The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1993
• Live from BAH-stin.
• Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan, doing his last show for the WWF.
• Opening match: Diesel, Adam Bomb, IRS and Rick Martel v. Marty Jannetty, The 1-2-3 Kid, Razor Ramon & Randy Savage. It was supposed to be Mr. Spiffy on the face team, but he bailed on the WWF due to injury, and Savage is taking his place. Ramon introduces “The Macho Mangâ€Â. Ramon is the IC champ at this point, Diesel is nothing. Jannetty and the Kid are a semi-regular tag team who would go on to win the tag titles in the early new year. Onto the match: Ramon and Martel start out. Martel jumps around a lot and gets caught with a blockbuster slam. He tags out to Adam Bomb, currently known as Wrath. Same character, basically. I bet there’s some interesting conversations going on over on the apron, what with the Kid and Jannetty giving Savage advice on who buy the best shit from. Long test of strength from Ramon and Bomb. Martel accidentally drops an elbow on Bomb, and a big pathos play, not unlike the Shakespearean tragedies of yore, breaks out. IRS manages to calm everyone down a notch. Bomb proceeds to toss the Kid around like a doll, then his big buddy Diesel one-ups him by playing lawn darts with him. Talk about a mismatch. Big boot nearly takes his head off. Kid manages to tag Savage, who proceeds to kill everyone, finishing Big Sexy with the flying elbow. Back to the showers, bookerman. Martel tries his luck, and doesn’t fare much better. Question: Whose outfit is uglier tonight, Savage or Jannetty? Ramon and IRS go next. Bobby and Vince have a discussion on cheating people, and Bobby tells Vince to go ahead and try cheating someone sometime. Isn’t hindsight fun? Long heat segment on Razor before Savage gets back in and kicks ass. Cue Crush. Savage is distracted and gets rolled up and pinned by IRS. Janetty is next and gets creamed by Adam Bomb. He looks SO wasted tonight. Ramon quickly tags in and chokeslams IRS, then hits the Edge for the pin. A big brawl erupts with all five guys in there, and IRS nails Ramon with his briefcase, and Ramon is counted out. We’ve got Kid and Janetty against Martel and Adam Bomb. Kid holds his own, but tries a tope suicida on Bomb…and gets caught and slammed on the floor. OUCH! Bomb hits the slingshot clothesline. Kid comes back with his kick combo, but can’t make the tag. Finally, Jannetty gets the hot tag and does his usual to Martel, then the Kid tags back in and sunset flips Martel for the pin, and Jannetty does the same to Bomb and gets the pin, as well. Kid and Jannetty are the survivors. ***1/2
• Toad Pedophile interviews Shawn Michaels, who still has the Intercontinental title belt, despite being stripped of it weeks before. This would lead to Wrestlemania X’s famous ladder match. Ironically, Michaels was inserted into the Hart family feud at the last minute to replace Jerry Lawler, but in later years the Harts v. Michaels feud would become VERY real.
• Family Feud match: Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Bruce Hart and Keith Hart v. Shawn Michaels, the Black Knight, the Red Knight and the Blue Knight. Ray Combs does the introductions, natch. Ray absolutely bombs with his looooooong routine, and if I was him, I’d shoot myself after that, too. Okay, I kid, I kid. Shawn mouths off to Wayne Hart at ringside. Sure, Shawn, pick on the ex-referee, that’s real big. The Harts are all wearing matching Owen Hart-ish tights. Stu joins them at ringside, and the old man goes for cheap heat by wearing a Bruins jacket. Bruce Hart starts out with Shawn, and quickly dominates both he and the Red Knight (Barry Horowitz). Keith gives it a go next and man, could he do it with the best of them in his day. The Harts dominate the Red and Blue Knights (Blue is Greg Valentine). The Black Knight is either Glen Jacobs or Jeff Gaylord, depending on Dave Meltzer’s state of mind at the time. The WWF’s official line is that it’s Glen Jacobs. Upon further examination, he does seem rather short to be Jacobs. Oh well. Rather dull match with a lot of nothing going on until a pier-eight brawl leads to Owen dropkicking Black off the top for the pin. Red is the next victim, getting progressively quadruple-teamed by the Harts. Bobby has some absolutely choice lines about Stu Hart. Crowd is getting seriously bored here. The Knights work over Keith’s arm. I do not understand why Keith was chosen to play Ricky Morton. A Rocket launcher misses and Bret gets the hot tag and Sharpshooters Red right away for the submission. Blue Knight is finally unable to resist his natural instincts any longer, and drops a Hammer elbow on Bret. Ray Combs keeps laughing at Bobby’s jokes despite himself. Ray missed his calling as a color commentator, I think. Owen dominates Blue, and hits a beautiful pescado on Shawn (after Stu pops him one, something I’m sure Stu was wishing he could do in later years). Great sequence with Bruce and Owen double-teaming Blue, which leads to an Owen Sharpshooter on him for the submission. We’re down to Shawn v. the entire Hart family. Shawn hits sweet chin music on Bruce…and he KICKS OUT! Okay, so it’s not as impressive in 1993, but Bret can’t say the same, can he? Bret hits the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM. Bret gets poked in the eye, which he proceeds to way oversell. He’s standing on the apron, however, and Owen gets whipped into him and pinned. Owen’s not happy. Owen “Raven†Hart mutters “What about me†all the way back. Bruce and Keith work Shawn over, then allow Bret to finish him off. Shawn takes a pounding, then decides enough is enough and walks off for the countout. I never thought I’d see the day when I was disappointed that Shawn Michaels was subbing for Jerry Lawler, but here it was. *1/2 Owen Hart comes out and gets into an argument with his brothers after the match. Thus begins the heel turn.
