The SmarK Retro Repost – No Mercy 1999

The Netcop Rant for No Mercy, 10-17-99

– Live from Cleveland, OH

– Your hosts are JR & The King

– Opening match: The Godfather v. Mideon. Apparently they had some

sort of altercation on Smackdown to set this up, although damned if I

care about it. This would probably fit into the “get the crap out of

the way first” theory of booking. And what happened to those trendy new

tights Mideon had? Georgio Armani must have sued for copyright

infringement or something. Godfather pounds Mideon in short order, but

gets distracted when Viscera puts the moves on the ho’s. Now THERE’S a

punchline just waiting to happen. Mideon chinlocks the Godfather into

oblivion and tells the fans to shut up a lot. Dramatic irony, I guess.

Ho Train misses and Mideon gets two off a clothesline. Godfather comes

back, but a pump splash hits the knees. Viscera’s interference

backfires and the Ho Train gets the pin at 7:30. That’s 7:30 longer

than I would have given it. DUD

– Women’s title match: Ivory v. The Fabulous Moolah. Please, god, let

it be short. Ivory continues her stellar run of comedy matches here by

blowing almost EVERY SINGLE MOVE she tries, including a plancha so sad

it’s almost funny. How sad was it? I’ve seen Kevin Nash do a better

one, seriously. Moolah can hardly move, but Mae takes about 4 good bumps

off the apron to compensate, and Moolah is still a better wrestler than

Ivory anyway. You know, comedy matches don’t really work unless it’s

intentional, and this is no exception. And speaking of bad comedy,

Moolah rolls Ivory up for the pin at 3:04. Well, there goes another

title. Might as well do a unification match with Gillberg and get it

over with. Crowd was NOT impressed with that decision, showing they at

least have some intelligence. -*** Worst Big Two match of the year,

including Kennel in a Cell.

– The New Age Outlaws v. The Hardcore Hollys. See, now why would the

Hollys screw themselves out of a title match by putting the belts on

Rock N Sock? Brawl to start, at any rate. The NAO double-team Crash,

and Dogg gets the funky-punch and crazy-legs kneedrop. He gets tossed

over the top and plays Ricky Morton. Long delayed suplex from Bob gets

two. The Hollys use my favorite southern heel old school heel tactics to

control, including the rope-assisted chinlock (note to all heels:

Another of the top ten rules of wrestling is “Always put your feet on

the ropes at any opportunity.”) and good old choking and play to the

crowd to keep them in it, a major problem in most Outlaw matches.

Obviously Bob Holly paid close attention to what Jim Cornette taught him

as part of the New Midnights. Either that or Jerry Lawler is booking.

Bob goes to the top but gets superplexed and Mr. Ass gets the hot tag.

Jackhammer, but the ref is distracted, so Bob throws a chair into the

ring. Gunn hits the Fameasser on Crash on the chair, but the ref sees

it and DQ’s the Outlaws at 10:22. That is SO Memphis. **3/4 It’s so

great to see a team actually playing the HEELS and getting the crowd to

boo, instead of being cool or funny or whatever.

