The SmarK Retro Repost – Anarchy Rulz 2000

– Okay, so I’m day late, but at least I’m not a dollar short. The reason is that basically I, and the others watching at my place, completely lost interest in the show two matches in and there was nothing to regain it after that. Given that I didn’t even know the card past the top two matches going into it, it’s not surprising. And given the especially low rating for ECW this week (0.7), I think a lot of people must have agreed with me.

– Live from St. Paul, MN

– Your hosts are Joey & Gertner.

– Opening match: Christian York & Joey Matthews v. Danny Doring & Roadkill. Doring & Matthews do a pointless wrestling sequence to start. Doring goes low and hits the Stroke. Roadkill overpowers York, but slingshots him into the corner and gets legdropped on the rebound. He sideslams both jobbers and they hit a Hart Attack clothesline. Doring misses a tope con hilo, killing himself on the floor. York & Matthews hit twin suicide dives. Back in, they control and double-team Doring. Hot tag Roadkill, and the Buggyback finishes at 7:18. Doring & Roadkill appear to have hit their peak as a team and are now experiencing limbo-itus. **1/2 Simon & Swinger lay out Doring, thus trapping both teams in a nowhere feud. I think Heyman has something huge on his hands with Simon & Swinger and he won’t even know it until they’re gone.

– Cyrus is out for a promo. He’s got pop. Stupid advertising slogan or no, the phrase “Biting the hand that feeds you” springs to mind, and “Biting the hand that ties a bandage around the artery that’s currently hemmorhaging blood from a fatal wound” springs to mind even moreso. Cyrus pulls the old “You have to fight my guy before you get me” bit, so Commisioner Spike counters by telling Cyrus that his guy has to fight another guy. Is Heyman just kinda watching old tapes and cribbing the booking ideas? The end result is

– Kid Kash v. EZ Money. Slugfest to start and Kash goes aerial. He dumps Money, but gets blindsided by him. EZ hits an Orange Crush (sort of) for two. Money misses a tope and hits his useless buddies, and Kash follows with a plancha. Back in, flying clothesline gets two. Collision gets two for Money. He goes into the pendulum submission move and drops Kash for two. HIT THE CHINLOCK! Chops are exchanged and Kash gets a sunset flip for two. Snap rana and swinging DDT get two. Kash gets tripped and suplexed for two. Chops in the corner and Money charges, but misses, giving Kash a two. We go into the pinfall reversal sequence. Kash finishes with the Moneymaker, but the ref is otherwise occupied. Hamrick & Julio beat on Kash, and hit the Confederate Crunch for two. EZ goes up and crotched, and they do the powerbomb->rana reversal spot that gives Kash the win at 9:36. A bit long and interference-heavy for what it was, but still a solid outing. ***

– Big schmoz with all the bit players and Sandman leads to

– Joel Gertner v. Cyrus. The Dusty Rhodes diet strikes again. Cyrus wins me over with some CANADIAN VIOLENCE before Sandman spits beer in his face and Joel gets the pin at 2:24. DUD

– Da Baldies v. Ballz Mahoney & Chilly Willy. Willy is desperately in need of a new gimmick. Usual Baldies match here, I can’t be bothered. Cut to the chase, as the Baldies hit the faces with multiple chairshots for the pin at 7:36. ½*

– Cyrus takes over for Gertner.

– CW Anderson v. Steve Corino. Winner is the #1 contender, although I can’t for the life of me figure out what either has done to earn that slot. Headlock sequence leads into a wrestling sequence to establish parity and Anderson gets two from a kneedrop. Slugfest! Chopfest! CW superkick puts Corino down and Anderson grabs a chair. Corino disposes of it and hits a T-Bone suplex. Chairshot gets two. Leg lariat gets two. CW dumps Corino. They brawl and Anderson bounces a chair off Corino’s head as both men blade. Back in, CW rams Corino’s shoulder into a chair for two. Corino comes back but gets DDT’d for two. Chairshot gets two, and a suplex gets two. CW goes to the sleeper, but Corino crotches him on a chair. Corino hits Flip, Flop & Fly as Simon & Swinger charge the ring and chase Victory away. Corino superkick gets two. CW spinebuster is reversed to the Oldschool Expulsion for the pin at 12:42. Standard fare here. **1/2 I don’t buy Corino as a main eventer, either, no matter how much Joey tries to push the supposed “greatness” of his match with Justin Credible down peoples’ thoats until they believe it.

