A Wrestling News Report 7.25.02

Sorry about last week. My mom was in the hospital and I just didn’t feel up to writing a report. But now I do.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Sting and Goldberg could return to wrestling at a charity show. Sting has said that Christ will lead him to a victory over Goldberg. Goldberg almost said something, but interviews were never his strong suit.

Smackdown begins when Mark Henry faces Kurt Angle. The match ends in a way that will leave everyone very upset, except for you. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Rikishi faced Albert in what CZR is calling ” ”

Hogan and the Rock faced the Canadian Tag Team champions. It’s going to be interesting to see what the WWE does with the titles after the firing of Lance Storm. Maybe they’ll give Test the other belt.

Chavo fought Rey Rey. Is it just me, or wasn’t Rey broken down towards the end of his WCW run? Could we see the return of the Bronco Buster on Smackdown? Only time will tell!

Cena fought Test. God, isn’t it just common sense to have him say, “You will FAIL the Test!” Isn’t it? No, it’s stupid? Which one of us is writing this? Not you!

Edge fought Jericho in a steel cage match. The winner has long, girly blond hair.

In ANGLE development, someone KURTLY decided to leave Smackdown for Raw. But it wasn’t Kurt Angle. What made you think that?

Steve Austin has been working out at home, and is said to be getting antsy not being in the spotlight. He said, “It’s just no fun beating up someone with no one cheering me on.”

WE’RE WATCHING YOU, STEVE! I STILL HAVE MY POSSE! WE’RE READY TO GO!

Many believe Austin could be back in the WWE sooner then later, and bitching about his creative direction even sooner.

Booker T will throw out the first pitch at a Houston Astro’s game, and then will rob the concession stands blind.

Chris Jericho has still not responded to Josh Nason’s column. More on this story as it develops!!!

Lance Storm recently walked out on Vince McMahon during a contract negotiation. Lance Storm wanted more money, and Vince McMahon wanted him out of the building in 5 minutes.

Raven, also known to those in the “know” as known as Scott Levy, has not had anything newsworthy to report on this week. Better luck next week, Scott “Raven” Levy.

The WWE is once again looking for writers. Could Scott Keith be the lucky guy? Not unless he applies, which according to him he never did. IceCold tells a different tale. They’re both good people to me online, and I have no idea who to believe. I guess I’ll just have to believe in me.

Apparently, NWA: TNA was awful tonight. South Park wasn’t at it’s best either. Maybe there’s some kind of connection we haven’t thought about yet. Has anyone conducted a study comparing and contrasting the quality of the two shows? I mean, I think this could be a real story. God knows there aren’t any other real stories out there. I’m going to have to fill out the rest of this thing with fake news and lots Lance Storm jokes, cause what the hell else am I going to do with my life?

Dusty Rhodes has made love to a sheep on more then 3 occasions.

Widro recently killed a man and buried his body in his backyard. While Ashish will be missed, it will not be by many people.

DOG! APE! Sorry, I was flipping through the channels and saw a nature show. Man, that makes me think of something though. I can’t put my finger on it. MAN, what is it that I’m thinking of? Aw, forget it.

Busta Rhymes has decided to become a full time wrestler after singing on Smackdown last week. Bully!

Anybody know the name of the song that Ween sang on Crank Yankers?

Brock Lesnar’s push is not working. He just doesn’t understand why, and neither does his mother who travels with him everywhere he goes. She still breast feeds him. Tazz called it, “What are you talking about? I’m sorry, I can only see most wrestler’s knees unless I turn my head all the way up, and that hurts my neck.”

God has decided to spare Lance Storm eternal torment and allow him in to Heaven. I kid! Seriously, I’m bummed out about Lance Storm’s untimely death at the hands of that handless guy. Having it come right after he was fired must have made it twice as horrible. He’ll be missed by 5 people.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after screaming at Vince McMahon about the proper way to floss.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after making out with Vince McMahon and not calling him the next day.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday for no good reason. So a guy steals 3 million dollars worth of office supplies! So what?

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after writing an impassioned memo/mission statement about how the WWE should try to put on the best show possible for the fans. He was joined by a hot chick and her sickeningly cute kid.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after it was discovered that he was Canadian.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after he stated that his favorite movie was Spice World.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday because Vince McMahon is JEALOUS!

Vince McMahon was fired yesterday when Lance Storm discovered him eating Stephanie’s panties. That was not a typo.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday after months of painful torture at the hands of Shane McMahon.

Lance Storm, after being fired from the WWE, signed a deal with NWA: TNA. Good luck, Lance.

Lance Storm was fired by Jerry Jarrett yesterday after getting drunk and peeing on Scott Hall.

Lance Storm resigned with the WWE at a substantially lower price then his last contract.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday when Vince McMahon drove his car out to an undisclosed location and told him, “Run boy! You’re free!”

Lance Storm was fired yesterday for being too cool for school.

The failure of Brock Lesnar’s push has led to Lance Storm being fired. Blame had to be placed somewhere.

Lance Storm was fired yesterday when he accidentally ate the last donut. He thought there was another box, but there wasn’t. Lance Storm ate the last of the donuts, the bastard!

Lance Storm was fired from his other job at the gas station. Mustafa Zabuma sadly dismissed the professional wrestler, who put on the most pathetic display of begging ever seen.

In a weird bit of news, Widro fired Lance Storm yesterday, although no one knows why.

Just to make his life miserable, go over to stormwrestling.com and go to the comment board. Then send him a comment where YOU fire Lance Storm! If any make it to his response board, they’ll go in the column! Also, try to keep them somewhat clean. No sex with the parents jokes. We want to try to make him laugh here. Also, send them to me, but only if you also send them to Lance. I’ll also post some of the good ones that weren’t picked.

Junk News! HUZZZZZZZAH!

WHAT SEX SOUNDS LIKE FROM A GUY, USUALLY.

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What do you want me to say, baby?

I don’t know, what do you want me to say?

Okay, sexy stuff. You’re so f*cking hot.

You don’t like the cursing? Baby, I’m starting to lose my, you know. Can we just, uh, can we just not say anything?

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Flip over. OW! No, the OW! The other way! Ow!

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Uh.

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Oh God. OH YEAH! UH! UHHHH! YEAH! WHO’S THE MAN? WHO’S THE MAN, BABY! SCREAM MY NAME! SCREAM IT! SCOTT! SCOTT!

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Nothing’s wrong, mom. I’m just doing my hand exercises. GOD! Can I get some privacy?

READ THESE COLUMNS, YOU SHEEP!

David Murphy had some random thoughts.

Ashish reviewed a book.

Vanderhost had another TSO.

Scott Keith reviewed Vengeance, unlike somebody else who had Flea fill in for them so they could do a mop-up.

God, he has his own section now. How much time did he spend watching wrestling that he hated? I mean, wow. That’s a lot of time watching crappy matches.

Sydney Brown, who may or may not be a girl, in fact I don’t think he is, reviewed the best of MSG from the 1980’s. Hey, I love seeing the star system!

Joshua Grutman wrote this column, the one you’re reading right now. Do me a favor and click on the link? It’ll double my hit count.

Well, this wasn’t my best effort this week, but I didn’t have a lot of time or a lot of news to work with. Oh, and there’s no doubt that it was Hogan that went off in the limo with Bischoff. Really, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind.

This has been the really crappy news. Have a good day.