A Wrestling News Report 07.11.02

Welcome back. Sit down. Put your feet up. Enjoy wrestling news.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

No, Steve Austin isn’t coming back to the WWE. Those commercials were made years ago, morons.

WWE officials were very impressed with the move that RVD did on RAW. It took place when Stephen Richards approached RVD to slap him five after his segment on RAW. RVD moved his hand away at the last second, saying “TOO SLOW!” Everyone was very impressed.

Would you like to be a WWE ref and get booed and beaten up by wrestlers and be taped to post naked in the ring? Well you can be!

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare for the deGRADEd joke, coming up soon!

Raw did a 3.7 this week, up .1 from last week, but it still sucks. This means that being a wrestling fan means you’re a freak again. Oh well.

The Rock may not be involved in another WWE event after Summerslam. He is planning on taking the ball and going to Hollywood to snort cocaine off of a stripper’s nipple. Good luck, Rock.

Goldberg doesn’t want to talk to the WWE because he hates Vince Russo. But Vince Russo is working for the NWA. You know what? Fuck Goldberg. He’s just not interesting enough to build a promotion around.

Goldberg wishes Kevin Nash a healthy recovery, and Kevin Nash wishes Goldberg a “Happy Chanukah.”

Goldberg also wishes Bret Hart a swift recovery from his coma, which was brought on in part to Goldberg’s careless ring work. It’s like the Nazi’s praying the Jews they gassed would get up and start walking again. YOU’RE HITLER, BILL! WORSE THEN HITLER!

The WWE is disappointed with the Rock’s return, because blame has to be placed somewhere, and Gertowitz is too busy reading comic books to be screamed at.

Everyone is so impressed with the X-Division. Want to know what impresses me about the X-Division? NOTHING! IT’S AWFUL, LIKE THE WHOLE COMPANY! I just find myself praying for the NWA’s failure more everyday. You know what? At least I admit it!

Curt Hennig gave an interview where he blamed himself for getting into a fight with Lesnar on a plane, and hoped he could return to the WWE soon. Vince McMahon said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 3 times, and you’re Jeff Jarrett.”

It’s coming. The deGRADEd joke is coming soon. Get ready for it.

Quick announcement. There is no sex in the champagne room. I apologize for the confusion.

Brock Lesnar is said to be a drunken sex fiend who enjoys fat chicks. Shame on you, Mr. Lesnar. Shame, shame.

How about we all decide not to watch wrestling one night, I mean the internet as whole. I’d say we must make up at least 1.0 of the rating. That’ll show Chris JeriBLOW! HAHAHAHA! Score: 1-0, in favor of THE GRUT!

Randy Orton is apparently the guy to go to if you need to get some Heroine backstage.

You ever have something you gotta do, but you run out of information to do it with, so you just start making up new information? Just wondering.

Hercules Hernandez ate Tito, the Midget Killer.

Mabel is coming back to the WWE as their janitor. Good luck, Mabel!

Widro has been hired to eat ass for spare change!

There was a hole in the ground, a perfect black circle of a hole. I don’t know how it got there, I don’t know why it is getting bigger, but I sure as hell put my penis in it. That much I can say for sure.

PREPARE FOR THE DEGRADED JOKE! IT IS COMING!

RVD is not “One of a Kind.” It turns out there are 80 RVD’s in China.

The best movie of the Summer? REIGN OF FIRE! The worst movie of the summer? ERNEST ROTS IN HIS COFFIN!

Is anybody else kind of excited about the Two Towers coming out? Wait, this is a web site. Everyone is excited about the Two Towers coming out. NERDS!

And now, back to real news.

You know why John Cena reminds everyone of Sting? He does the splash. Besides that, John Cena reminds me almost nothing of Sting. Cena does remind me of Prototype from OVW. It’s uncanny.

Widro and Ashish have given the WWE superstars grades for the half year. It would suck for a wrestler to get a D or an F as he’d probably feel deGRADEd. HAHAAHAHAHA!

Jesse Ventura went to the hospital to deal with blood clots. The operation was a success, and Ventura is now the proud father of a 6 pound blood clot.

Vince Russo was hired by the NWA after being hired by the WWE and demoted. Wow! I haven’t even ruined a wrestling company yet, so I’d be able to get a job like THAT!

Kevin Nash injured himself in his first match back, and will now be unable to wrestle for another 6 months. While Nash is in a lot of pain, he has sworn that he will be back on his feet and having sex with Eric Bischoff’s wife tomorrow.

The backstage reaction was varied to Kevin Nash’s injury. Bubba Ray Dudley got drunk as quickly as possible. Booker T called X-Pac a Sucka, then immediately apologized and extended his thoughts and prayers to the Clique. Shawn Michaels prayed with Sting. Crash Holly screamed and ran out of the building. RVD didn’t really notice as he was intoxicated somehow. Brock Lesnar held Nash’s hand all the way to the ambulance. Oh my God. This is not funny, and it’s not going anywhere. Let’s cut our losses.

