The Netcop Rant for No Mercy, 10-17-99
– Live from Cleveland, OH
– Your hosts are JR & The King
– Opening match: The Godfather v. Mideon. Apparently they had some
sort of altercation on Smackdown to set this up, although damned if I
care about it. This would probably fit into the “get the crap out of
the way first” theory of booking. And what happened to those trendy new
tights Mideon had? Georgio Armani must have sued for copyright
infringement or something. Godfather pounds Mideon in short order, but
gets distracted when Viscera puts the moves on the ho’s. Now THERE’S a
punchline just waiting to happen. Mideon chinlocks the Godfather into
oblivion and tells the fans to shut up a lot. Dramatic irony, I guess.
Ho Train misses and Mideon gets two off a clothesline. Godfather comes
back, but a pump splash hits the knees. Viscera’s interference
backfires and the Ho Train gets the pin at 7:30. That’s 7:30 longer
than I would have given it. DUD
– Women’s title match: Ivory v. The Fabulous Moolah. Please, god, let
it be short. Ivory continues her stellar run of comedy matches here by
blowing almost EVERY SINGLE MOVE she tries, including a plancha so sad
it’s almost funny. How sad was it? I’ve seen Kevin Nash do a better
one, seriously. Moolah can hardly move, but Mae takes about 4 good bumps
off the apron to compensate, and Moolah is still a better wrestler than
Ivory anyway. You know, comedy matches don’t really work unless it’s
intentional, and this is no exception. And speaking of bad comedy,
Moolah rolls Ivory up for the pin at 3:04. Well, there goes another
title. Might as well do a unification match with Gillberg and get it
over with. Crowd was NOT impressed with that decision, showing they at
least have some intelligence. -*** Worst Big Two match of the year,
including Kennel in a Cell.
– The New Age Outlaws v. The Hardcore Hollys. See, now why would the
Hollys screw themselves out of a title match by putting the belts on
Rock N Sock? Brawl to start, at any rate. The NAO double-team Crash,
and Dogg gets the funky-punch and crazy-legs kneedrop. He gets tossed
over the top and plays Ricky Morton. Long delayed suplex from Bob gets
two. The Hollys use my favorite southern heel old school heel tactics to
control, including the rope-assisted chinlock (note to all heels:
Another of the top ten rules of wrestling is “Always put your feet on
the ropes at any opportunity.”) and good old choking and play to the
crowd to keep them in it, a major problem in most Outlaw matches.
Obviously Bob Holly paid close attention to what Jim Cornette taught him
as part of the New Midnights. Either that or Jerry Lawler is booking.
Bob goes to the top but gets superplexed and Mr. Ass gets the hot tag.
Jackhammer, but the ref is distracted, so Bob throws a chair into the
ring. Gunn hits the Fameasser on Crash on the chair, but the ref sees
it and DQ’s the Outlaws at 10:22. That is SO Memphis. **3/4 It’s so
great to see a team actually playing the HEELS and getting the crowd to
boo, instead of being cool or funny or whatever.