– Intercontinental title match: Jeff Jarrett v. Chyna. This is “Good

Housekeeping rules”, plus another special stipulation: Winner must have

ovaries. Various appliances are scattered in the ring like in

Attitude/Warzone. Chyna basically beats the holy hell out of Jeff,

again Memphis style, hitting him with whatever goofy weapons are

scattered around ringside. Okay, seriously, is Jerry Lawler booking

here or what? You generally don’t see people getting hit with salamis

and eggs outside of Tennessee. Chyna misses an elbow and goes through a

table, giving Jarrett a two count. More goofy weapons get involved,

including a hastily-made cake batter (which ends up on Kitty’s head via

Chyna), but JJ gets a low blow and applies the figure- four. Chyna

makes the ropes. Jarrett gets a pair of tongs, but ends up getting them

clamped to his very special place. Jarrett, ever the pro, then sells two

pies to the face and a kitchen sink. It gets two. Jarrett reverses the

Pedigree, bumping the ref. Oh, man, why bother? Everyone knows Chyna

is winning. Jarrett nails her with the belt and gets the pin?!? But

wait — the belt isn’t a household item, sez the ref, so the match

continues. Chyna hits Jarrett with that very common utensil — the

guitar — and gets the pin at 9:57 for the I-C title, thus ruining two

titles in the span of about 15 minutes. Goofy but relatively

inoffensive otherwise. Kitty leaves with Chyna. **

– The British Bulldog v. The Rock. Geez, pretty low on the card for the

People’s Champion. Brawl to start, big shock there. Into the ring

pretty quickly, however, and they exchange some stuff. Chinlockery

erupts. Bulldog messes up taking a Samon drop and it ends up as a

backdrop which gets two for the Rock. Low blow turns the tide, but Rock

gets a DDT for two. Bulldog with the powerslam for two. Try #2 is

countered to the Rock Bottom/People’s Elbow sequence for the pin at

7:18. Standard stuff here. *1/2

– Ladder match: Edge & Christian v. The Hardy Boyz. Ref tosses Gangrel

right off the bat. LET THE SPOTS BEGIN! Christian gets the first try

for the money, and they take turns tossing each other off the ladder.

Christian impales Jeff with the ladder in the corner, then runs up the

ladder and dropkicks him in the face. Nasty. Edge misses the dive to

the corner and hits the ladder. Jeff goes for the money and Christian

hits an inverted DDT off the ladder. Yow! Christian gets suplexed off

that ladder, Matt gets powerbombed off, and Edge gets dropkicked off.

Jeff puts Edge on the ladder and hits the senton bomb. More insanity,

as Jeff goes to the top, leapfrogs the ladder, and legrops Christian.

Big round of applause for that one. Edge finds another ladder (it’s a

tag team match, why not two ladders?) and takes a swing, knocking Jeff

off the other ladder. Matt returns the favor. Edge ducks a ladder

clothesline and Christian cross-bodies the ladder off the top, nailing

both Hardyz in the process. The Blonds baseball slide the ladder into

Matt’s crotch, drawing more standing ovations from the crowd. They put

Jeff between the ladder and slam it on him 10 times, with the crowd

counting along. May I just say all four of these guys are SUICIDAL?

Both ladders get set up, and Jeff and Edge race up. Edge gets the

Downward Spiral on Jeff from the ladder. Matt gives Edge a neckbreaker

from the ladder. Now it’s Christian & Jeff, with a hiptoss to Jeff

being the move in question this time. Then an unbelievably cool spot,

as the Blonds set up the ladders with one folded, sitting on top of the

other which is open. They try the assisted superplex onto that, but

Jeff escapes, then dives onto the folded ladder, sending it into the air

like a see-saw and nailing the Blonds in the face. Amazing. You just

have to see that one to believe it. Another standing ovation for that

one. All the ladders get set up again, and now all four head to the

top, and then all go crashing to the mat in a spectacular trainwreck.

Another ovation for that one. Now Matt & Edge race up the ladder,

triggering a complex domino series that ends up with Jeff standing on

the primary ladder and everyone else on the mat. That allows Jeff to

grab the money at 16:22 for the win. An amazing, brutal, suicidal

instant classic. Note to ECW: If you’re gonna do a spotfest, do a

SPOTFEST. They all get a standing ovation, and after all that I feel

like doing the same. ****1/2

– His Rockyness returns to cut a promo. He wants the WWF champion,

probably at Survivor Series. HHH attacks him with the sledgehammer.

– Val Venis v. Mankind. Val wisely learns the first lesson of heel

heat: Don’t cut a funny opening promo. Val jumps Mick, which is

somewhat stupid considering that Mick is wearing his Cactus Jack shirt

underneath tonight. Mick controls with his usual back in the ring. He

gets Rocko back, but a low blow turns the tide and gets it back for Val.

Brawling outside, where Val suplexes Mick on an opened chair, painfully.

