Ah, it’s one of those sultry summer days when pretty much nothing is going on. I think, for the sake of Scott Keith’s sanity, that I’ll refrain from mentioning Dusty Rhodes possibly being back as a booker. However, it must be laced with a caveat saying that he actually got Steve Corino really over in ECW, but that certainly doesn’t balance out the sins of the past very well.
Let’s just move on to the meat.
THE PIMP SECTION
Ashish has a preview of Jericho’s band’s new album. Hey, I may not care about the music, but I care about my slot here, and that’s enough for the plug.
The things in this world I don’t know, Letawsky does. And for those of you who keep asking why I hate Flex, go to one of Letawsky’s old columns here, where I answered it for everyone.
Memo to Daniels: Glad you had a great time with that paragraph. I wasn’t exactly one hundred percent satisfied with “Tae Yank Pud”, but it did the job.
THE FALL GUY
No, this one isn’t about Brian Gewirtz, or even Lee Majors. It’s about the Dubbaya Junta choosing its patsy for the various accounting methods that big corporations are using, and he’s playing the role of clueless schmuck to perfection. It’s Harvey Pitt, chairman of the SEC, and he’s making himself into such a complete ass that he’s going to be taking a lot of the heat off of Dubbaya and Mad Dog Cheney. However, the sight of Republicans going after another Republican for being “too close to the industry” is, at the very least, so amusing and hypocritical that I’m going to be highly entertained for as long as this saga plays out.* Saying that Mad Dog won’t get a free pass for possible fiscal malfesance at Halliburton definitely means he will be getting a free pass, though. Bet on it.
Love this quote from CNN: Asked whether the SEC should make public its file on Bush’s 1990 sale of Harken Energy Corp. stock two months before the company restated its earnings and its stock tanked, Pitt called the issue “ancient history.” The SEC investigated the matter, which took place while Bush was a director of the company, and took no action. “Absolutely nothing was wrong” with the transaction, Pitt said. Gee, who was president at the time the investigation took place? Any wonder why the SEC took no action? For more on the First Bush Junta’s SEC in action in regards to the Bush children, Google the phrase “Silverado Savings and Loan”.
* – Obviously, the Republicans are not alone in this “too close to industry” phenomenon. I’ve described the late Ron Brown as being “covered in Don Tyson’s pocket lint” while being Secretary of Agriculture under Clinton, and it’s things Brown put in motion during his stint that caused me to enter private industry, because he ended up neutering meat inspection and making it not fun anymore. If he wasn’t in that plane crash, he’d be in jail right now. And being influenced by Don Tyson extended all the way to the top. It’s no secret that Senator Clinton’s famous cattle trades were a blind to channel bribes from Tyson to her hubby, the governor of the state the company’s HQ is in. So stop bitching that I don’t go after Demos, okay?
WHAT SPORTS SCENE?
Jeff Sluman comes back from the nearly-deceased to win the GMO, NASCAR invades the Chicago area, the Tour de France hasn’t entered the mountains yet (which is where Lance makes everyone his bitch), and the Open Championship still hasn’t started. Booooring.
And speaking of booooring, let’s move to Raw, which tries to recover from its disaster of last week…
THE SHORT FORM
You want the gory details, head over to Keith or PK. You want something cute and funny, stay tuned here, because we’ll be getting to You’re A Moron after Raw. And, remember, PK will be at Smackdown tonight, so he’ll post as soon as he gets home from there, which’ll probably be before I get up, so he gets to scoop me, the bastard.
Match Results:
Our Lord and Savior Chris Benoit, Eddy Guerrero, and Billy Brass Knucks over Jeff Hardy, Spike Dudley, and Buh Buh Ray Dudley, Six-Man Elimination Tag Match (Guerrero pins Spike, inside cradle; Buh Buh Ray disqualified, Greco-Roman Belt Shot; Hardy pins Regal, Swanton; Guerrero disqualified, interference; Hardy submits to Benoit, Crossface): This was one of the rare times lately that I had outright FUN watching a match on Raw. Fast-paced, chaotic, violent…hell, even the methodical Regal went along with the fast pacing. I didn’t even mind the commercial break that much. Very well-executed to say the least. Talk about a great comeback right out of the gate.
