– Live from Chatanooga, Tennessee
– Your hosts are Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone, something you don’t see
everyday.
– Before we get started, Eric Bischoff is working as a parking valet
outside, and welcomes various people to Havoc. When he gets to Barry
Windham, Arn Anderson and Larry Zbyszko rush into the scene and slam the
door on Windham’s hand, breaking it. This is how Larry got the
“Cruncher” nickname.
– Opening match: Chamber of Horrors. Big Van Vader, Diamond Studd,
Abdullah the Butcher and Cactus Jack v. Sting, Rick Steiner, Scott
Steiner and El Gigante. Here’s the concept: Eight guys in a big cage,
and the only way to win the match is to…wait for it…put your
opponent in an electric chair and pull the lever. This match made Netcop
Busts without a second thought, in case there was a doubt. Besides the
obvious faults, this match suffers from several other faults. For
instance, the lack of a flow or storyline. Also, the camera work is
awful, constantly pulling back for a wide shot when there’s no way to
see through the huge cage. The crowd is dead because there’s just no way
to follow what’s going on. It’s a big brawl for about 10 minutes, with
Sting, Cactus and Abdullah all bleeding. Abby gets put into the chair
and after a contrived sequence, Cactus Jack pulls the switch and Abby is
“electrocuted” to give the faces the win. I can’t even rate this, it was
too weird. Jack and Sting took some nice bumps, the rest is hit-or-miss.
– The Creatures v. Big Josh & PN News. The Creatures are Joey Maggs and
someone else under masks. And this is a squash. Yo baby, yo baby, yo,
this also made Netcop Busts. News gets the pin with the Big Fat-Assed
Splash. DUD
– Bobby Eaton v. Terrence Taylor. This was the continuation of the
Worldwide series between the York Foundation and Eaton/Zenk. Very old
school stuff, as Taylor plays the cowardly heel and they take it to the
mat early and often. Hot spot as Eaton slams Taylor on the rampway and
does a splash off the top. Eaton continues the bumps as he does the Bret
Hart bump off the apron into the railing. Looked good. York has switched
to an actual notebook computer here, it should be noted. You know the
difference between the commentary then and today? When Eaton is out of
the ring, Ross notes that he has a 10-count to make it in, and if Taylor
distracts the referee then the count is broken. It’s just the nuances
that improve the commentary for new viewers. Eaton takes another wicked
bump as Taylor delivers a Doctorbomb on the rampway. Eaton takes a
hellacious shitkicking, coming back with a couple of close falls of his
own that get the crowd going. I’m still not sure it was a great idea to
turn Eaton heel at this point, given his popularity. Taylor misses the
pump splash, allowing Eaton to make the super-redneck comeback and hit
the RIGHT HAND OF DOOM! Neckbreaker, Alabama Jam, it’s over. Great
match. **** Eaton was a very underappreciated talent.
– Johnny B. Badd v. Jimmy Garvin. Restructured rant feature (political
correctness and all…): The Johnny B. Badd “Lenny-O-Meter”, measuring
how much of a flaming queer Badd looks like. 10 would be his first
appearance at Superbrawl, 1 would be the final appearance in 1996 before
he was fired. This is at 9, with the Chippendales outfit, Badd Blaster,
and more frills than you can shake a stick at. The Freebirds suck up to
the fans by wearing Atlanta Braves jacket and encouraging the war-cry.
Badd takes a good bump right off by getting hiptossed out of the ring,
over the top rope. I might have to deduct a LoM point for taking it like
a man. The match goes downhill with nothing much going on until Badd
misses an elbow off the top rope and Garvin goes back on offense. Badd
takes a wussy bump over the top rope, negating that point I took off
earlier. Double noggin knocker leads to the double knockout spot. Garvin
hits a vicious DDT, but the referee is distracted with Teddy Long. Badd
hits the TOOTY FRUITY PUNCH OF DEATH! and gets the pin. *
– TV Title match: Stunning Steve Austin v. Dustin Rhodes. Yes, back when
Austin had hair and a hot valet. Two years later, they would battle for
the US title. 7 years later, and Austin would throw Rhodes into “Crapper
3:16″ and go on to win the World title. Life is weird. This is your
typical 1991 Worldwide TV title defense, most of which ended in 10
minute draws. The camera pans into the crowd, showing the world Dusty
Rhodes’ mother for the first time I can remember. I’m scarred for life
now, I swear. They compensate by showing Lady Blossom’s breasts a lot.
