The Netcop Retro Rant for Capital Combat 1990
– This was a one-shot show from 1990 in the place that Slamboree would
be today. It’s the Robocop show, but I’m working my way through a
bottle of Bacardi rum, so I think I’m prepared. This is the WHIP-ASS
Turner Home Video edited version, where they cut out 90 minutes of shit
and leave two hours of good matches.
– Live from Washington, DC
– Your hosts are Jim Ross and Bob Caudle.
– Opening match, hair v. hair: Paul Ellering v. Teddy Long. Now this
always struck me as a pointless match, given that both guys are already
bald or near-bald. Missy Hyatt is the guest ring announcer, and that
just gets the night off to a terrific start. Strictly comedy as Long is
wearing boxing gloves and headgear. Match lasts all of a minute, as
Long loads up the boxing glove, but Ellering steals it and plasters him
for the pin. A professional hairstylist cuts off what hair Long has
left. We’ll be generous and go DUD
– Tony interviews Ole Anderson the Bookerman, along with Horsemen
members AA, Flair and Sid Vicious (who is wearing a tuxedo that looks as
though it was specifically designed to show that people as big as Sid
should not be wearing that particular tuxedo, and has a look on his face
as if to say that he is aware of the design specs and doesn’t give a
shit). Flair wishes he could deliver heel interviews this good today.
Sid does what he does best — stand in the background and look imposing.
– US tag team title match: Brian Pillman & Tom Zenk v. The Midnight
Express. Jim Cornette is locked in a steel cage at ringside. For those
keeping score, everyone in the match is FUCKING GREAT at this point. A
brawl erupts and Cornette casually attempts to not be in the cage, but
the champs lock in him there themselves. Ross: “Cornette was a mixed
doubles champion in college…of course, his partner was named Jack”.
He also makes fat jokes about Jimbo, to really stress who the heels are.
Pillman and Zenk do the Rock N Roll Express “double team the Midnights
into oblivion” sequence that must have taken hours to choreograph.
Damn, the Midnights were so good that it hurts. Lane gets caught in the
wrong corner and double-teamed again. Pillman controls the Express with
armdrags, and the Express keep running back to the caged Cornette for
advice. See, psychology — the Express are without their manager, and
are disoriented. The champs continue to relentlessly double-team the
Express, and the Express can’t get anything going, as Eaton accidentally
backdrops Lane over the top rope when they try the standard “knee to the
back” move in an attempt to catch Zenk in the corner. Finally, Pillman
misses a charge after a wrestling sequence and Pillman tumbles to the
floor. Eaton gives him a neckbreaker on the floor, and Lane pushes him
off the apron into the steel railing as he gets in the ring. I love
that bump. Lane is infinitely smooth, slingshotting back into the ring
and hitting a clothesline on the way up off the mat. More double-team
creamy goodness so delicious you feel like you just had a bowl of New
England Clam Chowder from Boston Pizza, as the Express batters Pillman
as only they can. Eaton hits a Randy Savage elbow for two. The Express
is getting some serious face heat. You know why? Because they’re
FEELING IT TONIGHT, BAYBEE! Pillman even juices after a Roaring Elbow
from Lane. Eaton nails the Alabama Jam but wastes 0.5 seconds
staggering around and that allows Pillman to kick out. Pillman reverses
a tilt-a-whirl and gets the hot tag. Zenk gets his lame sleeper on Lane
but gets legswept and Rocket Launched, and it gets two for the Express.
Zenk with a bodyblock for two, and Pillman comes in protest the count.
So Lane hits an enzuigiri on Zenk and Eaton casually cradles Zenk for
the pin and the US tag titles. ****1/4
– In the back…Robocop is here! Shame on Gordon Solie for taking part
– Sting, injured but still enough of a draw to advertise on PPV, comes
out with Robocop. But wait, it’s the Horsemen, and they’re locking
Sting in the little cage that Cornette was in! Who can save Sting?
ROBOCOP~! He pulls the door off the hinges and rescues Sting. The
Horsemen run away. This little gem earned a place of honor on Netcop
Busts, as if you couldn’t tell.
– Tony brings out Junkfood Dog, which sets up the Flair-JYD match at the
next Clash, a match which might possibly be one of the worst ever.
Cornette comes out to badmouth, but doesn’t get anywhere.
– Corporal punishment match: The Rock N Roll Express v. The Freebirds.
Everyone gets a leather strap to use how they want. Major stalling from
Hayes as he gets into an intense argument with the fans at ringside.
The RnR did not yet suck at this point. Garvin gets double-teamed in
the corner pretty quick. The Express grab straps and whip the Birds out
of the ring. The Rock N Roll do some heelish no-tag switching, pissing
off Michael Hayes to no end. We get the inevitable double-figure-four
spot. It’s just not the same with teams other than the Horsemen. See,
the beauty of that spot is the irony involved in putting the move on
guys who are normally associated with it. Hayes and Gibson have a
Mexican standoff with the straps, and of course Hayes loses. Birds take
control on Gibson, who manages to tag in Ricky Morton, and of course
Morton gets NAILED by Hayes, because, you know, he’s Ricky Morton and
his job is to get beat up. The Freebirds’ job is SUCK ASS and they
excel at it here, resting so lazily that they could join the Teamster’s
Union tomorrow. Gibson gets the hot tag, but gets DDT’d in short order.