Tommy Dreamer over Stevie Richards, Kendo Stick Match (Pinfall, cane shot to head): Six-man elimination tag followed by a Kendo Stick Match? I thought Heyman was writing Smackdown. Hell, this first hour’s been like a weird acid flashback to ECW On TNN in the ring and Nitro on peyote outside of it. All I have to do is figure out what drugs the writing staff are on.
Molly Holly over Trish Stratus, Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, reversed Stratusfaction): Adequate for a time-filler, but they both have the technical chops to go an extended period. Give them ten or fifteen with each other (no Triple Threat rules or some crap) on PPV and see if it flies…you know, I still can’t believe that I’m using the term “technical chops” in conjunction with Trish Stratus.
Booker T over The Big Show (DQ, Unnecessary Abuse Of Nick Patrick): The outro to the NWO and the intro to yet another TBS push. Huzzah.
Bradshaw over Chris Harvard and Johnny the Bull, Hardcore Title Matches (Pinfall, Johnny pins Bradshaw, 2×4, New Hardcore Champion; Pinfall, Bradshaw pins Johnny, Clothesline From Hell, New Hardcore Champion): Get Harvard over as a weasel, check. Get Bradshaw over as a tough-ass, check. Intro Johnny the Fragile Bull, check. Mission accomplished, no harm, no foul.
The Undertweener and Brock Lesnar over Ric Flair and Rob Van Dam (Pinfall, UT pins Van Dam, Last Ride): Look, f*ck the match. It finally hit me while watching this, the explanation for everything. The reason why the shows have sucked wind so bad the past year plus and all that. It’s not Steph, it’s not Gewirtz, it’s not any reason I’ve said or that anyone’s really talked about. Follow my logic:
WWE does not stand for World Wrestling Entertainment. It stands for WWF/WCW/ECW, taking the first letters of each. It’s an amalgamation, and all amalgamations, especially those with differing viewpoints on the same business, have protracted growing pains, especially if the companies themselves don’t recognize it. With this match and with the appearance of Bischoff, WWE finally has recognized themselves for what they are. Look at the participants:
Ric Flair: the man who embodied NWA/WCW
Rob Van Dam: the exemplar of ECW
The Undertaker: the thread of continuity over the past decade plus of the WWF
Brock Lesnar: the first star produced by the amalgamation known as WWE
This was recognition of the fact that the parts of the amalgamation make up the whole, each with a unique history, each with things they’ve all brought to the table. Assimilation into the WWF philosophy obviously did not work. They’ve finally realized that the best approach to take is to combine the best aspects of all three organizations under the umbrella, something they didn’t recognize due to Vince’s egomaniacal self-love-fest in finally winning the war once and for all. Once the afterglow wore off and Vince could see the self-inflicted damage that attitude had wrought, he realized what I just explained. That was the purpose of this match. Recognize the past, introduce the future, solidify the present.
It’s Brock Lesnar who represents this amalgamation better than anyone else. He has the fantastic wrestling talent that WCW had on tap during its best times. He has the propensity for outright violence and barely-controlled chaos of ECW. He has the charisma and potential audience drawing power that the WWF always looked for. He’s not the Next Big Thing, he’s the future of the organization.
If I’m right, and I’m hoping I am, this excites me more than anything since the moment Shane showed up on Nitro.
Angle Developments:
The Bisch Is Back…no, I used that on The Day The World Changed…how about General Mangler?: The sight of Vince and Bisch hugging at the top of the ramp was as big a mind-f*ck as seeing Shane on Nitro, I have to admit that. However…a year too late, period. I was clamoring for Bisch to get involved with the Invasion until the moment that it was irredeemably dead. Can you imagine the impact his presence would have had if he’d walked out during the Shane/Vince match at Wrestlemania 17? This was a damp squib compared to that. However, the show’s been so dead lately that maybe he can pump some life into it. Some nice shoot-angle involved, though, along with a little revisionist history. I would have loved to see him mention the fact that Vince made some of the biggest stars in wrestling out of his discards (Austin, Foley, Trip). Again, too little, too late, but an A for effort, WWE.
