The SmarK RAW Rant for May 21, 2001
– So Judgment Day was last night and stuff, and after the show the big question was who would win the battle of stubbornness between King Vince and Uncle Paul. The battleground awaits
– Live from San Jose, CA
– Your hosts are JR & Bookerman
– No opening, as Stone Cold hits the ring right away. No one can stop him, he’s the best, and no rematch for Undertaker, thus making him a babyface again in my eyes. He notes that his name is Stone Cold Steve Austin about 8 times until even I want to punch him. And by the way, NO ONE CAN STOP HIM except Y2J, apparently, who interrupts with a well-timed “Shut the hell upÃ¢â‚¬Â. I guess Heyman won. Jericho thinks Austin is a bigger slut than Stephanie for selling out to Vince, triggering a chant for Austin of the same name. Jericho lays out the Challenge Heard Round The Internet for tonight for the tag belts, a big brawl ensues, and Benoit cleans house. We’ve got us a main event, kids.
– Meanwhile, Vince rallies the troops and points out how annoying Austin’s new catchphrase is.
– Meanwhile, Angle arrives and shows off his medals to whoever is dumb enough to be within earshot.
– Hardcore title match: Rhyno v. Big Slow. Brawl on the floor, Slow knocks him down and suplexes him on the ramp. He charges back to ringside and hits the post, and Rhyno makes use of some plunder. Into the ring, Rhyno keeps pounding on the injured shoulder and punching away. ALGORE! ALGORE! ALGORE hits a chair. Slow kicks a garbage can at him, chokeslam on it finishes and Big Slow regains the title. Yeehaw. Why job Rhyno, unless maybe he’s being prepped for the next step up? I guess maybe that’s why. Ã‚Â¼*
– Meanwhile, Angle annoys an old person.
– Meanwhile, Terri visits the APA and accidentally spills beer all over her breasts, causing Faarooq to quip “Quick, get the lady some colder beer!Ã¢â‚¬Â. Ah, but it’s all a CUNNING PLAN by the Radicalz, as they attack the APA. WHEN MIDCARDERS ATTACK! On the next FOX special
– Meanwhile, Spike & Molly Share a Hallmark Moment.
– The APA v. The Radicalz. Faarooq dominates Dean to start and a neckbreaker gets two. Bradshaw suplex gets two. Dean comes off the 2nd rope with a bodypress for two, and the Radz beat down Bradshaw in the corner. Saturn spazzes out on Bradshaw, but walks into a fallaway slam. Hot tag Faarooq, slam gets two on Saturn. Dominator is escaped and Saturn gets a belly-to-belly, and more double-teaming follows. Faarooq powerslams Dean, hot tag Bradshaw. He kills Saturn in vicious fashion, but Terri jumps on the apron and flashes everyone. Faarooq no-sells the HEADLIGHTS OF DEATH, spinebusters Saturn, and a pair of ugly powerbombs finishes him. Odd finish as Saturn got KILLED. Ã‚Â½*
– Meanwhile, Steve Austin searches for Debra. William Regal suspects foul play from the Undertaker. Good theory, William.
– Meanwhile, Angle tries to recruit Edge & Christian to help with his Olympic reenactment, but they pass. Well, geez, they’re Canadian anyway.
– European title match: Matt Hardy v. X-Pac. X-Pac gets an armdrag and works a headlock, but Matt gets the lariat for two and goes to his own headlock. Matt ducks a kick and clotheslines him, but Justin trips him up and X-Pac dumps Matt. Back in, X-Pac gets two. Hit the chinlock, beeyotch. He gets two. Kick combo sets up the broncobuster. Matt catches a foot and they slug it out. X-Factor is reversed to a catapult, and Matt rams him 10 times to the turnbuckle. You just don’t see enough of that Ã¢â‚¬â€œ crowds LOVE to count along with stuff, and the turnbuckle bit is a classic that never wears thin. Yodelling legdrop gets two. Twist of Fate is countered with a backslide for two. Matt hits the floor, brawl results. Jeff gets the crap kicked out of him, but when Lita takes her lumps Eddy hits the ring for REVENGA! Twist of Fate for X-Pac results, see ya. Great TV match. **3/4
– Meanwhile, Saturn has been knocked goofy. Er, goofier.
– Kurt Angle comes out for his Olympic Reenactment. He even has a scroll to commemorate the occasion, as he educates the San Jose crowd on the meaning of “heroÃ¢â‚¬Â. He should educate them on how to spell it, given some of the signs in the crowd recently. He stands on the podium and basks in a confetti shower and Paul Heyman gushes praise. Funny stuff. Shane-o-Mac interrupts, however, calls Angle names and generally reminds everyone about WCW. Angle slams him and puts him in the anklelock. I have no idea what the point of Shane coming out was in storyline terms, but I sure as hell know where it’s going in the long run
– Meanwhile, Austin finds Debra, coffee in hand. UT pops in and gets all in his face, and after he leaves Austin blames his lack of action on Debra’s presence, because he didn’t want her mixed up in it. See, he’s not only the WWF champ, he’s a gentleman.
– Meanwhile, security escorts Shane out.