– ECW World tag title match: The FBI v. Mikey Whipwreck and Yoshihiro Tajiri. The devil-worshipping babyfaces hit a pair of kicks and ballshots to start. Tajiri gets the Tarantula on Guido, and they double-team Tony. The Minister fireballs Mamaluke and Tajiri kicks Guido a bunch of times. Mikey gets double-powerbombed by the FBI for two, and plays pyro-in-peril. Fameasser gets two. Mikey gets an inverted powerbomb and the hot tag to Tajiri. German suplex on Mamaluke is reversed for two. Mikey rib-breaker gets two. Tajiri blocks the Tomikaze with green mist, and a double stunner gets two. The evil ones do the rolling leglock thingie, but Sal tosses a belt at Tony. Tajiri moonsaults him to get rid of him. Mikey goes for the Whippersnapper, but a beltshot and Tomikaze finish him at 8:36. Eh, this can’t even lick the TNN match’s boots. **3/4

– World TV title: Rhino v. Rob Van Dam. Remember, you can’t spell “overrated” without “RVD”. Brawl to start, into the crowd. Rhino wins that one. Back in, and Rob gets a somersault plancha. Into the actual ring, and RVD goes into some good stiff shots that would earn him about 200% more respect from me if he’d make that kind of contact on a regular basis. Stalling follows, killing the goodwill. Blind charge hits elbow, giving Rhino two. Rhino tosses him and grabs a table. Resting abounds. Rob escapes, but Rhino escapes the Van Daminator. Rolling fireman’s carry from Rob leads to the moonsault, which leads to the ***** frog splash for two. Rhino spears him and piledrives him off the apron. Fonzie helps out with the Van Daminator, which leads to the Van Terminator but Fonzie gets in the crossfire and takes the move. Evil Referee comes in as Rhino puts Rob through the table and piledrives him for the win at 12:40. RVD is NOT the guy to carry Rhino. *1/4

– ECW World title match: Justin Credible v. Jerry Lynn. Joey goes all 1988 Jim Ross on us, mixing metaphors with the best of ‘em. Tonight’s example: “Tonight’s the night for Jerry Lynn to snatch the brass ring, because he’s got the key to his own destiny”. That’s, like, so deep. Chopfest to start. Why do ECW fans go “whoo” for open-handed slaps? I don’t recall Flair ever doing that. Both guys escape the other guy’s finisher. Lynn gets a bulldog for two. Outside, Lynn hits a plancha and messes up his elbow on the landing. Back in, Justin hits a Bossman Slam and gets a chair. Powerbomb gets two. Back out, more chopping. Back in, Lynn DDTs him for two. Aldo gets an inverted DDT for two. HIT THE FACELOCK! Justin insults the fans and goes back to the resting. Into the pinning reversal sequences, but Justin hits his “I’ll slap the back of your neck and you act like the crushing force of inertia on your upper body causes your head to drive into the mat like I’m actually doing a DDT while I just keep standing up” DDT, but Lynn hits his own. Guillotine legdrop and Minnesota Jam gets two. The table is set up, and Lynn goes through it for two. Lynn gets the cradle piledriver for two. That’s Incredible gets two. The ref is bumped and Evil Referee runs in to take his place. Justin KO’s Lynn with the belt for two. If the ref is so Evil, why not just count three? That’s Incredible gets two, and New Jack joins us (apparently someone forgot to tell the sound guys until it was about 5 seconds too late). He kills the Evil Referee. Justin canes New Jack, and he and Lynn exchange piledriver attempts until a cradle tombstone from Lynn gets the pin and the title at 19:33. Justin SO does not rock my world, and all the referees here didn’t help, either. ***

The Bottom Line: Well, nothing was too horrible, and the good was all solid, but this company has to do something about it’s own promotional tactics if it’s gonna survive.

And that’s all I really gotta say about that. Thumbs in the middle, leaning up.