Well, Hell, Shane’s Back Too: I’m eliminating Shane from the SD GM candidates list due to the skit between him and Vince; Vince would not appoint Shane to the job due to the hostility. However, the attempted “talent raids” might just be a good plot device to put him in there…no, they’ll have too good of a thing going with a Shane/Bisch on-camera war on Raw. I hope they realize that. So put Shane on Raw full-time. Give him a good rationale to be there, like being Van Dam’s counter to Heyman or something, and have him feud with Bisch. That would at least make Keith’s “rehashed commish angle” thing worth a little something.
Just A Reflection: If in 1998, you said that Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff, and Paul Heyman would be on the same Monday night television show, you’d be condemned as a fantasy booking geek. Today, you’d be a WWE employee. And I want a picture of the three of them together, just to prove to me this is really happening. You know, I’d love for someone to be able to prove any conspiracy theory involving the three of them, that they planned this as far back as seven years ago. It’d be the greatest con job in history.
Just A Second Reflection: In Neverwinter Nights, F5 is my hot key for Turn Undead. If Undertweener comes out with the title at Vengeance, karma dictates Brock Lesnar, World Champion at Summerslam.
Just A Third Reflection: Anyone think that Bischoff’s new pudgy physique makes him look like a cross between William Shatner and a child molester?
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
There’s only one big story out there right now, and everyone’s talking about it: who’s going to be the general manager of Smackdown? First, let me say this: WWE has won this one simply due to the fact that everyone is talking about it, and in a relatively positive way (be cynical about the recycled commissioner angle if you will; I’m cynical, but until tonight, this is alive with possibility, and that’s always exciting). We’re not bitching about a sucky Raw on Tuesday for once. We’re wondering “What’s going to happen next?”. Bravo to WWE for that. It’s the small victories that make up a winning campaign.
Now, who will it be? We’ve heard Shane, Steph, FatDust, and a bunch of other people. Here’s my candidate: Paul Heyman. Remember the amalgamation discussion above? You already have the former head of WCW in place as one of the general managers. The head of ECW being the other would be another symbolic move to show that WWE has recognized the faults in its approach and is turning a new corner. Heyman’s already writing Smackdown, so this move gets him involved physically.
It also makes sense from a storyline standpoint. There was one person who suffered from Bischoff’s talent raids more than Vince, and that’s Heyman. For example, ECW was almost eviscerated by Bisch’s first big raid in 1995, which brought Jericho, Guerrero, Misterio, Malenko, and, let us not forget, Our Lord and Savior to WCW. The raids continued while Bischoff was in charge on a near-continuous basis. As soon as someone got over in ECW, Bischoff flashed Turner’s open checkbook, and away they went, or tried to. The ECW talent’s loyalty to Heyman was the only thing that could stop them leaving. Since it’s already established that Bisch is going after SD talent, it’d be smart for Vince to put the one person who has proven that he has the ability to resist the Bischoff “charm” in charge in order to keep the brands separate.
The big drawback which everyone is going to cite is Lesnar. Lesnar can stand on his own two feet now that he’s been cutting more of his own promos. Heyman can always pull double duty until Lesnar completes the face turn, which might happen as soon as Sunday (and will happen if Heyman is named GM). Then, hopefully, Bisch can go up to Lesnar and say, straight out, “Look what I did for Goldberg”. I’d mark out if that happened.
So I’m going to go with Heyman. Well, we’ll all see about that tonight.
Now for a little fun.
YOU’RE A MORON: WHAT’S THE WORD? THUNDERBIRD!
Yep, it’s Jason Gallo again! That man provides so much wonderful material for this column that I should give him a cut of what the Bosses are paying me here, except that I don’t want to waste a stamp on sending him a check for $0.00. Let’s look at what he has to say this time:
Alright this is the last email I will write you.
The sound from champagne corks popping all over the IWC is deafening.
