. K-Log attacks Scott from behind, a move he learned in prison. Hall dispenses his jobber ass back to the floor, I think. What will happen tonight when Scott Hall and K-Log are in an actual match tonight? STAY TUNED! Wait, you already bought the program. Whoops!


Someone got hurt backstage.

A huge black guy I didn’t catch the name of Monty Brown? is in the ring. He calls himself the Alpha Male. I’ll call him Z-Smooth as a rip-off of Hyatte. I call him daddy. He calls me butt wipe. The Alpha Male is beating on the Zeta Male. I just had a really good shot of a slam on my television. Monty has cornrows. Z-Smooth won as I was thinking of a joke. That was quick.

Women dance for a lack of anything better to do.

Jim Miller IS MISSING! NOOOO! WE MUST FIND JIM MILLER! IF THE BLONDE ANNOUNCER CAN’T FIND HIM, WHO’LL BE ABLE TO? Oh, a midget cuts a promo on other midgets. Actually, it’s pretty cool.

The Fags are coming out. I just saw Lenny’s hair. Why doesn’t Jericho do that anymore? BECAUSE HE SOLD OUT! Oh God. A Buff Bagwell Promo. A Buff Bagwell match. Hey! I don’t have to watch it! Yes! Apolo is his partner. From the interview, they’re going to lose and have a match next week. Why does Buff Bagwell have any confidence. HOLY SHIT! One of the announcers just called Bagwell on being a piece of shit! Good for you, announcer. Do I hear a Triple H chant? Hey! I can see Alicia, but she’s blue. Oh well. She must want more money for having sex with people. You wanna know something? Drinking is fun before Scramblevision. AND THEN I GET SOUTH PARK AT 10! Oh, it’s not for sleeping with guys. She must do some kind of spiritual stuff. So much going on in the ring, probably. This is so stupid. Sorry. I listen to the announcers insult homosexuals. THAT’S HYATTE’S GIMMICK! Man, how many times am I going to mention him in this column? He’s either playing a joke on me or he played a really long joke on me. Oh, wrestling. Bagwell is pinned after showboating instead of “FINISHING HIMMMMM!” The Gays win. If the Gays win tonight, then for one night only both companies will have gay tag team champions! And are the Rainbow Express faces? Let them be faces. Bagwell just said shit. Uh oh. He’s Marcus. I think he’s fired. Quite a promo from Buff.

DANCE LADIES! Buff is so fired. Shit is a word for internet columns, not wrestling shows.

Here comes Shamrock. I smell rambling promo! Shamrock is kind of confused. He doesn’t care about Monty Brown, who only had 1 match, as opposed to Shamrock’s, um, 1 match. The crowd does what for both the heels and the faces. SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME! I CAN NOT LISTEN TO THESE HICKS SCREAM WHAT! I CAN’T, BUT I’M ALREADY INVOLVED! James Mitchell is on top of the building. Your career is over. JUMP! JUMP! Something tells me Malice is in the ring when the lights go out. Uh oh. Ken Shamrock is dead or something. Yep!

Backstage interview. One of the Cow Cat’s got hurt. UGH! GOD! God, give me the strength to never do this again. It is nothing more then an excuse to get drunk and complain. I don’t even get to watch the wrestling. Hey! Put the Simpson’s on Wednesday during prime time! Just do something. Spare me from killing time like this.

Tio is their best guy on the mike. Some other guy is coming out. Did they say Han Solo? Nope. Todd Stone. Tio with a kendo stick! Now they do play by play. Then they stopped. “GET UP, MIDGET!” Tio rocks. I’m serious, the WWE should build a midget division around this guy. Hell, get another guy with a similar gimmick and let them compete as one wrestler. Wrestlemania XX, Tio and Grouchy vs. Triple H for the world title. Oh. Tio won. Now he beats on the ref. One of the announcers love it. He attacks Don West, living out the dream.

Dance, ladies I can see squiggly in red, blue and green.

Will Ken Shamrock be ok? Only if you stupid what chanting hicks clap for him! Wait, that’s how you heel the Rainbow Express. Fairies. GET IT?

Apparently, Francine is evil.

Francine comes out. GO TO FOREVERFRANCINE.COM! GO NOW! DO IT! DO IT! Here comes Taylor Vaugh or something. I saw a half second of her clearly. She’s cute enough. Something bad happened. I need a smoke. It’s not a sex joke, I’m a filthy addict. Francine won by DQ. Ed Ferrrearwareareare gets to live out his perverse McMahonish desires or something. I dunno. I feel bad for Oklahoma. By the way, Norm McDonald did Dole’s hand. Why can’t Fersraerrwarewarea do Ross’ face?