Hayes goes for another, and Morton sunset flips in for the pin. Nice
ending, dull match. **1/4
– Tony brings in “The World’s Strongest Man”, Doug Furnas. Man, that
title gets tossed around a lot. He’s too boring so we bring out Sting,
with words for Flair. He’s wearing black and white face-paint…what
could that mean? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!
– NWA World tag team title: The Steiner Brothers v. Doom. Jim Ross is
practically squirming in his seat in anticipation of reeling off the
football backgrounds. Doom, meet Credibility. Credibility, Doom. I’ll
let you two get acquainted. Teddy Long debuts the DOO RAG OF DOOM that
would stay on his head until his recent jump to the WWF. Scott is
beginning his journey to Superstar Billy Graham territory, looking more
pumped up than usual. He trades power stuff with Doom as they go
through the feeling out process. Rick tags in and throws a bunch of
clotheslines. It’s hard to believe that the Steiners had only been a
team for less than a year at this point, given that they appeared
unbeatable. Simmons puts his head down and takes a nasty, f*cked up
piledriver from Rick (what a surprise), as Rick falls forward instead of
backwards. What the hell was he thinking there? Scott with a
shoulderbreaker on Reed to establish a body part to punish. Reed,
however, comes back with a WICKED AWESOME high knee (Ed Leslie, take
notes) to take control for Doom. Doom pounds on Scott with some
surprisingly energetic stuff. Believe it or not, Doom is FEELING IT! I
didn’t know they had it in them. Of course, Scott Steiner (pre-1994) is
GOD, so if anyone can make them look good, it’s him. Suddenly, he hits
the Frankensteiner out of nowhere and makes the hot tag to Rick.
Steinerline and powerslam gets two. Double suplex gets two. Pier six
erupts and Doom hits a Doomsday Device-type thing for two. Rick puts
Reed on the top rope and goes for a belly-to-belly, but Simmons nails
him from behind and pushes Reed off the top, onto Rick, for the pin and
the incredibly shocking upset for the World tag team titles! Sure, this
is no big deal 9 years later when Doom is actually a big name in tag
team wrestling, but at the time this was “Holy shit” type booking. And
can you believe Reed and Simmons carried the match? Wow. ***3/4
– Tony interviews the champs.
– Main Event, NWA World title, cage match: Ric Flair v. Lex Luger. The
referee checks Woman’s gloves before the match…and actually finds
something! Man, I’ve never seen the ref actually find something on the
pre-match frisk. Luger gets a two count off a clothesline right away.
Flair tries to run and gets suplexed back in. Luger gets the gorilla
press, twice. Flair comes back with chops, which are no-sold. Luger
with a hiptoss and clothesline, then he no-sells more chops. Flair
tries to climb the cage, which is silly because the top is turned
inwards. He comes down and chops Luger, and this time Luger sells. He
rams Luger to the cage, then more chops. Flair goes to the knee in the
ring, and of course Luger is wrestling with an injured knee to begin
with. Flair with the kneedrop and delayed suplex, but Luger no-sells
and clotheslines Flair. 10 punch count, then a cross-corner whip that
leads to a Flair Flip. Luger clotheslines him coming off the top
turnbuckle and they brawl outside. Flair tries to run away again. They
fight on the cage and Flair gets rammed to the steel a few times.
Facefirst to the post, and Flair blades. I find that amazing because
Flair has no tape on his wrists or fingers, and yet he goes into the
blading crouch and comes up bloody, so he found a razor blade somewhere.
Back in the ring for the 10 punch count again, and then a clothesline
for two. Flair rolls out and climbs the cage again, and Flair gets
rammed into it again. Flair is doing a four-alarm bladejob here. Back
in the ring, where Luger no-sells chops and a flying forearm. Lex with
the superplex, but Luger blows out his knee on the landing. Uh oh, Lex,
don’t hold your knee when Ric Flair is around…too late. Ric The Evil
Bastard surfaces, as he punishes the knee in every way possible.
Figure-four. With the help of the ropes, of course. The Horsemen make
their way down to ringside. Luger makes the superman comeback with
three clotheslines. Another clothesline gets two. Gorilla press. Stig
runs down to take out the Horsemen, and El Gigante joins him.
Meanwhile, Lex is choking out Flair. Suddenly, the cage starts moving
up, and Barry Windham slides in. Luger gets the Rack, and Windham
breaks it up for the lame, lame DQ. The Horsemen lower the cage again
and do a beatdown of a lifetime on Luger. Still, Flair could carry a
broomstick to **** at this point, so ****1/2
The Bottom Line:
Hey, can’t really lose with this tape. If you want to see Mick Foley
jobbing to Bastion Booger and Undertaker making Johnny Ace his bitch,
then by all means track down the full PPV version, but for sane people
the home video version is super terrifico.