So listen up. I live in Connuecit
I’m having a hard time finding that in my Rand-McNally Road Atlas, for some reason.
and I am currently enrolled in the police academy.
Presumably one of your classmates is Steve Guttenberg.
If you do not believe me look it up.
Hmmm, Google can’t find any police academies in Connuecit, for some reason.
I own a shotgun and a 45 caliber handgun.
Hopefully licensed, like my .357 Magnum is, or else you’re in big trouble, buster.
But you see pretty soon I will have the law on my side.
I can imagine that conversation from a judge: “Well, Mister Gallo, it’s pretty clear that you committed murder in the first degree, but you’re a cop, so we’ll let you off.”
You make threats you can’t back up.
What threats? “Come after me and I’ll defend myself with the weapons skills I picked up in the Army”? What do you expect me to say, oogums? “Come after me and I’ll lay down and cry like a bitch”?
I can shoot you in the face at point blank range and just say it was justifiable homicide. Case closed.
Let’s parse this out, shall we? I know for a fact that I won’t come after you, since it’s a complete waste of money, effort, and time. That means you’ll come after me and shoot me in the face at point-blank range. Sounds to me like premeditation, which means murder in the first degree. You are sooooo lucky Illinois has a moratorium on the death penalty. However, you’ll still be spending life plus in a federal pen, and my faceless spirit will be laughing every time your cellmate gets a little frisky.
If you feel froggy, jump.
If I was feeling Froggy, the Our Gang Combined Court System could put me away for child molestation.
The ball is in your court know.
A lot of people are complaining I haven’t gone after you on the spelling errors, but I think that’s just a cheap shot, and I’d prefer to go after you on context. However, this error was too good not to isolate.
Just remember I have alot more friends in my gang then you do.
Bets? Care to check out this selection of mail I received about you?:
…I read your comment’s in the “Your a Moron: The Whines of Jason Gallo.” I noticed a few things. 1) you were too nice in your comments. I was hoping that you would “trash” him more… – Clint Brower
…I would be worried if I were you, because the two fantasyland Jackie Chans seem to be rounding up a posse (and boy could I make a pun about that word) and dropping defiant statements about hammer clicks and other things they heard while playing CounterStrike…I for one am greatly anticipating the next episode in my favorite internet show, “When Schoolkids Use Hotmail.” – Parhum Toofanian
Anyone who sends blithering hate e-mail that frequently obviously:
1. Has no life
2. Badly wants attention
Two words for those two guys: SPELL CHECK. – Jobez Ferguson
(and memo to Mister Ferguson: being from the South Side, I am genetically incapable of becoming a Cubs fans.)
It seems to me that so people just don’t understand the way the constitution works. After all, we are all (supposedly) given the right to free speech. Hence you write for 411 and they write back with their complaints. But it seems to me that if one is not really ready to intelligently argue a case and has nothing better to do than throw out obscenities, answering them back in anything other than an unreasonable fashion is ridicules at best. I mean, if they don’t like your column that much, why do they continue to read it, just to continue whining about it? They work for the Torch or something? – Madman Ike
The fact that this moron is even alive befuddles me…number 1, no self-respecting alleged 2nd degree black belt would challenge someone to a fight…why? BECAUSE THAT IS THE FIRST RULE THEY TEACH YOU…DON’T USE IT UNLESS YOU NEED TO DEFEND YOURSELF…AND DO NOT DISHONOR YOURSELF OR YOUR TEACHING! The fact that he even said that proves that he is a complete fool. And number 2…LEARN HOW TO SPELL AND USE GRAMMAR CORRECTLY! Maybe then Mr. Szulczewski will accept your comments as at least worthy of the energy he uses to read it.
