What an emotional roller coaster of the week leading up to my birthday! August 4th, bitch! If you’d like to send presents, I’ll set up a wish list at Amazon. Still, you’ll have to e-mail me for it. I already asked for stuff from you guys for a much nobler cause.
By the way, remember the whole NYU thing from a few months back? The play thing? I wrote a little something where I kind of blamed you guys for almost getting me kicked out of school. It wasn’t your fault. I apologize.
News? NEWS!
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
This is also my one year anniversay at 411! Widro said I wouldn’t make it 3 months with my fiction column. Now he’s dead, AND I LIVE!
Okay, screw NWA: TNA. Really, screw it. Widro, you write your column up and do all this crap in the hopes that they’ll mention our names on the show. You do realize that more people visit our site then pay 10 bucks a week to watch that crap, right? Right?
Jericho and the Canadians jumped to RAW on Monday, although they still work for the same company. Jim Ross called it the biggest event in the history of the world.
Now Benoit and Guerrrorroro are going to jump to Smackdown. Then The Assmen will jump to Raw. Then Booker T and Goldust will jump to Smackdown. Then all the cruiserweights will jump to Raw. Then Trish and Bubba will jump to Smackdown. Then the cruiserweights will jump back to Smackdown, only to realize that it was Raw’s turn and will jump back to Raw. Then the cruiserweights will jump back to Smackdown. Then the cruiserweights will jump back to Raw. Then the war will be over.
Smackdown preview time!
Tajiri fights Rey for no good reason. The winner gets a greencard.
Kurt and Hogan talk about Lesnar. Kurt wants to fight Lesnar, and Hogan thinks that Lesnar has lovely skin.
Mark Henry fights Brock Lesnar. Take a chance and guess who won.
Brock and Angle talk about fighting next week. Hogan and Lesnar talk about skin care.
Angle and Hogan fight after Angle insults Brock Lesnar’s skin.
Nidia and Michael Cole make out because it had to happen eventually. Yes it did. IT DID!
Cena fights Rico in the greatest match ever in the history of wrestling.
There is a mystery main event! Well, I already said that Benoit and Guerroroareeareo were jumping to Smackdown. They fight Edge and the Rock. That’s Smackdown!
WWE Films has stopped being a dream of Scott Keith’s and is now a reality. The first order of business? NO HOLDS BARRED 2!
The RAW rating dropped .6 this week from 4.3 to 3.7. I guess there was a pretty good episode of Murphy Brown on, huh?
I haven’t watched CBS on Monday Night for 8 years.
Chris Jericho’s Fozzy record was released today. It is currently challenging a certain white rapper for a big number on the Billboard! That rapper is Vanilla Ice and that number is 100,567,092.
Kanyon has been released from the hospital and is currently resting at home, sitting on his fat ass, watching Buffy.
Junk News! Huzzah!
LETTERS FROM FANS ON HOW TO FIRE LANCE STORM!
Lance Storm has not updated his comment board in a week to spite me. You win this round, Captain Storm. Still, that didn’t stop people from sending in their responses. Here’s some of the funnier ones. You can vote on your favorite and I’ll offer that person a spot in my column where they can make a Lance Storm joke. Just e-mail VPJG@aol.com with your pick by number.
1. Lance, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m going to have to fire you. Not feeding Vince’s dog is grounds for termination. In your contract it clearly states that you must feed her every day, and
I’ll be damned if Steph goes hungry under your watch! And please empty your pockets of Kibble before leaving.
fistforrebellion@hotmail.com
2. Lance Storm was fired earlier today for a poor performance from the squared circle veteran. As Lance entered the ring he laid down and was heard to mumble “Air Canada sucks, must go sleepy time now”, and immediatelly started to snore. Further in the background Jim Ross could be heard yelling “My God!!!My God!!!! This is a slobberknocker of a match!!!!” yayowonder@yahoo.com
3. I think I speak for all of us when I say that Lance’s firing from the WWE is a very sad news. He was fired after refusing to work a match with Shane McMahon in which Lance was supposed to perform a Swandive headbutt from the top of the Cell on the concrete, with Shane lying on thumbtacks. While choosing his health over his career certainly is a smart decision, he got what he deserve. Next time, you better do what you’re asked to. Good luck in your future projects.
4. Lance Storm was fired today when…
…he signed up to join an internet posse on the hunt for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
…he signed up to join an internet posse on the hunt for Joshua Grutman’s penis.
…in a gesture of good faith, he brought an ice cream cone to a lactose-intolerant Vince McMahon.
…he suggested to Vince McMahon that he turn Test’s character into Issac Yankem II.
…Brock Lesnar F5’d Vince McMahon and insisted Lance be fired.
…he called Vince on the inter-office phone and asked “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
…Vince realized who was to blame for the roster split.
…Vince caught him in the locker room trying on Hulk Hogan’s boas and singing ” I feel pretty, oh so pretty…”
…WWE studies showed that the audience’s brain-wave activity actually stalled when he worked.
…once again he started to say “If I could be serious for a moment…”
…Fat Bernie, an indy promoter, called and asked Vince to send him any useless talent he had.
…Fat Bernie realized Lance Storm was actually too useless for armory shows.
…he called Vince begging for his job back, until Vince realized he’d already fired Lance.
…Vince rehired him over the phone, saying “OVW might need a trainer.” Then Vince realized who he was talking to and fired him again.
…he attempted to get MTV to change the name of their wrestling reality show to “Canadian Enough”
…he asked Vince if he had any more of that Just For Men hair treatment.
onezerozeroone@hotmail.com
PLUGS!
Gamble, Anderson and Flea all have new ones up, and good for them. I have a birthday party to plan and a concert to go to. For 411wrestling.com, this is Joshua Grutman.
