The SmarK Retro Repost – Capital Combat ’90


The Netcop Retro Rant for Capital Combat 1990

– This was a one-shot show from 1990 in the place that Slamboree would

be today. It’s the Robocop show, but I’m working my way through a

bottle of Bacardi rum, so I think I’m prepared. This is the WHIP-ASS

Turner Home Video edited version, where they cut out 90 minutes of shit

and leave two hours of good matches.

– Live from Washington, DC

– Your hosts are Jim Ross and Bob Caudle.

– Opening match, hair v. hair: Paul Ellering v. Teddy Long. Now this

always struck me as a pointless match, given that both guys are already

bald or near-bald. Missy Hyatt is the guest ring announcer, and that

just gets the night off to a terrific start. Strictly comedy as Long is

wearing boxing gloves and headgear. Match lasts all of a minute, as

Long loads up the boxing glove, but Ellering steals it and plasters him

for the pin. A professional hairstylist cuts off what hair Long has

left. We’ll be generous and go DUD

– Tony interviews Ole Anderson the Bookerman, along with Horsemen

members AA, Flair and Sid Vicious (who is wearing a tuxedo that looks as

though it was specifically designed to show that people as big as Sid

should not be wearing that particular tuxedo, and has a look on his face

as if to say that he is aware of the design specs and doesn’t give a

shit). Flair wishes he could deliver heel interviews this good today.

Sid does what he does best — stand in the background and look imposing.

– US tag team title match: Brian Pillman & Tom Zenk v. The Midnight

Express. Jim Cornette is locked in a steel cage at ringside. For those

keeping score, everyone in the match is FUCKING GREAT at this point. A

brawl erupts and Cornette casually attempts to not be in the cage, but

the champs lock in him there themselves. Ross: “Cornette was a mixed

doubles champion in college…of course, his partner was named Jack”.

He also makes fat jokes about Jimbo, to really stress who the heels are.

Pillman and Zenk do the Rock N Roll Express “double team the Midnights

into oblivion” sequence that must have taken hours to choreograph.

Damn, the Midnights were so good that it hurts. Lane gets caught in the

wrong corner and double-teamed again. Pillman controls the Express with

armdrags, and the Express keep running back to the caged Cornette for

advice. See, psychology — the Express are without their manager, and

are disoriented. The champs continue to relentlessly double-team the

Express, and the Express can’t get anything going, as Eaton accidentally

backdrops Lane over the top rope when they try the standard “knee to the

back” move in an attempt to catch Zenk in the corner. Finally, Pillman

misses a charge after a wrestling sequence and Pillman tumbles to the

floor. Eaton gives him a neckbreaker on the floor, and Lane pushes him

off the apron into the steel railing as he gets in the ring. I love

that bump. Lane is infinitely smooth, slingshotting back into the ring

and hitting a clothesline on the way up off the mat. More double-team

creamy goodness so delicious you feel like you just had a bowl of New

England Clam Chowder from Boston Pizza, as the Express batters Pillman

as only they can. Eaton hits a Randy Savage elbow for two. The Express

is getting some serious face heat. You know why? Because they’re

FEELING IT TONIGHT, BAYBEE! Pillman even juices after a Roaring Elbow

from Lane. Eaton nails the Alabama Jam but wastes 0.5 seconds

staggering around and that allows Pillman to kick out. Pillman reverses

a tilt-a-whirl and gets the hot tag. Zenk gets his lame sleeper on Lane

but gets legswept and Rocket Launched, and it gets two for the Express.

Zenk with a bodyblock for two, and Pillman comes in protest the count.

So Lane hits an enzuigiri on Zenk and Eaton casually cradles Zenk for

the pin and the US tag titles. ****1/4

– In the back…Robocop is here! Shame on Gordon Solie for taking part

in this.

– Sting, injured but still enough of a draw to advertise on PPV, comes

out with Robocop. But wait, it’s the Horsemen, and they’re locking

Sting in the little cage that Cornette was in! Who can save Sting?

ROBOCOP~! He pulls the door off the hinges and rescues Sting. The

Horsemen run away. This little gem earned a place of honor on Netcop

Busts, as if you couldn’t tell.

– Tony brings out Junkfood Dog, which sets up the Flair-JYD match at the

next Clash, a match which might possibly be one of the worst ever.

Cornette comes out to badmouth, but doesn’t get anywhere.

– Corporal punishment match: The Rock N Roll Express v. The Freebirds.

Everyone gets a leather strap to use how they want. Major stalling from

Hayes as he gets into an intense argument with the fans at ringside.

The RnR did not yet suck at this point. Garvin gets double-teamed in

the corner pretty quick. The Express grab straps and whip the Birds out

of the ring. The Rock N Roll do some heelish no-tag switching, pissing

off Michael Hayes to no end. We get the inevitable double-figure-four

spot. It’s just not the same with teams other than the Horsemen. See,

the beauty of that spot is the irony involved in putting the move on

guys who are normally associated with it. Hayes and Gibson have a

Mexican standoff with the straps, and of course Hayes loses. Birds take

control on Gibson, who manages to tag in Ricky Morton, and of course

Morton gets NAILED by Hayes, because, you know, he’s Ricky Morton and

his job is to get beat up. The Freebirds’ job is SUCK ASS and they

excel at it here, resting so lazily that they could join the Teamster’s

Union tomorrow. Gibson gets the hot tag, but gets DDT’d in short order.