HERE COMES HERMIE SANDLER! HER-MIE! HER-MIE! HER-MIE! I need a girlfriend. Ladies, looking for a single guy with no real current job who writes wrestling reports? K-Log comes out. I’m a catch. Hermie Sandler is going to fight K-Log next week. ONLY 10 BUCKS! 10 FUCKING DOLLARS!

I must be chanelling Flea. I should call Flea.

Here comes Malice. Is Shamrock alive? Will Shamrock fight him? No, but it’s STONE COLD! STONE COLD STEVE you bunch of marks. Not you guys. The guys who fell for it. Shamrock comes out without even the delay I was expecting. This is what defines a champion. This is what defines a waste of time, a waste of life. Well, so does writing junk news, but I enjoy that. Actually, I’m kind of enjoying this. Usually when I get insulting myself, I get upset. This is fun. SHAMROCK IS SELLING BIG TIME! Use the word smark now, Tenay. How about, “Shamrock is taking a beating?” I can’t believe Bagwell said shit. What an asshole. Hey, I’ve decided to admit it. I called for this promotion to fail miserably, and now I want it to. When I was making predictions, I didn’t care if it failed or not but I was sure it was going to. Now that it’s doing better then expected, I want it to. Shamrock got his anklelock. Malice made it to the ropes. Call me a jerk, but I’d like it if I was right. Wow, that is a jerkish thing. Oh well. Belly to belly is Shamrocks winning move, and he wins. GET A WINNING MOVE, DOUCHE BAG! FAIL! ALL OF YOU! WHY WON’T YOU JUST DIE!

Wow, I’m channeling my early work with all these capital letters. Dance woman, dance for the year. Dance for the laughter, dance for the tears.

X DIVISION! Here comes David Young and Bobcat. Should I know who Alex Marvez is? He writes a column. I probably should. Oh well. Every net boy just got an erection thinking their names could be said on NWA. Hey, say my name. Here’s a quote: “NWA? MORE LIKE NWGAY! HAHAHAHA! No, seriously, with the Rainbow Express and the Johnsons and Buff Bagwell and Grand Master Sexy and country singers, this really is the most homoerotic show this side of Queer as Folk.” OH MY GOD! I can’t see what is happening. I can’t believe they haven’t made Jeff Hardy a poetry quoting heel yet. Bobcat is on her cell phone, and another announcer TURNS THE ATTENTION BACK TO THE WRESTLERS! AWESOME! FUCKING AWESOME! I LOVE THE NWA! I mean, um, I, uh, NO! NEVER! I will not be impressed by what I hear, only by what I see! Because squiggly lines do not impress me, I refuse to be impressed by the NWA! I’m out of beer. Shit. Oh well. You know what would rule? If God smote the wicked and saved the righteous. I have a feeling he’d think a second before smoting me, and that second would be awesome. STONE COLD! Nope. SABLE! Just kidding. DAVID YOUNG! I’M SERIOUS, DAVID YOUNG IS IN THE RING! THE REFEREE IS WEARING A STRIPED SHIRT! MUMRA WAS THE ENEMY ON THE THUNDERCATS! Due to the lack of thuds, the action has slowed down. An inverted DDT by Styles. Why doesn’t the WWE just hire the best of the X-Division? They really gave up on Jerry Lynn way too quickly. They should be ashamed of themselves. BIG THUD! A SPINE BUSTER, JUST SHY OF ARN ANDERSON! AJ KICKS OUT! AGH! SNARF! AJ Styles wins somehow. I heard a big pop for whatever move that was. Bobcat comes in and dances, and makes her weird voice.

Women dance in cages, and why not?

They’re going to have a ranking system or something.

The Rainbow Express play gay guys in an interview. Joel Gertner plays a straight guy. Please don’t let the surviving member of Cow Cat bring out Rick Steiner, no matter how much fun Cat Dog would be.

The Rainbow Express comes out with STONE COLD! IT’S STEVE AUSTIN! I’M SERIOUS THIS TIME! HE’S DANCING WITH THE GAY GUYS! Oh, that’s Joel Gertner. Here come the opponents. It’s Jerry Lynn and AJ Styles. What the f*ck? What about the surviving member of Cat Cow? Jerry Lynn didn’t have a match tonight! Also, didn’t AJ Styles have another partner? Mathews something? AJ Styles is dead. Jerry is carrying the match. Screw this. Let’s see what else is on.

