The SmarK Retro Repost – Unforgiven 1999

The Netcop Rant for Unforgiven

– Live from Charlotte, North Carolina

– Opening match: Val Venis v. Steve Blackman. Hey, wow, what a

horrible choice for an opener. I think Val must have gotten hair plugs

or something recently, because his bald spot has completely disappeared.

Maybe he mixed up the Viagra with the Rogaine? Punch and kick match,

with Val getting caught coming into the ring from the apron to give

Blackman control. Blackman methodically works the back. Yawn. Val

comes back with a couple of two counts, Blackman gets one last gasp, and

then Val finishes it with the Money Shot at 6:30. If the idea was to

get the crowd going, it failed. 1/2* Blackman nails Val with the kendo

stick, and paramedics are called in to help by scab ref Steve Lombardi.

Blackman threatens one of the female paramedics, so God of Security Jim

Dotson spears him. Geez, you just knew that guy would get involved one

of these days.

– European title match: Mark Henry v. D-Lo Brown. Mark announces that

he’s got a “brainyeurism or something” after getting slapped by Lillian

Garcia, so they’re won’t be a match. Right. D-Lo attacks and we’re

underway. A quick Rydeen bomb (woof!) by D-Lo gets two, but he misses a

corner charge. Henry goes for his rope-jump thing, but misses and D-Lo

follows him out with a nice top con hilo. Henry gains control and

doesn’t do much, because HE’S JUST TOO FAT and generally useless as pie

(tm Linz). Power stuff keeps D-Lo at bay, but a rana and a flying

forearm cues the comeback. Henry tries the 10-punch count with D-Lo’s

mannerisms, but D-Lo powerbombs him out of the corner (double woof!) and

hits the Lo Down for the pin and the European title at 9:12. Good

booking choice. Now send Henry back to the fat farm because he’s

stinking up the joint right now. *1/2

– Backstage, Chaz gets beat down by other wrestlers for beating his

girlfriend. Meanwhile, the REAL woman-beater, Jeff Jarrett, tells Debra

to mind her own business.

– Intercontinental title: Jeff Jarrett v. Chyna. Big pop for Chyna as

she tries to avenge women everywhere. She dominates early with power

moves and a well-placed low blow. Jarrett posts her (does that work?)

to come back, and she bumps around outside the ring for him. Back in

with a Jarrett cross-body off the top for two. Chyna pulls out a Flair

flip, but gets superplexed. Jarrett is drawing pretty impressive heat

with his gimmick right now. Chyna hits an electric chair, but Jarrett

comes back with a sleeper, which Chyna escapes in babyface manner.