Mick gets the mandible claw, but Val bounces his head off the ringpost

twice to break. Val brings a chair in, and gets a russian legsweep on

it for two. Um, weren’t the Outlaws DQ’d for doing that earlier

tonight? Val works the neck, hitting a corner clothesline – bulldog

combo. Flying elbow hits the neck squarely, with Mick selling like a

pro. Money Shot misses, and Mick gets the double-arm DDT for two. Socko

meets Rocko as both men go for the socks, and it’s mandible claw v.

testicular claw. Mick’s neck is just too hurt, however, and he makes

the mistake of falling back. Val gets the pin at 9:29. Good booking

and psychology equals Val’s best match in the WWF to date. ***1/2 Mick

gets Rocko back for good and chases Val off.

– X-Pac v. Kane v. Faarooq v. Bradshaw. X-Pac takes a seat on the floor

right away and the Acs double-team Kane. X-Pac tags in and wants Kane.

Bad move. Bradshaw tags in and Faarooq follows, and they do their thing

on each other for a bit. They sucker X-Pac into a lariat, however, and

a lengthy can of whoop-ass is opened. If you’re seen one X-Pac/Kane v.

Acolytes match, you’ve seen this segment. X-Pac gets a tornado DDT to

come back, and Kane tags himself in and kills everything moving.

Chokeslam puts Bradshaw out. X-Pac follows with a leg lariat from the

top as Kane is getting up, eliminating him as well. Crowd didn’t like

that one. That leaves Faarooq v. X-Pac. Broncobuster is blocked with a

spinebuster, and he tries a top rope shoulderblock, but X-Pac catches

him in mid-air with an ugly X-Factor for the pin at 10:14. Eh, dull but

decent. **1/4 I was expecting the long- awaited Kane v. X-Pac match

out of this, but I guess that might have excited the fans or something

so it didn’t happen.

– WWF World title match: HHH v. Steve Austin. Vince McMahon makes his

appearance for the night, stealing HHH’s sledgehammer before the match.

Austin then wipes the floor with HHH, beating him with everything not

nailed down over by the entrance. Into the crowd, with the obligatory

crutch given by a fan. Back to the aisle, where Austin actually swings

the boom camera and nails HHH in the face. Now that’s innovative. Down

to ringside, and the ref gets bumped on the floor before the match even

gets to the ring. We finally make into the ring 7 minutes in, with

Austin hitting the stunner. No ref. Ref climbs in, but gets bumped

again and takes the Brian Pillman bump to the barricade outside. HHH

hits the Pedigree, and Hebner comes charging in for a late two-count.

Slugfest, and Austin wins. Thesz press and elbow get two. Now it’s back

on the floor, where HHH does a wussy bladejob. It’s not a real bladejob

unless blond hair turns red. Austin pounds away on the cut and gets a

couple of two counts. Back outside and HHH eats stairs. He grabs the

ringbell in desperation and nails Austin to turn the tide, however. HHH

suplexes Austin on the Spanish table, and you see, I knew he’d do that.

Why? Because he audibly yelled “Are you ready for the suplex on the

Spanish table?” when the camera was on him. Back in the ring, as HHH

works on the knee, audibly calling a couple of spots. Man, get this guy

a ventriloquism course or something. Comeback for Austin, but he puts

his head down and takes a facebuster. HHH grabs a chair, but it doesn’t

come into play yet. Austin gets a superplex for two. They fight over

the chair, and Austin goes MEDIEVAL with it, nearly killing HHH. The

crowd goes BATSHIT, popping like nuts. That was amazing to see. And

here comes Rock, carrying a sledgehammer. He swings at HHH, who of

course ducks (because he’s the Game) and Austin takes it on the knee. A

Pedigree takes Rocky out of the equation, and the knee injury is enough

for HHH to pin Austin at 21:50 and retain the title. In other news,

hell freezes over. Good match. ***1/2 I think that pretty much puts

the “Austin won’t put HHH over” theory to rest.

The Bottom Line: First 40 minutes or so sucked, but the rest of the

show was a great combination of sports entertainment (the Rock and Sock

stuff scattered throughout that I skipped over) and some really good

wrestling, notably from the main, the ladder match and the suprisingly

great Venis-Mankind match. Dump the first little bit and call it an

easy thumbs up.