Chris Jericho has yet to respond to Josh Nason’s column. More on this story as it develops.

The biggest story of this week was the firing of Lance Storm. I’ve made my stance on the beating of women very clear, and Lance continuously bitch slapping Linda McMahon is unacceptable. Still, I think he may have been able to retain his job if he had not urinated on her while singing the Canadian National Anthem. Christian was fired for cheering on Lance while this happened. Test was there too, but he has IMMUNITY, BABY!

Shawn Michaels may return to the ring in light of Kevin Nash’s injury. If he does, it will be in a match with Chris Jericho and it will suck, as everything that Chris Jericho does is awful.

Smackdown preview time!

Hulk and Edge defend their titles against the Rainbow Express. There are no winners.

Undertaker verbally picks apart John Cena twice. Jericho bitches out the Undertapper. (Great line, Chris. First thing you did in 5 years that was mildly good.) Torrie and Molly talk, yeah, I know. The Rock, Edge and Hogan talk. The Rock and Angle talk. Busta Rhymes talks, surprisingly. Really, I wouldn’t have seen that one coming. Nidia, Jamie Noble and Tajiri talk. The Rock talks some more with the new interviewer, cause the Rock hates interviewers for some reason. What a jerk the Rock is. That’s all the talking.

Torrie fights Molly in what Scott Keith is calling the best match ever, dud, bonzo gonzo.

Randy Orton has a new tag team partner to fight D-Von and Batista, but Mark Henry is no match for the awesome strength of GOD!

Test fights Rikishi. Kidman and Hurrican fight Tajiri and Noble. Cena and the Undertaker fight Angle and Jericho. That’s all.

READ THESE COLUMNS, YOU SHEEP !

David Murphy loves John Cena. WHY DON’T YOU MARRY HIM?

Steven Schwenke wrote something I didn’t read yet called Devotion. His stuff is usually good.

Ken Anderson is back with a new thing called “The Year in Wrestling, 1990.” At times a little Keithish, in fact I think Keith wrote something exactly like it, but Anderson is one of the best at the site. Check it out.

Josh Nason writes a response to Chris Jericho, and I join him at the bottom.

Claire Flynn Boyle – American Angels – Baptism of Blood. Check it out. Now. This girl is more awesome then french toast.

Jesse Baker does a history of Transformer Figures in the figure section. Check it out if you love Transformers or Jesse Baker.

Who the hell is Jacob Ziegler? Why the hell is he doing a Raw report? Whatever, I don’t care. You should read it to check out the new blood.

And just for kicks, let’s give a plug to Eric Szulczewski, who always does his column in a fine, upstanding manner.

Oh, and the grades for the wrestlers get a plug also.

So do the 411 T-Shirts. One of them is really, really funny. I won’t make a red cent off of this, but buy it anyway.

Now for some non-wrestling stuff.

THE RICK HATES ME.

You know my “Me and Whoever” thing, where I have conversations with other writers online? Well, I tried to do one with Rick Scaia and he completely ignored me. Anyway, he’s bashed my site, he’s bashed my friends online, and now he won’t even have a conversation with me in which I would try to show him as a human being. It’s kind of insulting, and if he’s reading this I’d like to invite him to have a conversation online. This isn’t a challenge or anything, but it simply some common respect if he does respond. If not, well, CRZ is always good for a decent conversation, even if he is involved in self fellatio.

I QUIT!

Want to quit your job, or you know you’re being fired and kind of have to? Just don’t go in to your bosses office and put you resignation on his desk for Godsakes! Here are some helpful props to make quitting your job an enjoyable experience.

Break away glass. When you leave your place of business for the last time, do you want your co-workers to remember you walking out the door, your head held high? No way! Letting out a scream, running in a circle and jumping through your newly installed break away glass window will make you a company legend.

Beer. Or hard liquor or wine, whatever your preference. You should be drinking in moderation, as you don’t want to jump out of your break away window without making sure that you won’t die. The real point here is to get as many people in the office as drunk as possible by noon. Start with the mail room kid and work your way up to the boss’ secretary. Just don’t try to get the boss drunk.

Condoms. This one is pretty simple. Just distribute them to everyone during lunch.

Well, you’re ready to quit! Good luck getting that letter of reference.

My close friend and one time lover Josh Nason (NEVER date a guy with the same first name as you, it gets really confusing) wrote an article this week in which he showed up that son of a bitch Chris Jericho! Now, while I didn’t really read Nason’s article and I’m only vaguely familiar with who Chris Jericho is, I think the gist of it is that Jericho challenged the internet to write 7 good things about the WWE. Well, I’ll do him 1 better, literally!