Picture Debra MacMichael with even bigger assets, if you’ve never seen
Jeannie before. We go about five minutes before Dustin slices the
requisite artery on the forehead and bleeds all over the place. Dull
action as they build to the time-limit finish. Dustin gets the
near-falls with two minutes left. Austin does a sympathy bladejob.
Dustin with the 10 PUNCHES OF DOOM, the BIONIC ELBOW OF DEATH, and goes
to the top for a bulldog with 3 seconds left, which doesn’t leave enough
time to count a pin. Austin retains. **
– Bill Kazmaier v. Oz. Shoulderblock, shoulderblock, shoulderblock.
Kazmaier wins with a torture rack. -*
– Van Hammer v. Doug Somers. Remember when Hammer was getting pushed?
Squash-a-roo. Van Hammer hasn’t gotten much better since then. Hammer
wins in about a minute with a slingshot suplex. DUD
– WCW Lightheavyweight title: Richard Morton v. Brian Pillman. This
would be the tournament final for the original lightheavy title. Morton
is not cut out for this type of match. Notable Japanese dignitary at
ringside: Wally “Choppy-choppy-your-pee-pee” Yamaguchi. Long boring
match which Pillman wins with a bodypress off the top rope. The most
notable thing about this match was the “refer-eye” camera, mounted on
Nick Patrick’s head. *
– The WCW Halloween Phantom v. Tom Zenk. If you don’t know who the
Phantom is, I won’t spoil it yet. The Phantom makes short work of Zenk,
finishing it with a reverse neckbreaker. The angle would progress later
in the show, so I won’t bother to rate this.
– WCW World tag team title match: Arn Anderson & Larry Zbyszko v. Todd
Champion & Firebreaker Chip. The Patriots were the US tag team champions
at this point. A very dull match and I want to get to the next segment
anyway, so we’ll fast forward to Arn hitting Chip with the spinebuster
to retain the titles. *1/2
– Eric Bischoff brings out recently fired WCW commentator Paul E.
Dangerously. He was dumped for being too controversial, but found a
loophole because he still had his manager’s licence. And if there’s one
thing you don’t want, it’s a pissed off Paul E. And so after more than a
year of being a wimpy announcer, Paul E. brings out the WCW Halloween
Phantom and swears his revenge on the federation that fired him,
beginning with Sting, the franchise of WCW. Is this is a great storyline
or what? To top it off, the Phantom unmasks to reveal…Ravishing Rick
Rude. Big pop for that. The Dangerous Alliance would go on to terrorize
WCW before the angle wrapped up at WrestleWar 92 and they
self-destructed.
– WCW World title match, 2/3 falls: Lex Luger v. Ron Simmons. Luger has
Harley Race with him, while Simmons has Dusty Rhodes. I don’t know who
to pity. Exciting headlock spot to start, Simmons takes control with
several shoulderblocks, and hits a spinebuster for the first fall about
5 minutes in. Rhodes offers some inspirational words during the rest
period. Simmons goes right back to the attack, getting a few two counts.
Luger is either badly injured or playing someone who is, because he
ain’t doing shit. The announcers talk about the Braves, thus reminding
us of the colossal blunder involved in scheduling this show against the
World Series. Luger takes advantage of a Simmons blunder to slowly go on
the offense. Powerslam for two. Luger must have blown up early in the
match because he’s sucking wind so noticeably that Ross points it out. A
very long chinlock results as Luger tries to recouperate. Simmons comes
back with the SHOULDERBLOCKS OF DEATH as the managers fight (I’m
surprised one of them didn’t blade) and Luger charges but gets dumped
over the top rope, thus earning Simmons a DQ and giving Luger the second
fall. Simmons controls the third, doing the Angry Negro (tm Christopher
Priest) House O’ Fire right off the bat and getting a two count off a
clothesline. Superplex for two. Sloppy powerslam. But Simmons misses a
charge and goes into the ringpost, and one piledriver later it’s over.
Thank god. * Luger retains, in what was his only successful title
defense on PPV.
The Bottom Line: The Dangerous Alliance angle started here, but that’s
available on highlight packages the shows following. The Taylor-Eaton
match was great, but they did lots of great matches on Worldwide. The
rest is pretty worthless.
Not really recommended.