– Intercontinental title match: Jeff Jarrett v. Chyna. This is “Good
Housekeeping rules”, plus another special stipulation: Winner must have
ovaries. Various appliances are scattered in the ring like in
Attitude/Warzone. Chyna basically beats the holy hell out of Jeff,
again Memphis style, hitting him with whatever goofy weapons are
scattered around ringside. Okay, seriously, is Jerry Lawler booking
here or what? You generally don’t see people getting hit with salamis
and eggs outside of Tennessee. Chyna misses an elbow and goes through a
table, giving Jarrett a two count. More goofy weapons get involved,
including a hastily-made cake batter (which ends up on Kitty’s head via
Chyna), but JJ gets a low blow and applies the figure- four. Chyna
makes the ropes. Jarrett gets a pair of tongs, but ends up getting them
clamped to his very special place. Jarrett, ever the pro, then sells two
pies to the face and a kitchen sink. It gets two. Jarrett reverses the
Pedigree, bumping the ref. Oh, man, why bother? Everyone knows Chyna
is winning. Jarrett nails her with the belt and gets the pin?!? But
wait — the belt isn’t a household item, sez the ref, so the match
continues. Chyna hits Jarrett with that very common utensil — the
guitar — and gets the pin at 9:57 for the I-C title, thus ruining two
titles in the span of about 15 minutes. Goofy but relatively
inoffensive otherwise. Kitty leaves with Chyna. **
– The British Bulldog v. The Rock. Geez, pretty low on the card for the
People’s Champion. Brawl to start, big shock there. Into the ring
pretty quickly, however, and they exchange some stuff. Chinlockery
erupts. Bulldog messes up taking a Samon drop and it ends up as a
backdrop which gets two for the Rock. Low blow turns the tide, but Rock
gets a DDT for two. Bulldog with the powerslam for two. Try #2 is
countered to the Rock Bottom/People’s Elbow sequence for the pin at
7:18. Standard stuff here. *1/2
– Ladder match: Edge & Christian v. The Hardy Boyz. Ref tosses Gangrel
right off the bat. LET THE SPOTS BEGIN! Christian gets the first try
for the money, and they take turns tossing each other off the ladder.
Christian impales Jeff with the ladder in the corner, then runs up the
ladder and dropkicks him in the face. Nasty. Edge misses the dive to
the corner and hits the ladder. Jeff goes for the money and Christian
hits an inverted DDT off the ladder. Yow! Christian gets suplexed off
that ladder, Matt gets powerbombed off, and Edge gets dropkicked off.
Jeff puts Edge on the ladder and hits the senton bomb. More insanity,
as Jeff goes to the top, leapfrogs the ladder, and legrops Christian.
Big round of applause for that one. Edge finds another ladder (it’s a
tag team match, why not two ladders?) and takes a swing, knocking Jeff
off the other ladder. Matt returns the favor. Edge ducks a ladder
clothesline and Christian cross-bodies the ladder off the top, nailing
both Hardyz in the process. The Blonds baseball slide the ladder into
Matt’s crotch, drawing more standing ovations from the crowd. They put
Jeff between the ladder and slam it on him 10 times, with the crowd
counting along. May I just say all four of these guys are SUICIDAL?
Both ladders get set up, and Jeff and Edge race up. Edge gets the
Downward Spiral on Jeff from the ladder. Matt gives Edge a neckbreaker
from the ladder. Now it’s Christian & Jeff, with a hiptoss to Jeff
being the move in question this time. Then an unbelievably cool spot,
as the Blonds set up the ladders with one folded, sitting on top of the
other which is open. They try the assisted superplex onto that, but
Jeff escapes, then dives onto the folded ladder, sending it into the air
like a see-saw and nailing the Blonds in the face. Amazing. You just
have to see that one to believe it. Another standing ovation for that
one. All the ladders get set up again, and now all four head to the
top, and then all go crashing to the mat in a spectacular trainwreck.
Another ovation for that one. Now Matt & Edge race up the ladder,
triggering a complex domino series that ends up with Jeff standing on
the primary ladder and everyone else on the mat. That allows Jeff to
grab the money at 16:22 for the win. An amazing, brutal, suicidal
instant classic. Note to ECW: If you’re gonna do a spotfest, do a
SPOTFEST. They all get a standing ovation, and after all that I feel
like doing the same. ****1/2
– His Rockyness returns to cut a promo. He wants the WWF champion,
probably at Survivor Series. HHH attacks him with the sledgehammer.
– Val Venis v. Mankind. Val wisely learns the first lesson of heel
heat: Don’t cut a funny opening promo. Val jumps Mick, which is
somewhat stupid considering that Mick is wearing his Cactus Jack shirt
underneath tonight. Mick controls with his usual back in the ring. He
gets Rocko back, but a low blow turns the tide and gets it back for Val.
Brawling outside, where Val suplexes Mick on an opened chair, painfully.
