The SmarK Retro Repost – Bashlash 1999

The Netcop Rant for WWF Backlash.

– As a guide, I’m watching this on tape instead of live, and sober

instead of drunk. I know there are those of you who like to keep track

of these things when reviewing my reviews…

– Live from Providence, Rhode Island.

– Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

– Opening match: The Brood v. The Acolytes & Mideon. Christian and

Mideon have a bizarre staredown to start. Crowd seems less than

enthused by this one. Brood tries to double-team Bradshaw, but he

no-sells. Christian ends up playing Ricky Morton as the match drags on.

Hot ending as the Brood runs through their stuff on Bradshaw, with

Christian getting a two count off a swinging DDT, but the 10 punch count

gets reversed into a NASTY powerbomb for two. Christian and Edge do a

double-team pescade on Faarooq outside the ring, but Viscera waddles

down and squishes Christian, allowing Bradshaw to clothesline his head

off for the pin. Didn’t see all of it due to getting dinner, but it

seemed **-ish.

– Hardcore title: Bob Holly v. Al Snow. Pretty standard hardcore

match, with the in-ring sequence lasting a couple of minutes (and an Al

Snow bladejob) before they fight to the parking lot and hit each other

on trucks and the dumpster. Hey, garbage wrestling. Cute spot as they

fight into the audio truck, and Holly takes a fall onto a waiting car.

Snow finds some conveniently placed frying pans and uses them for a two

count as we head back to the ring. Snow puts Holly on the TABLE OF

DEATH, but gets clocked with a frying pan. Holly superplexes him onto

the table. Nice spot. They lay around for a while, and Snow manages to

grab the Head and whack Holly with it for the pin. Man, that thing must

have a brick molded into it or something. I think I need a new rating

system for garbage matches — the star system doesn’t seem to work well

anymore. At any rate, this was subpar crap (as opposed to the

entertaining variety) so we’ll go **

– Intercontinental title match: The Godfather v. Goldust. Meanie

debuts his Sable-riffing bit on PPV. Godfather comes out alone, drawing

boos. So he brings out five hos and gets the face pop. Boring but not

terrible match, until Goldust does the powder routine from the hosue

show circuit, where he gets powder in the face and delivers the

Shattered Dreams to Meanie. Godfather uses the Ho Train and Pimp Drop

to finish it. Eh. Been there, done that. *

– #1 Contender’s match: The New Age Outlaws v. Jeff Jarrett & Owen

Hart. May I just say about Debra’s outfit: Hominahominahomina. Is she

just saving these “bikini and jacket outfits” for PPV or something?

Jarrett gets major heel heat by covering up Debra. The bad thing about

goig to a house show just before a PPV is that the guys basically just

run through the same match. Crowd gets an enthusiastic “Show Your

Puppies” chant going for Debra. The heels can’t get anything going

until a pier-six situation allows Owen to hit an enzuigiri and get the

advantage on Roaddog. JR posits that the crowd are dog-lovers. Owen

and Jarrett do the old-school “distract the ref and beat on the face”

bit to good heat a few times. Crowd keeps chanting for the puppies.

You know, one of these days Vince HAS to let us see them. Ross to

Lawler: “Do you have a breast fetish?” Gunn gets the hot tag and we do

simultaneous 10 punch counts. RD tries to solicit Debra’s attention,

and then hits a pumphandle slam for two. More brawling, and Owen gets

the Sharpshooter on Jammes, but Gunn hits the Rocker Dropper on Owen

while in the hold and gets the pin. Good ending. ***

– Shane runs down his father, then Vince and Stephanie retort.

– Boiler Room Brawl: Paul Wight v. Mankind. Winner escapes the boiler

room first. I assume this is pre-taped. Mick breaks a few sheets of

drywall over Wight’s head, so Wight stuffs him in a shopping cart and

rams him into some stuff. Some candy glass gets broken and both guys

blade. Mick is absolutely bumping for six here. Mick cracks open a

valve and Wight gets steam in the face. Mick dumps a pile of pipes on

Wight and crawls out the door, leaving a literal trail of blood.

Bossman and Test attack and get chased off by Wight. Can’t really rate

it — it was just brawling. It was okay.

– HHH v. X-Pac. Chyna is wearing the LOD Memorial Bra, complete with

steel studs. HHH has new music, too, generic rock stuff. HHH hammers

on X-Pac in the early going, and dumps him over the top rope in a good

bump from X-Pac. He gets the advantage back in the ring and goes for

the Broncobuster, but Chyna distracts him long enough to miss the move.

The announcers sell a neck injury for X-Pac as HHH wallops him. Man,

HHH hasn’t used the knee yet. And he’s being quite the dick here,

working the neck. You know the biggest tragedy about HHH’s heel turn?