Chyna gets a powerslam and a rana-bomb for two. Jarrett blocks Chyna’s

rana attempt into a powerbomb (see, rana-bomb…I’ll get that one over

yet) and tries a figure-four, but she shoves him to the floor. Back in

the ring and Chyna tries the Pedigree after whupping Jarrett on the

floor, but he reverses into a slingshot, wiping out referee Harvey

(There’s No H In) Wippleman. Jarrett tries for the guitar, but Moolah

and Mae Young come in and try to subdue Jarrett. That’s about as

successful as you’d expect. Debra then follows and smashes the guitar

over Jarrett’s head as he tries the figure-four on Chyna, and Wippleman

recovers to count the pin and give Chyna the I-C title at 11:57. Yeah,

like that’ll stand. And indeed, here’s Head Scab Referee Tom Pritchard

to show the evidence on the video wall, and we have a Dusty Finish at

12:42 with Jarrett getting the DQ win. Cheap, but it was the right

booking, with Chyna getting revenge and Jarrett keeping the title so

that Test can go over clean tomorrow on RAW. I’d bet the farm on that

one, kids. Still, he got a decent match out of Chyna here. **1/2

– The Dudley Boyz v. The Aculytes. Buh Buh’s opening stutter thing is

cute: “D-Von, are they making fun of me?” Crowd: “YES!” Buh Buh

hammers on Faarooq to start, but misses a splash and the Acolytes take

over. Buh Buh gets a senton bomb for two, while Lawler amuses himself

by making jokes about Moolah. Crowd is deeply not into this. D-Von

gets the tag and dominates Bradshaw with some decent stuff, but Faarooq

gets a couple of powerslams. D-Von escapes the Dominator by DDTing out

and the Dudleys hit a double-team neckbreaker (incorrectly called 3D by

JR) for two. D-Von tries a moonsault but gets crotched and suplexed,

but the brawl continues. The Dudleys manage to hit 3D for real, but

Stevie Richards does the inevitable and debuts his Acolyte gimmick,

complete with UPN logo painted on his chest, and Stevie-kicks D-Von for

the Acolyte win at 7:14. Didn’t suck or anything, but it never clicked.


– Women’s title match: Ivory v. Luna. Short and ugly here. Some of

the usual uninspired spots (Including the dreaded XEROX OF DOOM!) and

conveniently placed soft landing areas, but Ivory gets the pin after a

shot with a pipe at 3:38. Tori got involved but didn’t factor into it.

1/2* I was hoping for a LOT more.

– WWF tag team title match: The New Age Outlaws v. Edge and Christian.

Crowd seems inordinately happy to do the catchphrase again. Edge and

Ass do a nice sequence, then the Suicide Blonds double-team Road Dogg.

The NAO Cheat to Win, but the Blonds one-up them and go full heel to

take control as Road Dogg does what he does best, play face in peril.

They work the back, using some GREAT psychology. Edge and Christian are

actually doing a really good job of keeping the crowd into things here,

which is unusual for an NAO match. Road Dogg counters a spinebuster

into a double-DDT and makes the hot tag. Pier-six, but the Hardy Boyz

interfere and take out Christian, then Gunn hits the Fameasser on Edge

and gets the pin to retain at 11:05. Could’ve done without the

screwjob, but Hardyz v. Edge/Christian is all good, and it was a really

good match otherwise. ***1/4

– Kennel from Hell match: Al Snow v. Big Bossman. I’m kinda dreading

this one, but we’ll see what happens. Okay, so you’ve got the big blue

cage around the ring, and over top of that the Hell in a Cell. Between

them, Rottweilers. Yeah. Snow locks Bossman out of the inner cage, and

they fight on the cage with the dogs below. It’s supposed to be

dramatic, but just looks stupid. JR notes that the match has “bowling

shoe tendancies”, making reference to his description of how the main

event could either be a classic or “bowling shoe ugly” in the Ross

Report this week. Al Snow has brought a bag of goodies with him, and he

gets hit with a few of them. Bossman has thought far enough ahead to

pack a pair of wire cutters in his pants, and uses them to cut open a

hole in the ceiling to climb out of. Powder and a stick get involved,

and now Bossman is bleeding. Snow loosens the bottom rope, but nothing

comes of it. Bossman gets some shots with the shovel in, then handcuffs

Snow to the top rope. Bossman tries to climb out over the dogs through

the roof (wow, psychology), but Snow actually snaps the handcuffs (To

quote Bill Cosby: “Yeah. Right.”) to make the save. Snow reaches into

the bag, pulls out Head (oh, lord, not this again), nails Bossman, and

escapes at 11:37. Chalk that one up to experience, and let’s not talk

about it again, shall we? Give ’em * for effort.

– Chris Jericho v. X-Pac. Scamrock is a wuss, so we get a possible

MOTYC instead. Works for me. Quick wrestling sequence to start, then

the chops start. Jericho drops X-Pac on the top rope and chops him in

the corner. X-Pac comes back with his kick combo in the other corner,

but Jericho moves out of the way of the broncobuster and takes over.

X-Factor is countered into the Walls of Jericho, which gets rolled out

of, sending Jericho to the floor, and X-Pac pulls out a springboard

bodyblock to the floor. Ah for the days when Sean was 19 and insane

again. Mr. Hughs runs interference, and Jericho hits a missile dropkick

for two. Jericho with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and slingshot splash

for two. Crowd seems enthralled with something going on in the stands,

so Jericho wisely goes to the chinlock until they get it out of their

system. X-Pac fights out, but Jericho hits the Lionsault for two.