Hayes goes for another, and Morton sunset flips in for the pin. Nice

ending, dull match. **1/4

– Tony brings in “The World’s Strongest Man”, Doug Furnas. Man, that

title gets tossed around a lot. He’s too boring so we bring out Sting,

with words for Flair. He’s wearing black and white face-paint…what

could that mean? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!

– NWA World tag team title: The Steiner Brothers v. Doom. Jim Ross is

practically squirming in his seat in anticipation of reeling off the

football backgrounds. Doom, meet Credibility. Credibility, Doom. I’ll

let you two get acquainted. Teddy Long debuts the DOO RAG OF DOOM that

would stay on his head until his recent jump to the WWF. Scott is

beginning his journey to Superstar Billy Graham territory, looking more

pumped up than usual. He trades power stuff with Doom as they go

through the feeling out process. Rick tags in and throws a bunch of

clotheslines. It’s hard to believe that the Steiners had only been a

team for less than a year at this point, given that they appeared

unbeatable. Simmons puts his head down and takes a nasty, f*cked up

piledriver from Rick (what a surprise), as Rick falls forward instead of

backwards. What the hell was he thinking there? Scott with a

shoulderbreaker on Reed to establish a body part to punish. Reed,

however, comes back with a WICKED AWESOME high knee (Ed Leslie, take

notes) to take control for Doom. Doom pounds on Scott with some

surprisingly energetic stuff. Believe it or not, Doom is FEELING IT! I

didn’t know they had it in them. Of course, Scott Steiner (pre-1994) is

GOD, so if anyone can make them look good, it’s him. Suddenly, he hits

the Frankensteiner out of nowhere and makes the hot tag to Rick.

Steinerline and powerslam gets two. Double suplex gets two. Pier six

erupts and Doom hits a Doomsday Device-type thing for two. Rick puts

Reed on the top rope and goes for a belly-to-belly, but Simmons nails

him from behind and pushes Reed off the top, onto Rick, for the pin and

the incredibly shocking upset for the World tag team titles! Sure, this

is no big deal 9 years later when Doom is actually a big name in tag

team wrestling, but at the time this was “Holy shit” type booking. And

can you believe Reed and Simmons carried the match? Wow. ***3/4

– Tony interviews the champs.

– Main Event, NWA World title, cage match: Ric Flair v. Lex Luger. The

referee checks Woman’s gloves before the match…and actually finds

something! Man, I’ve never seen the ref actually find something on the

pre-match frisk. Luger gets a two count off a clothesline right away.

Flair tries to run and gets suplexed back in. Luger gets the gorilla

press, twice. Flair comes back with chops, which are no-sold. Luger

with a hiptoss and clothesline, then he no-sells more chops. Flair

tries to climb the cage, which is silly because the top is turned

inwards. He comes down and chops Luger, and this time Luger sells. He

rams Luger to the cage, then more chops. Flair goes to the knee in the

ring, and of course Luger is wrestling with an injured knee to begin

with. Flair with the kneedrop and delayed suplex, but Luger no-sells

and clotheslines Flair. 10 punch count, then a cross-corner whip that

leads to a Flair Flip. Luger clotheslines him coming off the top

turnbuckle and they brawl outside. Flair tries to run away again. They

fight on the cage and Flair gets rammed to the steel a few times.

Facefirst to the post, and Flair blades. I find that amazing because

Flair has no tape on his wrists or fingers, and yet he goes into the

blading crouch and comes up bloody, so he found a razor blade somewhere.

Back in the ring for the 10 punch count again, and then a clothesline

for two. Flair rolls out and climbs the cage again, and Flair gets

rammed into it again. Flair is doing a four-alarm bladejob here. Back

in the ring, where Luger no-sells chops and a flying forearm. Lex with

the superplex, but Luger blows out his knee on the landing. Uh oh, Lex,

don’t hold your knee when Ric Flair is around…too late. Ric The Evil

Bastard surfaces, as he punishes the knee in every way possible.

Figure-four. With the help of the ropes, of course. The Horsemen make

their way down to ringside. Luger makes the superman comeback with

three clotheslines. Another clothesline gets two. Gorilla press. Stig

runs down to take out the Horsemen, and El Gigante joins him.

Meanwhile, Lex is choking out Flair. Suddenly, the cage starts moving

up, and Barry Windham slides in. Luger gets the Rack, and Windham

breaks it up for the lame, lame DQ. The Horsemen lower the cage again

and do a beatdown of a lifetime on Luger. Still, Flair could carry a

broomstick to **** at this point, so ****1/2

The Bottom Line:

Hey, can’t really lose with this tape. If you want to see Mick Foley

jobbing to Bastion Booger and Undertaker making Johnny Ace his bitch,

then by all means track down the full PPV version, but for sane people

the home video version is super terrifico.

Very recommended.