The Netcop Retro Rant for ECW Holiday Hell ’95
– Taped from Queens, New York.
– Your host is Joey Styles.
– Stevie and Meanie interrupt Joey’s opening spiel in order to insult
the New York fans. Their chants of “Stevie takes it up the ass, doo
dah” are a little off here. Steve miraculously finds Missy Hyatt in the
crowd and offers a date with Raven. Dumb.
– Opening match: Taz v. Koji Nokigawa. Koji is from FMW, so I hate him
already. But he’s the sacrificial lamb for Taz tonight, so that makes
me feel a bit better. Taz showcase, as he sells nothing and fires off a
few suplexes. Tazmission for the easy tapout. *1/2
– JT Smith v. Hack Myers. JT was busy honing the first vestiges of the
FBI gimmick. Kick and punch fest. JT tries really, really hard here,
but Hack drags him down. JT slips on a moonsault attempt and looks to
have hurt himself legit so Hack does his finisher quickly and gets the
pin. **
– 2 “Gold” Scorpio v. Mikey Whipwreck. Both the tag team and TV titles
belonging to Scorp are on the line here. Sabu match (spot-rest-spot).
Mikey’s just never had the proper training to know what to do in a real
wrestling match. Long story short, Scorp wipes the mat with Mikey,
nailing move after move in succession but picking him up because he’s
such a dick. Mikey manages a top rope rana, but Scorpio continues the
carnage until the ref gets bumped (AAAARGH!). Cactus Jack runs and in
DDTs Scorpio, and puts Mikey on top for the pin and titles. Cactus
helps himself to a tag title as payment. **1/2
– The Eliminators v. The Pitbulls. Non-sensical brawling with some nice
spots from the Elims tossed in at random. I still don’t get what was so
great about the Elims — Owen and Bulldog were easily the superior team
in 96-97. Kronus is a spot machine, but he blows a lot of simple stuff.
Pitbull #2 annoys me even more, no-selling at various points and killing
whatever storyline was being built up. Ie, he’ll get double-teamed to
the point of death and then suddenly jump up and start beating his
chest. Elims have several faboo spots, though. Chaos ensues, and
Saturn takes a superbomb, but the ref is busy trying to break up a fight
between Francine and Jason, which allows Total Elimination and a pin for
the Elims. **
– Tommy Dreamer v. Raven. Stevie & Meanie emerge sans Raven. Stevie
announces that Raven broke his…(thinks about it)…leg and can’t be
there. Funny bit. So Dreamer attacks Meanie, DDTs and pins him. Then
Stevie gets the same. Then Tommy goes after Beulah, which finally draws
out Raven. Nothing even remotely resembling wrestling here. Chairs,
cheese graters, you know the routine. Weak brawling as Dreamer hits
Raven with a series of increasingly dumb objects. They fight out to the
parking lot, do nothing, and fight back in. Then a ref bump
(AAAAARRRRRGHHH!) and Raven accidentally gets sprayed with hairspray by
Beulah. DDT, but Raven kicks out. Dreamer hits him in the groin
several times, and then the ref gets bumped AGAIN?!? Raven DDTs Tommy
on a chair for the pin. What a boring brawl. *
– Bruiser Mastino v. Pablo Marquez. Mastino is the brother of Paul Neu
(PN News) and was Mantaur in the WWF. Total squash, right out of a 1987
episode of WWF Superstars. Powerslam for the pin. * Not bad as
squashes go. Mastino continues beating the hell out of the kid, so it’s
time to call 911. Chokeslam. Then Fonzie sticks his nose into things
and Tod Gordon run out to brawl with him. Then Taz runs in and stares
down 911 until the back clears to separate them.
– Finally, only Stevie, the Meanie and two of the minor Dudleys are left
in the ring. Buh Buh Ray and Big Dick make their entrance. Stevie lays
down the law: Raven isn’t happy with them, and either Buh Buh Ray beats
the Meanie, or he’s out of the Nest. Buh Buh Ray responds with the line
of the night: “Stevie, f*ck you and your Blue Meanie!” So….
– Buh Buh Ray Dudley v. The Blue Meanie. Quick and ugly. Dudley with
the top rope splash in under a minute. The Dudleys beat on Meanie after
the win. Stevie then sucks up to the Dudleys like nuts, apologizing for
everything he said about them, their his #1 team, Meanie doesn’t mean
shit, etc. The Dudleys ignore him and head back to the dressing room.
Then, when they’re out of earshot, Stevie suddenly lurches back and
declares his love for the Meanie (who is just now waking up).
Incredibly funny stuff. Richards is god.
– ECW title match: The Sandman v. Raven. Raven earned this by beating
Dreamer. I have yet to see a match between these two that is even
remotely good. This drags on forever until the ref gets bumped (WHAT,
AGAIN?!?!) and the troops attack. Dreamers canes both Sandman and
Raven, piledrives Beulah, and leaves. Then Cactus DDTs Sandman but he
kicks out. Raven and Sandman end up on the top rope and Sanmdan
executes a horrible bulldog for the pin. DUD
– Public Enema v. The Gangstas. Grunge bleeds 4 seconds in. Rocco and
Mustafa try some, you know, WRESTLING, for a bit, but that goes nowhere.
If in doubt, hit someone with something. The table doesn’t break when
they try to put Mustafa through it, but Mustafa gets it to go when he
puts Rocco through it. Driveby, but the ref is distracted. Rocco takes
a chairshot and gets rolled up for the pin. 1/4* What is with the
booking tonight?
– Main event: Cactus Jack v. Sabu. This is high-concept stuff, folks:
Cactus tells a long-winded story about dreams coming true, then in order
to make Sabu’s dreams come true, he decided to make this an Olympic
Rules match so Sabu can show his technical side. Pee Wee Moore comes
out and reads off the rules of NCAA wrestling and the crowd is getting
more pissed off by the second. 911 inevitably makes his appearance,
chokeslams Pee Wee, and takes over reffing duties. Joey’s attempts to
“keep score” are priceless. The match is total garbage wrestling, of
course, but Foley has a knack of holding it together. Cactus takes some
vicious chairshots here. Anti-climactic ending as Sabu hits an Atomic
Arabian Facebuster for 2, and then Cactus tries a bodyslam and collapses
under Sabu’s weight for the pinfall. ***
The Bottom Line:
As ECW shows go, it’s not great, but if you’re new to it, this is the
best introduction to the major players in ECW that I’ve ever seen.
Stevie keeps it entertaining for the rest of us, too.
Highly recommended.