X-Pac misses a move and ends up on the apron, and Jericho contributes

his highspot with a springboard dropkick. Back in and X-Pac with the

leg lariat. Jericho whips X-Pac to the ropes, and on the way by the

other side, X-Pac neatly dropkicks Hughs, then springboards back to take

out Jericho. Niiiiice. Jericho blocks the broncobuster with a low blow

and hits a senton for two. Double-arm backbreaker and to the top, but

X-Pac knocks him down and superplexes him for two. Jericho with the

double-powerbomb for two. Twice. Jericho gets sent to the corner and

hooked in the Tree of Woe, and we get the first ever inverted

broncobuster as a result, with Jericho upside down. But then Mr. Hughs

decks the ref at 13:04 for the bullshit DQ. Road Dogg makes the save.

Dammit, that was the best match the WWF’s done in MONTHS and they ruined

it. Ah well, it was still excellent. ****1/4

– WWF title match: HHH v. Bulldog v. Rock v. Mankind v. Big Show v.

Kane. Bulldog has a better mix for his music, it should be noted. And

Kane has the SWANK road uniform on. Austin does color commentary while

“enforcing”. Rock & Bulldog start. It’s the retarded four-corners

rule, where anyone tags anyone and only two people are legal at one

time. First pin wins. Rock gets some of HHH until Kane tags himself

in. He destroys HHH, but pisses off the Big Slow and gets knocked off

the top. Mick tags in against Kane, and doesn’t get very far, so Big

Show tags in. Kane pulls out the enzuigiri and dropkick and Bulldog

tags in. He tags out quickly, leaving Mick and Big Slow. It quickly

becomes Rock and Bulldog with a well-timed low blow turning the tide for

Bulldog. Mick gets the tag, but won’t fight his buddy so he tags Kane.

Tombstone gets reversed to a legsweep for two. Mick in with a

piledriver for two, as fans chant for Rocky. HHH & Mick brawl on the

floor, and everyone fights down the aisle to join in. HHH gets a nasty

piledriver on the steps from Mick, and Mick & Bulldog end up back in the

ring. Mick stops to allow Rock to get his shots in. Rock does his Big

Slow impression, drawing the big guy in. Meanwhile, the striking refs

are out to jaw at Jim Corderas, the scab. Meanwhile Part II, Big Slow

pounds on Mick for a two count. Rock tags in and takes Slow’s head off

with a clothesline for two. Rock and HHH brawl again. Back in the ring

for Kane & Mick. DDT, but Big Slow tags himself in. Kane with the

tombstone, but the Show is the legal man now. And away with go:

Chokeslam to Mick, but Kane clotheslines Show off the top to block.

Bulldog powerslams Kane, HHH Pedigrees Bulldog, Rock nails HHH, and Mick

finishes the sequence by applying Mr. Socko to Rock! So much for

friendship. Rock reverses to Rock Bottom for two. HHH makes the save.

Big Show headbutts everyone and chokeslams Mick. It’s all over…but

the refs pull Corderas out at two and BEAT HIM DOWN! This is wil d.

Austin decides enough is enough, and goes over to clean house on the

rebelling refs. No wonder they’re on strike. In the ring, Rock DDTs

HHH for two, with Austin reffing now. Rock Bottom and the People’s

Elbow, but Big Show pulls Austin out at two. Bulldog nails Rock with a

chair, Austin nails Bulldog with the same chair, but HHH gets the

Pedigree in the meantime and Ausitn is forced to count it and HHH

regains the WWF title at 20:25. I assume this sets up HHH v. Austin at

No Mercy. HHH gets in Austin’s face, so it’s Stunner and beers all

around. I think we may have our Match of the Year, finally. ****1/2

The Bottom Line: Man, the second half sure saved this sucker from

mediocrity. Just think — two of the matches added on Heat beforehand

(NAO-Blonds and Jericho-X-Pac) turned out to be the show-savers.

Anyway, you had to see the HHH win coming after The HHH Show on

Thursday, but hopefully when Austin squashes him at the next PPV they’ll

give that particular experiment a rest for good.

Anyway, thumbs up here on three great matches.

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