I’d like to see Mr. Szulczewski beat the snot out of you, so please, send him a ticket and then he can send me the video of him whoopin’ all up on your ass. – Ed Antoine
You know, I always find it hilarious when people call you a goddamn piece of shit and such. Can’t these guys understand it’s just an internet wrestling column? If they wanted to, they could find some crappy wrestling site and apply to do a column there, then gripe about how Kevin Nash killed WCW for the 25th time, and how they’d have done things differently. – Lucas Swanger
I can think of an excellent profession for Jason Gallo: WWE Scriptwriter. He seems like just the person to work with Gerwitz. – AnubisTB
It just never ceases to amaze me that people can try to act so big and tough yet sound so stupid at the same time, i.e Jason, Kotex, and Gary Hafferty, who I would say are three prominent member of YAM. Unlike people who complain and say they go to 411 for wrestling and not your other topics in columns, I go to 411 for your columns and wrestling content. If there is something in one of your columns I don’t want to read about, such as World cup soccer or golf, I’ll just scroll past it, and go to the next item. What I won’t do is send your profanity-laced verbal insults because I don’t like the topic. And to those people who are so infuriated by you and your column, they should learn not to click on the link then. Read another column, go to another website, GO OUTSIDE AND GET A LIFE! Maybe some remedial education as well. – Ryan Eckhart
I just wanted to point out how scary it is that people get so pissed off at you when you tell us your opinions in YOUR column. I mean holy crap, it’s a wresting column, sort of, either read it or don’t read it. – Chris Brown
Thank God you finally mentioned that whole “f*cken” thing! it was really starting to get to me. If you’re going to take the time to send someone a vicious email you should at least know how to spell FUCKING. Sheesh. – Lethrdonut1
I get a kick out of reading your views on wrestling (even though it has been horrible as of late) and the pure stupidity of some people. Continue to rag on them as much as possible. People this ignorant deserve to be insulted. – Peter Puente
…what are these rednecks thinking? They keep talking about kicking your ass or whatever. It all sounds a little pathetic to me. If you don’t like something you should stop reading it, not send moronic emails about how you are going to get your boys to help you kick someones ass (I wouldn’t write that in a million years). Number 1 it makes you sound as unintelligent as a rock….Number 2 it makes you sound like a total wuss having to get your friends to do the job for you…So to all those genetically predisposed for stupidity I have one recommendation……GET A LIFE AND AN EDUCATION!! Take this column for what it is…..ENTERTAINMENT!! If you don’t like it….don’t read it. – Chad Boone, an intelligent Canadian
…What the hell is his major malfunction? Is he just a 13-year old with a HUGE inferiority complex? And doesn’t he realize that if he DID want to try anything against you….telling you in an EMAIL might not be the smartest thing…evidence, and all…Plus, he “and his boys” are coming for you…Spineless f*cking (f*cken – HA) tubeworm… – LaSpeq, an intelligent AOLuser
What kind of a pathetic loser a) would take the time to email an internet wrestling columnist and threaten him with physical harm, b) start a petition to have the aforementioned columnist sacked, c) not have learned the difference between “write” and “right,” and their proper usage in the English language? – Jack Callous
I would like to say to Jason, or Gary, or whoever they really are – do they think they look tough by threatening people? How do they know that Eric isn’t twice the size of them, has guns in the house, or is a black belt himself? Only a person with a very low IQ would say things like “I’ll pay for the plane ticket for you to come down here.” Yeah, that’s what most people would do, take time from their busy lives, take off of work, to come down and fight a reader who is pissed off because his stupidity has been posted for everyone to see. Either stop reading, or stop writing stupid things to the website! – MDS11880
If these people hate you and your column so much, why do they keep reading? – Scott Korner
Oh, such a good question, Scott. However, the last word should belong to my fascist bud John King…
Boy they’re cute when they are young huh? Then they grow up and turn into Jason Gallo..you know in my old days a remark like that would set me off in a well-timed homicidal rage..but I’ve mellowed in my golden years of the 30’s..I actually feel sorry for young Mr. Gallo you know..It’s oblivious that he is lashing out for any scrap of attention to compensate for being denied the warm, nurturing teat of his mother, who probably is tired of breast-feeding a middle-aged man anymore.
So our Mr. Gallo must sit at his typewriter, furiously typing anything that randomly pops into his head as he seems to have both the attention span, and vocabulary, of a nine-year old autistic child. So instead of anger and rage, we must take pity on Master Gallo as he vainly searches for someone who actually will listen to him without asking for his credit card number and charging him $2.99 for the first minute, and $1.99 a minute afterwards.