– The Dudley Boyz v. The Hollys. Big brawl to start. Buh Buh hits a tilt a whirl slam on Crash, and D-Von legdrops him. Hollys work on D-Von in the corner, but he gets an elbow. Spike & Molly flirt at ringside in their own weird way, distracting everyone. Crash clotheslines D-Von for two. Bob gets the DROPKICK OF DOOM for two. Vertical suplex gets two. They exchange chops, and Crash gets a DDT for two. D-Von comes back with a curtain call, hot tag Buh Buh. He cleans house as the ref says “2 minutesÃ¢â‚¬Â quite clearly into the ring mike. Good one, Teddy. Dudley Device on Crash, Whazzup for Bob. Molly asks for clemency on the whole table issue, throwing D-Von’s groove off, and Spike doesn’t help matters any by pleading the same. Molly prevents the bell from being used, but Bob’s all “YoinkÃ¢â‚¬Â, nails Buh Buh, and the Hollys get the win. Good stuff, this show is on a roll. **
– Meanwhile, Vince apologizes to Kurt on behalf of his son, and rewards the beating with an I-C title match against Kane. Kurt: “Thank you I think?Ã¢â‚¬Â
– Meanwhile, the Dudleyz decide that tables are the only way to settle this Molly problem.
– Eddy Guerrero & Jeff Hardy v. Edge & Christian. This should prove interesting. Eddy gets a dropkick and senton on Edge to start, and Jeff dropkicks Edge out. Christian punks Jeff out, however, and Edge gets a backbreaker for two. Christian powerslams Jeff for two. They pound on Jeff in the corner and Edge hits the chinlock. Jeff escapes with a jawbreaker, hot tag Eddy. Headscissors on Edge, and they double-team Christian. Poetry in Motion, but Edge spears Eddy. E&C pull the Stacker2Plex out of mothballs, but Lita pulls Edge out of the ring, leaving Eddy to powerbomb Christian off the top for the pin. More good stuff, Heyman must have Vince locked in a closet or something. **1/4
– Intercontinental title match: Kane v. Kurt Angle. I still don’t see the point of putting that title on Kane, but whatever. Slugfest is of course won by Kane. He hits a corner clothesline and powerslams Angle. Angle ducks the chokeslam and goes after the arm. Cross armbreaker, Kane powers out and pounds away. Angle grabs another armbar and works the arm with kneedrops. They brawl outside, where Angle meets the stairs. Back in, Angle goes back to the arm and holds a wristlock. Kane powers out and clotheslines him. Sideslam and he goes up for the flying lariat. Chokeslam is blocked, so Kane dumps him and Shane-O-Mac is back to attack, chokeslam, goodbye. Better than last night’s Kane match (on the TV v. PPV sliding scale), although the psychology didn’t particularly go anywhere. *1/2
– WWF tag title match: Steve Austin & HHH v. The Canadian Violence Connection. Does the WWF actually listen for once? Austin hammers Jericho and stomps a mudhole, but gets bodypressed. Canadian Violence and he goes up with an elbow to the head off the top. Austin gets a cheapshot to take over, and HHH comes in and gets double-teamed in the CVC corner. Benoit gets caught in the heel corner, however, and trades chops with Austin. He kneelifts Austin, and hits a snap suplex. Superplex gets two, and the Powertrip work Benoit over. Benoit gets the crossface, but HHH chairshots him to break, for two. Austin is all fists and fury. FU Elbow and choking follows. HHH sends Benoit to the stairs, and back in for a two-count. HHH pounds on him, and gets the facebuster for two. Austin goes low and chokes him out. HHH pounds him in the corner and they do an assisted abdominal stretch. Benoit escapes, but gets caught in a sleeper. He escapes with a german suplex, and it’s a race for the tags. Enzuigiri, and the ref doesn’t see the tag. Austin punks out Benoit on the floor, triggering a brawl. Pedgiree in the ring, no ref. Jericho goes up with a missile dropkick to put HHH down, and it’s a tag race again. HOT TAG JERICHO, crowd explodes. Forearm for Austin, and he dumps HHH. Austin gets the Walls of Jericho, but HHH saves, and the crowd HATES it. HHH preps the announce table, but Jericho reverses a Pedigree into the Walls out there. In the ring, flying headbutt for Austin, no ref. KICK WHAM STUNNER but Jericho pulls out the ref at two. Oh man, this is giving me a heart attack. Bulldog for Austin, Lionsault misses, second one hits. HHH brings the sledgehammer in, in desperation, but hits Austin by “mistakeÃ¢â‚¬Â, and JERICHO PINS AUSTIN! NEW CHAMPIONS! That match completely blew away anything the WWF has done since Wrestlemania, and a few of the matches AT Wrestlemania, too. ****3/4 Here’s hoping for Jericho v. Austin at King of the Ring, now.
The Bottom Line:
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no elevation. Papa says, “If you see it in TheSmarks, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there elevation?
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is elevation.
It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no elevation! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginia4@aol.com’s. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished and every PPV would be headlined by Austin v. Undertaker.
Not believe in elevation! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire indy workers to watch in all the arenas during RAW to catch the elevation, but even if you did not see new workers being promoted, what would that prove? Nobody sees elevation, but that is no sign that there is no elevation. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia4@aol.com, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No elevation? Thank God Heyman books and books forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia4@aol.com, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of smarkdom.
Special note to Seth Mates: Guess I was right, huh?