Berny Mac! Berny looks upset. He can’t deal with the kids liking his friend because his friend is fun. Berny says he’ll be fun, but the kids aren’t home when Berny does a sight gag with his teeth cause Kelly took the kids out for Pizza. Berny goes to the Pizza place, which is Chucky Cheeseish. They lost Briana, the little one. She’s small and scarred, and the camera does a great job showing her point of view. The little girl wants to go home with Berny, that R Kelly times a million. Berny apologizes for acting like a dick to Kel, but he found a place. Kel’s moving in with another friend. Okay, NWA!

Tag match still going on. I need to pee. Be right back. This is a really unfair match. Jerry Lynn didn’t fight anyone today, and the surviving member of Cat Cow won! Oh well. Screw it. Jerry Lynn is fighting the whole match by himself apparently. STONE COLD! Sorry. I’ll stop. STONE COLD! Last one. Tag to Styles! I got a semi clear picture, HURRACURANA OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT! WOW! This is the match that never ends. You can say this to all you friends! Hey, the X guys beat the RE. NWA: All AJ, All the Time! This is a travesty. Why couldn’t Cat Cow just win the title?

You know who’s dancing? Women.

The President is laid out or tied up. I bet the dicks did it!

K-Log comes out dancing. What happened to the rapping? Here comes Jarrett. He dances also. Who’d they get to do the music? Did they go to a Battle of the Bands or something? HAHAHA! SCORE! Christopher, Brian that is, comes out doing the same dancing as he did in the WWE if I see correctly. Here comes Scott Hall, to music very similar in beat to the old Razor Ramon song. They fight into the dancing women cage. They fight through the crowd. 15 minutes till South Park! YEAH! I guess this is a good alternative to the WWE if you don’t mind spending money every week on wrestling. There’s just something unsettling about that. Whatever. STONE COLD! K-LOG OFF THE TOP ROPE! He didn’t go for the pin at first. Jarrett keeps asking Ramon how he likes him now. Hall doesn’t answer. I’m shocked that Hall has a job right now. How could he not go to a serious rehab? What a dick. He doesn’t give two craps in hell about his children, and as a result they might grow up to become him. I hope his ex-wife is a mother who can make up for the errors of the father. I AM INTERNET WRESTLING WRITER! I CAST MY JUDGEMENT DOWN UPON SCOTT HALL! Brian Christopher ignores Hall’s tag attempt, rather arguing with the ref. Could this result in a 3 man beat down? Hall stops playing the dame in peril and crawls to the corner. This better end soon. South Park is on in 10 minutes. Yep. Christopher attacked Hall. 3 men on 1. Hall still gets the Razor’s Edge on K-Log. Hip Hop Drop on Hall. Jarrett and K-Log win. Ladies and gentlemen, your first nonsensical turn. Oh. Jarrett says shit. Maybe Buff isn’t fired. Jarrett cuts a scathing promo on Hall. Good promo. The only thing that would have been better if he told Hall to turn back to the bottle. So much for the epic K-Log vs. GMS feud. Jeff said something about the NWO. Jeff Jarrett will never be screwed again or something. Jarrett keeps attacking Hall on the stretcher. GOD, END THIS! Oh. It’s over. No it’s not. IT IS! YES! 50 stars. Best show ever.

Actually, I hope you watched Comedy Central after the matches. South Park and Crank Yankers resulted in one of the funniest hours of television ever. I watched it alone, and I found myself laughing out loud for almost an hour straight. It was disgusting but hilarious. Kudos!


I think I found something that beats Butt, Plugs.

Murphy is In Praise of the Undertaker and Jeff Hardy. It’s getting a little too PWIish for my taste. No offense, it’s a welcome difference from all of the Chris Jericho recommended negativity, but maybe too much treating wrestling like it’s all real.


Want to know what the Scotsman has to say about Head to Head Wrestling? The Scotsman. He’s a smark. No, not a pretentious web asshole, he writes for the smarks section of 411. Oh, yeah, I guess they are kind of the same thing. Hey! You leave the Scotsman alone! He’s just trying to review a wrestling game! Yeah, I know. Anyone who would willingly go under the title of smark should be slapped, but this guy never did anything to me so be nice. Can’t we just let him review his video game? You can be such a jerk.

Widro did a TNA report. He actually watched it. Have a good time at your party, Widro. I hope you get laid. Or at least drunk.

Just to end on a happy note, Bret Hart moved his left toe. Now he, Andre the Giant and Mandy Patinkin can storm the castle. Think it’ll work? It’ll take a miracle.