As for the 10 whole people, most of whom exist to make sure my Value Meal is suppressed and my new Monte Carlo gets that all-important second coat of wax, I’m sure that Maximum Procouncel Gallo was able to rally them to his cause. Of course the way he did that probably consisted of two phrases; “Reacharound” and “Happy Ending”. But rally them he shall. I’m sure Ashish has the Magic 8-Ball out deciding your fate with a “Best of 99”
But I am very disappointed that Mr. Gallo has decided that you and I am so joined at the hip that we think alike and have no original thoughts. From the tone and veracity it seems that young lad Gallo does not play well with others, probably as a result of going through school with a Partridge Family lunchbox, sweaty palms and vivid memories of being stripped naked in gym class as 30 others crowded around to make fun of his genitals.
As for being a bitch boy, that seems to be a contradiction in terms, as “bitch” is a female term, usually associated with a canine. Of course “boy” is self-explanatory, except in terms of being an insult to both Hispanics (Chico and the Man = Boy and the Man) and blacks. So scholar Gallo needs to make sure he has some agreement in his terms, to avoid any confusion in the future.
One last note for the legendary Jason Gallo. Back in the day I would have jammed my fist down your throat, slapped your kidneys around a bit, and then played handball with your liver. But since I came back from the Far East last year (that’s Japan and China, the country not the plate) I have discovered meditation and yoga, which mixes well with four nights of powerlifting. So before you pull my punk card and dare me to step up and back my words, remember the words of a famous philosopher Nietzche “When you stare into the abyss, sometimes the abyss stares back at you.” I’m sure you will get to that after you finish your latest run of Richie Rich comic books.
As for stepping up to the plate. I will not only step up to the plate with a dickless wonder like you. I will rip the f*cking plate out of the ground, beat your white-trash ass to a pulp with said plate, and then make you hold it, along with my wallet and keys, while I sodomize your wife-mother-girlfriend-aunt-niece-cousin (or whatever combination of those make up the spitoon I will use them for). So be careful what you wish for chunky-trunks, or you might just get a foot coming your way. Have a nice day Jason.
So there it is, Jason. You’re regarded as a complete and utter asshole by a multitude of people. Please, break your promise and write again. It’s fun humiliating you.
SOME NON-JASON-GALLO-RELATED MAIL
Smitty, who’s gone after me numerous times for daring to be a liberal in public, has actually found some common ground with me, namely meat processing (he’s been cutting meat for 25+ years now and said he didn’t know most of the stuff I talked about last Wednesday). He’s included a marinade recipe which should help some of you who deal with tough cuts of beef:
I can give you a good hint on tenderizing the tougher cuts. First if you have a flank steak or one of the more stubborn cuts, submerge it in Coca Cola for 24 hours before cooking. Also I have a recipe for a Coke marinade that I make to my taste, but I will give you the base and you can spice from there.
Medium size batch: 2 cans coke.
1/2 cup virgin (or slut, bwahahahaha) olive oil.
small palm (A little more than pinch) cracked peppercorns.
medium palm fresh diced garlic.
Dash Oregano.
Dash Parsley.
Dash Cumin.
Juice of one lemon.
Juice of one lime.
That’s your base; you can go from there for personal taste. The suggested time for marinating is 8 hours, I go at least 24 hours, sometimes more.
It’s the phosphoric acid in Coke that does the tenderizing, in the main. Most carbonated drinks have phosphoric acid, but there’s something about Coke that makes it the best for tenderizing. The marinade sounds really good, too.
Philly native Steve Murray writes in to defend the honor of the Phillies being the all-time worst team in baseball, and cites stats to prove it. Well, Steve, numbers don’t lie, but I hate the f*cking Cubs, so they’re the worst, period.
And that’s it for this masochistic session. Stay tuned tomorrow when we have more of the same, and hopefully some actual wrestling news to go along with it. Until then, enjoy.
About Eric Szulczewski