THE EIGHT GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE WWE

My close friend and one time lover Josh Nason (NEVER date a guy with the same first name as you, it gets really confusing) wrote an article this week in which he showed up that son of a bitch Chris Jericho! Now, while I didn’t really read Nason’s article and I’m only vaguely familiar with who Chris Jericho is, I think the gist of it is that Jericho challenged the internet to write 7 good things about the WWE. Well, I’ll do him 1 better, literally!

  1. DISTRACTION FROM MY CRAPPY LIFE – Man, my life is such crap right now. Sometimes I just wish God would take me so I can end this facade, end the bad jokes and the sleepless nights. It’s become almost a tradition for me at 11 pm on a Saturday night to sit on the porch with a gun in my mouth, just waiting for the strength to pull the trigger. But then I think about pro-wrestling, and I realize that Velocity is on or whatever they call it now. Now, I never watch Velocity, but knowing it is on does me good. I guess that the point is that knowing that I have to watch wrestling to write this report kind of keeps me alive. For now.

  2. THE RISE AND FALL OF CHRIS JERICHO – Seeing Chris Jericho almost make it to headlining main event status, only to be crushed by bad booking and the always crappy Stephanie McMahon, made me feel good about myself. You see, I am jealous of Chris Jericho, as I know that I will never be the WWE champion or a wrestler at all. Jericho has been able to accomplish so much in the ring as well as the world of 80’s rock cover bands, and I LOATHE HIM for it! I look forward to seeing him in dark matches with Crash Holly soon enough. Those laughs you hear in the background will be mine, Jericho. Mine!

  3. HULK HOGAN COMING OUT TO HIS OLD MUSIC – YEAH! This is what I’m talking about! Now, I enjoy Jimmy Eat World, but Voodoo Child just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I needed confirmation that Hogan was still a REAL American, not a Voodoo priest like Papa Shango. I got that confirmation when Hogan came out to his old music on July 4, as it brought back memories of when he beat the Iron Sheik at Wrestlemania I to first win the WWE Championship! Now, I didn’t see Smackdown as I was at a party in New Hyde Park, or Wrestlemania I, but it was a step in the right direction. Kudos, Captain America Hulk Hogan. And Kudos on passing the American torch to Edge.

  4. THOSE FAGS, WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? – You know, the gay guys. They have that blonde hair and wear gay outfits and do gay things. What are their names again? Oh yeah, Jeff Hardy and Brock Lesnar. Those fags rule! Really, I think that if Brock Lesnar would stop snorting cock for 3 minutes, he would be a decent wrestler. Even snorting all of that Hardy cock, Brock is still only slightly worse then average. I can’t wait to see these guys either fight or have public sex!

  5. INJURIES – Getting sick of Maven? BOOM! Guy’s out for a few months! Feel like Triple H isn’t having matches up to his old standards any more? BAZAM! A little time on the shelf will let us get acquainted with a man know as John ” OB” Cena. Sick of Bret Hart having the use of the left side of his body? Pedal Pedal Pedal whoops BLAM! Call him the best there was, the best there ever will be and SIDESHOW GIMP! I’ve always and always will enjoy the injuries that take place in the ring on a bike, and I’d like them to continue! Come on, we all enjoy seeing a car blowing up during a Nascar race or during the drive to work. Go accidental injury! You rock!

  6. NIDIA AND JAMIE NOBLE AND LANCE STORM AND ALDO MONTOYA – You know what Heaven must be like? It must be a huge stadium filled with every dead person and animal, and they just sit in silence as the above four stand in the middle of the stadium and discuss stuff. Look, I don’t expect everyone who reads this to understand why, but I do.

  7. HULK HOGAN’S FEATHERED BOAS – Okay, you want me to make one request, one thing that could make the WWE just a little better? Show the fans what happens to the boas during the match! This could be on Confidential or maybe a segment on Inside Edition. I mean, I don’t see the boas at ringside during a match. Maybe the WWE hired someone to pick up the boas and put them somewhere safe. If that’s the case, I think Vince is missing out on a major chance to make some money. Maybe the could leave the boas at ringside and keep cutting to reaction shots from the two boas. I like the boas. I want more.

  8. PUPPIES! PUPPIES! PUPPIES! – That’s right, I love breasts! And from Trish Stratus to Molly Holly to Rikishi to Ric Flair to Torrie Wilson to, um, screw this. Just screw it! I can watch porn for tits! Every hot looking lady with tatties I’d like to tickle on my screen during a WWE program is waste of wrestling time! I don’t jerk off during Smackdown! Hmmmm. Maybe yeah. YEAH!

You wanted 8 things, you got 8 things. I hate everything else about professional wrestling. Have a good day! Enjoy the other news people.