He’s let his hair go to shit. He used to be a lousy wrestler who at

least had good hair, but now he doesn’t even have the hair. Good

psychology here from HHH, as Ross gets so concerned about X-Pac’s

continued well-being that he offers to ring the bell and stop it

himself. That’s why Ross is 10x better than Michael Cole. X-Pac makes

the comeback with the heel kicks and a swinging DDT. Chyna distracts

the ref, but it backfires as it allows X-Pac a low blow. They end up on

the floor and HHH hits the steps. Ref gets bumped on the floor on a

baseball slide. CUE THE OVERBOOKING! X-Pac gets the Carpetmuncher, but

Chyna lowblows him and hits an inverted DDT. Nice one, too. Lights

out, here comes Kane. JR gets to say “hellfire and brimstone”.

Chokeslam for Hunter. Chokeslam for Chyna. JR approves. Kane sets up

Chyna and HHH in a corner each, allowing X-Pac to hit the Broncobuster

on HHH to a big pop, and on Chyna to a bigger one. It’s all for naught,

however, as the second Broncobuster allows HHH to deck him from behind

and hit the Pedigree for the pin. He had to win folks, because he’s

going Main Eventer pretty soon. Best HHH match in a while. ****

– Ken Shamrock v. The Undertaker. I really hate that new mix for the

Undertaker’s music. The one on WWF the Music 3 is the best. And the

new outfit screams “S&M fetishist”. Undertaker controls early, but

Shamrock gets an opening and kicks away to the leg of UT. UT comes

back, but Shamrock gets going to the leg. This is, again, just like the

house show match from last week. This is an interesting attempt to

elevate Ken to the next level, I’ll give the angle that. Crowd loses

patience with this one fast. These guys are just not compatible

workers. Shamrock gets the Fujiwara armbar and the crowd breaks into a

big “boring” chant. Without Bret and Shawn to carry him, it’s becoming

apparent that Undertaker has outlived his usefulness as a wrestler. He

has the unmitigated gall to work in a bow-and-arrow. When has UT EVER

used that move? Nice move as UT legdrops Shamrock and Ken grabs the leg

and rolls into a submission move. UT reverses to a half-crab.

Undertaker: Submission fighter? UT is selling the leg injury well.

Bad looking pin as UT has a clear pin after a big foot but Ken forgets

to lift his shoulder at two. Hebner stops anyway. Ken hits the rana

and anklelock, but UT kicks out quickly. UT tries the tombstone, but

Ken gets the anklelock again. Bradshaw comes down with a baseball bat,

but Ken knocks him off and hooks an armbar. Now Bearer is up on the

apron, which is enough for UT to get a cheap win with the tombstone. UT

got seriously devalued here. ** Bradshaw delivers a Texas ass-whooping

for fun. Crowd has no reaction to any of it.

– WWF World title match: Steve Austin v. The Rock. Shane is of course

the guest ref. On Heat, it was announced that this is No Holds Barred

and if Austin touches Shane, he’s DQ’d and the Rock wins the title.

Quite the face pop for the Rock. We do a couple of minutes of wrestling

and then the brawl starts, as they had to the entranceway. Austin gets

put through the fence set up by the entrance. Austin reciprocates on

the Rock in kind, then drops a metal case on his head for good measure.

Rock get tossed through a pile of railings and Austin clotheslines him

off a pile of cases. See, Herb, Rock is taking bumps. Austin batters

the Rock some more and drags him to the ring. Rock takes a MAN-SIZED

bump, charging Austin but flying over the top. On cue, the Spanish

table gets destroyed by the Rock Bottom. Shane stops Austin from using

a chair, and Rock tosses him over the railing. Rock puts Austin onto

the announce table and steals a camera and does some camerawork,

shooting the crowd. Then, in a spectucular visual, he turns around to

see Austin giving him the double-bird and Stunner on the table. That

was just a magnificent bit. Back in the ring and Austin goes for the

Stunner, but Rock pushes him into Shane. Rock hits Rock Bottom and gets

two (with help from Shane). That didn’t work, so Shane grabs the WWF

title and charges, but hits Rock by mistake. Shane refuses to count and

runs. Except of course, that Vince is here with Earl Hebner and the

Stone Cold belt. Vince wallops Shane with the belt, and Rock hits

Austin with the other belt and gets a two count from Hebner. Austin is

up with the Stunner, and he hits Rock with the title for good measure

and gets the pin. Another great Rock-Austin brawl. **** Vince tosses

the skull belt to Austin and walks off. End of…oh, wait.

– In the back, Stephanie gets kidnapped by Undertaker: Limo Driver for

Hire. That’s not gonna lead to anything good, I can just bet.

– Back to the ring as Austin downs some frosty beverages (sources say

it’s actually Sprite, not beer), end of show.

The Bottom Line: Well, I was expecting nothing coming in, and although

it delivered two **** matches and nothing in the way of total crap, it

didn’t really leave me feeling terribly excited one way or another. So

thumbs in the middle this time out.