Mick gets the mandible claw, but Val bounces his head off the ringpost
twice to break. Val brings a chair in, and gets a russian legsweep on
it for two. Um, weren’t the Outlaws DQ’d for doing that earlier
tonight? Val works the neck, hitting a corner clothesline – bulldog
combo. Flying elbow hits the neck squarely, with Mick selling like a
pro. Money Shot misses, and Mick gets the double-arm DDT for two. Socko
meets Rocko as both men go for the socks, and it’s mandible claw v.
testicular claw. Mick’s neck is just too hurt, however, and he makes
the mistake of falling back. Val gets the pin at 9:29. Good booking
and psychology equals Val’s best match in the WWF to date. ***1/2 Mick
gets Rocko back for good and chases Val off.
– X-Pac v. Kane v. Faarooq v. Bradshaw. X-Pac takes a seat on the floor
right away and the Acs double-team Kane. X-Pac tags in and wants Kane.
Bad move. Bradshaw tags in and Faarooq follows, and they do their thing
on each other for a bit. They sucker X-Pac into a lariat, however, and
a lengthy can of whoop-ass is opened. If you’re seen one X-Pac/Kane v.
Acolytes match, you’ve seen this segment. X-Pac gets a tornado DDT to
come back, and Kane tags himself in and kills everything moving.
Chokeslam puts Bradshaw out. X-Pac follows with a leg lariat from the
top as Kane is getting up, eliminating him as well. Crowd didn’t like
that one. That leaves Faarooq v. X-Pac. Broncobuster is blocked with a
spinebuster, and he tries a top rope shoulderblock, but X-Pac catches
him in mid-air with an ugly X-Factor for the pin at 10:14. Eh, dull but
decent. **1/4 I was expecting the long- awaited Kane v. X-Pac match
out of this, but I guess that might have excited the fans or something
so it didn’t happen.
– WWF World title match: HHH v. Steve Austin. Vince McMahon makes his
appearance for the night, stealing HHH’s sledgehammer before the match.
Austin then wipes the floor with HHH, beating him with everything not
nailed down over by the entrance. Into the crowd, with the obligatory
crutch given by a fan. Back to the aisle, where Austin actually swings
the boom camera and nails HHH in the face. Now that’s innovative. Down
to ringside, and the ref gets bumped on the floor before the match even
gets to the ring. We finally make into the ring 7 minutes in, with
Austin hitting the stunner. No ref. Ref climbs in, but gets bumped
again and takes the Brian Pillman bump to the barricade outside. HHH
hits the Pedigree, and Hebner comes charging in for a late two-count.
Slugfest, and Austin wins. Thesz press and elbow get two. Now it’s back
on the floor, where HHH does a wussy bladejob. It’s not a real bladejob
unless blond hair turns red. Austin pounds away on the cut and gets a
couple of two counts. Back outside and HHH eats stairs. He grabs the
ringbell in desperation and nails Austin to turn the tide, however. HHH
suplexes Austin on the Spanish table, and you see, I knew he’d do that.
Why? Because he audibly yelled “Are you ready for the suplex on the
Spanish table?” when the camera was on him. Back in the ring, as HHH
works on the knee, audibly calling a couple of spots. Man, get this guy
a ventriloquism course or something. Comeback for Austin, but he puts
his head down and takes a facebuster. HHH grabs a chair, but it doesn’t
come into play yet. Austin gets a superplex for two. They fight over
the chair, and Austin goes MEDIEVAL with it, nearly killing HHH. The
crowd goes BATSHIT, popping like nuts. That was amazing to see. And
here comes Rock, carrying a sledgehammer. He swings at HHH, who of
course ducks (because he’s the Game) and Austin takes it on the knee. A
Pedigree takes Rocky out of the equation, and the knee injury is enough
for HHH to pin Austin at 21:50 and retain the title. In other news,
hell freezes over. Good match. ***1/2 I think that pretty much puts
the “Austin won’t put HHH over” theory to rest.
The Bottom Line: First 40 minutes or so sucked, but the rest of the
show was a great combination of sports entertainment (the Rock and Sock
stuff scattered throughout that I skipped over) and some really good
wrestling, notably from the main, the ladder match and the suprisingly
great Venis-Mankind match. Dump the first little bit and call it an
easy thumbs up.