• Jim Ross and Gorilla Monsoon take over the announcing duties for the next little while.
• We take a look at the tragic events that led to the end of Tatanka’s undefeated streak (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!) and the Undertaker taking his place. Then we take a look at Pierre getting knocked out by Luger and Crush (from the foreign country of Hawaii) taking his place.
• Smoky Mountain tag team title match: The Rock N Roll Express v. The Heavenly Bodies. Morton hits a tope right away. Great NWA-ish start as the RNR double-team the Bodies ad nauseum. But of course, Ricky Morton ends up playing Ricky Morton. Del Ray hits a quebrada on Morton to boost it another ½*. More great teamwork from the Bodies. They hit the Veg-O-Matic (called by a fan in the front row) and get two. Morton reverses a powerbomb into a rana for two. Del Ray gets a moonsault press for two. Morton hits a double-DDT and makes the hot tag. This would be hotter than all hell if it was in Tennessee. Gibson hits an enzuigiri and a brawl erupts. Morton gets tossed over the top, which would be a DQ in SMW, but this is sanctioned under WWF rules, so it’s not. More near falls by the RNR, but Cornette distracts the ref and Del Ray nails Gibson with the racket, allowing Pritchard to get the pin. Crowd doesn’t care because it’s north of the Mason-Dixon line, but it was a great match. **** Ah, well, Yankees, what can ya do?
• Okay, suck it in, here comes the crap…
• Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger and the Headshrinkers v. The Doinkwhackers & Doinks on a Mission. Don’t even ask. I won’t dignify this nonsense with play by play. Samu gets rolled up by Butch for the first elimination. Mabel legdrops Booger for the second. Fatu slips on a banana peel and gets pinned by Butch for the third. Mabel splashes Bam Bam for the final pin. We’ll just move on, shall we? -***1/2
• Ludvig Borga, Jacques Rougeau, Crush and Yokozuna v. Lex Luger, Rick Steiner, Scott Steiner and The Undertaker. Nothing like jingoistic claptrap to sell a PPV. Jacques and the Big Bad Booty Daddy start. Next Rick and the Butt Who Walks Like a Man go, and Rick actually dominates, shoulderblocking Yoko out. Borga comes in and reverses a bodypress off the top into…something…really sloppily and pins Rick, who must have hurt himself legit to be knocked out that early. Scott tosses Jacques around, who proceeds to tag out to Crush and make faces on the apron. Funny stuff. Randy Savage tries to fight his way to the ring, which prompts Crush to drop Scott onto the floor. Boring heat segment on Scott kills time until Savage runs out again, allowing Scott to dropkick Crush out. They fight back to the dressing room and Crush is counted out. The heels use the downtime to beat on Scott. Luger finally gets tagged in and proceeds to destroy Jacques, pinning him after a single elbowdrop. Borga is almost eliminated by Scott, but Yoko makes the save. Scott actually has the balls to try a Frankensteiner on Yoko, but Yoko holds the ropes and then drops a Hulkbuster on Scott for the pin. Lex and Yoko do a short bit before Borga comes in and wallops on Lex. Yoko misses an avalanche and Luger tags in UT for the first time. UT hits a very dramatic DDT and sits up for dramatic effect. He no-sells the belly-to-belly, but the legdrop keeps him down. Banzai splash, but he decides to try another. It misses and UT sits up again. Flying clothesline, and they brawl outside and both get counted out. How sad is it that UT and Yoko-freakin-Zuna put on the hottest segment of the match? We’re down to Luger and Borga. Borga gets two off a side slam and two off a legdrop. Powerslam gets two. A pair of clotheslines get two. Double KO spot. Jim Cornette and Johnny Polo double-team the ref, allowing Borga to nail Lex with the salt bucket. It gets two, and Luger hulks up. All-American punches! All-American DDT! All-American elbow! All-American two-count! All-American powerslam! He finishes it with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH! God bless America! God bless Lex Luger! God bless Vince McMahon and all subsidiary properties associated with the Titan Sports (now WWFE) name and trademark, all rights reserved! 1/2*
The Bottom Line: If you like crap, then this is the tape for you! Two great matches save it somewhat, but neither is particularly interesting enough on their own to make this worth a look.
Technically, I guess it’s a thumbs up, but I wouldn’t waste my time.
